


Shapes in Motion

by slinden



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Athletes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Olympics, And Kylo is basically a high functioning alcoholic, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Oral Sex, Slow Burn, Vaginal Sex, and there will be sex, athletes au, figure skating AU, i'm not saying when, mentions of abuse, there will be angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-03-27 23:11:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 110,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13891128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slinden/pseuds/slinden
Summary: A figure skating AU in which Rey and Kylo Ren struggle to find their paths to the Olympics. Both of them start off injured and at odds, forced together as a team. Angst, pain, and maybe love, but also a long road lays before them. Will they make it to the Olympics in one piece?Work is now complete! (Although I can't leave anything alone and I love this pairing so it might be "updated" again at some point...)





	1. 2016 Skate America

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so let me know about typos! And just suspend your disbelief given the height/body types of some characters. Warning! This first part contains a violent depiction and mentions of blood. There will be mentions of drinking, smoking, violence and some smutty, sexy bits to come. Be warned!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and her partner Finn have a terrible accident on the ice.

**Prologue: October, 2016 – Skate America, Chicago, Ill.**

Rey thrived on the nervous energy that took over her body when she was getting ready to perform. It started like a spark in her big toe, spreading up her body and finally coming to rest in her chest. She took that feeling and transformed it into the joyous drive she put into every performance, plastering a huge smile on her face the second her skates touched the ice.

Every unique feature of whatever particular arena they were in melted away when she and Finn skated towards the centre of the ice. Each competition would have different sponsors, different boards, and a slightly different way of organizing the audience. The seat colours were always different, and sometimes the glass from hockey would be left up in odd places. It was distracting from the outside, but from the centre, it all came down to four things: her heart beating its joyful rhythm, her skates gliding across the surface, Finn’s steady form moving alongside her, and the cool scent of clean ice.

These were only four things she needed for the next four and a half minutes.

Rey had approached this season with her usual expectations, while Finn openly stated how this was his last chance to make the Olympic team. They had nearly qualified in 2014, although they had only skated together for a year before the qualifiers. When they had met, they clicked. Finn’s former partner had been injured and Rey was an emergency replacement who was registered at the last minute – a basically unknown girl who had been training at tiny rinks that smelt like stale ale and sweat in the middle of nowhere Britain. By chance, a coach for the U.S. team happened to be visiting a friend and saw her. At 16 she and her “coach” Unkar Plutt, using the loosest of terms since he was the rink manager and only conned his way into representing her, were whisked over to America to start formal training. Nearly five years later, she was seen as a strong competitor and rising star in pairs, but Finn wanted more.

This was her chance to help him get where he wanted to be.

They took their opening positions, him kneeling before her, and he gave her a small smirk. The gesture of his eyebrow said ‘Ready, peanut?’

She replied with a quick nod and took his hands before bowing her head. She felt him take a steadying breath and her breathing matched his. The brief silence before their music started was almost more enjoyable than the light tones that started off their routine. This season, their long program was a Carmen suite. Rey had never heard of Carmen before they were presented with the music.

They fell into the gentle, mirrored motions of their routine and began the bladed dance.

Rey pushed Finn gently and he rose to his skates, moving to circle her. They were both internally counting, finding the rhythm needed on the ice to match the music. Rey, despite her early lack of real formal training, was stronger than Finn in many areas. Timing was one of them. She would often have to adjust during the number to get them back in tandem. This was what would always hold them back and she often blamed herself. She needed to be aware of him at all times and not lose her head to the flowing motions.

The first jump was early in the routine. Finn guided Rey alongside him, picking up speed. She turned towards him and he rested his hands against her waist. His hands were firm and she could feel his confidence and her energy spiked from the sensation of trust.

Being so close to some one and having a partner, even just in the skating sense, was something Rey had craved as a child. Her friendship and partnership with Finn was what kept her smiling most days. The other skaters and trainers also filled her life. While her passion was for her sport, the world she was creating around herself was what made her happy on the days when training went poorly or a routine was mired with falls.

Rey knew from watching other skaters that the amount of control needed to complete a triple lutz throw was obscured from afar. She needed to take off correctly and land correctly, pulling her body closely together to execute the move. The amount of control to be technically perfect came naturally to her.

Throw. Spin. Land.

The crowd cheered.

They had crossed the first hurdle of the routine and were still on their feet.

The music soared as they completed technical element after technical element and jump after jump. The music and the minutes were gliding by with near perfection. Rey felt her heart soaring, feeling the timing sing between them. She wanted to get Finn to the Olympics in 2018. Finishing strong here and reaching the US Championships would put them in good position for making the Olympics team.

Her joy was overwhelming her, she realized, as she felt Finn’s spinning speed falter next to her. She twisted her body and shifted her skates to adjust her speed. Not now. They were so close. Her skates needed to catch up to his to keep their points as high as possible.

They looped the ice and she tried to recover from the minor fault in their timing. Finn’s face was tight in concentration as she met his eyes.

They moved into another side-by-side spin, the last of the routine, entering the last forty seconds of the performance. 

Rey was fighting to control her timing, counting to the internal clock in her head while half listening to the music and playing out the rest of the program in her head.

Her mind was elsewhere, spinning with her eloquent leg extended, beside her partner.

Suddenly, the white spinning around her was broken by black.

Sharp pain erupted across the side of her head.

She couldn’t scream, only shudder.

Something sharp had hit her.

Her eyes weren’t working as she collapsed to the ice, kicking out her feet behind her to lay down flat on the ice.

The clean scent of ice was quickly tainted by smells of panic and fresh blood. She heard Finn yelling at her, grabbing at her face and neck with both hands. She vaguely wondered why she couldn’t see and what had hit her. She was worried about getting blood on her beautiful costume and the hard work it had taken its maker. Her face felt like it wasn’t a part of her head anymore. She could taste blood and could only hear a dull hum around her. Her body was warm against the ice and she felt like he could melt into it at any second.

And slowly, everything began to grow fuzzy in her head.

She couldn’t see, but she could hear a scratching on the ice. There were voices mixing together, but she could focus on the scratching. People were lifting her up, holding damp towels to her face. Were they damp with blood or water?

She knew they left the ice when the world around her got warm. She felt herself phasing in and out of the moment after she suddenly woke up in a moving vehicle. She blinked her eyes and could see artificial lights blurred above her head.

Her body was numb now, but the sensation in her face throbbed. What had hit her? Was it Finn? Where was Finn?

Another jump in time and she was being wheeled through a hospital, she guessed. She was going to die in her skates. There were no familiar voices around her, only unknown croaks of instructions that blurred in with the dull images her eyes were registering.

She had been breathing through a mask and now that mask suddenly felt heavy. They were moving her and the world was getting more out of focus, as if it could get any worse.

Her last conscious thought was that she was dying.


	2. 2017 U.S. Championships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has trouble recovering and Poe Dameron doesn't make things easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the comments and kudos so far! This has become my little project to get me through a glut of teaching right now in order to clear my head. Again, unbeta'd so please let me know about errors in language - I think quicker than I can type. There will be more angst to come, I promise!

**Early January 2017 – US Championships, Kansas City**

Rey took an unsteady breath in the tiny room that had been sectioned off as a waiting area before media interviews. There was a collection of small bottles of water, arranged neatly on the small table in front of her chair. Self-consciously, she ran her hand up her face. This was not at all how she expected her days at the US Championships to unfold.

Truthfully, the wound had healed quickly. Nearly 80 stitches were needed to get her face back together, but the surgeons were endlessly careful. Inwardly, she wondered if they would have tried so hard had she not been attractive to begin with. Now, there was only faint scarring that would continue to disappear with time. There had been minor plastic surgery efforts, which she was thankful for in her more vain moments. It wouldn’t end her career, but it did end her partnership with Finn, more or less. Touching her face was sorrowful not because of the light blemishes, but for a deeper and more painful reason.

It took him a week to visit her in the hospital after she had been transferred closer to home. He shuffled into the room while she had been checking her phone for the thousandth time, waiting for him to text or call. She had texted him when she had been loaded onto an airplane, accompanied by a nurse who was there to monitor her reactions to the painkillers. The flight back to Connecticut felt terrifying as Rey’s head felt like the wrappings had worked their way inside of her head. The terror had bled away to numbness when she let herself drift.

“Hey,” he had said, looking at the floor.

“Hi,” she had sat up. “Took you long enough.”

“Rey, I…” he stammered, glancing at the white gauze that was tightly wrapped around her head. She looked worse than she felt at that point, gleefully enjoying the morphine that kept her pain away. They had let her fly, but then diagnosed her with post-concussion symptoms; it didn’t matter, they needed to check the state of her stitches so the hospital was the best place for her.

“Finn, it wasn’t your fault…” she blurted out, worried he would run away from her. “I’ve watched the clip and I was the one…”

“No!” He nearly shouted. She imagined he had also endlessly re-watched the video of the accident and beat himself up the entire time. “No, Rey! I was the one that was supposed to keep you safe and keep our space. I didn’t do that and you almost died.”

She scoffed with a smirk. “I didn’t almost die.”

He was looking at the ceiling now, making her chest tighten. “Rey I…I’ll come see you another time. I can’t deal with this right now.”

And he fled, leaving her. She had sat there for ten minutes, trying to decide whether or not it would feel better to cry. He couldn’t even look at her and they had been together for so long. She was being abandoned again, like a broken piece of furniture by the side of the road: too hard to get rid of, but not worthwhile enough to take to the dump.

They had hardly spoken over the last few months. It was all but confirmed that their partnership would be dissolved. The points from the season would be counted as they were. And Rey would be…just Rey again.

Rey had felt alone like this before in her life, but it didn’t make it any easier. When she left the hospital after two more weeks, she came home to her empty Hartford apartment and wept. She collapsed on the floor, sliding down the door after she had closed it behind her. In her hands was the plastic bag that contained her torn and bloodied costume she had been wearing, saved from the hospital after they had operated on her. The sequins were still glittering on the green and blue fabric that was now stained with her blood. She slowly removed it from the bag and hugged it to her chest. She had refused to let them throw it out. Even stained and broken things could always be fixed if one could find a way.

She sat there for hours, trying to will herself to move. Her apartment was dark and small. She hardly kept any food at home because she didn’t want it to go to waste if she was caught up somewhere. They were usually training for all hours, six days a week, or travelling from competition to competition. Her decorations were mainly the medals they won, hanging on hooks beside and above second-hand and Ikea furniture.

Her recovery would take time, since she had sustained a concussion in either the collision or her drop to the ice. She felt woozy and nauseous quite often, despite the medication she had been prescribed. That first night she finally got the energy to text Jessika Pava, a singles’ skater she would sometimes room with on the road when they were at the same event. They trained together and she felt like a nice person. Rey would call her a friend but sometimes she had trouble with the term. But she had enough of a sense of self-preservation to call someone to make sure she would get fed. Jessika arrived in an annoyed huff that Finn wasn’t there for his partner and hauled Rey off to bed. She then returned with pizza and they sat on the bed and watched trashy television for the rest of the night. After that, the days blurred into weeks and finally months: no Finn, minimal training, always alone. Jessika would come by with proper food that was meant for figure skaters and other times she would bring comfort food. She would take Rey to yoga and gradually helped her get to dance training. They were both driven and Rey started to feel like Jessika had taken on some of her heartbreak over the loss of her partner.

Now she was here, giving her first official interview since the accident and was not very happy about it.

A producer poked her head out through the door and smiled. “Hi, Rey, you can come in now. We’ll finish getting you ready in here.”

Rey smiled lightly in return and rose from her chair. She still had bad days with her head, although she had returned to light on-ice training in December. She needed to get back to doing normal things eventually and she was determined to do so.

The reporter stood and extended his hand. “Hi, I’m Poe Dameron from ESPN. It’s a real treat to meet you in person after our last conversation.”

Rey remembered snapping at him as he closed their pre-interview phone call the other day. “Hi, I’m Rey. But you already knew that.”

“Sure did, let’s get you settled. They’ll have to put some powder on your face so you don’t look all glarey for the lights and cameras here. Did you get some water? Feeling okay?” He spoke with some nervous energy that reminded Rey of herself before a performance. He needed to be in control, but also needed to feel her out in order to take that control from her.

“Water would be good.”

The water bottle was cool in her hand, given to her by the same lurking producer who was half-talking to her and half-talking to the make-up girl. Once she was seated and powdered, they got to some smaller questions. Finally, it was time for the cameras to roll. Rey felt her jaw settle into an uncomfortable grimace.

“I’m Poe Dameron, here with Rey Niima, giving her first interview since the incident that injured her in October. Everyone in the figure skating community remembers where they were when Rey fell to the ice and now we see her on the way to returning to it. Welcome, Rey, how does it feel to be back?”

“Well, I’m not really back,” Rey said with slight annoyance before trying to relax and smile. “But yes, I am feeling more and more like myself everyday. Scar and all.”

“Have you been able to watch much of the competition so far?” He asked, leaning back in his chair and faking relaxation.

“Oh yes,” Rey tried to ignore the cameras and give honest answers. “I’m mainly watching Jessika Pava, she played a big role in my recovery and has been having a great season.”

“So, it’s not hard at all? Watching all the skaters where you should have been?” He raised an eyebrow.

This was a harder question, but Rey was expecting it. She exhaled. “Well, I never really took for granted that we…I…that we were good enough to get to this competition. Every routine was special and we always needed to do our best.”

“We, that’s you and Finn Trooper?”

“Yes,” she felt her mouth getting dry. She reached for her bottle of water and swallowed hard. She paused before speaking, knowing they would have to cut the video together to make it all look fluid. She hated to make things more difficult for other people. “Well, to be honest, he wanted to be here more than I did.”

“How often have you spoken with him? Have you two started to train again?”

Rey shook her head, biting the inside of her mouth to distract herself with the pain. “No, we’ve taken a … pause while I recover.”

“So you think you’ll be back some time this season? The two of you, I mean?”

Rey shrugged. “I’ve thought about it, but that comes down to our coaches and my doctors. I had a concussion, you know.”

“Couldn’t forget it,” he smiled, trying to be charming as he sensed her annoyance.

The interview went on for another ten minutes, covering the happenings of the championships and how things were shaping up for the Four Continents later that month. The World Championships were also looming. Rey had tried to focus on many of the other skaters, but mostly had kept her mind on the pairs and some of the women’s senior and junior singles.

“So, to wrap things up, I’d like to ask you one last thing. Have you heard that Kylo Ren might be looking for a partner?” He said, directly. His eyes were narrowed, challenging her for some reason she wasn’t expecting.

Rey raised an eyebrow. “Kylo Ren?” She recognized the name, but it still felt unfamiliar in her mouth. She searched her mind and it gradually came back to her. A tall figure of a man who had failed at the last Olympics and had been gone from the circuit at the same time they had been rising to prominence, whatever level that was. At some point he had won a Worlds, she thought. “Hasn’t he been injured for the last year or so?”

“Yes,” he nodded, tapping a light rhythm on his notebook. “And there are rumours that he might be turning from singles to pairs. Still chasing down that gold medal, even in his old age.”

Rey rolled her eyes. Kylo Ren must still be under thirty. That’s not old, even for this sport if one remains uninjured.

“No, I can’t say I’ve heard that. Are you asking every female skater that question or were you saving it for me to start some sort of rumour? Creating your own stories?”

Poe laughed. “Don’t take offense! I’ve been asking everyone.”

She raised an eyebrow as if to say that she didn’t really trust that answer. Uncreative hack. “Well, I wish him luck in any case.”

“That sounds great. Thank you for this interview, Rey. And I wish you good luck with your continued recovery.” He extended his hand and ended the interview. Rey had been so eager to flee she scarcely gripped his hand in response.

Later that night, after she had managed to escape the arena without taking any questions from other reporters and without encountering roaming fans, Rey got up to her hotel room. She wished she was back home for a few minutes, before remembering how empty and lonely it mostly was. She could at least get back to training now and that would fill the time. But another part of her wanted to be back competing. Tomorrow, she would celebrate Jessika’s finish (she was sitting sixth after the short program, so Rey was hoping for a top-ten overall, given Jessika’s tendency to mess up her long program by overthinking) and then they would go home to their apartments located near their training facility. She could continue hoping Finn would text, although he hadn’t shown any signs of changing.

The lights in her hotel room were low. The wallpaper was an off-beige colour, but it was mildly comforting. She was scrolling through her phone, resting on top of her hotel covers in her pyjamas when she remembered Poe’s annoying question that afternoon. Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren? She vaguely recalled him but needed to make sure he was who she thought he was.

Googling the name, much of the news was familiar to her from the headlines. She had mainly been focused on her own training, so his dramatics at the 2014 Olympics had nearly fallen under her radar. But there he was, one of the pictures showed, on his ass after falling. Punching the ice in the aftermath. Stories about his trashed hotel room and sudden return home, along with rumours of him firing all of his coaches. He had finished a dismal twelfth after being expected to win gold. She read through his progress that some one had summarized on Wikipedia. It did not read like he was a happy skater. He took bronze in singles here and there at national and international events, and then there was the explosion (implosion?) in 2014. His win at Worlds a few years later seemed like an abnormality and after his injury, he seemed to have really faded away from being a major singles contender. He’d been bothered by a knee problem in the last few months and was training in Europe. She rolled her eyes: more like probably sulking in Europe.

At the bottom, she noticed a new addition, under a heading of “Potential Pairs Comeback.”

_In a recent interview with ESPN, 24 Rey Niima hinted that she would be interested in partnering with the former singles star.25_

Rey’s eyes widened. The bloody interview had just aired on SportsCenter that evening and it was already on Wikipedia? This was a rumour – how could there be citations? She followed the references and they linked to a Tweet by Poe, which then spread to the full rundown on the ESPN website, and finally to other sites, like ABC and other skating news pages.

Angrily, she turned off her phone. The button couldn’t be pressed any harder.

It bothered her that this rumour might destroy her potential return with Finn. It bothered her that she had been taken out of context. It bothered her that Finn couldn’t look at her. She remembered the way that his face was filled with discomfort as he strained to keep his eyes on anything that wasn’t her the last time they had met. He had cut off nearly all contact but she still felt like she couldn’t give up hope, despite all the distance. It felt like home when he caught her in his arms. She didn’t know if her headache came from the lingering symptoms of her concussion, or from the sheer aggravation of her situation. She flopped around on the bed, trying to rid herself of the nervous energy.

She suddenly sat up and reached for her phone. She wouldn’t be able to sleep if she didn’t do something. Once her phone sprung to life, she sent a desperate text to Finn.

//Hey, I’m not looking for a new partner, no matter what u’ve heard.//

She watched as the Delivered notification popped up, but still nothing. Was her scar so hideous? Was she so incapable of being trusted?

The flight home couldn’t come soon enough, but it could also go ahead and take a thousand years since there wasn’t anything she could do to fix any of this.


	3. Flight from Kansas City to Hartford

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey flies home and still ponders her future.

Rey hadn’t slept well the morning of her flight back home to Hartford from the championships. She had spent most of the night dosing lightly then suddenly waking up when it seemed like her phone made a noise. She hated how sensitive she was right now. Was it still part of the concussion? Or maybe just feeling abandoned left her weakened. It had not been an easy night and her flight left fairly early so there was no real time to mope. 

As she had eaten breakfast that morning, she had watched more of Kylo Ren’s figure skating highlights, feeling both impressed and frustrated simultaneously. His forms were sharp rather than smooth; he had an original style that worked with some routines and sent him flailing in others. His jumps were concentrated and technically perfect, but it seemed like he was overly aware of any small mistake. Rey had sat in the corner of the small hotel restaurant trying to avoid everyone, watching the clips on her phone and wearing headphones. She nibbled on some cantaloupe she had grabbed from the continental breakfast buffet. There were a few journalists and skaters lurking around but she was doing her best to look unapproachable. The last thing she needed was to meet Poe again to start more rumors.

Kylo Ren was still on her mind as she took the taxi to the Kansas City airport. From what she could see, he was driven to compete but seemed to be frustrated and angry as he performed every move. His controlled smiles when he won or took the podium seemed hollow, like he was still demanding more from himself. His dark eyes seemed to be replaying each move whenever he stood still and his hair, just as dark as his eyes, curled at the sides of his face. It seemed like Ren didn’t own outfits that weren’t black either. He was handsome in a different way than Finn. She imagined how unusual it would be to skate with some one as openly aggressive as Kylo Ren compared to Finn’s gentle yet assured hands.

Out of every skater in the world, why would he want to skate with her? She couldn’t get Poe’s comments out of her head and yearned to be home so she could forget all of this. She needed to move on and figure out the next stage in her career now that she was fully healed.

She was bleary eyed when she got on board with her carry-on bag slung over her shoulder. She carefully maneuvered down the rows to her seat, feeling exhausted and slightly defeated with every step. Her frustration carried over as she strode towards her seat. Somehow, her iPod had randomly switched to the music Ren had skated to in the last video she had watched. Gustav Holst’s _Mars_ from the Planets Suite filled her ears and she absently played out his routine in her mind. She had slightly zoned out when she reached her numbered seat.

She had to blink several times to get back to herself, knocking her mind from replaying the way his assertive body moved across the ice.

There was a strange old man asleep in her seat.

Some one bumped her from behind.

The simultaneous shocks were a bit too much at this hour in the morning.

“Sorry,” she mumbled to the person behind her. “I just have to wake him up.”

The businesswoman behind her huffed in response.

Rey rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the small, sleeping man in her aisle seat, “Excuse me?”

She gently shook his shoulder; his body felt fragile to her touch. How could someone fall asleep so fast, she wondered.

“Hmm?” He seemed to croak out, stirring, as his eyes fluttered open. She stared at the slightly buggy amber eyes and gave him a tight smile.

“You’re in my seat,” she said, lightly. “I’m on the aisle.”

“Ohhh,” he sat up slowly and reached into the pocket of the seatback in front of him. He snatched out a pair of thick glasses and brought them to his face. He then pulled out his boarding pass and studied it. All of this seemed to happen in slow motion, Rey watched in horror.

The woman behind her had had enough and shoved past, forcing Rey to knock nearly into the old man. She braced her hands on the overhead bin. Nothing seemed to faze him. He simply hummed to himself, nodded, and folded his boarding card into the front inside pocket of his threadbare brown sweater. He reached down and undid his seatbelt and slowly shifted to the next seat. Rey reacted with a burst of motion, shoving her bag under the seat in front of her and clamoring into her place. The line behind her was finally able to move forward with a few passengers casting them angry glares as they moved by. Rey tried to smile apologetically but gave up after a while.

“Tired you are,” the man said, his voice still slightly croaky from sleep. Rey looked over, suddenly realizing how small the man was now that she was sitting down. His feet could hardly touch the floor of the plane. He must have been shorter than five feet, she reasoned. His hair was white and patchy but his eyes were bright and seemed magnified behind his thick lenses. He stared at her with a satisfied half grin.

The next five hours were not going to be easy, Rey thought as she politely smiled at him.

“Well, it is early,” she replied, checking her phone for any messages. She stowed her iPod and headphones in the pocket, not wanting to appear instantly rude. If the man wanted to talk, she had no problem being friendly, she decided. She needed to get back to being herself at some point. Then she quickly reasoned that it deepened on the subject, she told herself.

He nodded and hummed again. “Mornings, hrumph.”

She couldn’t stop from giggling. He smiled in return.

“But it’s more than the morning for you,” he peered at her over his glasses. “Troubled you are for someone so young.”

Slowly, she stopped smiling, “I’m sorry, but you don’t really know me.”

“Checking your phone often, haven’t slept,” he shrugged. “Not good, just not good.”

He turned away and promptly fell asleep again. Rey turned her head to stare out the window. This was all too much and not very good at all.

The routine for takeoff started, the captain’s voice crackling over the speakers, and she switched her phone into airplane mode after checking her messages one last time. The last text she had was from her landlord, reminding her that rent was due. She needed to get the last of her insurance payments sorted and whatever was left from her last sponsorship check.

She zoned out as the engines whirred to life and the circulated air stilled on the plane. She loved flying and never felt the nerves as some of her skating teammates. She even enjoyed taking the smaller planes that some locations forced them to use. She felt relaxed during take off, enjoying the technical sounds that came with taking off. She felt free with her phone switched off. She could stop worrying about missed messages and, more importantly, she could stop watching Kylo Ren’s skating routines.

Even when she felt her worst, locked in the darkness of her lonely apartment, she never felt like she could hate skating. She couldn’t hate Finn either, even though it seemed like he hated her. She missed the feel of the ice and the sensation of competing. She missed the joy it brought her; moving for her felt like freedom. To Kylo Ren, it seemed like his routines were something to be beaten into submission.

She didn’t notice the tapping on her arm for a few seconds and nearly jumped as she turned towards the old man again.

He nodded at her, “Know you, I do.”

Her stomach knotted, “Well, yes, you might.” She quickly darted her eyes around for a free seat. The seatbelt light was still on but she yearned to hop out and escape to the toilet or anywhere. Jumping off the plane was still an option.

He hummed, still tapping on her arm. He reached into his sweater and pulled out a program from the championships she’d just attended. He carefully turned to the page with her smiling picture beside her bio. She smiled tightly as he looked from the picture to her and nodded.

“Hmm. Hello Rey,” he extended his hand. “Yocheved Danilov.”

She blinked, wondering if that was his name or some strange insult in another language. Deciding it was a name, she searched her brain for where the name was from. She still considered herself to be less informed than most of the figure skating world but knew some of the bigger names. His rung a distant bell, just because of the uniqueness of it, but she still couldn’t place it.

He took her blank look as a lack of recognition and half smiled. “Coach _I was_. Old man I am now.”

Finally, it was her turn to annoy him as the name and title sparked her mind. Once he said he was a coach, she remembered more about him. She quickly tried to recall everything she knew about the ancient figure skating coach. He had taken many athletes to various championship podiums, mainly working with male skaters. He was born in the Soviet Union but she couldn’t remember where. It explained the way he spoke, anyway. A fun fact drifted into Rey’s mind. “I heard everyone called you Yoda.”

“Hard to say Yocheved is,” he said before humming to himself again, “…if lazy one is.”

“Were you here to watch or to coach?” She asked, hoping to understand his perspective. Maybe he wouldn’t bother her about a comeback at the moment if she were interested in his agenda.

He smacked his lips together. “Neither. Waiting for someone I was. He never came.”

She nodded and mumbled to herself. “I guess I was waiting for someone too.”

He nodded. “Partner you need. Found one you might have. Or?”

His voice perked at the final word that phrased his question. She wanted to be angry and not respond. She wanted to tell him it was none of his business. It was, after all, no one's business. But he seemed genuinely concerned – not just a rumor spreader like Poe. This ancient legend of figure skating seemed to care about her and he had only just met her. He nodded to himself during her silence.

“Decide soon you should,” he said. “Need to be ready for next season.”

“Look, I think maybe I need a little more time,” she calmly replied. “My scar is still visible.”

“Clichéd it would be to say you have more scars inside,” he nodded. “But effective clichés are. Help us to say something simple with much meaning.”

He reached into his sweater pocket again and pulled out a business card. “Contact this man you should. Too old, I am, to help train you now. But another might. He knows Kylo Ren as well.”

She stared at the card, “Luke Skywalker?”

 

 

* * *

 


	4. 2017 European Championships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren has his hand forced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all of the kudos so far! I had to change some of the minor background details in the first chapters as things have become clearer for the story :)

**Late January —2017 European Championships, Ostrava, Czech Republic**

For Kylo Ren, the half year of injury and rehab couldn’t end soon enough. Every day he was kept out of competition was beyond infuriating. There was no way he was going to let this sport get away from him. He had worked too hard for too long not to find a solution to this problem.

His gold medal at the 2015 Worlds seemed like a long faded memory at this point, nearly two years later. He’d done everything he needed to do to have a solid 2016 season and then he caught an edge during training before regionals. He tried through brute force to force his knee into submission but, stupidly, this only further delayed recovery. It was the same knee that had been injured when he was a kid and he had done everything he could to put those horrible memories to positive use. This time, some of his boyhood recollections stung a little more. With the season a write off, he underwent two surgeries and only two months ago had he finally been cleared for training.

The head coach who oversaw most of his training, Vladimir Snoke, had thought it was appropriate to send him to work with some of his Russian skaters and their direct trainers. It was a sort of exile, Kylo realized; this was when he was spending Christmas alone in a dingy flat in Petersburg. An extra training session, a long run, and some vodka had been his Christmas present to himself.

The Russians were just as determined as he was with training, and their trainers were thorough and methodical. But at this point, his Russian was better than his skating. He admitted it to himself just to let his anger take over. He skated better when he was angry. He detested when things were outside of his direct control and being far from Snoke and the California training facility was just a reminder of how low he had sunk.

Now, here he was, watching others compete. Ostrava was a former mining town. Its architecture was riddled with remnants of its historical past. Pieces of metal woven in and out, here and there. Dark shades.

In other words, it was ugly.

From his seat in one of the far corners of the arena in the Czech Republic, he let his thoughts on the past year churn in his mind. When he wasn’t moving or in action, he tended to get let himself drift along a stream of other thoughts. He could likely get some decent job coaching or commentating, but those were beneath him. He slumped down in his seat, letting his long legs stretch out into the aisle. This was embarrassing.

“Comfortable?” A familiar British-inflected voice called from one aisle over.

He glanced up to see Armitage Hux quietly making his way towards him after descending from the catwalk built to overlook the arena from above. He didn’t really move or respond. The other man offered a tight grin and opted to stand near the edge of his aisle, which was probably some sort of protest to his lack of greeting. The design of the United Kingdom figure skating sweaters was even worse than usual, Kylo observed as he glanced at Hux’s outfit.

“Is this one of those times when you’re not talking?” He crossed his arms over the offensive sweater. “Like your press conferences?”

“At least I get press conferences with more than two reporters,” Kylo reluctantly sat up, trying to look more imposing. “I really don’t want to hear it if you are here to gloat.”

“Please,” he scoffed. “Move over so I can stop looking like an idiot.”

“You always look like an idiot,” Kylo mumbled in response, moving over one seat. There was no crowd up in this corner of the arena. It was the evening of the second-to-last day and the ladies free skate was nearing completion. He had watched with mild interest, but he was there more out of boredom than out of actual curiosity or obligation. Aside from the Russians, most of the European women were mediocre at the international level.

Yesterday, Hux and his partner Phashestha Mumford had managed to finish in the top five in the pairs overall results. It was his best career finish at Europeans and helped Britain’s chances at securing spots in future competitions. It also put them in a good position to qualify for the Olympics and that made Kylo inwardly cringe. Hux was insufferable. He was another affiliate of Snoke, with a trainer located in the UK instead of America, so they were loosely under the same umbrella; he generally only sought him out when their paths crossed — which was far too often — in order to find some one to speak English with. ‘Friendly rivals’ was an understatement when it came to the two of them. But Hux seemed to need him and his approval more, so he dealt with him as mildly as he could.

“Come on, we might be competing against one another next season,” Hux said, quickly licking his lips. “How often do you check your twitter?”

He rolled his eyes in response before looking down to see a Hungarian skater pull out early of a double axel. Useless.

“Fine. Anyway, there are rumors that you and Scarface will be skating together,” he pulled out his phone and scrolled through the tweets. He handed him the device and Kylo sat up a little. Who was this nobody they were talking about? He scanned through the lines of text and was mildly amused at seeing his name referenced so often.

“Scarface?” he asked. “That’s a ridiculous nickname.”

Hux snatched his phone back, eyeing the way Kylo let it hang from the tips of his fingers. “Remember the bird that took a skate to the face at Skate America? Her moron partner messed up a side by side and took out a good chunk of her. From what I’ve seen, it’s not that horrible now but it was quite dramatic at the time. Blood everywhere, children crying.”

Kylo narrowed his eyes. He had been so focused on his own injury that the rest of the world had simply melted away at this point. This was not the first time he had overlooked some important news.

“I don’t skate pairs,” he said flatly. “Whoever came up with that idea is a moron.”

Hux quietly sat back and pursed his lips. He purposely observed the ice, looking exactly like the cat that had caught the canary. He knew something. He knew something about Kylo that would obviously be upsetting in some way. This was not going to be a simple conversation.

Kylo sat in an equivalent state of silence, unwilling to budge. Whatever Hux knew, he would end up telling him in the end.

“Phasma heard that Snoke wasn’t pleased with the rumor,” he eventually said. “When was the last time you spoke with him?”

Kylo didn’t move. “Not that long ago.”

Truthfully, it had nearly been three weeks. Snoke should have checked in by now. The only way that he knew he still had a coach was the fact that the team credit card was still working. He never asked where Snoke got the money but could guess that it wasn't through legitimate business for the most part. 

“Well,” Hux said, then leaned over. “He’s here. And wants to speak with you.”

The ice blurred slightly. Since when was he not informed about his head coach arriving? He turned to glare at Hux.

“Where?” He said, his tone dropping to a near growl.

“He told me to tell you to go to your hotel,” Hux replied, stretching his hands behind his head. “That’s why I found you.”

Incensed, he abruptly rose to his feet. He stalked towards the exit, ignoring whatever Hux was saying behind him. Whatever was going on, he needed answers. The exile. Then the silence. Now an unannounced meeting with a message delivered by a less-talented teammate. Potentially about a planted rumor to some damaged girl in pairs skating. This was infuriating.

His leg bounced nervously in the taxi that took him from the arena back to his hotel. He took out his phone to check for messages and there were none. The architecture looked even more annoying in his aggravated state. Silesia was possibly the worst part of the world and he suddenly wanted to burn it all to the ground.

He found Snoke sitting in the tiny hotel restaurant, sipping a glass of red wine. The old Russian was bald now, but had piercing eyes that observed every error on the ice, as well as off of it. He rarely directly oversaw a skater, with some exceptions. Kylo had been directly trained by him for years, since he was a teenager. Snoke offered a network of choreographers, managers, and other trainers. Sponsorships were easily secured and there also seemed to be steady funding. Kylo had faced few of the worries about money that other skaters dealt with and didn’t question where some of Snoke’s funds came from.

“So, how is the recovery coming,” Snoke’s voice, slightly Russian tinged, seemed to cut through him as the older man spoke. He sipped his wine again and set it down.

“Excellent. Everything feels good,” he replied. Kylo waited to be invited to sit down before doing so. Snoke waved him to the chair.

“Hmm, good,” there was a long pause and then a deep sigh. “I’m not exactly pleased with it.”

“What.” Kylo stared at him. His leg threatened to start shaking again.

“I’ve heard from the trainers there, Kylo Ren. You appear distracted. And now there’s some rumor about skating _pairs_ with some _no-name girl._ Is that where you think you can find success?

Kylo took a deep breath. That Girl. Did she start this rumor? Who was she?

“I need a coach,” he managed to spit out. “And I don’t need that girl.”

“What you need is to figure out what you want,” Snoke shrugged and sipped his wine again. “But at the same time, I don’t care what you want. Right now, I have some suggestions that you cannot refuse.”

Kylo had to wait until Snoke finished his wine before he delivered the ultimatum.

-=-

The first thing Kylo did when he reached his hotel room was to pick up the nearest object and throw it as hard as he could. The hotel phone crashed into the opposite wall, knocking an ugly painting from its frame. He glared at the things he had broken.

He rubbed his face with his hand. He slowly looked up to catch his reflection in the mirror across the room. This was failure. He knew frustration but he had never known this level of failure before and he looked paler at the news that he couldn’t refuse. His rage started to rise in his throat. No.

He thought about his reputation. Having a poor recovery from an injury is never a good sign. Being sent away from the main training facility to Siberia was even worse. This had been the only life he had known since he turned 14. Before that…he didn’t want to think about how he skated before Snoke. He had trained him to a gold medal and international and national accolades. And all of this fell apart because of some girl.

Kylo broke the small table that stood beside the television, picking it up and sending it crashing to the floor. It had been the _girl_ that ruined all of this, not his injury. Just who in the hell was she?

The slight relief from the destruction shifted into a sudden and spiteful focus on finding out just who she was.

He pulled out his phone from his pocket and sat down beside the bed. The room was just big enough to fit his outstretched legs, despite the rubble. He hadn’t bothered to remove his boots. His jacket was still on. Somewhere, he realized that he hadn’t eaten dinner and was hungry. Those things could wait.

After a few minutes of searching, he found her and the clip Hux had blathered on about. The girl had mousy brown hair but her body looked toned and strong. She was clearly leading her dark-skinned partner. He was much weaker than she was and she seemed to be forcing him through the routine. Determined and focused, clean jumps and lines and eloquent poses. She had smiled genuinely at the start of the routine and his eyes had been drawn to her perfect teeth.

Then the routine hit its climactic point and the blade of her partner struck her head. She fell to the ice, blood pouring over her hands and the crowd collectively gasping. She seemed to pass out, her head limply dropping to the ice as trainers circled around her.

He paused the video and took in the scene, looking up from the bloody mess being shown on his phone to the broken pieces of furniture around his room.

She wasn’t the worst skater in the world. And judging from the three million views, she was clearly a known athlete, even for a wrong reason.

He sighed heavily. His hand had been forced but at least a plan was unfolding in his mind. He hated doubting himself and realized it wasn’t a good plan, but he needed something to save all of this. He needed to salvage this season and the next. He needed to get where he deserved to be.

This girl — _Rey_ — might actually be useful.

His rage had faded, somewhat. And now another annoying feeling started to take over.

He wanted to say he wasn’t nervous, and would deny it if anyone asked. His hand trembled slightly as he scrolled through his phone for a number that he hadn’t called in far, far too long.

“Mom, I need to speak with Uncle Luke.” 


	5. 2017 Four Continents Championships, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo meets Rey in the middle of nowhere Korea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks EVERYONE for all the kudos and replies! We just moved so I'm overwhelmed with everything (our old place isn't sold so I'm double stressed with renos and trying not to lose too much money. Plus, it's plus 30C everyday so I'm melting...) I'm working hard to research out this story while also getting some texts from work. Thanks again for the comments - I read them all and you are all great!

**Mid February—Four Continents Championships, Gangneung, South Korea**

It was utterly embarrassing to arrive as a spectator and not as a competitor. Kylo Ren glared from under his hoodie at the advertisement for the event as he exited his train from Seoul to arrive in Gangneung. The announcements in Korean washed over him as he still tried to shake his jetlag from landing in Seoul, followed by the late-night train ride through the morning into the city. He’d had worn sunglasses if he didn’t realize how idiotic he looked indoors with them on and that would only increase the attention. He also knew his eyes must have been fairly bloodshot so he wished he could shake that vanity as he navigated the inside of the building from the platform.

Since the train station was the main travel point, there were a few lurking international reporters that he recognized, wandering around the area after the initial entry point, near the taxis. He only wanted to reach the car that was waiting for him and the last person he wanted to speak to locked eyes with him.

Poe Dameron, damn him. He must have purposely tracked him down because this coincidence was beyond clever for him.

“Hey Kylo, wait up,” the reporter called as he quickly caught up to him. “Want to ask you a few questions here. Have you heard that Rey Niima arrived yesterday? Did you plan this? Will there be a press conference so I can, you know, get some actual answers?”

Kylo paused and turned to glare at the shorter man. “Which question are you expecting me to answer, because none of that was coherent.”

“I’m just looking for whatever sticks,” he answered, his cameraman finally catching up behind him. “So what part of that made you actually acknowledge me?”

Every ounce of him itched to go, but he realized the opportunity he had at that moment, despite the early morning hour. How long had that idiot been waiting for him? The past few weeks had been beyond frustrating. He had been forced to return, with relative silence, to California to clear out his apartment, since it belonged to Snoke. He sent whatever didn’t fit into his car to his parents’ address without explanation. They could do whatever they wanted to with the few mementos he had clung onto over the years. He lived sparsely and cleanly so there wasn’t much clutter, aside from these sentimental objects. His clothes, linens, skating costumes, skates and weights took up quite a bit of space in the back seat and trunk of his car. He had carefully placed his guitar case on top of the fairly balanced pile and secured it all in place with the seatbelts and ropes. A box of books, a box of electronics, and a few pieces of kitchenware were the last things shoved into his front seat. The clutter drove him insane as he began the drive to Connecticut.

That was the only thing that Luke had told him to do. He had to come to New England and find out what the next phase was.

It turned out to be a rental apartment and another message to come to Korea. A ticket was even waiting for him in his inbox.

It was like being led around by a string and Kylo hated games like this. But where else was he supposed to go? This girl was his only real solution at this point, even if it meant working with a man he hated.

He played out the last few weeks in his head as he slowly came back to reality in Korea. After a heavy sigh, he drew down his hood to look directly at the reporter and his cameraman. “I don’t have much time, but to put it simply, yes, Rey and I will be meeting this weekend.”

He promptly turned and quickly exited out to the organized taxi area. Poe didn’t bother to follow, only offering a quick wave before pulling up his phone to either make a call or send an email or whatever he did to fill the endless news cycle. Kylo reasoned that he must be a fairly desperate reporter to continue chasing this story that would probably lead nowhere.

There was a man waiting with his name – _his real name, fucking Uncle Luke_ – and he simply nodded and set his small suitcase in the open trunk. He set his skate bag beside it. He climbed into the passenger seat and tried to get his bearings. The brief adrenaline of dealing with Poe, combined with the abnormality of the situation, had managed to keep him aware of where he was the last fifteen minutes, but now he found himself starting to be weighed down by the lack of sleep. Just sitting down and feeling the car lurch ahead had easily shaken him.

He pulled out his sunglasses from his pocket. Even though he didn’t wear them indoors, it didn’t mean he didn’t own a nice pair of aviators.

“Are you tired, sir?” His Korean driver must have been given intense English training. This was the test event before the Olympics in a year. In a year, Kylo thought angrily, he better be sitting in the same country again, but in a vastly different situation.

“Yes, it was a long flight,” he mumbled, turning away to take in the late afternoon view of the city. “And another long train ride.”

“Here to skate?”

He turned his head slightly back to the driver. “Yes, but not to compete.”

The driver nodded and let the conversation thankfully die. The Korean roads were busy but seemed efficient. It had been a long day, filled with achingly long flights with frustrating layovers. The last big part of the journey had been landing in the middle of the night, only to climb onboard a train that would arrive near dawn at the location of the championships. This was torture.

And meeting Luke and the Girl would be his execution. He almost rolled his eyes at himself. He hated feeling off his own footing. Having to talk to his mother almost a month ago had made him feel slightly uneven. Her voice, shaded by smoking over the years, had responded honestly yet cautiously to his questions.

Where was Luke. Is he still coaching. No, I don’t feel like _googling_ any of this.

He didn’t ask about his father. He didn’t even ask how she was feeling. He simply moved onto what he wanted. Now, sitting in a taxi in the middle of basically nowhere Korea, he realized that he might have come off as being self-centered. He didn’t really feel like making it up to his family so the phone call and his contact with Luke would have to do for now.

Finally, as the sun was hanging lazily in the morning air, they reached the hotel. He started to feel exhaustion really sweep over him. He had a hard time sleeping on planes and the overnight train had basically been another write off. All he wanted was a bed. Breakfast could wait.

The taxi had been prepaid so all he had to do was leave into the hotel. He hadn’t bothered to learn about tipping in Korea because, honestly, why bother. The hotel seemed mid-range, but clean and definitely more western than other, cheaper, places. He approached the desk and handed them his passport. The pretty and energetic girl behind the desk nodded and smiled and entered his information.

“Welcome, Mr. Ren!” She smiled brightly. “Everything is ready for you. The other key card is already inside. Welcome!”

He quirked an eyebrow at her poor English and snatched up his entry card. The room was two floors up but he skipped using the elevator. His legs needed to be stretched after hours of being cramped into things made for Koreans.

His legs felt slightly heavy has he climbed the stairs. He sighed deeply when he reached the door. If he wasn’t so stubborn, he would have fallen asleep on his feet right there.

Suddenly, the door opened and he was jolted out of his wearied trance.

The petite, brown-haired form nearly slammed into him as she left the room, her head bent to her phone.

“Hey!” He shouted, taking a quick step aside.

Her head shot up and her eyes widened. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.” She dropped her arm to her side, still holding her phone. He had to concentrate to keep from shoving her aside, annoyed at her phone.

They stood in the hallway, awkwardly frozen. She was only slightly taller than he had imagined, but still shorter than he was. Her chestnut hair was pulled back into a ponytail. He caught a vague hint of her perfume when she had barged out the door. This was the girl, obviously. What was he supposed to say in a situation like this?

She broke that thought by reaching out her free hand. “Hi, my name is Rey.”

He eyed the hand. “Kylo Ren.”

“I guess you’re here to see me,” she replied, slowly lowering her offered hand. “I was just heading down for some breakfast. Do you want to come?”

He shook his head. “I just got here. I’d like to shower and sleep.”

“Oh, okay,” she stepped aside and he entered his — _their_ — room.

There were two beds and her suitcase was beside the bed closest the window. He settled his bag on the free bed and sat down to remove his shoes. He heard her come back into the room and the door shut behind her.

“I…maybe I can get something for you? Are you hungry?” she asked. He noticed that she had a British accent and had never really thought about that before. He must have heard her speak during some of the interviews he watched. He was annoyed at his own lack of observation.

He was hungry but didn’t want to admit it. “I can get something later.”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll just grab some stuff and be right back,” she answered and quickly left the room before he could object.

He flopped back onto the bed and finished toeing off his shoes. Of course Luke would put them in the same room. He should have anticipated it. But now he was too tired to be anything more than annoyed. He felt sweaty and grimy from the travel but there was no way he would shower when he didn’t know when the girl would bust back through the door.

He was dozing slightly when he heard the door open again. Keeping his eyes closed, he hoped she would think he was asleep. She didn’t speak and instead he heard her place something near the television stand in the center of the room. It was a plate; he could hear the sound of it lightly clinking when she set it down. She tiptoed to her bed and sat down on it. He heard her start to chew on what must have been her breakfast.

At least she was quiet, he thought before he felt himself start to actually drift off to sleep.


	6. 2017 Four Continents Championships, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first time skating together goes as expected...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for the comments! I read them all and really appreciate everyone hanging with me. As usual, I go through the previous chapters and try to clean up some inconsistencies. I've also boosted the rating for ... future events long in the future.

As Rey chewed her breakfast sandwich, she watched Kylo Ren sleep. She was surprised at how good the egg sandwich was when she ate it yesterday when she had arrived. She was relieved she didn’t have to eat rice for breakfast when she saw the sandwiches being served at a cart just outside the hotel. That was as far as her research about Korea got her; they ate rice all the time. She had tried to pack the right clothes but still wasn’t sure. She might as well have travelled to the moon; everything felt very odd.

He was lightly snoring, but it wasn’t disturbingly loud. It was more like the sound of a deeply exhausted man. She didn’t want to stare at him but she didn’t know what else to do. She didn’t really expect him to show up, to be honest.

When she contacted Luke through the card from coach Yoda, he had initially turned her down in the first few minutes. First, she explained whom she had got the number from — “That old troll? What does he want?” — and then she had softly explained her situation.

She couldn’t tell if he was listening or not because she kept hearing rustling in the background, as if he was pacing or moving papers around. She had called him the afternoon that she had returned home when she finally got a lengthy text from Finn. She tossed down her bags and clung to her phone for the few minutes that it took her to absorb what he had written. It would have been short if it had been an email or a Facebook message, but instead it was a rambling text asking how she was and what her plans were. He finally wrote that he felt guilty about everything and was staying with his mother in Florida for the time being, teaching kids to skate at a local rink. At the end of the text, Finn wrote that he was planning on retiring and asked if she could be there at the press conference in March at the Worlds in Finland.

She had instantly felt angry and offended. How dare he just quit like this? He was giving up on himself, not just her. Why couldn’t he face her? Why was he being so selfish? She shakily closed the text without replying and dialed the number to Luke without a second thought. It was better to be rash about one thing than another. Luke could just reject her, Finn was breaking parts of her heart. Her hands were shaking as he answered on the fourth ring. 

Luke had heard about her accident but hadn’t really paid attention to it, he admitted. He was more or less retired, he said. She had taken the time to look him up and he had had a solid career as a skater before moving into working off the ice with other skaters. He had coached briefly but it seemed like something significant pushed him out of it, by the tone of his voice. It surprised her that he still stayed on the line, but he kept his voice flat. When she came to the part about getting the text that day, and how Finn must have heard about the rumor about skating with Kylo Ren by now, her voice shook more than she was expecting. Why was this hard? She could normally handle things like this. She heard Luke stop his pacing. He sighed deeply and mumbled the name to himself. He sounded both bitter and annoyed.

“Look…" The pause was so long that she began to think that he had hung up or set down the phone. Finally, he said, "I’ll be in touch.”

And it wasn’t that long — about a week — before he sent her a text, asking for her passport information and email address to book a flight to Korea. Her hands were not steady again as she answered. It was like typing in a dream. That was the only contact he had with her up until that point. «It looks like Kylo’s onboard too but I am still not sure we can trust him to actually show up» the text had read. The flight information popped up in her email shortly after, already paid. 

«does he even know who I am?» she wrote back.

«We’ll see.»

And now, here she was. Eating breakfast on her bed in her room in Korea that she shared with him. And she still hadn’t met Luke face to face. She had no idea how her life had been so thoroughly shaken but she was strangely fine with it. She had more or less said to Unkar that she was changing directions. He looked at her with bleary eyes, not even realizing where he was at that moment. When he shook out of it, he eyed her suspiciously, asking her if she was serious. She needed a real coach and a real partner, she understood at that moment. He was giving her nothing. He could make it without her. After all, Finn could.

On the bed beside her, she heard Kylo start to cough. He stirred and slowly rose up to his elbows. He blinked and appeared to be remembering where he was. He rolled over to sit up.

“Hello,” she said softly. “I brought you a sandwich.”

He turned to look at her and gave her a small nod. “I fell asleep.”

“Yes you did,” she replied. “Not for that long though. Maybe you should eat and then rest again if Luke doesn't show..”

He nodded again, rising from the bed to retrieve the sandwich. As he sat down again he bit into it and blinked. “It’s a little sweet.”

“Yeah, I think it’s sort of original – different but good,” she tried to smile at him and he just gave her another nod in reply. He didn’t talk much, apparently.

She cleared her throat. “What has Luke told you about this weekend?”

He chewed on the sandwich and shrugged. “He didn’t even tell me that we would be sharing a room.”

She flushed. “I guessed I was sharing with someone when I got here. I thought it would be him.”

“He does like to be mysterious…” Kylo mumbled into his food. “It’s nothing you get used to.”

“I suppose,” she replied with a smirk. She thought about his words, forcing herself to accept that he must have known Luke from earlier, although it was something she had considered on her journey there. “As far as I know, we’re supposed to do some test skating together. Luke thought it was good to show our faces here and actually benefit from whatever that rumor is. It might be fun to watch some skating also.”

“Hmm.”

He finished eating and stood and stretched. His fingertips nearly brushed the ceiling of their small room. He sighed and rubbed the back of this neck.

“Do you have somewhere else you could be for a while?” He bluntly asked her, his back to her.

She raised her eyebrows, slightly taken aback. “This is my room too so no, not really.”

He turned and blinked at her. “Not really? I need to shower and I don’t want to do that with you in the room.”

Rey wasn’t used to someone talking to her like this. He wasn’t speaking in rude tone but he was calmly demanding her to leave what had been her room just a few hours ago. She wasn’t going to let him push her around no matter how far he had travelled. Why did she need to leave? The bathroom had a lock on it. She wasn’t going to break down the door to ogle him in the shower. Was this some sort of power game?

“Why does it matter? The washroom has a door, you can lock it.” She answered, letting some annoyance creep into her voice. She crossed her arms across her chest. She had even brought him breakfast and he was forcing her to leave.

“I don’t want to start things off on the wrong foot…”

“Too late,” she interrupted. “I think you already have.”

He ignored her and continued his thoughts, reaching for excuses. “I’m not used to sharing rooms on the road.”

“Well, I am.”

He sighed, as if this was the most exasperating thing he had ever experienced in his life. He ran his hand through his hair and then let his hand rest at his side. He took a deep breath, glaring at her as he clenched his hand into a fist.

“Fine, whatever.”

He picked up his suitcase and nearly threw it down on the bed. He aggressively opened the zipper and retrieved a clean shirt and a smaller bag from within it. Glaring again, he looked up at her before turning and walking the few steps to the bathroom. He slammed the door and locked it. Rey just sat there, shocked and suddenly mad. Was she supposed to skate with this grown _child_? Rey gaped at the door for a few minutes before flopping down onto the bed. What had she done to deserve this? She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, not knowing what else to do.

Letting the pillow fall to her lap, she thought about her options. Part of her wanted to leave the room and find something else to do. But another part of her didn’t want to grant him the satisfaction of getting what he wanted. She settled for pulling out her headphones and trying to listen to music while she waited for him to finish showering. It didn’t work as she felt her frustration start to build after only one song. The memory of this stupid situation would ruin the song for her. She needed to find some way to reason out why he was being an ass. Maybe he was just snappy because he was tired and jetlagged. Pulling out her ear buds, she let her shoulders sag in irritation and decided that she would try not to stay angry at him for too long because that was a fairly valid excuse. It was harder than she thought.

Still slightly annoyed, she texted Luke that Kylo had arrived and waited for his reply, tapping nervously on the side of her phone. He didn’t answer but instead there was a knock at their door only a half a minute later. He obviously had booked a room nearby and had not told her or contacted her during her time there. He even knew which room they were in without her telling him. Another ass.

Rey opened the door to meet a weathered face and greying beard. Luke didn’t really smile at her but his eyes crinkled slightly in greeting.

“He tell you to leave?” He asked, entering the room while noticing the running shower.

“Yes, but he decided to shower anyway.” She replied.

He nodded moving to sit on the bed furthest from the washroom. “Okay.”

She had no way of interpreting his tone or his words. He was listening to the shower rather than paying attention to her.

“Can I just say that I appreciate you taking a chance on me?” She said, moving towards him. “I know that this is a bit much.”

He slowly looked at her. “If you two work together today, we should be back here in a year. Remember that. This is where we all want to be.”

She nearly took a step back at his blunt words but nodded instead. The bizarreness of the situation started to rise in the back of her mind, and she started to feel anxious. She was in a strange hotel room with two strange men that she desperately needed for her future. She had basically signed her life away, telling Plutt she was meeting with another coach and partner. He hadn’t cared for months but the announcement actually made him have a legitimate reaction after a few minutes. It seemed like he actually thought that Finn would come back to her too. He had managed to carve out a career in America and since her accident there had been a growing distance. Finn saying that he would retire hadn’t really shaken him. He had other skaters and other work at this point, despite how utterly disgusting he was. He had looked suspiciously at her when she told him about going to Korea for the meeting. How was it that he had more sense than her? What was she doing here? She was beginning to question Luke's motivations as well. He didn't have to agree to all of this and he did it anyway. 

Luke cleared his throat as they both heard the shower end. “He’s not going to be happy to see me.”

“Why?” She asked, letting her annoyance show. There were too many things being hidden from her at this point. Her nagging jetlag and lack of sleep were putting her on edge.

“He’s never happy to see anyone,” Luke shrugged, turning way from her to gaze out the small window.

There were a few minutes of calm before everything seemed to escalate, like the feeling of an upcoming lightning strike during a storm. It felt incredibly awkward when Kylo emerged from the washroom. The door slowly opened and he walked out, still toweling his hair, clean-shaven with a new shirt. Rey could feel even more tension when he slowed in the doorway, ignoring her to eye Luke. The two of them were obviously glaring at each other, not moving or speaking. She felt something snap inside her and let out a long and annoyed sigh.

They broke their eye contact to look at her.

“Can we just go to the rink?” She folded her arms. “This room is overflowing with testosterone and I can’t breathe.”

“I like you,” Luke said with a light chuckle, rising from the bed as if he couldn’t feel the difficult feelings swirling around the room. “Get your stuff and meet me in the hall.”

He walked by Kylo, eyeing him, before exiting the room. Rey watched as Kylo sighed heavily, then nodded to himself. He moved robotically, looking at everything but her. It was like he was also regretting coming there. Could he even skate pairs? Rey let the thought roll around her mind as they prepared to leave. They grabbed their skating bags in silence before donning their coats to join Luke in the hallway. Rey hated not speaking in those quiet minutes. She wanted to get to know them both but found herself starting to learn about them by their lack of speaking. Kylo was stiff, standing in the opposite corner of the elevator from Luke as they moved downward. He kept looking above their heads, only meeting their eyes if he needed to. For someone who seemed so confident, he really wasn’t good with people.

Rey thought she wasn’t good with people either, but she could at least be polite.

It wasn’t below freezing outside, but the weather was still chilly. Rey still didn’t have a good handle on what time of day it was, but the sun was still fairly high in the sky for a winter day. Luke retrieved the rental car and after they stowed their gear, she got into the passenger seat when she noticed that Kylo moved instantly to the back seat.

The rink was in a busy shopping mall. Korean shoppers streamed by the relatively tiny ice surface. At least the ice looked real and not the fake stuff they had in warmer countries.

“Is this the best you could do?” Kylo asked angrily. “Really?”

Luke shrugged. “It shouldn’t matter where you are if you really _are_ as good as you think you _are_.”

They got changed in the still tense atmosphere the two men were creating, ducking into two relatively small change rooms off the rink. The clerks were helpful, despite their relatively limited English. Posters for the event decorated the pillars around the rink. Rey smiled brightly and noticed how the two younger female workers laughed to one another and looked at them with wide eyes when they signed in. She guessed that they recognized them but wasn’t about to let it go to her head. At least her face wasn’t on a poster. They stretched to the side and she admired his flexibility. Despite everything, she knew that he was talented and she wanted to test it before totally succumbing to her sense of doubt.

Ice was ice, even if it was in the middle of a shopping center. She circled the rink, measuring the boards in her head, going through her on-ice warm up. Kylo joined her, following her motions but in the opposite corner. They were the only skaters so a few shoppers stopped to watch them from around the rink as they started circling one another. There were probably more people watching them now than those that watched her at some of the smaller competitions, she thought to herself as she noticed a little girl hop up to watch from a bench.

“I can do your routine,” he said, skating up beside her. “I’ve watched it enough.”

She looked at him with a little surprise, switching to skate backwards to meet his eyes. She followed him and tilted her head. “Just because you can memorize the choreography doesn’t mean you can learn that routine from YouTube.”

He looked overly confident and shook his head. “We can try it at least and I can prove your wrong.”

She sighed to herself as he skated away, swiftly moving to jump and stick a fairly effortless triple axel. A few observers clapped. Show off.

Testing her legs, she skated backwards, building up speed to land her own jump. He kept a bit of a distance from her but was starting to skate closer, almost trying to intimidate her into attempting her previous long program. Her landing could use some work but she felt more ready than she had in months to skate with another person, even if it was a rude and brooding man-child. It felt good to fly again.

Luke stood by the edge of the ice and called them over. “Start by taking her hand and find a good rhythm around the ice. Do some laps.”

“I can do the routine,” Kylo shook his head in disagreement. “Let me try.”

Luke narrowed his eyes at him. “Slow, baby steps first.”

“Fine,” he agreed, reluctantly after thirty seconds of silence. The sound from the ice system hummed around them, along with the distant murmer from the passing shoppers.

She reached out her hand and he took it as they turned, trying to figure out how to properly join their hands. How could he manage the routine if he couldn’t figure out how to hold her hand naturally? They slowly moved around the rink and she quickly noticed how focused to detail he was, despite some of his rougher moves. He was a quicker learner than she had labeled him just a few seconds ago. His hands were softer than she imagined and his nails were neatly clipped, if not subtly manicured. They switched speeds and positions, edging around the corners. She actually smiled at him when he matched her movements. 

“Hands on her hips!” Luke called. “Skate with one another and stop looking so afraid.”

Rey moved towards him and he gently put his hands on both of her sides. Facing him, she briefly studied his face again. His brown eyes contrasted the brightness of the ice around them. 

“Press lift!”

It wasn’t a complicated move but it did take a little practice if one hadn’t skated pairs before. Luke seemed to want to challenge him to his words about doing the program right off the start.

She noticed a brief panic in his eyes. If he thought he could do the routine than this shouldn’t have surprised him. “We skate together, I turn towards you and you lift me over your head. Lock your elbows and I balance my hands on yours over your head. It’s in the routine.”

He quickly thought about it. “Let me lead.”

She nodded with a bit of uncertainty. “Just don’t drop me.”

They built up speed on the relatively small rink. Holding his one hand she reached out, taking his other. He pulled her closer and quickly hoisted her into the air, stretching out his arms until his elbows locked. She felt him shudder slightly, looking for balance. Her arms locked in place and she guided his palms to rest slightly on her hips. It felt slightly awkward but she stretched out her legs and looked down at his concentration.

“Okay?” She asked.

He nodded, moving smoothly across the ice despite his relatively awkward arm position. “I’m going to put you down now, you’re very heavy.”

She was slightly shocked but let him guide her back to the ice. She landed easily and pushed away from him.

“Don’t be rude,” she said, slightly under her breath.

“It’s not rude, you are heavy.”

“You need to build more upper body strength.”

“You need to eat fewer sandwiches.”

A sharp whistle brought them back to the world. Luke called them over again. “So?”

Rey sighed. “It feels…okay. But he has a terrible attitude.”

Kylo just shrugged. “That’s your problem.”

Slightly shocked, she rolled her eyes. “What do you think, Luke?”

“Do the lift a few more times, then we’ll do some off-ice work back at the hotel,” he replied, with the slight wave of his hand. “You look good together. That part works, at least.”

They returned to the move and repeated it twice and Rey still felt annoyed at how he was acting. First at the hotel and now these off-hand remarks were making her faith in the entire thing start to weaken. On the third attempt, after some gentle bickering between them, things started to go slightly askew. As their arms met, when his arms were supposed to stretch her upwards, something faltered. One of his arms buckled and he only halfheartedly tried to catch her as she tumbled to the ice. It wasn’t a hard fall but it still shook her. The crowd gave a slight gasp.

“I told you not to drop me!” She exclaimed, still lying on the ice.

He shook his head, looking down at her. His chest was heaving slightly. “I don’t know what went wrong.”

She took a deep breath and reached out her hand. He hesitated for a second before he took it and helped her to her feet.

They skated over to Luke and he was shaking his head. “Yes, off-ice for now. I don’t want you breaking her.”

And that’s how Rey spent the day going through basic lifts and holds in an empty back-conference room back at their hotel. She was surprised that the roof allowed for some of the lifts. Kylo seemed to be gaining confidence and seemed less shy to touch her as the afternoon wore on. His frustration at dropping her and not being able to instantly conquer this aspect of the sport seemed to be driving him to concentrate on training the parts he could at that instant. He could be centered in the moment. As long as he didn’t speak, and he didn’t drop her on the hard carpeting, they were getting along. Rey’s body started to feel accustomed to his and she wasn’t quite prepared for that. It had taken more time with Finn and they had really clicked. But with Kylo, he seemed to know how to read her moves before she made them. Even in an empty ballroom, it started to dawn on her that this might just work.

As long as he didn’t drop her again, she silently repeated to herself. And she stopped thinking about the intense focus in his eyes when he looked at her. It would take a while before she was stepping on the ice with him, if she could help it.

They broke for a late lunch and Luke gave them an expectant look.

“So, is this going to work?”

Rey suddenly felt torn. Yes, they worked well physically, at least with this part. He was a fast learner and seemed to be approaching this with stern determination. But on the other hand, he seemed to disrespect both her and Luke. But he was here. That meant something—even if was just out of self-centred desperation. Finn had made a selfish decision to pull away from her and Kylo was here but for his own individual reasons. But she also had things that she wanted. She wanted to win and if it was with this man, then that’s how it had to be. She met his eyes and he gave her a small nod. It seemed like he hated failing at things as much as she did.

“Yes.” They answered in unison.

Luke grinned. “Good because I’ve already registered you for next season through the Hartford club. The press conference is tomorrow morning.”

Again, Rey felt her life start to speed away from her and her head spun more than it felt to do a triple-triple combination.


	7. 2017 Four Continents Championships, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The partnership is announced and Kylo struggles with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has been so nice with their comments! Love to you all. This fic is actually consuming me at this point - it's the perfect distraction before the semester starts. Our old apartment is still for sale so there are tons of arguments about money and the future. It's still too hot and the place that was supposed to install our blinds at the new place missed our order - I haven't slept more than five hours a night for something like a month. Writing this has kept me going so thanks so MUCH for reading.

It was 7.30 a.m. on Thursday morning when they sat down together in front of the media. The ice dance short program would start at 11, so they had to start early before the rest of the performers would be trotted out for their brief minutes of exposure before heading to the ice. It was early, but they had already been awake for hours, unable to sleep. Kylo had spent most of the morning replaying the events from last night as they sat in their room, watching the television. The Korean news seemed to be discussing the event but he wasn’t really paying attention. 

He had wanted to avoid Rey but found it impossible. Last night had been the same. After yesterday’s lunch, they had returned to training. Not with lifts this time, but instead with simple dance and ballet moves. Her training wasn’t as refined as his, he noticed quickly, but she worked hard to keep up. When Luke had left them, they had returned to their room to shower and change. He had disappeared to the ISU dinner, leaving the two of them to find their own way around town. They had spent the day being very close to one another so suddenly being in two separate spaces felt liberating.

He thought about leaving the room while she was finishing in the washroom. That would be one way of avoiding her. Instead, he heard her start to talk in the room. The walls weren’t very thick so he was able to hear what she was saying fairly well. Ignoring her privacy, he moved a silent step closer to the door.

“Hi.” He clearly couldn’t hear the other side of the call and her voice was muffled.

“I just wanted to call and say I got your text a while ago.”

There was a lengthy silence.

“Yeah, I know. It really upset me, Finn.”

Ah, so it was the oaf that abandoned her. Kylo felt an odd feeling in his chest. Was he jealous she was talking to him? She was annoying and combative and needed to work on some aspects of her skating. But now she was his partner. He was allowed to feel…something.

“I don’t know if I can. I’ve…Finn. Wait. I wanted to tell you before we announce it tomorrow. I’ve got a new partner now. I wanted to tell you because…” he could hear her voice getting strained. “Well, because I actually care about what you think. Not like you.”

He smirked to himself that she could talk to someone else the way that she quarrelled with him. He felt proud before he thought he could hear her take a shaky sigh, followed by more silence.

“But, you have only been thinking about yourself. I can’t really talk much more. I’m on long distance from Korea and…yes, Korea…with Kylo Ren.”

He tensed at his name, wanting to move even closer to the door. He actually wanted to open the door and take the phone from her and yell at _that_ man. Why did she still care about him at this point? Kylo didn’t really know the story but had already decided he detested him.

“He’s a rude asshole but…” he rolled his eyes, not taking any offence. “…but it felt okay to be on the ice with him. It was different but not really bad. It wasn’t what I was expecting. He’s…well.” Another pause and Kylo had started to digest what she had said. She actually wanted to skate with him and that was slightly confusing. “He dropped me but…” then he heard her laugh. “Finn, we wouldn’t be in this situation if I _hadn’t_ been hurt worse before…”

There was another long and drawn-out silence and Kylo suddenly realized how suspicious he looked. He wanted to press his ear to the door. Carefully, he grabbed his phone and plugged in his headphones. He didn’t put on music but instead gently sat in a chair in the opposite corner of the room. Instead, he pulled up the video of her routine again. It wasn’t the one where she was injured but an earlier one from another competition. The filming wasn’t from the best angle but he could at least see how she moved again. The slight jealousy panged again whenever her partner touched her. Kylo thought about what she had said to Finn about her new partnership. She’d called him an asshole, but she didn’t entirely hate him either. They had basically been forced into their current situation and she seemed to be pushing through everything aggravating about it. It made the entire conversation seem even more difficult to listen to; she still wanted to connect with her former partner. He glanced briefly at the door and it was still closed.

She clearly cared deeply about someone who first hurt her and threatened her career and then, apparently, asked her for some sort of favour. He was glaring at the screen when she emerged, her eyes looked slightly red. Inwardly, he hoped it was because she was tired.

After quickly glancing up, he looked quickly back down. Pretending not to notice the door open, he kept his eyes on his phone until she walked up to him and tapped his knee. She was a physical person. It would take some time to get used to her.

“Want to go get dinner?” She looked tired, asking when he had pulled out a single earbud.

He nodded and stood. She wiped her eyes as she moved towards the door. Was he supposed to ask if she was okay? Really, it felt manipulative. Or maybe she was trying to trick him into admitting he had eavesdropped.

He settled for silence, grabbing his coat to follow her. They were quiet until they got outside. He hadn’t really studied the area and though it annoyed him, he let her lead the way.

“Thank you,” she finally said after a few blocks of walking.

“For what?”

“For at least pretending not to listen to me talk to Finn.”

He shrugged, stealing his face for the lie. “I really didn’t hear much.”

She offered him a small grin. “It’s fine, really. I had to tell him. I don’t know why, but I just had to.”

Maybe it was because he was tired. Maybe it was because she didn’t seem to demand something from him. But he let the remark slide. For now. Angrily, he really wanted to call her on how stupid she was, still trying to trust someone who obviously didn’t deserve it any longer.

They found a decent looking noodle house that appeared to have a menu somewhat in English. It wasn’t far from the hotel and he was almost too hungry to care about the general quality of the place. They ordered and after their tea arrived, he finally returned to the thoughts that had been turning in his mind.

“You really shouldn’t feel sorry for him,” he said firmly. “Seriously, Rey. You’re being too kind.”

She slowly sipped her tea before answering. She stared at the cup, as if waiting for it to give her the answer. “I know. But I just want to understand why he’s acting like this.”

“Have you tried _not_ caring?”

She shrugged. “I can’t really think like that.”

For a moment, her puzzled sadness seemed to fill the space around them. She’d been abandoned and was confused about it. Kylo realized that she must also know what it was like to be alone.

He sighed, taking a quick sip from his cup. “I think that he’s afraid. You two skated well together so this all seems like nonsense. He’s afraid he’d do it again because he can be careless. Now he’s looking to justify his excuses to himself. He’s giving up on this but not on you.”

“What do you mean?” She asked as their food arrived. It smelled spicy and fresh and seemed to be what one would need on a brisk winter night in Korea.

“He wouldn’t be in your life if he still didn’t care about you,” he answered. “He needed to pull away. He’s in some sort of…pain that he doesn’t know how to deal with without hurting you. Don’t take it so personally.”

She picked up a spoon and began to taste the broth of her soup. Looking up at him again, she said, “That sounds like something you might have experience with.”

He gazed up from his food to give her a careful look. “Don’t act like you know me.”

He realized he had basically told her something along the same lines, but he pushed the feeling aside. Tilting her head, she also ignored the warning in his tone. “I don’t know you. It was just a guess. Kylo, look, we’re going to have to get along in some way. We need to find some sort of balance.”

He took a few bites of his food, fiddling with the chopsticks. It was embarrassing to mess up in front of her. “If it’s important to how we are on the ice, we can come up with some sort of…deal.”

“A deal? Is that how you made your other friends?”

“I don’t have many friends,” he shrugged.

She laughed and he managed to smile, although it wasn’t really a joke.

It was her laugh and the taste of spicy noodles that he remembered as he sat before the media. He slowly came back to where he was and sat up a little straighter. He had rarely felt relaxed when he was in previous situations like this but she almost made him calm. Her bright smile and neatly styled hair. Her eyes were also lively, despite of the early hour they had both gotten up. On the other hand, Luke looked like he needed more coffee than they had in all of Korea.

The Korean ISU media representative started off the conference from her end of the table. “We don’t normally do these announcements, but Mr. Ren and Mr. Skywalker’s reputations have brought up several requests for something more formal. So, I give the word to them, along with Miss Niima.”

Luke nodded and fiddled with his microphone. The crowd was moderately sized, but a little bigger than he had expected. He could already feel Dameron’s beady eyes pinned on him.

Luke cleared his throat. “Yesterday, we filed paperwork to formally announce that next season Kylo Ren and Rey Niima will officially skate as a team that I will be coaching. We’ll be based out of West Hartford Figure Skating Club. We’re here today mainly to settle any Internet rumours about…this so they can focus on the lead up to the Olympics.”

He nodded to Kylo, “Kid?”

Kylo had to resist rolling his eyes. “Yes, I’ve recovered from my injury. This will be a new challenge.”

It was short. He never really had much to say to these people.

Rey stared at him for a few seconds, expecting more, before adding her voice. “First, I want to thank Finn for all of our years of partnership. He and I discussed this new partnership and he thought that it was also the best for me. I can’t really speak much of his future plans at this moment. And my second thanks goes to both Kylo and Luke for taking a chance on me. I’m still amazed to be sitting here with two very accomplished skaters.”

She spoke steadily, like she could better deal with this sort of attention than he could. He could tell she was somewhat lying but her tone made it seem real.

The representative stood again once Rey was done talking. “We have a few minutes for questions before we move onto our regularly scheduled ice dancers. There are three mics set up. Please state your name and your organization and keep it to one question.”

“Yeah, hi, Poe Dameron, ESPN. You know, from the U.S.?” Kylo shut his eyes at the sound of _that_ man’s voice. He'd dealt with him for years so they had a rather strained relationship. “I’ve mainly got a question for Rey but Kylo can answer if he can say more than three words. Rey, you’ve only skated with one consistent partner in your career before. How’s your dynamic with a guy switching from singles?”

Rey, to her credit, met the reporter’s eyes and didn’t look at the man who sat beside her. “Like I said, I cherish my time and all I learnt from Finn. This is a new start for all of us and I think that after yesterday, I can say that I…really want this to work. My dream is the Olympics and I believe we can get there.”

“Yes,” Kylo added. “We’re putting the past behind us.”

Poe didn’t look satisfied with the answer but was quickly waved to the back of the line. Kylo dreaded the next question he had for them, if he ever managed to sneak back up to the mic again. A British reporter followed, asking Rey if she had thought about coming home instead. Next, A Russian reporter asked him (in Russian, of course) if he had been training pairs during his time in Petersburg. He answered (in Russian, of course) that he hadn’t but had started considering it at the time. Rey had looked surprised when she heard him speaking another language, even though he was certain she couldn’t understand a word of it. The rest of the questions were short, but it ended painlessly, although he could see Dameron lurking by the door as they moved to the exit.

“Hey guys, can I just get one more question, well one or two more,” he asked following them out into the hallway. They passed by the ice dancers, most of whom offered nods of greeting. Dameron ignored Luke and pressed towards Rey and Kylo. “Rey, he’s already dropped you in training. Is this really going to work, at all?”

Aggressively, Kylo turned to face him. “You have no idea what you are talking about.”

Dameron smirked. “Saw the picture on Twitter. Looked pretty simple to me.”

Rey gently stepped between them. “Look, it was just a test. We’re new. Give us time and we’ll show you.”

Then she gently took Kylo’s arm and led him down the hallway. The first ice dance teams entered the room and Dameron was forced to return to his actual job, rather than making their existences more difficult than they already were.

The rest of the day, aside from a short break for lunch, was spent at a nearby dance studio that Luke had managed to secure. He preferred the privacy compared to the skating rink at the mall. They went through the same motions as the day before, but Kylo felt himself increasingly more confident at the movements. Luke’s instructions were actually useful rather than consistently annoying. He missed the ice but learning how to lift, hold, and the starting motions of how to throw Rey brought on a focused curiosity he hadn’t felt in years. This wasn’t just learning a new, more difficult routine. It was something he could really embrace.

He was focused on paralleling her moves and hadn’t really noticed that she was starting to tire faster than he was. Glancing at the mirror, he saw how their moves weren’t quite matching like they had a half an hour ago. Her arms started to falter and her turns weren’t as crisp. It slowly started to dawn on him how long they had been working.

“That’s enough for today,” Luke finally said. He had, at the start of the day, pulled out a small red notebook. It was a lingering annoyance that made Kylo seethe slightly inside whenever Luke would scribble something down. The notebook used to be blue before, and then was green. Now it was red. The change made Kylo suspicious every time Luke wrote something.

The older man waved them out of the room. “Let’s go get dinner, then we’ll go see as much of the ladies short program as we can stay awake for.”

They had arrived already changed to the studio, with their street clothes in their bags. It was only when they reached the tiny change room that belonged to the studio that they realized there was only one small, open shower area. Technically, it was enough for four or five people but he instantly turned away, offering it to her. She blushed, deeply, nodding without words. Rey was exhausted and he was still relatively pleased with how the day went. Endorphins made it hard to be brooding. He left the change room to get a drink of water and check his phone. Leaning against the wall beside the door, he scanned his email.

“Hey,” Luke said, approaching from the main studio.

He gave his uncle a nod, still scrolling through his phone. Maybe he was only in a good mood to be nice to Rey.

“I’m still surprised you gave me a call and went along with all of this,” Luke said. “I’m not going to push you about why…”

“Then don’t.” Kylo replied, firmly in warning.

Luke sighed, “You probably will have to tell her all about what happened one day. You might as well have something planned that you can run by me.”

Kylo looked at the door to the change room. He’d do his best to avoid doing that. The past was the past, like he said. He had built a steel box in his head and put past aches and pains—most of them connected to the man standing next to him—into it. Parts also came from his father and, later, some of Snoke’s earliest cruelties. His sudden relaxation about new training had made him lose that edge somewhat. He took a long drink of water and eyed Luke.

“Do you think that you still have that power over me?” He glared. “I was a child. I put who I was behind me a long time ago. Whatever happens with Rey, she doesn’t need to know.” His mouth snapped shut before he could slip up and say that she had enough to deal with.

“Look, Ben, we’re working together for a common goal,” Luke’s eyes firmed. “If she hadn’t pulled me into this, I really wouldn’t have cared about what happened to you and your career. But Rey…she deserves a second chance. You don’t have to give me one to get her to where she wants to be.”

Kylo didn’t reply. The buzz from exercising was slowly leaving his body. He managed to straighten his back and give look a long and threatening look.

“I still don’t know her.” He said, quietly.

“Maybe you should try.” Luke replied.

Rey opened the door to the change room after a few awkward minutes, looking pink cheeked and newly changed. She smiled lightly at them but only Luke returned the look with a soft smirk. Kylo only managed to stalk by her into the room before the door closed.

He felt his anger rising at the entire situation again. He shouldn’t need to depend on a partner—especially one who was apparently special and fragile and whatever Luke had meant. He yanked off his clothes and ran an overly warm shower, finally mastering the Korean showerhead after swearing at it for a minute. Today had been different, until then. It was the first time in recent memory that he had not felt tense or angry at nearly every point of the day. Sure, his mind often wandered during other days but most things made him feel annoyed or displeased. His skating brought him some joy but, since he had been taken out of competition, that had been taken away from him. He needed to do this on his own. Who cared what Rey needed or deserved? He had to work for what _he_ deserved.

When he looked at himself in the mirror, combing his hair in rough tugs, he tried to be satisfied with the serious young man who stared back at him. Was that the face that could make Rey smile and laugh?

One hand struck out and connected with the wall beside the mirror as he tried to banish the soft memory of her gentle giggle and the way their hands felt together.

He had to control this.


	8. 2017 World Figure Skating Championships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Finn are reunited at his press conference and Rey slowly realizes she misses her rude partner, who's half a world away. See Chapter Notes at the end for warnings!

**Late March — World Figure Skating Championships, Helsinki, Finland**

Finn’s press conference felt like an afterthought compared to how hers and Kylo’s had went, Rey contemplated as she looked around the room. Except for a few familiar faces—Poe, of course, among them—it was toned down. It was scheduled on the first day, at the same time as a team leader’s meeting across town. Not that many other skaters were lurking around, instead focused on the all-day practice. Part of her was thankful to get it all over with without too many people she knew around her.

It was the first time in about a month she would spend more than a day separate from Kylo and Luke. It had been a lot to digest on her flight over to Europe. They had worked towards on-ice practice at this point, but still spent four out of the six days a week off the ice. Luke pressed them forward with a checklist and a countdown he forced them to pin up on their apartment doors so they would look at them every time they left the house. First, they needed the base to build on. Costumes were discussed and routines—long, short, and gala—were presented. Rey really liked the choreographer/costume designer that Luke had found, bringing another new face to the club. An older woman, Maz, reminded her of Yoda. Every time she met with her she thought about how he spoke and his odd chuckle. On her flight, she also thought of trying to contact the old man, thanking him for both her luck and, sometimes, misfortune.

Kylo was very decided about the choreography and also argued about the music. Mainly, he hated the idea of using _lyrics_ in their performance. Maz rolled her eyes and worked to subdue him. During these meetings, Luke seemed occasionally not to pay attention. He merely raised his eyebrows when questioned, would walk away, and then would occasionally remind them about their goal. There was so much to pack into a single year together that these delays or arguments made Rey start to question herself and her partner again.

After one of the early meetings, Maz finally left happily, promising to return with some final ideas in a week for their costumes and the final touches on the routines. The music was a touchy subject so it would be the last thing they would determine. They would have to get the rights’ permissions as well, so it was probably one of the last things they would decide. And still, they kept practicing.

She was slowly learning to understand Kylo’s moods. When he started to feel good or confident about anything, he would be satisfied for about a day. Then his temper would darken his attitude. He would hold her too hard or push her to a limit too rapidly. Still, she would grit her teeth and tried not to let it get to her.

But it did, eventually. And she snapped.

They were working on lifts with a throw. They needed a triple twist and a quad. There was no way they could get anywhere without having those at high degrees of difficulty. The off-ice training was still shaky with the lift but they would try the quad during occasional on-ice sessions, when Luke decided they could. There was so much teamwork involved and they were still a new team. Rey had to keep reminding herself of that. But during one session, she had to let him know what he was doing wrong.

“Look, you can’t keep lifting me that fast,” she said firmly, taking a deep breath after landing heavily into his arms and extended her leg. Gliding across the ice, she had let her frustration show. They were hardly managing a decent double, let alone a triple or a quad. It was like he didn’t realize that they both needed to work together on the lift.

“What do you mean?” They skated to a slow stop, standing in the middle of their home rink. He also still resented having to be in Hartford but it was a good club, if he’d just talk to some one rather than glaring at them in silence.

“We build the speed together,” she slowly caught her breath. “When I grab your wrists, you need to feel how we’re moving.”

“But that’s what I’m doing,” he snapped, defensively. “I’m following the timing.”

She noticed Luke tapping on his notebook from the corner of the rink. She started skating backwards and Kylo reluctantly followed her.

“I haven’t dropped you yet.”

“Well, you almost did,” she said, fiercely. “A couple of times.”

He sped up. “Let’s try it again, faster. Maybe we’re going to slow.”

He jumped to skate backwards, quickly reaching out behind her. He grabbed her hips and started to move into the lift and throw before she was ready. There was no way she could toe pick the way they were skating, it was too erratic.

“Kylo, slow down!” She yelled, resisting his arms.

“Come on!” He shouted in response, grabbing her hips nearly to what felt like the point of bruising. His hands were demanding her to move in a way she didn’t want to and it hit her deeply. Flashes of her childhood made her instantly tear up and she spun away, ripping out of his arms. He stumbled, looking at her with shocked exasperation.

She skated away, feeling tears sting her eyes. She heard him following behind her, but at least he wasn’t speaking. But he was still breathing, but it was getting louder.

“Rey?!”

“Don’t ever grab me like that!” She yelled. “That hurt!”

She turned and watched him skate to a stop beside her. His chaotic eyes froze her in place. The other skaters at various levels, only a handful thankfully, turned to look at them for a few seconds before moving forward. Part of her was glad she was still at her home club. They still respected her in some way to turn away during these blow-ups at joint practices.

He looked confused, but was still somewhat frustrated. “I just don’t understand why it isn’t working.”

She balled her fists and counted back from ten. She couldn’t tell him why she had reacted like she did. She took a shaky breath. “That’s why we are practicing. It gets better when we work together—not when you just try to throw me in the air like a ragdoll.”

“That’s not…” he paused, seemingly replaying the events in his mind again. He was calmer when he spoke again. “That’s not what I meant.”

She was still breathing heavy but tried to let her angry bleed away. “Look, whenever you start feeling frustrated…or whatever…just do like I just did. Count back from ten or five down to zero. It helps. It will help us both.”

He swallowed, then slowly agreed without a word. Luke’s whistle broke their tableau a moment later.

Rey was thinking about that moment on the ice as she sat beside Finn at his retirement press conference. Counting back from ten, she was slowly coming back to herself as she saw him shaking hands with a few other skaters. She smiled back at the ones she knew, especially the ones that she had competed against that had taken the time to show up.

If she could be honest with herself, she felt more awkward sitting next to Finn than having a shouting match with Kylo at this point.

“All right,” an ISU media rep tapped the mic. “Let’s get started. We’re here today present Finn Trooper who is here to confirm his retirement. The official announcement was released this morning so he’s here to answer a few of your questions. Finn’s former partner, Rey Niima, has joined him in support.”

“Yeah,” Finn said, leaning into his mic. “Rey, I can never apologize enough for what happened. I’m…sad to retire from skating but I’m so happy to see you continue on. But yes, I’m thankful to the ISU for giving me this platform to let you all know how I’m doing and how I’m thinking. I’ve started coaching and started writing for some magazines and online publications and got an offer to do some broadcasting. So soon, I’ll be joining all of you.”

The journalists laughed.

Rey felt like she was on display as some sort of distraction. They were supposed to feel sorry for him because she was there, she slowly realized.

There were a few questions but she didn’t really listen. She was mostly remembering what Kylo had said when she said she was going over to help her former partner.

“You’re still taking it personally,” he had sighed. She had asked if he wanted to come with her but he had shook his head. He needed to check in with his doctor in California about his knee and to get the scans transferred to their team doctor now in Hartford. He seemed also somewhat conflicted about being away from her and training, even though it was only for a few days.

He hadn’t offered to drive her to the airport, though.

But Finn had greeted her when she arrived in Finland.

Everything was so, so confusing.

She was lost in thought when she heard her name being called. A German reporter was asking her about her upcoming season. She smiled as politely as she could and said that the moment was about Finn and not her and Kylo. There weren’t many more questions for her after that and the event wrapped up quickly.

Rey had grabbed a bottle of water from the provided table as the press milled around, typing on their phones or taking notes. She noticed Finn talking to Poe Dameron— _was that man everywhere?—_ in a corner.

She sipped on her water and wandered out into the hallway. She really didn’t have any other plans while she was there. She guessed she would see some churches or whatever there was to see in Finland. Like her childhood, there were really only churches and shut down industry to see if you were on a personal budget. Her sponsors had paid for the trip but her extra expenses weren’t being covered. Not having any real victories in the last half year had left her fairly poor. She had reluctantly accepted cash from Luke when he heard she was travelling. Despite all of these stresses, right now, she really didn’t feel like spending three days talking with Finn. It was the opposite how she felt a half a year ago and that made her angry at herself.

Rey was absently checking her phone when Finn came back to her. She had been rereading the meagre texts she had got from Kylo. He had actually sent her a text a few hours after she arrived. It was a small measure that (almost) made up for not driving her to the airport. Now, the texts he had sent to her (even as a reply) were up to six.

«Be careful. We have work to do»

She was reading the text when Finn came up to her. “Rey, thanks for all this. I…can we head somewhere to talk? We didn’t get a chance earlier.”

Rey clicked off her phone and tucked it into her Whalers hoodie. “Yeah, sure. I don’t really have any plans.”

He looked at her with a stiff smile and thanked her again for coming. They left the arena area and she pulled up her hood. Finland in March wasn’t really Hartford in March but it was almost April so she stubbornly considered it hoodie weather. Finn had a nicely tailored winter coat. A part of Rey wondered what Kylo would have worn.

They walked in relative silence through the light crunch of snow and ice to a nearby café. She noticed the menu was also in Russian, along with Finnish, English and Swedish and remembered how easily Kylo had spoken Russian at their press conference.

She swallowed deeply as they stood in line to order as Finn told her something about life in Florida compared to Hartford and all she could feel was the hard dread settle in her stomach. She was homesick. And she was starting to combine that feeling of home with him—with Kylo.

She must have been alone for too long.

The café was nice. It was before lunch but there was a steady group of people. It was mostly older Finnish women in stylish coats but with poorly dyed red hair. She took her usual low-fat hazelnut latte but avoided anything sweeter or more substantial. Finn had ordered a black coffee and a piece of chocolate cake. The pleasures of the newly retired; she couldn’t help but smile at that point, remembering how much he enjoyed sweeter things.

“Look, Finn,” she started. “I came here to help you but I still don’t know how…how I feel.”

“Rey, I need to be the one to say sorry again,” he watched her stirring her drink. She hadn’t really taken a taste yet. “And I’m sorry for dragging you here, apparently.”

She shrugged before taking a slow sip of her coffee. “I…really want to be friends with you. But I don’t know how.”

“And I want to work for that,” he replied, looking at her intensely. “For so much of my life, Rey, you were the best part of it. For these months, I didn’t really know who I was without you.”

Then why didn’t you call or check up on me unless it was about something you needed, Rey thought, bitterly. She slowly counted back from five instead of ten before replying. She was about to blame herself before remembering how often she had texted Finn and tried to call him. _This wasn’t her fault_ , she could almost hear Kylo’s voice in her head.

“Finn,” she said before pausing to drink from her cooling drink in her mug. “I don’t know about this…right now.”

He blinked rapidly. “What do you mean?”

“I think that I need to focus on Kylo right now,” she glanced up at him and then down again. “He can be a real…”

“Asshole. Yeah, I know. You said.”

Rey almost glared at him but stopped herself, blinking away the look. “But you’re in Florida now. Maybe we can just…text and call. I promise I want to be better friends with you. I just don’t know how with all of the training.”

“With Kylo.”

She actually glared this time. “Yes, with Kylo.”

He finally sighed and she felt some of the tension leave their table. “Okay, okay. I still don’t know what I am to you…”

“…I want you to be my friend,” Rey cut him off. “Outside of skating. One day.”

He blinked again and looked at her with a question in his mouth. He opened and closed it several times before finally pursing his lips and nodding. “So that’s how bad I hurt you.”

“You’ll never know how bad you hurt me.” She snapped, not caring how much her words could sting both of them.

He sat back and looked out the window. The midday in a Finnish spring looked slightly darker than a Connecticut spring but it still echoed all of their previous coffee dates, with the exception of the distance between them.

“Rey,” he reached out his hand. She slowly took it and squeezed, not wanting to let him down. “Thank you so much for today. I want to be a better friend to you again. I’m better now, really. I want you…to trust me again.”

She clasped his hand back, but not as firmly. “I’d like that.”

He nodded and they held hands for a few minutes in silence. She slowly pulled away when her phone buzzed. She couldn’t remember what time it was in Connecticut, but the text was from Kylo.

«Why did you wear that sweater to the conference. It’s awful»

She had to cover her mouth to keep from smiling.

She actually missed him. His awful attitude and his way of pressing her at every corner almost felt okay at this point. How else would she be able to work with him?

Finn watched her check her phone as he finished his drink. “Rey, look I’ll call you soon. It looks like you’re busy.”

He was already walking away before she could respond. As abrupt as their meeting, their separation was, as Yoda would say.

For just one day in her life, Rey wished it could be normal. She watched him walk away as she set her phone back in her bag. Then she remembered another person who was probably nearby. She dreaded setting her thoughts on Kylo 'I don’t text unless it suits me' Ren. She snatched up her phone and called Jessika, hoping that she would answer. After a quick conversation, and directions, she was on her way. Jessika had barely qualified but there she was, jogging into the café twenty minutes later, proudly wearing her team USA sweater. They hugged and it was just what Rey needed.

The rest of the afternoon was spent talking about skating, more skating, and when they left and finally reached Rey’s hotel, it finally turned to Rey and the men in her life. Jessika had nodded, and sighed. It was still early in the afternoon but Rey felt exhausted anyways.

“We skate at the same club, Rey,” she said. “We talk but not like before. But Kylo doesn’t talk to anyone.”

“I’m working on that,” Rey replied with a small smile. “Both parts of it.”

Jessika nodded, absently stretching her leg. “Look, I still have a couple more hours of practice ice. We _need_ to talk more, especially about today and about the club. How long are you here?”

“I leave in the afternoon on Saturday,” Rey answered.

Jessika smiled, extending her hand to grab her friend’s. “Come watch me skate. Please? Come be my friend. We’ll go get some drinks before you go, when I’m done.”

“I promise.” Rey answered.

And that was how Rey found herself at a Helsinki nightclub around midnight after Jessika finished fourteenth overall a few nights later. The last few days had been spent in relative isolation, aside from watching the skating, but she had been there for her friend when she needed to be, even though she would rather be alone. The performance was over, but Rey had felt increasingly exhausted the entire time she was there. Her flight would be in the afternoon so she let herself indulge to dull some of the ache from the trip. She saw Finn at the hotel a few times and they would exchange waves but it wasn’t much more. He had agreed to take her to the airport and she hadn’t refused. The skating was good but, at the same time, made her frustrated that she wasn’t there with Kylo.

And that part was what made her the most aggravated.

He was infuriating, but she wanted him to be there.

Jessika was happily drunk and Rey was on her way to matching her, both of them ignoring the men trying to dance against them. It was a dance club, but it was a more European feeling compared to the American atmosphere they were used to. The groping was dialled down by a fraction but it was very hard to move and feel free. They spoke in all languages and Rey again missed Kylo’s hidden abilities.

“I need another drink,” Rey shouted over the music. Jessika nodded and she took her hand they found a path to the bar.

There, they bumped shoulders with—surprise, surprise—Poe.

Instantly, he pulled Jessika into a long hug. He reached out for Rey and, despite her drunk state, she resisted and only nodded. He still forced her into a hug anyway and apologized for something he said a month ago. They grabbed some simple vodka tonics and he motioned them up the stairs and outside to a smoking area on the roof. Poe pulled out a package of cigarettes and offered it to them both. Jessika took one and Rey reluctantly followed. She still felt jetlegged and exhausted and remembered that tobacco could get her through to tomorrow…or that afternoon rather. It was one of those old dancer tricks that she tried to resist.

Sharing drinks and cigarettes in a Helsinki night, Poe laughed.

“Rey, what the fuck are you doing?”

“What do you mean?” She asked, leaning against a guardrail. His hand reached out to brush against her hip and she stepped away. Jessika laughed and took another cigarette from the package in his shirt pocket.

Poe started gesturing with his hands, pulling away dramatically, drunker than she was. “I’m on this story, okay, and it makes no sense. Why would Kylo Ren leave singles. Why would Finn just up and retire. What are you doing.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “We think that…”

“So there’s a we now?” Suddenly he sounded serious, dropping into his reporter voice.

Jessika shoved him, hard. “Off the fucking record, God.”

He held his side in mock pain and chuckled. “Sorry, take it back.”

“We’re training together. He can be…difficult…but it’s fine.”

Poe took a long drag on his cigarette. “You may be drunk, but that doesn’t sound all that certain.”

“I’m not drunk,” she replied, lying. “And we’re getting better. We’ve actually picked routines and we’re going to compete. We’re both determined. That’s something you can tweet.”

“Don’t tweet when you’re drunk,” he pointed his cigarette at her. “But I might do it anyway.”

Jessika laughed again as Rey rolled her eyes at the lie. “See, he’s not so bad?”

Rey shrugged, starting to feel cold. At this point, she wanted to pull away from them both and go home—not just to her hotel but also back to Hartford. The music was starting to hurt her head and she never really partied all that much. She noticed how Jessika and Poe were laughing at something she’d missed.

“Jess, I’m going to go. We’ll talk back home,” she said. Jessika turned and started to protest but Rey slipped away and back into the club so she could find the proper exit and grab her stuff at the coat check. She found the counter downstairs and traded in her token for her stuff and stumbled out into the pitch darkness.

She saw her breath hang in the air and looked up at the muted sky above Helsinki, still hearing the music beating in her chest. She wrapped her coat around herself and started the trudge back to her hotel, silently counting all of her items in her bag as she walked. Phone, compact, wallet. Everything was there.

She was nearly halfway to her hotel when she felt her phone start to buzz. It wasn’t just a text, but some one was calling.

“Hello?”

“You’re drunk.” Kylo’s rich voice echoed in her ear.

“Why are you calling me?” She didn’t know what else to say. “It’s the middle of the night…“

“I am in California,” was his answer. There was a long pause, like he was almost regretting calling her. “Are you okay?”

He sounded actually sincere and Rey smiled. “Yeah, I’m just walking home. If you’re not busy…” she eyed the other people walking around her and realized that she didn’t actually know how well she could trust where she was. “…Can you talk me home?”

Kylo’s chuckle was low and almost annoyed, “Finland can’t be that intimidating.”

“It is at night,” she said. “What are you doing.”

“Sitting in the waiting room. I saw some incoherent tweet from Dameron and needed to…I guess I needed to…” he trailed off.

“Talk to me?” Rey put in. “It’s okay.”

“Okay?”

She smiled, feeling more daring from the alcohol. “I miss you too.”

She heard his displeased sigh before he answered. She was closer to her hotel now and was starting to feel safer. She didn’t know if it was because of how close she was to her hotel or from the sound of his voice. It was, she reasoned, mostly from being close to her room rather than the latter.

He cleared his throat. “Are you sure you are okay?”

She saw her hotel entrance quickly coming up and nodded, as if he was there. “Yes, Kylo, I’m fine. I never thought you’d be like this.”

“Get back to the hotel and drink some water,” he replied. “I never should have let you go alone.”

She rolled her eyes. “You sound jealous.”

He was quiet for a few seconds. “You still sound drunk.”

“But you’re still talking to me.”

It took Kylo another second to answer. “Are you almost back?”

Rey could see her hotel up ahead, a few short blocks away. “Yes, and…”

“Well, good night then.”

The sound of the disconnection tone hummed in her ear before a steady beeping replaced it. She shoved her phone into her bag as she finished her walk home. Rey was almost certain that she could let the conversation melt away as an excuse for her being drunk. But by the time she reached her room and started to down a large bottle of water she had set in the minifridge earlier, she was beginning to let the words of the entire events of the last few days start to get to her.

Finn had been strange. Jessika had been kind. Poe had been difficult. Kylo had just been…Kylo.

Moving to the washroom, she washed her face and saw her image swaying as she did so. She brushed her teeth and felt her body start to feel even more unsteady. She was drunk but also not that drunk, she decided. She felt happy, she determined, or else everything would be too much. The flight tomorrow (or later today, whatever) would come hard and fast but she still had to have her wits, at least for now.

Rey refilled her bottle of water and moved to gaze at her small bed. She had stripped down to her bra and panties but still felt warm. Her choice of clothing didn’t make sense, given the cool weather but she didn’t care.

Kylo’s voice still echoed in her ears, _Are you sure you are okay?_

He’d shown flashes of kindness before but this felt different for some reason. She almost didn’t care that it basically amounted to him stalking her online right now. The drinks she had had earlier that night were pushing aside logic. She imagined him sitting in some random doctor’s office, scrolling through his phone and instantly getting enraged at whatever Poe had to say. A part of her remembered the picture Jessika and her had taken together earlier in the night. Maybe he was looking at that too, if he cared enough to remember who her friends were.

Surprisingly, her lower parts started feel tight, spreading warmth up her belly. She felt herself starting to get wet at the idea of him thinking about her. He was mad enough to call her. He, in some strange way, cared about her. Did he want her too? How would he touch her? Would his hands be gentle, like when he wanted to focus on her? Or would they be hard, like when he only cared about himself? Imagining both sensations made her body ache for him.

Biting her lip, she dipped her hand below the band of her underwear, remembering both his kindness and the harshness. Their bodies had been so close the last few weeks that their more sensitive areas had brushed together more than once. Tight training pants for the both of them were not forgiving. Occasionally, his hands would miss where they needed to be or she would grip his thigh for too long. Now, in her drunken state of aloneness, she wanted more than that hint of sensation grazing against her in controlled training. There had to be something else she could do. His body was strong and she was starting to know it but not in the ways she needed right now. She thought about how he looked instead. The way his hair fell around his face when he was focused and the change in it when he was relaxed made her sigh, touching herself lightly. The way his eyes seemed to only centre on her when they were in a crowd. She licked her lips again and considered what those eyes meant while she touched herself, brushing up and down the area around her opening. It had been a while since she’d been this wet, she distantly thought.

She briskly brushed up her own body with a single finger, finding her clit. Rubbing against it slowly in small circles, she thought about how he would touch and handle her most delicate parts. Bucking her hips slowly, she imagined his soft lips brushing against the start of her wetness, kissing downwards and slowly swirling his tongue against her clit. He would spread her thighs and both hands would find her opening. Her hands followed the path of her imagination, tracing where she fantasized his mouth and hands would trail before returning to her clit.

Moaning, she rolled over, thrusting into her hand. In her mind, she drunkenly thought about grinding against his face, with his hands gripping her thighs to bring her closer. Her fingers couldn’t move fast enough to match her imagination. What would he feel like inside her? She whimpered lowly at the thought.

Her abdomen tightened and she was so close but she lingered on the thought of him inside of her.

Like a sudden surge of darkness, she clicked out of the feeling. She abruptly remembered how many times he had turned away from her. How many times he had pushed her too hard or nearly hurt her. Dropping her in Korea rose up in her memory. But then, she remembered how he could be so thoughtful and looked at her with rare kindness that it made her heart ache.

She started to cry as her closeness faded. She let her hand fall aside and let herself weep. The room was too quiet and smelled vaguely like her sweat. What was she doing? Looking up at the ceiling, she felt the tears fall down he cheeks. Nothing made sense.

She’d come to Finland for Finn and nothing went right there. He seemed to want both to forget what happened and the aftermath, but also clung to it. She had tried to make friends again with Jessika but she had just messed it up, apparently. She had her own life and competitions. Poe had maybe tried to hit on her but she felt like he had his own world to deal with; he was on the other side of their world. Then Kylo had spoken with her and she felt safe but also turned on like nothing else. He didn’t even realize what he was doing either, she assumed.

Leaving her bed she stumbled to the washroom and drank more water. She slowly looked up and met her own eyes in the mirror. She looked drunk and guilty; she couldn’t trust her own thoughts.

It shouldn’t feel so wrong to be attracted to one’s partner, she thought, trying to force herself calm down. As she fell asleep, she only hoped that she would instantly wake up at home without having to deal with the journey before her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Descriptions of alcohol and tobacco consumption, as well as descriptions of a sexual act (masturbation).


	9. 2017 West Hartford Figure Skating Show, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo prepare to skate together for the first time in front of people. She's nervous and he's and ass.

**Mid May —West Hartford Figure Skating Show, Hartford, Conn.**

It was their first official public performance and Rey couldn’t control her nerves. Most of the other skaters were her friends from their own club, but there were some from out of town. Kylo had made sure to avoid many of the people from their club so she also started to feel awkward around them, but that was mostly his fault. The crowd would be relatively large but it wasn’t exactly a sell out. She had skated with Finn the year before and it had been mostly fun for the late afternoon or evening. This time the approaching evening felt overwhelmingly awkward and the days before the show had dragged. Thankfully, the only media there would be local. But she knew that there would always be someone watching out over them—even if it was mostly Poe. But his feelings had started to spread to others. 

They had met at Luke’s rental apartment the night before the show. The level of feeling awkward couldn't really be explained. Maz was fussing with their costumes and Kylo was brooding in the corner. Luke was rereading his notes from the red book. The only person that seemed to be focused was Maz and she kept correcting Luke on some of his comments about their routine. But she was still insisting that she could never come with them out of town because of her dress business. It seemed like everyone had their own way of dealing with their nerves.

“I still want to change the music,” Kylo said, again. “People will think that I like Ed Sheeran.”

They’d picked a Puccini composition for their short program, but she had helped Maz try to convince the two men that a mix of Ed Sheeran’s _Shape of You_ and _Thinking Out Loud_ would be perfect for their long program. They were always being discussed on the figure skating forums and on Twitter and Reddit—picking these songs to parallel their routine would make them more popular. It was an intimate routine that forced them to be very close. He needed to turn and lift her in the air and she needed to find new ways to hold onto him. They were a new team who was still struggling with some of the jumps and needed more popular music. They had gotten the rights to the songs before it was too late to back out of it. Kylo only rolled his eyes when he heard about it. He was more focused on working through the quad throw, but still had an opinion.

“You’ll see how the crowd will react,” Maz turned and gave him a firm look, patting his leg. She adjusted her glasses and nodded to herself. “He’s a very popular singer. Girls love him.”

“People go to the arena to watch skating, not for a rock concert,” he sat up a little straighter and met her gaze.

“At least it wasn’t a Moulin Rouge medley,” Luke mumbled. “How many times are we going to hear _that_ this season?”

Their gala music was from Phantom of the Opera and that was just as clichéd as Moulin Rouge, so she didn’t understand his need to be bitter about the music that other skaters used. It all felt so mundane but also new at the same time. Rey had never felt so curious but also frustrated before about her programs and the people involved in planning them.

As a team, they were getting better on the ice. The triple twist was still shaky but was improving. Their quad was the same but they had hope there for their scores. Their triple combinations were something she was very proud of. It was challenging to land the three triple jumps in a row but it was coming together. He could jump and she was determined to not let him down. She could spin, high and tight, and he would always look at her with amazement when something went right. He would put all of his strength into the throws and lifts and it made her excited to see him exert himself for both of their sakes. When he wasn’t angry at some mistake in timing, they were finding their tempo. Off the ice, however, was another story.

After she returned home from Finland, she had tried to put distance between them. He didn’t seem to really care either way. She took the bus to practice everyday at the annoyingly early hour and tried to avoid thinking about the size of his hands when he held her. They would still argue, often to the point of shouting, but there were also small smiles and there was occasional laughter. There were many long training days, choreography reviews and corrections, and shared meals. She needed to break away to her own apartment from time to time to avoid feeling like she had when she was in Europe. She’d met Jessika for coffee a few times and their friendship felt fine, even after everything. She was out of town more often due to competitions, but it was nice to connect. Rey had spent several late evenings with Maz and was really starting to depend on the older woman. She would occasionally reference something that Luke had done when he was skating so she imagined that the two coaches had had a long history together. She was such a staple at the club now that it felt strange to imagine a world without her. Luke would occasionally invite her over for dinner or to go out. She would accept but realized quickly that he wasn’t much of a talker.

But she still didn’t know what to do with her partner.

Luke had suggested that they test out running together; something about learning how to match their breathing. Fine, whatever. They eventually agreed to meet, after arguing about the time, place, and for how long, and that’s how she got to see his apartment for the first time. Compared to her rental, his place was upscale and looked very expensive. Combined with his car, Rey realized that he really did have bigger sponsors than her. It was either that or he had a hidden fortune somewhere. It was the same for Luke—money was never a problem. They had become a team too quickly to have many shared sponsors, but they were there.

One morning, before their run, Kylo had been filling a water bottle while she had lurked in his kitchen. Everything was shining stainless steel. She stretched her leg as she gave herself a tour. He hadn’t bothered to offer. It was an open concept apartment so the only areas that were separate were the washroom and his bedroom. The door was closed so she couldn’t snoop there. The only thing that stood out amongst his possessions was a guitar, stooped up in the corner of the living area.

She was studying it when he walked over. “I play the piano too.”

“How did you have time to learn all of this?” She asked. “You play instruments and speak Russian…”

“…and French. And some German.”

“See? Exactly what I was saying. Where did you find the time?”

He shrugged. “If there’s something that I want, I won’t stop until I get it.”

She shivered at the determination in his voice. While he would fight her from time to time, he really did want them to push forward and succeed. Their combined stubbornness made being partners both beneficial and infuriating at times.

That was how they started running together every other morning. He would occasionally complain about his knee and they would slow down. She hadn’t had a single headache or anything related to her concussion in weeks. She had no problem slowing down for him, even though he hated to admit it.

“Maybe I should start driving you to the arena,” he said suddenly one morning.

“Why would you do that?”

He lifted his shoulders. “It would save time.”

And with that, he started coming by her place to take her to practice. He would come into her apartment and judge her décor, remarking that she needed to find some place more secure to live. The distance that she had wanted to put between them just couldn’t be sustained.

And now, sitting at Luke’s kitchen table, she wondered how they would work on the ice the next day. Their routines were far from perfect and polished but they could put on a decent and half-improvised gala show for their local fans at least. It was frustrating that the season felt both too close and too far away.

Kylo sighed, stood and stretched. She caught a glimpse of his stomach as his t-shirt rose with his arms and she quickly looked away, feeling herself starting to blush.

“Are we done?” He asked, moving to stand beside her at the table.

Luke waved his hand lazily. “As done as we can be. Maz and I need to talk about some other things, but you two can go home and rest.”

He nodded. “Rey, let’s go.”

She said goodnight to Luke and Maz and followed Kylo down to his car. It wasn’t an overly fancy car, but it seemed to suit him. It was still more expensive than she was used to and relatively new. A month ago he finally got Connecticut plates but part of her wondered if he secretly missed having the flashy California plates still adorning his vehicle. She accepted the ride home without really thinking about it.

She was checking her phone when she saw something that made her laugh on her Instagram feed. He looked over with something that could be called curiosity.

“It’s just a stupid meme,” she answered. She showed him while they were stopped at a red light. “It’s from Love, Actually. Some one put the lyrics from Closer on it…”

He blinked, instantly. “I don’t get it.”

She shook her head. “That’s why I thought about not showing you. You don’t have a sense of humor.”

“If you think Love, Actually is a good movie, then you don’t have any taste,” he seemed to be teasing her.

“Of course you would hate that movie,” she shook her head. “Is there anything you actually like.”

It wasn’t really a question, but it was more of a statement. Rey realized that she was falling into the same situation again, wanting to bring him closer but also wanting to push him away. But she had to be herself and she was the type of person that needed to be close to others. Part of her loneliness as a child made her reach out for any sort of connection. Despite everything, she wanted to give him a chance. He could be unpredictable and that made her worry about her feelings quite often.

“I like music,” he replied, as the car turned towards her street. “That’s why I hate the songs that you’ve chosen. When we skate to it with a crowd, you better be right about their reaction because it’s killing me.”

She laughed. “You need to listen to something more varied. There are worse things than Ed Sheeran. We have some time tonight. Come up and I’ll play some things for you and maybe you can educate me on music.”

To her surprise, he agreed. “I should have brought my guitar.”

“Educate, not torture.”

Inside her apartment, she suddenly felt the camaraderie start to falter but pushed forward. She set up Spotify on her television in the living room and put some tea to cook. She was in the kitchen and he moved around her apartment, looking at her possessions. He paused around her medal display, nodding and mumbling something to himself. He eventually sat down on her well-worn sofa, across from an equally worn love seat, and stretched out. It was like he tried to take up as much space as possible when he was pleased with something, but that could shift at any second. There were also times when it looked like he was trying to disappear.

He was looking at his phone when she came into the living room. “What’s your wifi password?”

She paused at the question. It was something so personal but at the same time so trivial.

“Give me your phone, I’ll fix it.”

Her hand brushed his hand when she took his phone. She had never really felt like this before, she thought as she typed in her code.

“Now you can play whatever you want,” she said. “As long as it’s not that pretentious.”

He rolled his eyes, almost trying to challenge her. He sat up and gazed into the kitchen. “Do you have anything stronger than tea.”

“You’re driving.”

“It’s free parking here. I can walk home.”

It was her turn to look at him with confusion. It was a good half an hour walk hom. “Kylo, we’re skating tomorrow.”

He shrugged. “Just a little.”

His eyes were intense and she felt fixated by them. Giving up, she moved to her freezer. “Fine, I have this bottle of rum that Finn forgot here two years ago. I don’t really have any mix except for flat diet Sprite.”

He quirked an eyebrow. She felt embarrassed then at her lack of alcohol, but was also questioning why he needed to drink right there. 

“Really, I don’t drink that often. It’s either that or a bottle of red wine from last Christmas,” she narrowed her eyes. “It wasn’t my idea that we needed a drink.”

“Red wine then,” he said, with a wave of his hand. “And then come here and listen to this. I can’t believe you’ve been skating this long without knowing anything about music.”

She opened her pantry and grabbed the bottle. She was actually surprised that she had glasses—one was chipped but she kept it for herself. He was so competitive and yet seemed not to care that tomorrow was so important. They needed to be ready for crowds and this was the smallest one that they would face. Maybe it was his way of relaxing, she started to think. She decided that he needed some way of removing him from his thoughts.

“Just promise me that you won’t drive,” she said, setting the glass in front of him. She quickly followed up by saying, “But you can’t stay here.”

He grabbed the glass of wine and took a long sip, eyeing her. “Are you worried about tomorrow?”

She took her own glass, although with a quarter as much wine as he received. She remembered getting drunk in Finland and realized that it wasn’t a good idea to drink more before tomorrow, especially around him. His confidence was too much.

He sighed. “I don’t like the fact that we are doing our gala. I wish we could have done our long program. It would be nice to show off.”

She grabbed her phone and put on Ed Sheeran after he spoke. The Spotify playlist started to stream from her phone and she smiled at the music and Kylo scowled. How could someone who was also attractive in a different way dislike an artist in the same situation (or likewise)? She hated her teeth but knew that they weren't that bad. He almost looked perfect to her at this point, having been around him for so long. His ears may have stuck out from time to time but it was something that just made him more charming. In the dull light, she stood in thought and he eyed her as their other music started to play. “So…you would rather perform to this.”

He downed his glass and she quickly filled it again. “Do you actually care what I like?”

Shrugging, she put the bottle aside and sipped on her tea, ignoring her wine glass. She determined that she would have to drive him home and was trying to figure out how to talk him into it. 

“It really is less awful than the other songs,” he said. “Take a drink.”

She rolled her eyes. “I have to drive you home, so no.”

“Hmm.” He stretched out again. “Then give me another glass.”

Rey stood there, trapped between him and her room. She sighed, grabbed the bottle and poured him another glass. He wasn’t actively being unpleasant but he still wasn’t being completely agreeable. It actually felt like he didn't know what he wanted and that had put her in the middle. She grabbed her phone and played Dancing Queen and other ABBA songs but didn’t sing along, only tapping her foot to the music. In the lingering light, she could see him narrow his eyes but that he was also smiling.

“Take a glass, if you are going to play...this,” he said. “I can stay on the couch.”

She sighed. “Do…do you think I can skate tomorrow if I have a glass?”

He looked at her and nodded. “You can do anything you want.”

Reluctantly, she poured herself a glass of wine. The music kept going, repeating some playlist she created a year ago. He nudged her arm when he saw the bottle. She filled his glass with a sigh. The night couldn’t be over soon enough. She had eventually decided when she had had enough, although they had exchanged small smiles and touches as she they kept drinking through the night. He was an awful influence. 

By the time the next morning had arrived, and she had happily moved into her room after a few glasses of wine, and slept through the night. It felt like walking back in to meet him in Korea, sitting on her bed, watching him sleep. He had slept on her couch, under a light blanket. She put on the coffee and studied him from the kitchen. Why was she attracted to him? Was she even? He looked younger when he slept, like he was finally not overthinking everything. Surprisingly, he slept in his clothes. For someone so worried about his appearance, she was surprised to see him doing something so casual. Sighing, she gathered up the wine glasses from yesterday and washed them as she waited for him to wake up. She wasn’t hungover, which felt like a miracle. The gala would start in the late afternoon and stretch over the evening. They would perform their gala show, but also have to be around the other skaters from time to time. She looked forward to seeing the others skate, but was still slightly nervous about their performance.

He slowly blinked awake and sat up to look at her. “Your couch is very uncomfortable.”

“It’s not really built for people over six feet to sleep on,” she shrugged. “Do you want coffee?”

He nodded. She didn’t really expect him to thank her for the wine and letting him stay over, so she let go of the thought. He ran a hand through his hair and slowly began to wake up more.

“What happened to your parents?” He asked suddenly. She was standing in the kitchen and nearly dropped the mugs that she was holding. Where was this question coming from? After handing him his coffee, she shook her head. He must have noticed the picture of her as a child with another group of skaters hanging on the wall, alongside some childhood medal she had been awarded. The other children had parents standing behind them and she was alone. 

“I don’t really know. I don’t really remember a lot about them,” she shrugged a little, sitting next to him on the couch. “They left me, and that's the most I feel when I think about them. I missed them a lot when I was younger, I think. But I still don't know who they are. Most of the time, I wish that I had had someone. Some of the places I lived…they weren’t really the nicest. There were also bigger or at least angrier kids at these homes. I’ve had both adults and kids smack me around. It was only when I found the rink that I was able to feel like I was worth more than nothing.”

He sipped his coffee and she thought about asking him the same question. He never talked about his past, aside from previous competitions. Did he have a family? Did he have a girlfriend back in California? What was he really doing in Russia?

“Why did you switch coaches?” She asked, finally finding something that was both personal but also related to their careers. She needed to learn more about this Snoke that he would mention in passing.

“My hand was forced,” he replied, looking distant. “Snoke told me to make a choice and I had to think quickly. I knew Luke...in one way or another, so I contacted him. He had a career once. I always thought that he had tried to find you so it surprised me that it was you who found his number.”

“Did you ever know coach Yoda? He gave me Luke’s number. I think I mentioned that before,” she answered.

He raised an eyebrow at the name. “He’s a very strange man. Snoke hated him. He’s always be shuffling around some competition without having a skater there. He's...just strange. He makes sense when he speaks Russian but his English...God...”

“I didn’t think he was that bad.”

“You won’t believe me, but I saw him land a triple axel one time,” he said. “He’s been ancient forever so it was out of nowhere that he could still skate like that.”

She nodded. She was quiet for a few minutes before she decided that the tone could change. “I still can’t believe that this team works.”

He rolled his eyes. “We’ll see how it goes tonight, whether or not all of this was worth it.”

“What do you mean all of this?”

He finished his coffee and stood and stretched, slowly rolling his shoulders. “No one at the club likes me. I don’t really care because I only joined the club because Luke told me to. Hartford is a shithole. I grew up near here so I don’t like having my parents this close again.”

She stood up too. It felt odd to be in her pajamas while he was dressed in yesterday’s clothes. Self-consciously, she played with the hem of her sleeve.

“I think it will be nice to perform again,” she said. “It feels like a lifetime ago that I skated in front of a crowd.”

“I can’t wait until we can actually compete again, not just some gala show,” he wandered over to her door to double check the checklist. Everything was sketched out. Some events they would have to earn but the invitational events would be easy to secure. “What time do you want me to pick you up?”

“We should get there for 1 p.m. so anytime around noon is fine,” she replied.

“Okay.”

He didn’t say anything else and left her apartment with a quick nod. She moved to lock her door, also quickly glancing at their planned checklist. There was so much left to work on and she was still nervous about every step. One injury would ruin all of this hard work for the both of them. They weren’t a perfect team but she was slowly learning how not to enrage him at every turn. Last night showed that they could at least get along for an evening. It still bothered her that she was attracted to him. She had to work on that. He had much more to work on but he seemed more anxious to start competing than he was to be around her. It was a start, at least.

 

 

 


	10. 2017 West Hartford Figure Skating Show, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their skate, Kylo tries to figure out how he feels. Then, Rey learns about why Luke and Kylo are always at odds. She gets revenge for him staying on her couch by spending the night on his.

 

It wasn’t the best performance of his life but it still felt oddly satisfying, Kylo Ren thought as he leaned against the wall of the conference-room-turned-party location. He watched Rey and some of the other skaters laugh across the room, near the table of drinks. There was a party for the skaters and coaches (only those who were under 60 years old, he assumed after he scanned the room) after the official club dinner had ended. It had been catered in the empty curling hall—who could take curling seriously—so they moved easily to the now darkened and music-filled room. The younger kids had gone home and now it was just the older crowd, drinking and listening to music and occasionally dancing on a makeshift dance floor. It was a way to end the season on a good note, at least for those that felt like socializing.

He meant what he said when he told her that he didn’t care what the others thought about him. He was left mostly alone, watching the others or checking his phone. He was drinking but not at an excessive pace yet. He knew that he intimidated many of the male skaters and he preferred it that way. Rey, for some reason, had to be liked.

She was talking to a dark-haired woman that he should probably know better by now. Her and Rey seemed to spend quite a bit of time together both off an on the ice. The had given an impromptu performance that afternoon, quickly throwing together a fake pairs routine. He had also seen them talking earlier in the afternoon and now they seemed to be having a fairly intense conversation. Rey was gesturing with her hands and laughing. It looked like she was recreating part of their routine.

He took a long drink from his cup. Christ, he was bored. Getting drunk would solve part of that but not really help the bigger problem at hand.

Before their performance today, they had argued. The other skaters, including two wide-eyed juniors, pretended not to watch their bickering in the hallway outside the change room. Right now, he couldn’t even remember what it had been about but she really got under his skin about something. It felt pleasing to know that they could skate a fairly clean and good routine after an argument, fake smiles on their faces when they bowed. She’d hugged him at the end and reminded him that he wasn’t quite forgiven yet for whatever he had done that morning. She looked at him seriously, but he could also feel that she was slightly joking.

He was relaxing around her and that wasn’t exactly good. Last night, he thought he would tease Rey by inviting himself over. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Spending time together was getting easier, but it wasn’t always simple in so many ways. He reflected again about a thought that had returned to him constantly; there was something about her that made him almost want to try to be happy.

Sweeping his eyes around the room, he noticed a fairly young female skater clearly flirting with one of the male ice dancers. She couldn’t be twenty-one, he thought to himself, but that wasn’t his problem. Her blonde hair settled just at her shoulders and her dress was slightly too low cut. He remembered how she was quite mediocre and had nearly wiped out on a double lutz earlier that day. Now, she was laughing and touching the man’s arm. She noticed Kylo’s eyes on her and waved at him lightly. He returned the gesture with a nod.

It was strange to be at a club where everyone wasn’t stressed or on edge constantly; all he could remember was being pressed by Snoke and his gang of no-nonsense, brutal Eastern European trainers. Kylo shuddered as he recalled the gruelling hours spent training with him, being denied breaks and a social life. Mandatory Russian lessons had been pounded into his head. In the beginning, it all felt like the perfect solution to his guilt and anger. He needed the punishment. But after a while, it started to feel like he had made a mistake. But then he gradually became numb to it all. Emotions were something that could be pushed away. Everything could be shut out eventually. Being struck when he messed up a jump. Being struck harder when he forgot a bit of choreography. He eventually learnt how not to get hit but he could still feel the ghosts of the bruises. But it had got him a championship win and had made him a better skater. It had been worth it, right?

He thought about his other former club, the one before Snoke, that he had been at before the accident when he was fourteen. He had only been a child but the feeling there reminded him a little of this place. He was more talented than everyone there too but they seemed to take him and his attitude in stride. His father had always been away and his mother too. He wanted to rebel, even before it all came crashing down. After he had recovered, he left for Snoke and California without saying goodbye. The old man had tracked him down at the hospital in New York and said it was an opportunity to truly be good at this sport. It made his stomach knot, remembering how he thought even then that it was insanely creepy that some former Soviet skating coach had arrived unannounced to his hospital door and made him an offer to move out of state.

But he accepted. Filled with grief and rage, he left without even telling his parents when he got home. He couldn’t deal with the guilt of what had happened in the accident. Part of him fiercely blamed Luke but he knew deep down that he also blamed himself. Running away felt like the best way to not have to deal with painful memories.

He was still thinking about his time with Snoke when Rey came over and shook his arm.

“Why do you always look so serious?” She smiled at him. “Come on, it’s a party. Maybe talk to some people.”

“They can talk to me if they want to,” he shrugged. “I was just thinking about California.”

He surprised himself with his admission. Did he want to have this conversation with her?

“What about it?”

He felt a knot in his stomach. It was too soon, he decided, and tried to divert the topic. “I miss the weather.”

She blinked at him, looking a little confused at his tone, and then took a sip of her drink. He’d seen her only have a small amount of alcohol over the night. This time it was only cranberry juice. He had watched her pour it. 

“Yeah, it’s a little different here,” she finally said. “What did you think about today?”

He rolled his eyes. “The speakers here are garbage. Everything sounded awful. Some of the skaters need better coaches because, honestly, what a bunch of amateurs.”

She batted his arm. “Can’t you say one positive thing?”

“The crowd liked us,” he replied, listening to her command.

“That was the best part!” She beamed. “It felt so good to be on the ice again, skating to the music and hearing my name being called. It really did feel like a new start, like everything that’s happened is leading somewhere good.”

She was so beautiful, he suddenly thought. Her face showed how happy she was with the event and even with him. She was beautiful and standing there, talking to him like a person. He suddenly needed to get out of there.

He finished his drink in a quick gulp. Rey looked perplexed when he said he was leaving.

“Kylo, what’s wrong?” She asked, following him out into the hall.

Why was she following him, he thought angrily. He wanted her to go back to her friends and leave him alone.

“I’m going,” he said, shortly. "Like I said."

She still shadowed him, jogging down the stairs.

“Come on, I’ll leave with you. We can split a cab," she called.

He wanted to stop her, but the skating and the alcohol had softened part of him. He let her follow him down to the change room to grab their bags and coats. His car would be fine overnight.

They were waiting for their cab in silence outside the closed arena. It was a relatively cool evening for May but at least it wasn’t snowing.

“Would you like to stop at my place for a while?” He asked, trying to sound casual.

“Sure, I think I owe you one couch surf to pay you back for yesterday,” she said with a grin.

It was a short cab ride to his apartment. He didn’t have much time to rethink his offer but he was starting to feel conflicted about what he wanted compared to what he needed. She was humming to the radio as they drove and it was just so charming to see her happy. What was he going to do?

By the time they got to his place, it was just after 10.30 at night. There wasn’t really time for a movie or anything but he asked her anyway.

“Have you seen Shaun of the Dead?” She questioned in response. “I have always meant to watch it but never found the time.”

“Sounds like it’s time for me to see it too,” he answered.

She was fixing the movie on his Netflix while he mixed their drinks. Compared to her place, he had an almost overly stocked bar. He handed her a vodka cranberry juice when he joined her on the couch. People did this all the time; they would come over to their friend’s house and watch a movie late in the evening. They had the day off tomorrow so it felt fine to sit up a little late.

Rey sipped her drink. “This is a little strong.”

“It’s fine,” he replied, drinking his own. “You’ll get used to it.”

“Is this vodka you bought in Russia?” She asked. The movie was starting but he answered her question.

“No, but it’s basically the same here—if you’re buying decently priced stuff,” he said. “Now watch the movie.”

They watched. They drank. They would talk about certain scenes at times. He didn’t really get why the movie had been so popular, but he saw her laugh repeatedly, as well as cringe at some points. Maybe it was a British thing. He liked watching the way she was reacting to it. So, in a way, he would say he enjoyed the movie.

It felt very late by the time it ended.

“I didn’t like the ending,” she said, yawning. “Why did it have to be so unpleasant?”

He shrugged. “His friend ended up living the same life that he had alive but now as a zombie. I guess he’s commenting on something there.”

She finished her fifth drink. When she put the cup aside, and as she returned her hand to the couch, her fingers brushed his. It was the faintest of a touch but it turned him on very quickly. She was drunk, touching him, and had already promised to stay over. The pieces were there. As quick as it happened, it was over. She slowly moved her hand to stand and stretch, almost as if she hadn’t realized she’d done it.

“I need to go to sleep,” she said, seeming to ignore the incidental touch. “Do you have pillows and a blanket?”

He cleared his throat and nodded. He left her in the living room area to go to his closet to retrieve the spare linens. He couldn’t let his body react like this to her. It felt entirely unfair that she was sleeping on the couch at that point. He glanced at his bed and thought about his options, but then quickly dismissed the feeling. She wasn’t interested in him like that, he decided. Why would she be?

She had changed into the shorts and t-shirt she usually wore for yoga when he returned. He caught the hint of her nipples through the light shirt, letting him know she’d removed her bra as well.

“Thanks,” she said, taking the blanket.

He stood there looking at her, awkwardly, for a few seconds. “We’ll have to go out for breakfast, I don’t have any food.”

She nodded, sitting down on her makeshift bed. “Okay, sure.”

“Goodnight,” he finally said, turning swiftly to excuse himself to the washroom. He brushed his teeth aggressively, washed his face, and let the thoughts of the evening settle. She was just paying him back for yesterday.

He nearly ran into her when he left the washroom. She was absently brushing her teeth and looking at her phone.

She laughed, her mouth full as she brushed by him to use the sink. She rinsed her mouth before turning to smirk at him. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Have I told you how much I like your apartment?” She said, pointing at the sleek vanity in the washroom. “It’s so bright in here.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, not knowing what else to say. “Goodnight.” He nodded at her again and turned to go to his room. He closed the door and honestly thought about bashing his head against it in frustration.

He stripped down to his boxers and glared at his bed again. He thought about how it was probably going to be infuriatingly hard to fall asleep, despite all that he had drank. After switching out the lights, he laid down on top of the covers. What was he thinking? Eventually he dozed off but he heard the toilet flush in the middle of the night and it reminded him that she was still there, still sleeping on his couch and not his bed. He was so angry with himself that he thought he would never fall asleep.

 

-=- 

 

Rey traced the rim of her teacup, contemplating what to say. “Kylo and I had breakfast together this morning.”

Jessika was also nursing a large mug of tea. She had her sunglasses on but removed them then. She raised an eyebrow, questioning her. They had met for coffee around eleven in the morning. Jessika looked fairly hungover still but Rey felt okay. “Does that mean what I think it means? You guys did leave early last night…”

“Earlier than you,” Rey replied quickly. “And no, it doesn’t. We just watched a movie and had some drinks. He was still a little off but it was nice. He crashed at my place the other day too. It’s been a nice few days.”

Sighing, Jessika slumped down in her chair. “Don’t date your asshole partner, Rey.”

“We’re not dating, Jess,” Rey replied. “And he’s not that big of an asshole.”

“He hardly talked to anyone yesterday and he looked bored during all of the other routines but still expected all of us to watch you guys,” Jessika sipped her tea and grimaced. “But you guys do skate well together.”

Rey nodded. “It felt great to perform yesterday. We’re really coming along.”

“Yeah, you even got us a mention on ESPN,” she scoffed. “I’ve known Poe for years and been bugging him to say something about smaller events so that people know more than just the big games. Nothing, for years. And now suddenly, there’s a video of you guys on the SportsCenter roundup.”

Rey felt herself blush, “Kylo isn’t going to like that.”

Rolling her eyes, Jessika sat up. They had claimed the comfy chairs in the corner of the café. Jessika looked exhausted but had still come to meet Rey. It felt like a normal afternoon, but Rey was still thinking about that morning. Kylo had taken her to a small diner, around the corner from his apartment. It was around 8.30, but Rey hadn’t felt as tired or hungover as she had expected when she fell asleep the previous night. He looked like his usual serious self.

Jessika sighed again, bringing her back to the moment. “Look, things might feel nice right now but when you guys are on the road, it’s going to be stressful and lonely. It happens to everyone. Especially if you think he’s hot.”

Rey blushed again, not knowing how to answer. It felt clichéd to sleep with her partner. She didn’t want to be so typical. “I think that he’s been easier to deal with if we spend more time together. He actually smiles now and again.”

“But you guys still argue,” Jessika reminded her. “He’s never going to be easy to deal with.”

Rey shrugged her shoulders and then took a sip of tea. “It’s my life, I can handle him.”

Jessika let the subject drop and they moved on to discussing the end of her season and the start of the next one. Rey was reminded of their roadmap again. Once summer came, they would have to increase their training. Rey had to remind herself once again that Kylo wasn’t Finn and they still had so much training left to do before they were ready for competition. It felt exhausting just to think about it all. Luke had to keep pressing them forward and they had to respond in kind. The nervous energy before the gala performance had to be transformed into confidence by September.

Jessika left shortly after, saying she needed to take a nap. Rey sat in the café and scrolled through her phone, not ready to go home yet. Poe, as usual, had sent her a DM on Twitter, asking some random stuff. One question was actually interesting to her. He noticed that her birthday was next month and if he could do a longer interview with her to celebrate it. It actually sounded like a good idea.

Part of her thought about telling Kylo, but then decided that he would find out sooner or later. She replied to Poe to Skype her when he had time. After sending the message, she left the café and made her way to the bus stop. It had been a nice weekend but it would be good to get back to normal.

As she rode the bus home, she thought about what Jessika had said. Maybe she had been flirting with him yesterday and the day before, she realized. She had a flash of touching his hand and the way he had looked at her afterward. She was drunk and hadn’t really noticed until now. There had been an awkward tension near the washroom. Kylo was either impossible to read or had obvious reactions. She wanted to be his friend and was still worried about her own feelings. Would things be easier if she slept with him? Would he be less tense around her?

When she got home, she replied to a few other messages. One was from Finn and she took the time to answer him. It still hurt her how it ended, but maybe things would get better. An ISU representative, Amilyn Holdo, had emailed both her and Kylo some reminder about additional paperwork for a new team or something like that. She answered quickly, adding Luke’s email. He normally took care of all of this so it was strange that this woman would contact them.

Her intercom buzzed and she looked up from her laptop. It was Maz, dropping by for a costume fitting she had forgotten about.

When the older woman was up in her apartment, Rey could sense that there was another reason that she was there.

“Jessika told me something,” she said, adjusting a pin from one side to another. Rey was wearing a glittery, purple and green outfit with a half skirt for their short program. It was still bunching in odd places so it needed to be fixed. Their long program costumes were more subdued. Kylo insisted on black for both but her other costume was a sandy-grey colour. It suited them and represented the balance of their partnership: light and dark.

Rey awkwardly stood there in her kitchen as Maz leaned in closely with her large glasses, getting oddly close to her hip and thus her crotch.

“What’s that?”

Maz snipped a thread. “You and Kylo. Kylo and you. You know, those things.”

Rey felt herself getting annoyed. Everyone always talked to everyone. “Maz, it’s fine. Isn’t it a good idea that we are friends?”

She looked at her and gave her a kind nod. “He acts like he’s so tough. But I think that you’re getting through to him.”

Another pin was moved and another bit of thread was clipped.

“What do you know about what happened between him and Luke? They argue all the time,” Rey asked, cautiously.

Maz gave her a firm look. “He argues with everyone. But I’ve been around Luke Skywalker a long time. I know quite a bit about him and Kylo Ren. But maybe you should be asking them this. I’m not just going to give away their secrets. But I can tell you a bit, I guess. Luke used to coach Kylo not too far from here until about when Kylo was a teenager, if I remember correctly. Then, after the accident, Kylo became Kylo and went over to Snoke’s private rink in California.”

Rey was trying to make sense of what she was saying and looked at her choreographer with a frown. “What accident?”

Maz shrugged, straightening to admire her pinning work. “Luke was driving his junior skaters from an event up in New York state just after the New Year. It was Kylo and a couple of other kids. There was a storm—basically typical January weather for that part of the country.”

She paused, looking suddenly distant.

“They hit some ice and the van flipped at an intersection. Everyone thought everything was fine enough, but they were shook up. Then a semi t-boned the wreck,” she stopped again. “Luke and Kylo survived, but the other two died there. It was very, very sad. The rescue crew was slow because of the storm. Kylo seemed to blame Luke for the crash and took off to California the second he could walk again. There’s not much more to the story except that they haven’t really spoken the last decade or so.”

Rey frowned. “They’ve never said anything to me.”

“Maybe they are waiting for the right time,” the older woman made a motion with her hands after she spoke. “Now, go change. I have what I need now.”

Maz left after Rey promised not to let the both of them know that she had some ideas about what happened in the past. She thought about Kylo and realized that her ideas of him had been clearly altered by knowing about this part of his past. He’d been hurt and his friends had died. He had to look at a man he had pushed out of his life everyday who reminded him about it. He was clearly still hung up on some part of that and he didn’t want to tell her.

She resisted googling the event and instead busied herself by cleaning her apartment. There was always something left to do at home that she put off because of training. It was nice to have an evening alone and with nothing planned. She could take care of her living space. She sent him a goodnight text when she was getting ready for bed and was surprised when he replied.

«nite»

She couldn't deny that there were butterflies when her phone plinged with those four letters.

 


	11. Summer 2017, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo wants to push Rey away before he finds out that it's her birthday and needs to change his tune and find a way to make it up to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone again for the kudos and comments! The term is about to start so I really want to wrap this up. Writing this has made this summer so much more fulfilling...

**Mid June, Hartford**

Kylo could already feel that today wouldn’t be a normal training day even before he stepped on the ice. The entire week it had been hard to be around Rey. Luke, he could now tolerate (to a degree, occasionally, on good days), but Rey was another story. He had gotten too close to her and now needed to push away for his own selfish reasons. This pairs thing was only temporary, he reminded himself while he collected his thoughts in his car outside the rink. It had been another intense week of training and today was another early start so he wasn’t happy with anything.

It wasn’t that long ago he found himself able to relax in her presence as they ran together. Doing exercising other than skating had been perfect and a little too enjoyable. The times of just hanging out, away from Luke and the rink, had been too pleasant. Kylo was beginning to get to know Rey and felt himself enjoying skating as a team, but that also worried him. Things were supposed to be easy on the ice but off the ice…there shouldn’t be feelings there. He needed to build up a wall. They had been together a few months now and they had built up a solid set of routines based on both of their strengths. It was going so well, but that meant he needed to pull back. Friends on the ice didn’t mean friends off the ice, he decided. He needed to be harsh in order to get his emotions under control.

He wanted to go back to not being friendly as quickly as they had become friends.

He had ignored a text from her about going for coffee that previous weekend. Then he gave only half replies when they stretched that morning. He didn’t even feel awkward in these situations anymore—this only needed to work until February. It was better to start over now with his new attitude. He had to push away how attracted he was to her to get his head back in order.

Obviously, Rey had other ideas. She was fierce and just as stubborn as he was. She had been staring daggers at him throughout the morning after he brushed her off and her mouth was set in a firm, angry line when they reached the ice. Inwardly, he knew why he was obviously pushing her away. He thought it was necessary because that’s what worked before. When they had started skating together, he had avoided her and it worked. And now…

And now, here they were, entering the tenth attempt at skating a clean routine of their long program. Rey was skating at the far corner of the ice, bent over with her hands on her knees. She had been avoiding skating close to him, causing their rhythm to break each time. Their jumps were awkwardly off kilter. They looked like amateurs. Why couldn’t she just fill her side of the bargain? She was the expert about pairs, after all. He could only roll his eyes and run his hand through his hair. Today was beyond aggravating.

He heard Luke sigh and step towards the edge of the ice. There was another source of pure annoyance. He had been watching them half of the time and ignoring them the other half of the time, stroking his beard or reading a magazine or making lame notes in that infuriating red notebook. The training was six days a week now as they still tried to catch up to the other pairs. They had events approaching in September and October and some name recognition and some strings Luke had pulled had secured their spots with a bye at the US International—it helped that they were a trending topic amongst the Twitter figure skating community. Poe seemed to be on a campaign. There was some article about Rey floating around and people were talking about her. For their schedule, sectionals would follow to properly attain their spots on the US roster and reach the Championships. Now they needed to show up and actually perform in a few months. It was going to be a long summer and if today was any indication, their early chemistry had apparently melted away.

“Let’s go again, okay?” Luke called. “And actually look at each other this time!”

With a heavy sigh, Kylo felt his entire body ache with annoyance. Was this one of those situations where he was supposed to apologize for something he had done? Didn’t Rey and him have a deal? Just put up with one another for a year and walk away with an Olympic medal. He inhaled a deep breath and counted back from ten, which was something Rey had actually taught him that he recalled with a wince when he opened his eyes.

He moved to the starting position and waited, clearing his throat. They were alone on the rink, but not for much longer. His legs were starting to feel sore and he just wanted to have one clean routine to make up for that ache.

Rey slowly skated up to him, her head down.

“What is it?” He nearly hissed. “What are you doing? You know this, Rey.”

She half looked up at him. “I don’t know, let’s just get it over with.”

He felt himself go rigid at her tone. He tensed but tried to shake off his growing anger at her attitude. Exhaling deeply, he glanced over to Luke to give him a small nod to let him know they would be going and to keep them timed. No music today, just the timing in their heads.

He knelt down on one knee and put up his arm and Rey followed, mirroring his position. Her hand barely brushed his. But then again, her movements felt off from the beginning. She was silently protesting him and ruining everything. Kylo tried to shake off the feeling and find whatever center was left. He could be the stronger one, once again.

They moved together, rising from the ice. He counted internally, watching her movements and keeping his body in tempo with her. Her brow furrowed slightly as they performed the first hold, spinning in time to rest against his chest. But her body was not as close as it should be so he pressed his hands a little harder to her hips. He wasn’t going to let her get away with this.

Spinning out of the move, they moved to build up the speed for the triple loop. Kylo knew that in training, the throws were tempered, especially now that their bodies were sore from moving through the routine so many times. But part of him itched with irritation at Rey’s attitude—didn’t she know how to close people out? They moved together, his hands on her hips as they glided across the ice. He began to lift her and she pushed off with half of the effort he usually felt from her.

It took every ounce of strength not to throw her across the ice when she roughly landed in his arms, nearly knocking the wind out of him.

They locked eyes for a brief second and she seemed to sense his restrained intent. She glided away from him and span into a weak turn. He pressed on, but this was a disaster.

He watched her stumble out of the next small jump, practically falling, then roll her eyes and just shift into the next move, robotically. She skated towards him and instead of following the routine, he stubbornly let her come too close.

He was supposed to catch her as part of the next sequence, but as she leapt towards him, he only half moved to catch her. She reacted with surprise, stumbling into him, causing them both to topple to the ice.

Shoving her away, Kylo rose to his feet, aiming to skate off. He huffed, already having been pushed to the edge of his patience a half an hour ago. “What is your problem!”

He stopped in the middle of the ice, fists clenched, as he turned to glare at her.

Rey sat up. She brushed the ice off of her training gear, her eyes narrowed. “Don’t yell at me, you’re the one with no timing! You skate like an ape!”

He drove his nails into the palms of his hands. Why couldn’t she just accept that he couldn’t get close to her? “No, Rey, this is entirely you. Is this what you want? You want us to fail, don’t you? You’re only used to losing.”

Rey simply threw her hands up in the air. She got up and started to skate off the ice. She brushed past Luke and was swiftly down the hall by the time Kylo got to the edge of the ice.

Luke’s arms were like steel blocking him from also storming past him.

“Let her go,” he mumbled. “I thought training would help but it apparently didn’t work.”

“Help? Help what?” Kylo still hated speaking anything to his uncle most days. With Rey present, or anyone else, it was tolerable. Now, they were alone and having to have whatever this conversation was. “What do you know that I don’t?”

Luke sighed, not moving his hands. “You’ve been an uncompromising asshole all week, you realize that?”

“What?”

“Look, before you punch me in the face, think about it.” Luke slowly took a step back, letting Kylo leave the ice. He towered over his uncle and had to resist actually carrying through on Luke’s own threat.

“Think about what?”

Luke sighed, “It’s her birthday tomorrow. Didn’t you read the article Poe did with her? She’s upset she’ll have to spend it with us. Well, mostly you. I know I wouldn’t want to be here on my birthday, being treated like a mannequin by my selfish partner. Weren’t you at least hanging out? I thought there was something like friendship there.”

“Well, I thought there was a deal,” he replied. “I thought it was better to not…”

He felt his voice start to shake and quickly closed his mouth. _Not to get close._

Sitting on the bench, Kylo unlaced his skates with vicious efficiency. He needed to get his skates off and get to Rey before she left.

This was ridiculous.

He hated apologizing.

“So, are you going to fix this?” Luke prodded, lifting the tone of his voice.

Yanking off one skate, Kylo growled out, “Give us two days off. Two days. Since you can’t do anything right, I will have to fix this.”

“Well, you started it so you should…” Luke started before snapping his mouth shut at the look he got from his nephew.

He backed off with a simple nod. Kylo quickly removed his other skate and sprinted down the hallway. He saw the swing of Rey’s ponytail as she left the change room. She moved angrily down the hallway towards the exit. He caught up to her in his damp feet.

“Wait,” he said, reaching for her. He stopped just short of grabbing his arm. “Look, I’m…whatever I did…I apologize.”

She stopped and turned towards him. “So you don’t know what you did. Why apologize?”

He inwardly groaned. He shouldn’t have slipped up and let her get close to him from the beginning but now here they were. She was expecting consistency and his roadblock had been pigheadedly ignored.

“Look, let me make it up to you,” he thought on his feet, trying to put together some sort of plan together in his head. “Tomorrow and the day after. This weekend. We have the days off and I’ll make it up to you.”

She raised an eyebrow as if to say why should I trust you now.

“I will pick you up at eight,” he said, flatly. He quickly turned before she could reply.

He was halfway down the hallway when she called out. “I’ll see you then!”

Remembering what Luke had said, he opened up ESPN on his phone as sat down in the change room. He quickly scanned Dameron’s poorly written story and hastily came up with some ideas. It was essentially a list of things Rey had never done in her life and what she would have done if she weren’t a skater and other trivial knowledge. The rest of his day was going to be devoted to making phone calls to try to at least pretend they were friends. He had done that before. He could manage that if it helped her get over…whatever issues she had.

Pretending was better than feeling, after all.

-=-

It was a slightly cool morning for June when Kylo parked outside of Rey’s apartment. He quickly scrolled through his calendar to make sure everything would be timed. Another annoying thing about today was actually depending on people to be where they promised to be and trusting them to do what they said they would.

He grabbed the bag of pastries and coffee tray and walked towards Rey’s door. He pressed the buzzer at exactly 8.01. She didn’t reply through the speaker but the door clicked, letting him up. She was waiting in her doorway when he rounded the corner of her dimly lit hallway.

“You brought breakfast?” She asked, letting him in.

“Well, I’m not going to let you eat in my car so you’ll have to sit down,” he replied. He pulled out a chocolate croissant and placed it on a napkin on her kitchen table. His bagel went near the other chair. Coffees were next.

She sat down. Her hair was still slightly damp from a shower, smelling lightly of something softly flowery. He had texted her what to wear and what to pack for the afternoon and the evening. This morning it was her nicer workout clothes, then something casual in the afternoon. For the evening he had asked her to have something more formal, along with an overnight bag, and it pained him to type every letter. He didn’t want his plans to be that transparent.

After sipping her cup, Rey looked at him and smiled. “You actually know what I like!”

It was a non-fat hazelnut latté. He’d seen her order it four times. He had guessed that she wouldn’t want tea. For some reason, it stuck with him that she needed to smell like hazelnut.

“It’s not hard,” he shrugged. His simple espresso tasted decent enough.

He stood and she sat at the table. He glanced around her simple kitchen, remembering the last few times he had been there. Maybe friendly terms were better after all, no matter how he felt.

“One more thing,” he said then cleared his throat. He reached into his jacket pocket to retrieve a small, wrapped box. He handed it to her, working hard to meet her eyes. She accepted the package with a small smile. “Happy birthday.”

“A present and breakfast, you just might be good at apologizing after all,” she said, opening the box. “And with all of the packing I had to do, there’s plenty more to come.”

He wanted to snap at her put took a bite of his bagel instead. It wasn’t his fault that she needed to be friends in order to be manageable on the ice.

It was a small brooch, shaped like a bee. The wings were pearls and the body a faded gold. Again, it was just something that suited her that she needed to have.

She practically gaped at it. “This is too beautiful, Kylo. I can’t accept this—it looks so expensive.”

Shrugging, he sat down. He finished eating as she admired it. After taking a quick sip of his espresso, he looked at her. “I inherited it from my grandmother so I think that it might be worth something. I think you need something that suits you.”

“I remind you of a bee?”

“Small and efficient, but also dangerous?”

“Ah.”

They sat in silence for a few seconds, letting the ticking of the kitchen clock fill the room. He checked his own watch and rose from the table. “We have to get going to stay on schedule.”

She downed the last of her coffee and stood as well. “So I get breakfast, a gift, and now you have some sort of day planned? You’d rather go through all this trouble than actually talk to me.”

Kylo gathered their trash and tossed it, needing an excuse to turn his back to her. “We’ll have the day together—I’m assuming we will talk at some point. Let’s go.”

She had three bags—one was her usual training bag, one a smaller overnight bag, and the other was a garment bag. Well, that was a surprise. She actually had clothing that needed a garment bag. He glanced at her as they walked down the stairs of her apartment. She was wearing her simple black leggings and a white t-shirt. She had grabbed a jean jacket on her way out. Her clothes weren’t expensive, but they weren’t ripped up either. She didn’t have much but seemed to use it well.

They drove in relative silence but he could see that she was starting to get excited about his plans. She hummed a little as they pulled up next to a local dance studio. She looked at him with a questioning gaze.

“What’s this?”

“Come on,” he said, exiting the car. “They’re waiting.”

Once inside, they were greeted by a young dance teacher. She reached out to shake their hands. “Hi Rey, hi Kylo. I’m Kathleen. Nice to meet you! I hope you’re having a good morning. And thanks so much for doing this—the kids are really excited.”

“Um, hi,” Rey smiled. She led them inside and Rey mouthed to Kylo the question of what they were doing there. Kylo just shrugged and tried to look a little mischievous.

He leaned over to whisper in her ear. “In Poe’s article. You said if you weren’t a figure skater, you’d be a teacher. You’re going to teach them ballet.”

“Them?” She asked and he gave her a small grin.

Kathleen brought them into the dance studio, where they were met with a dozen or so six-year-old girls wearing tutus and ballet slippers. Some of them had miss-matched socks and different colors of barrettes. They were sitting on the floor in a circle, obviously having been directed to sit and stay. Rey’s eyes opened with surprise and smiled brightly.

“Here they are, class! Meet Rey Niima and Kylo Ren!” The instructor said. “Rey is going to lead us through some exercises that she does before she figure skates.”

The girls scrambled to their feet in a sudden outburst of sound. All the voices spoke simultaneously as the group moved around Rey. “Wow! /We really like you. /You’re so pretty. /I like your hair. /Are you really British?”

Rey smiled, reaching down to shake each small hand, asking their names and what grades they were in. “It’s so nice to meet you all!”

After pulling on her simple slippers, Rey quickly transformed into an instructor for the girls. Kylo was happy to let her work and leaned against the doorframe. He took a couple of pictures with his phone so that Rey would have something to remember from this part of the day. She seemed to work naturally with the children, which was something he had expected. She was constantly smiling at them, showing them how to move their feet and point their toes. She glanced over her shoulder to grin at Kylo and he managed to clamp down on a full smile in response. He could hear her voice when he had read Poe’s words: _I would probably be a teacher, something like elementary school. It’s a fun age and I never really got to have much fun as a kid. It would be nice to give some one else a good childhood._ So open and honest and, well, her.

Kathleen buzzed up next to him. “This was such a good idea. Most of the girls do figure skating as well. They go to different clubs but I think that one or two are with your club. They will really remember this.”

He nodded. “You were the fourth studio I had to call that had a class at the right time. Lucky you.”

“I saw some of the routine on Instagram,” she said. “You two work well together. I really hope you make it to Korea.”

He nodded, looking back to Rey and the children. One girl, a tiny brunette, had really started to open up to Rey. Every time Rey would speak, the girl would reply with a question or open statement about her favorite color or day of the week.

After a half an hour, it was time to finish the first part of the day and move onto the next. It was a bit of a long drive so he wanted to get going. He cleared his throat and all of the girls turned to look at him.

“It’s time to get going,” he said.

“Wait, wait,” Rey said. “You have to show them a step! We can’t go until you’ve done that.”

“What? No,” he shook his head. “That really wasn’t part of the plan.”

Rey looked at the girls and they collectively started to whine and plead. Really, how did he not see this coming? “Please, please, please??”

He sighed and slipped off his shoes and socks. He towered over the tiny girls. He felt like a giant. Some how, Rey looked even smaller as well. They looked up at him with huge eyes, awaiting instructions silently. There was suddenly none of the initial enthusiasm with Rey. They looked at him with curiosity but also must have been intimidated.

“Line up,” he said, then turning to Rey. “You too.”

She smirked but didn’t protest. She got in the line with the girls and they started to giggle when she smiled at them. He stood in front of the troupe and tried to clamp down on his growing embarrassment.

“Okay, first position,” he commanded, placing his feet parallel to one another. The girls slowly followed, along with Rey.

“Let’s work on our pliés,” he said, stretching out his hands. “Ready?”

The girls nodded and then attempted to mimic his movements. The only one succeeding was Rey. It was near chaos in Kylo’s mind. But Rey was laughing along with the girls. He managed to laugh lightly too when one of the girls toppled to the floor when she over extended her pose.

Once the torture was over and they were back in his car, after changing their clothes, Rey gave him a sincere smile. “That was actually really nice.”

He nodded. “I’ve seen you with the kids at the rink from time to time. You’d be a good teacher. Today just confirmed that.”

“Did you see how they reacted to us? I never really felt like I was famous until I started skating with you. They actually seemed to know who we are,” she said. “It’s a little strange.”

He shrugged. “I think you’ll get used to it.”

“Better than being known as the girl that nearly got decapitated,” she mumbled, mostly to herself.

“Would you rather be known as the guy who broke his hand punching the ice?”

She turned to smile at him. “But you didn’t actually break your hand.”

“And you weren’t actually decapitated.”

There was a brief pause in their conversation before she asked what was next.

“You’ve never been on a picnic before,” he gestured to the backseat, pulling a blanket off of the basket in the back.

She almost gasped. “You _own_ a picnic basket.”

He shrugged. “I bought it yesterday.”

“Don’t destroy the illusion. I liked imagining you taking long picnic lunches every weekend,” she said with a grin. “But you’d be alone so you’d be glaring at all of the happy people out on a picnic, dressed in all black. You’d aggressively picnic.”

He actually felt like teasing back. “They’d probably call the police. I’d be arrested and Dameron would write an awful article about my picnic scandal.”

“Aggressively and _scandalously_ picnic!”

It felt good to joke with her as they drove. He’d checked around and decided that East Rock Park in New Haven was the place. He remembered being there as a child and thought about the view over the city. It was near the Yale campus and the water. He hated admitting that he was starting to get used to living near where he grew up. The last part of his plan depended on that and despite how perfectly the morning went, he was starting to get anxious about his evening plot.

The day had warmed up so Rey left her jacket in the car. He handed her the blanket and took the basket. The park was expansive but he vaguely remembered the trail down to the water. There was grass and benches. The drive had taken about two hours so it was nearing eleven. Passing a few tourists, Rey reached out and unexpectedly squeezed his free hand. He turned to look at their hands and then at her beaming at him.

“This is almost like a date,” she said gently.

He resisted pulling his hand away but felt himself tense. He was having difficulties swallowing being friends with her and she had to say something like that. They held hands on the ice all of the time and he touched nearly every part of her body throughout their routines. Maybe he wanted to push her away because he was attracted to her. The way their hands fit together made his heart beat a little harder. The way she had been smiling at him all morning made him feel like he was the center of her world. It was her birthday and he wanted to make her feel special and instead she was making him feel that way.

“Do you want it to be a date?” He asked, cautiously.

They had reached a free bench, near some shade from a tree. She let go of his hand and took a step aside. “I don’t really know.”

“People assume we’re dating.”

She smirked, “People assume a lot of things.”

He helped her spread out the blanket and then set the basket down. He sat down next to her and removed his sunglasses. She softly rested the tips of her fingers on his hand.

“I still don’t really understand you,” she slowly began to say. “You let me get close and then, like the this week, you push me away. You say we have a deal to be partners, but not friends. But then we do things friends do. It’s like you can’t make your mind up about me or anyone else at the club. I think that it’s important that you trust me off the ice, not just on the ice.”

He forced himself to keep meeting her eyes. “You talk to me like no one else. That makes you better than most people I know.”

“When was the last time you let some one talk to you like I do?”

“Never.”

She smiled lightly at him and squeezed his hand. They sat in the sun like that for a couple more minutes before he pulled away, returning his sunglasses to his eyes and reaching for the basket. He felt like he had to withdraw again. He unpacked plates, cutlery, glasses and a thermos. Carefully wrapped sandwiches and packed, pre-cut fruit followed. Finally, a tiny bottle of champagne and a single flute emerged.

“Second present,” he said, leaning back onto the blanket. “You’ve never had real champagne.”

“Well, I might’ve once,” she smiled, holding the bottle in her hands. “We finished fourth in some invitational in the middle of nowhere Ohio years ago. Finn was so excited. We shared some bottle with this other team; the girl had perfect teeth. I remember just staring at them and couldn’t believe some one could have teeth like that.”

She paused, handing him the bottle. He leaned up, opening it and pouring her glass.

“Look, I put the brooch on,” she said, taking the glass and pointing to the neckline of her dress. It was a simple blue dress with small white flowers. The bee looked perfect against it.

“My grandmother would approve,” he answered, not knowing what else to say.

They opened the sandwich packages and ate, talking occasionally but mostly enjoying the view. He was pleased that he could remember that this park existed. They could look down at the town, seeing a good deal of the New Haven architecture. He again thought about how much he hated actually liking and appreciating things. If he hadn’t made a promise to himself and to his mother earlier that day, he would have tried to push Rey away again. Holding his hand earlier still made him feel suspicious.

“I can’t really remember what else I said in that interview,” she said, after finishing her sandwich. “I have no idea what you have planned the rest of today.”

“I should take your phone so you don’t look it up,” he teased, lying back to stretch out on the blanket. He quickly glanced at his watch. They still had twenty minutes to spend here. She quietly packed up their plates and glasses before moving the basket from between them. She stretched out beside him, resting her head on his chest.

“How can two glasses of champagne make me so sleepy,” she whispered.

“You hardly drink,” he said, moving to rest his arm around her. “But I don’t mind when you do.”

She fell asleep, napping on his shoulder in the sunshine. He couldn’t really calm down enough to fall asleep, but it was relaxing enough. Today was about her. He could figure himself out tomorrow. There was so much he wanted to tell her but there never seemed to be the right moment. His secrets were pressing on him when he let his mind rest.

After he woke her up and they returned to the car, he saw a wide-eyed teenage girl slowly approach them. She looked at them both but tried to focus on Rey. She was just like the little girls that morning—looking for a hero she could identify with.

“Hi, excuse me?” The girl timidly spoke. “Are you Rey Niima? The figure skater?”

“Yes,” Rey turned gracefully to shake her hand. “And you don’t have to be afraid of Kylo Ren. He just took me on a picnic.”

The girl smiled. “I can’t believe it’s you. My name’s Jenna. I saw you skate last year. My parents got me tickets for my birthday. I can’t wait to see you get back into competition.”

Rey nodded. “Do you skate too?”

“Yes, but I’m not really getting any better,” she shook her head. “Can I just get a quick picture? I don’t want to keep you guys waiting.”

Kylo felt himself stiffen at the thought but he saw Rey nodding before he could disagree. The girl pulled out her phone and stood between them, aiming her phone to take the reversed picture. He saw that his hair looked messy but didn’t want to put up much of a fight. Rey looked beautiful. The girl thanked them and quickly disappeared into the cars gathered in the parking lot.

“She was polite.”

He only nodded, getting into his car. It was time for the next part of the day.

 


	12. Summer 2017, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is surprised that her birthday includes meeting his parents. Kylo tries (and only somewhat succeeds) to behave. Rey lets herself get carried away before they get interrupted.

 

As they drove along the coast, Rey sipped on a bottle of water and thought about how controlled Kylo had been throughout the day. She could feel times when he wanted to be angry at her and wanted to tell her how to act, but he kept his tone level. She had dared to hold his hand and he hadn’t pulled away. She still didn’t know if this was a date or not (it clearly wasn't) and right now she didn’t care. It was another long drive, tracing through the Connecticut summer. She had lived in Hartford for a good while now and had never really seen the coast or the towns along the way. They stopped for ice cream and gas after an hour, and then continued on, although she didn't know where they were going and didn't really want to ask. It was late in the afternoon and several more hours later when they passed into Massachusetts. She had happily listened to the radio but now just enjoyed the silence for this part of the drive. It seemed like he was thinking things through as well.

They arrived at a ferry terminal and Rey finally had to ask where they were going.

“You can’t remember the last time you had a family dinner,” he said, turning off the engine in the parking lot. “We’re going to dinner at my family’s summer house on Martha’s Vineyard.”

What? “What, your family? Kylo…”

“I can’t cancel,” he shrugged. “My mother wants to meet you.”

He never really talked about his family, except for snide remarks he said with bitterness. She suddenly started to realize that he might actually be nervous about seeing them and bringing her there.

“We’re staying over night,” he said before clearing his throat. “The place is huge so we’re not sharing a room.”

She nodded. “Who’s going to be there?”

“Just my mother and father, maybe some of their friends. I didn’t really ask. I told them we were coming and what ferry we would be taking.” He answered, putting the same distance between them again.

“You don’t have to do this for me,” she said. “You don’t look happy about this.”

He fiddled with his keys. “I haven’t seem them in a while. And I don’t really get along with my father.”

She nodded. “Then I just want you to know how much I appreciate this. All of this. It’s already been an incredible day.”

He didn’t really reply but did jerk his head in agreement. They grabbed their bags and headed to the terminal. Rey couldn’t remember the last time she was on a ferry but knew it wasn’t her first time. The trip would take an hour and they could change on board. She was slowly realizing why Kylo had told her to bring nicer clothes. Aside from the sunburnt tourists, the regulars appeared finely dressed in smart business casual or tailored dresses. Her current clothes were fine but she was starting to feel self-conscious. They changed and moved into the small bar area. She carefully fixed the bee brooch again and smiled at the tiny present. She couldn’t imagine how much it cost and she was determined not to lose it.

Kylo ordered two glasses of wine and they sipped the cool amber liquid as they moved out to sea.

They looked good together.

“It’s not really just their summer house,” Kylo said suddenly. “You can live there all year round but they spend most of the time in the Providence, when they’re not working or doing whatever they want to do. They also share it was some of my father’s former teammates. It’s more of a set of houses. I used to spend summers there until I was fourteen.”

The wine and the sunshine were making her realize how different his early childhood was compared to hers. Taking this ferry and spending time with his family, going to skating camps and eating well, while she spent it usually stuck in the corner of a pub or worse. She didn’t really know if she’d be sleeping in the same bed the next week or who would be hitting her the next year. Skating had saved her and lifted her out of that world. And now skating had brought her him and part of his world. But part of her also realized that he probably wouldn’t let her share this part of himself permanently. He could go back to being an ass at the drop of a hat and she wasn’t sure if he fully trusted her yet.

They were nearly ashore when he realized she hadn’t checked her phone for most of the day. It was usually her favorite nervous habit but she hadn’t really thought about it. She checked her notifications and was almost relieved to find nothing.

“Let’s take a picture. I forgot to take one at the picnic,” she asked. Reluctantly, he nodded. They walked out on deck and she held up her phone and smiled. The sun was getting lower in the sky and the water shone beneath them. They looked good together and she smiled brightly at how his eyes were more focused on her than on the phone. Holding his hand earlier had made her realize just how much she enjoyed feeling wanted, at least today. She couldn't fully trust him after his sudden shifts in mood but today felt like they were almost a proper couple. Rey didn't really think about how, deep down, she wanted to be needed. She felt inexperienced in everything that was related to sex and dating. Part of her was slightly afraid of it. Would he let her get close?

She had been lost in thought when she saw him wander down the deck, the air catching his hair. She liked how he looked physically, that was true. His looks looked soft and enticing and his hands were large and certain. He'd already touched her nearly everywhere so it wouldn't be too hard just to lose their clothes at some point. Smirking, she took a quick, secret picture. He looked out over the water and seemed to be somewhere else. A bell dinged and he looked to her and motioned that it was time to go. Dropping her phone back in her bag, they prepared to depart. They docked and she trailed after him, following the stream of passengers. Her mind was still on his handsome face and elegant hands when they reached their destination. In the terminal, she felt him lose half a step when he saw two older people standing across the concourse, looking out the large window. They hadn’t seen them yet.

“Can you forgive me in advance if I’m not…perfect this entire evening,” he mumbled, stopping for a moment.

She was confused but nodded.

“All right.”

She followed him forward and the older couple turned and smiled. The woman, obviously his mother, spoke first. “There you are!”

People were still milling around them as they set their bags down to greet his parents.

“This is Rey, my partner,” he said, presenting her.

“Hello, Rey,” his mother said, extending her hand. It was carefully manicured and her clothes were nicely tailored. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, her greying brown hair neatly ordered. She looked like the president of some European country, maybe even a queen, Rey thought to herself.

“I’m Leia and this is my husband, Han.”

Rey shook both their hands. His father mumbled a greeting and turned to his son.

“Glad you could make it. It’s been a while.”

Kylo stiffened slightly then cleared his throat. “I was in Europe.”

Leia seemed to sense the tension and lightly clapped her hands together. “You know, let’s talk about it in the car. It will just be us for dinner. I didn’t want Rey to get too many questions. Chewie was thinking about coming down for the weekend but he’s busy with the free agent list or something for the team.”

“That’s fine,” he answered, tightly.

“Can I take your bags, Rey?” Han asked, already picking them up.

“Sure, yes please,” she quickly answered. She trailed behind them, not really talking unless asked a question. She wasn’t really shy—she was a performer after all—but there was an underlying tension in the family that made her slightly nervous. Kylo was in step beside her and glanced from her to his parents. They were talking about where they had parked the car and not really reaching a conclusion.

Discreetly, Kylo reached out his hand to brush their fingers together. It meant good luck before the show, she could tell. She smiled, trying to get herself to relax.

It wasn’t a large parking lot so the car problem was quickly solved. The drive was beautiful, just like the rest of New England. They drove through a small town and then by several gated homes before finally pulling up to a silver gate. Han keyed in the code as Leia hummed in the passenger seat.

“How’s your uncle?”

“Annoying,” Kylo replied. “But we need to be ready for the fall and the rest of the season.”

“So it’s working better this time?” His mother asked.

Kylo shrugged. “There’s still a lot of work to do.”

Rey slowly put the pieces together. “Luke is your uncle?”

They had reached the entrance to the sprawling mansion and both of his parents turned to look at them when they came to a rolling stop.

“You didn’t tell her?” Leia looked at her son and shook her head. “Always so secretive.”

“He didn’t tell her either so this isn’t all _my_ fault,” Kylo snapped. He quickly opened the door and moved to retrieve their bags from the trunk. Rey was stunned but slowly followed.

“I’m not mad, just surprised,” she whispered, joining him before his parents left the car.

He sighed, closing his eyes and seemed to be inwardly counting. “No, it’s fine. It’s just…I hate giving them something to hang over me. Especially my father.”

They left the car and entered the sprawling front entrance. Rey was almost certain the house was bigger than her entire apartment complex. How can some people be so rich and some people so poor? She couldn’t help but wonder what their actual home looked like compared to this.

“What do you do for work, Leia?” Rey asked, her curiosity overcoming her as they stood at the front entrance. She didn’t know quite what else to say.

The older woman was in the process of changing her shoes—one pair of sleek kitten heels for another. “Oh, I’m retired, mostly, now. I taught law at Yale for a long time. I still do some things with the university, but it’s mostly charity work that I do now. Working with quite a few troubled cases for free. We might take advantage of this place, but the working poor on the Vineyard is a real issue that not many of our neighbors care about. I work for them. And I guess you can count helping doctoral students through their PhD dissertations as charity work too. Let’s take a tour of the house before we talk about my boring life. Han, take their bags to their rooms.”

Rey nodded and watched as Kylo’s father disappeared up a set of stairs to the right of the door. Kylo glared at his father’s back before trailing behind her, watching her take in the estate. She still noticed and felt his lingering strain around his parents, especially his father. It took nearly ten minutes to cover most of the downstairs. The ceiling was high and the floors were expansive. How long did it take to clean this place? There were two kitchens—one full at the front of the house and a smaller kitchenette by the patio doors. There was a large pool outside and a neatly maintained patio and garden. Just as Kylo said, there was another house across from them on the other side of the large pool that she could see from a distance. The art was simple and looked 18th century, but she couldn't really judge. Occasionally she spotted a family picture. She counted three washrooms downstairs and two bedroom doors. The main dining room, in the far corner of the house and down two steps, also appeared to double as a library. The walls were lined with books, mostly older hard copies all the way to the high ceiling. She felt small and poor and couldn’t imagine having Kylo’s life at that moment.

“And here’s Han’s little office,” Leia led them into a small den with a desk in the corner that was off of the library. The décor changed from the elegant lines to more of a man-cave feeling. Photos and trophies decorated the wall, which was painted a deep red. Pictures of smiling hockey players scoring goals and framed hockey cards were neatly placed in careful patterns. Han had returned and lurked in the doorway as she studied everything. She reached out and gently traced the lettering on one of the trophies. She guessed it must have been a replica. She noticed the name and her eyes went wide.

“You’re Han Solo,” she finally said. “You played with the Boston Bruins.”

“And here I thought that you figure skaters didn’t know anything about hockey,” he grinned. “Won the cup twice. Was even on the ice for Bobby Orr’s goal – you know, the one?” He stretched out his arms, mimicking the infamous goal from 1970. He gestured at the picture above the window in the corner.

She nodded. “Yes, I think I remember which one. I don’t know much about ice hockey but I do pick up things here and there. People are still nostalgic for the Whalers.”

“Ice hockey,” he scoffed with a smile. “Here, it’s just called hockey. You Brits maybe invented it up in Canada.”

She noticed that Kylo still hadn’t relaxed, looking around the room. He was pretending to be bored but was mostly trying to keep himself from saying something. At this point, she could tell that this wasn’t very comfortable for him.

“She can call it what she wants.” She heard him say under his breath.

They finished the tour upstairs, which was still more bedrooms and bathrooms. There was a small alcove for reading that overlooked the garden. In the distance, she could see another house. It seemed to never end. Her guest room was across the hall from his. She had quickly peaked inside and his room was plain, but still felt like him, in a way. There was a shelf with an old model airplane above his bed. She was thankful to notice that she had an adjoining washroom. She didn’t want these rich and elegant people to catch a glimpse of her worn-out underwear.

“Get settled and come downstairs for a drink in a bit,” Leia instructed before leaving them alone. Han had stayed in his den, probably shining his trophy.

“You’re overwhelmed, aren’t you?” Kylo stood in the doorway, watching her sit down carefully on the neatly quilted bed cover.

She shrugged. “This house is massive.”

He nodded. “There’re two adjoining guest houses and a four-car garage. The normal tour takes half an hour with a golf cart. They even built a rink here for me to skate and for shinny for...them. No stables though.”

She grinned at him slightly. “So I don’t get to ride a horse either? Are we done with my list?”

“I think so,” he crossed the room to sit beside her. She let her hand brush his lightly and heard him sigh.

She slowly remembered one other thing that was on her list and it made her inwardly tense.

She wanted to fall in love.

“Kylo, I never expected to have a day like this,” she quietly said. “You’ve done a really good job.”

“It’s been a long day, but a good day if you are happy,” he was looking at their hands again and she noticed how close he was. Her heart beat quicker as she realized all she had to do was lean up to kiss him. She wanted to be kissed on her birthday and just pretend he was her boyfriend. His mouth was slightly parted and it seemed like he had stopped breathing. His brown eyes were softened in the light from the evening sun streaming through the window. Would he even want to kiss her?

He ripped the moment away, standing suddenly. “Let’s get ready and go downstairs.”

She nodded, feeling some of the tension still settling in her chest. “I just need to check my face first.”

She ducked into the washroom, makeup bag in hand. She pulled out a small compact and quickly padded it around her cheeks. The guest washroom had a shower in one corner and a tub with lion’s feet on the other side, sitting under a perfectly placed window. The tiling looked like something she would see in Greece. It was beautiful, but all she could think about was her partner. Did he think she was attractive? When she turned her head, she noticed the scar still lingering across her skin. Finn had hurt and left her and he was much more stable than Kylo. Was he just going to do the same? After quickly padding some powder on her scar and sighed to herself. At least he wanted to be her friend again and didn’t seem to hate her as openly as it seemed he did in the beginning, from time to time. She could at least have that.

He was waiting outside her door when she came out. “I’ll have to guide you or you’ll never find us.”

Rey followed after him down the stairs to a simple sitting room that she had seen early on in the tour. Four martini glasses were sitting on a low table in the middle. His parents stood from their chairs when they entered to greet them. She took a drink and sat next to Kylo on the couch, opposite the chairs. The furniture also looked eighteenth century from what she could remember about art and design. She knew drinking this much was not very good for her training but it was her birthday. She could have one weekend in which she lived like everyone else her age.

Kylo didn’t say much, but she occasionally heard him say something lowly, mainly to himself but also to make some sort of point she didn’t really think needed making. His arm was draped around the back of the couch, almost brushing her shoulder. Rey felt her tongue being loosened by the drink and asked careful questions about the NHL and university life. She didn’t know everything about American sport or some aspects of culture but was able to keep up.

Finally, Leia asked her about her parents and what they did for work and what they thought about their daughter living so far from home.

“I didn’t really know my parents,” she replied, studying her empty glass. “I have some faint memory of them leaving me at a station when I was maybe four or five. I grew up mostly in public care until I was discovered and came to America to train. I…I don’t really like to talk about them.”

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” Leia reached out and put a caring hand on her knee. “I had no idea.”

“Just be careful,” Han spoke up. “Get to the Olympics and you never know what relatives will be crawling out of the woodwork.”

Rey noticed Leia giving him a slight glare but smiled at the older woman instead. “It was a long time ago. I have a new life here.”

“You don’t know anything about her family, so why comment?” Kylo spoke up, further pressing the mood. It was like he was defending her as an excuse to take digs at his parents.

There was a small silence before a distant bell chimed. It sounded like a doorbell but Rey had no idea.

“Enough of that, let’s go eat,” Leia patted her leg twice more before standing. Rey followed after them slowly, walking alongside Kylo in silence. Han turned down a different hallway and when they entered the library, she heard gentle music start to stream in; soft piano sounds filled the room. The table was elegantly set and she took her seat. Instead of sitting four people around a massive table like she had imagined when she entered the house, each pair instead sat opposite one another in the center. Leia excused herself to get the food. Kylo sat next to her and nudged her hand.

“What are you going to say if they ask you about your old partner?” He asked.

She lifted her shoulders. “I’ll make something up.”

She wanted to add that he didn’t need to defend her, but let it drop.

Han and Leia returned, holding four dishes of salad that first looked very simple but when it was placed in front of her, Rey saw how delicately each part was cut and placed. There was a light dressing on kale, apple, fennel, and goat cheese. There were cranberries and pumpkin seeds. It looked amazing.

“This looks delicious, Leia,” she smiled.

“Oh, don’t praise me too much,” she waved her off, lifting a bottle of white wine and working to remove the cork. “The staff from the place next door brought it over. I had forgot about the salad when we were shopping and ran out of time.”

“Still, it looks great,” Rey said.

The wine was served and they quietly chatted about the season and their routines. How it was to work with Luke and how the sponsors were treating them was also brought up. Kylo mostly listened but had to speak up when the topic of their music came up. This time he didn’t sound actively aggressive but instead more annoyed. Maybe the wine was relaxing him too.

“I’ve never skated to pop music and they are forcing me to skate to Ed Sheeran,” he said forcefully, but with a small smirk. “I can’t stand it.”

“The fans like songs they know,” Leia replied. “What are you using for your short program?”

“Puccini,” Rey and Kylo said simultaneously. She turned to smile at him and he returned the look, but slightly more subdued.

Rey offered to help clear out the dishes and bring in the main course but their hosts refused. Kylo seemed to be avoiding talking to his father and sat up straighter when he spoke. He was an okay actor but there was clearly something there. When he did answer something his father asked, it was usually a one or two word reply. It reminded her of how he answered questions from the press. It was not the “homey” family dinner she imagined but it was still something special he had purposely planned for her. She finished her glass of white wine as she waited, glancing around the large, organized room.

“Most of them are law books, don’t be fooled,” Kylo said, noticing her studying the room. “Some of the others were inherited from my grandmother.”

“What about your grandfather?” She asked.

He just shook his head, ignoring the question. Leia and Han returned with lasagna and two bottles of red wine. Rey was already starting to feel a slight buzz and happily accepted another glass. The white wine glasses were placed aside and the red wine setting was used instead. Rey was reminded of her meager assortment of glasses again.

“See? This is more of her cooking,” Han said. “No micro greens here.”

“Not everything can be grilled,” she replied. “He wanted to do a barbeque and I didn’t know if you could eat meat or not. This is with turkey. Our neighbor actually shot them for us last season.”

Rey nodded. “Turkey is fine. We can’t eat like this everyday but sometimes the extra calories make you feel more alive.”

The wine and the food were delicious and Rey actually looked forward to the extra training it all involved.

“How’s the quad throw coming?” Han asked. “You have to have one if the Chinese are doing it, right?”

Rey tensed a little at the question. They could land a good triple but the quad was still difficult for them.

“It’s…getting better,” she said. “We’re working on it.”

“It will work,” Kylo added, shortly. “We have a competitive and difficult routine, if you actually care.”

The last part was under his breath but it was said with an obvious purpose. Rey changed the subject quickly and tried to brighten the mood.

They talked a little more, with Kylo taking a long sip of wine whenever one of his parents would speak. Rey was polite and answered each question and replied with a query of her own. The second bottle was opened and she felt quite relaxed. She just wished Kylo could follow her lead.

“I never liked wine when I could first start drinking,” she admitted, mainly to herself. “I guess it’s something you get used to.”

“Coffee is the same. There’s always something we end up liking that we hate when we’re younger” Leia answered. “I hated mushrooms when I was small. I can’t imagine it now.”

Rey nodded, remembering the delicately sliced layer of mushrooms mixed with ricotta in the lasagna.

“Ben was a picky eater when he was a kid,” Han said before taking a sip of wine. “Had to bribe him to get him to eat his vegetables.”

“Don’t call me that, and how would you know?” Kylo said, setting his glass down in an instant reaction. He glowered at his father and Rey quickly felt a tension sweep over the room. Luke would call him Ben from time to time too when they both thought she wasn’t listening. While it wasn’t a secret, it was clearly a sensitive subject.

His father sighed heavily. “Look, I don’t want to argue in front of your friend…”

“Then don’t argue,” Kylo snapped back. “I detest how you never respect any choice I make. You were never around when I was a kid and you say something like that like we actually ate together. Everything was about the _team_. That’s why I avoid this place and avoid you. Have you been listening to anything we’ve said all night? She’s more than my friend—we work together. She’s my partner. Isn’t that what you always wanted—me to be part of a team?” He swiftly looked from his father to Rey and stood from the table, storming out of the room.

Rey sat back, trying to take everything he just said and figure out what parts of the evening she had missed. The only thing that filled the room was the low piano music emerging from hidden speakers.

“Don’t look so worried,” Han finally said, lifting his glass like nothing happened. “He’ll be back.”

They quietly ate and a few minutes later, Kylo returned. He sat down and turned to Rey. “I’m sorry for leaving. I don’t want to ruin the evening.”

She nodded. “It’s…it’s okay.”

He shook his head, he murmured. “I’ll tell you later.”

“Everyone friends again?” Leia asked. “Or at least friendly enough.”

The two men looked at one another and exchanged weak nods. Kylo drained his wine glass as he eyed his father. He turned away and gave his mother an apologetic look.

“Come on, we’ll have coffee and dessert in the main kitchen,” she stood. Rey moved to collect the dishes but Leia waved her off. “No, it’s fine. We’ll take care of those later.”

Rey nodded, thinking about the remark about the staff working conditions she'd mentioned earlier. They didn't seem to have anyone working for them. When they changed rooms, they sat at the relatively small kitchen table (compared to the rest of the house) and ate strawberries and cream. The coffee was cooked and a tiny glass was placed beside her cup.

“Cognac?” Han offered.

She looked to Kylo, who shrugged. “It’s your birthday.”

This was Leia’s turn to respond in surprise to her son. “You didn’t tell me it was her birthday! I could’ve got a cake! What’s the matter with you?”

He put a spoonful of sliced strawberries into his mouth. “It would have been too over the top.”

Rey had to laugh. The entire day had been over the top. “No, really, Leia. I don’t need any cake.”

“Well, we have to sing,” she demanded. “You two better back me up here.”

Both men took a long drink of cognac before they all stood.

Rey had never imagined her birthday would include her skating partner and his parents singing a (rather unenthusiastic, to be fair) version of happy birthday. She clapped after, applauding their efforts.

The cognac bottle was replaced with a whiskey bottle (to celebrate her birthday, Han had insisted). They moved out onto the patio and after a press of a button, music started to fill the air again. This time it was more upbeat and jazzy. The patio area was lit by the house lights, along with solar lamps that bordered the cement tiles. Flowered pots stood alongside the area. The night air was just perfect and Rey felt the alcohol warm her chest and the conversation blurring around her. She sipped the whiskey and started to sway to the music.

“Dance with me,” she reached out a hand to Kylo. He looked from where his parents had sat down back to her.

“This will be your last present,” he said firmly, taking her glass to set it alongside his on a patio chair. “Maybe you’ve never danced with anyone on your birthday.”

Like they did on the ice, he took her hand and put his hand on her hip. The music moved faster than he was moving but she didn’t care. His dark hair framed his face when she looked up at him. The lingering anger at his father seemed to have been smoothed over temporarily with the alcohol. She moved her hands, wrapping them around his neck. He shifted his hands to her swaying hips.

“Today has been perfect,” she declared. “I’m never going to forget it.”

“Happy birthday Rey,” he replied. He pulled her closer into a hug.

Even if they didn’t make it to the Olympics, she still would have this moment.

 

-=-

 

The drive home was much less eventful and was quieter. Rey nursed her water bottle, trying to tame her hangover. It wasn’t that bad but it still nagged at her. The shower earlier that morning had been almost too perfect and she nearly fell asleep again. She wanted to lay down in the bathtub and let the water flow over her. She had shivered when she imagined Kylo joining her there. They ate breakfast with only Leia, as Han had some things to take care of in town. Rey had hugged her at the ferry terminal and promised to visit again. Before she left, Leia handed her a small wrapped box. It was a pair of pearl earrings that seemed to match her brooch. Rey tried to give them back but was sternly told no.

As they neared Hartford, Rey decided to ask a lingering question as carefully as she could.

“Why did you change your name?”

He took a deep breath. “I did it so long ago, it almost doesn’t matter anymore. My father is Han Solo. I didn’t want to be constantly compared to him with the name Ben _Solo_ in a sport that wasn’t hockey. So when I went to train with Snoke, I changed my name. Sometimes it’s important to put the past behind you.”

“But they still think of you as Ben?”

He nodded. “They have a harder time with the past.”

She let a silence fall between them but did reach out to take his free hand. He didn’t move it, letting her entwine their fingers. Partners could hold hands like this, she decided.

“Thank you,” he spoke up unexpectedly.

“For what?”

He exhaled, tightening his hand on hers. “For asking and not demanding.”

Rey smirked. “It’s not a big deal to me, to be honest. You have to be yourself and not let other people control you.”

She rested her head on his shoulder the last part of the drive. Part of her regretted not kissing him the previous day. He had been so kind to her. The brief explosion at his father aside, he had been on his best behavior. She wondered how many more special days she could have with _that_ Kylo and not the one she had met months ago in Korea.

The street outside her apartment building had no free spots. Kylo sweared to himself before finding a free spot a block away and around the corner. Her street was never this busy and he wasn't about to pay for street parking that was closer. Rey was only thankful for the extra time they could spend together. It was a way of extending the previous day. She grabbed her bags and he followed her out of the car, taking her garment bag. Outside the car, she slid her hand into his again and smiled.

They were halfway to her apartment door when he stopped walking. She could see the door to her building from a distance, obscured by some decorative trees. She really didn’t want to go in there and be alone right now.

“This is…fine. But…” he turned her to face him, setting down her bag. She followed him. He took both of her hands and met her eyes. “Do you know why I did all that yesterday?” He asked.

“You said already. To make me feel happy,” she replied. “I’m just trying to show you how much the day—and you—mean to me.”

He looked at her with warmth in his eyes that she had rarely seen. This would be the perfect end to the weekend if he kissed her right then. She felt him start to lean in and nearly held her breath.

“Hey! Rey!”

His hands dropped away as her stomach felt like it fell out of her body, falling alongside his hands. He nearly pushed her away in panic. The familiar voice was calling from outside her apartment door. With slight dread, she turned to see Finn crossing the street.

“You should go,” Rey sighed, turning to him. “I don’t know what he wants.”

Kylo motioned to the package tucked under the approaching Finn’s arm. “It’s your birthday.”

She shook her head feeling panic wash over her body. Why here, why _now_?

“Hey, what was going on there?” Finn asked, reaching where they stood.

“Just saying goodbye,” Kylo mumbled. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rey.”

“Aren’t you going to introduce yourself? I’m Finn,” he extended his hand.

The warmth was replaced by cold as Kylo watched the hand with narrowed eyes. “I know who you are.”

And then he turned and walked away. Rey wanted to scream.

Finn helped gather her bags and was happily chatting like they were just going to pick things up from the beginning again. Their time in March had been fine but things still didn’t feel right when they parted. She remembered their awkward embrace before she left. She was quiet until they were inside before snapping at him.

“What are you doing here Finn?” She asked, angrily. “Why didn’t you just _text_ me again.”

He seemed shocked by her sudden tone. “Look, Rey, I was in town. I came by to wish you a happy birthday yesterday. You weren’t home so I took a chance at coming by today. I haven’t talked to you since March and you were the one that said we should be better friends. You haven’t been responding to my texts. And then I nearly see you kiss your new partner. So I think I can get some answers here too.”

“Answers? Answers!” Rey was nearly shouting. “You shut me out. For months. Compared to me, that’s nothing. The only time I hear from you is for something that _you_ need. Where were you when I was recovering? What happened?”

“I got scared, all right?!” He started stalking around the room. “You were so hurt and I did it. I did it, Rey. I blamed myself for everything. It was my fault if your career was ruined. I already told you all this! And I ran away. I hate myself for it but we can talk about this now. I got some help, I started doing other stuff besides skating. I wanted to give you space. Then when you were better, I thought we could start being better too.”

She shook her head. “All of that sounds so selfish. I needed help, Finn, right then and there. I had practically no one until I found Luke and Kylo.”

“So he’s not an asshole anymore?” He narrowed his eyes at her. “Kylo Ren is just using you to get what he wants. And if you are sleeping with him…”

“I am not sleeping with him!” She exclaimed. “Why do you even care about something like that? _We_ are a team now, Finn, not you and me. I think about you all the time and miss you but I can’t deal with this right now and for the past few weeks I’ve been training so much and...”

He took a deep breath. “But maybe one day? Like you said before? That seems pretty far away right now.”

She felt tears starting to sting her eyes. She nodded. She was still angry but she didn’t want to lose him forever. She really had pushed him away again but it felt like the right thing to do. She’d listened to Kylo and it seemed to work. She felt less sorry for herself. She’d started seeing the work he had done for some blogs and his writing was okay. Right now, she wished she could undo everything she’d just said and tell him that instead. She looked up at him and blinked, feeling a tear fall down her face. He pulled her into a loose hug that she half-heartedly returned. He pulled away, wiping her cheek.

“Look, peanut, I was terrible to you. I don’t want to see you get hurt again, off the ice or on it,” he seemed to mean what he said. Rey could only nod, not wanting to cry fully in front of him.

“Happy birthday, I’ll call you soon,” he looked at her hopefully. “Maybe pick up this time?” She gave him a small smile and he left.

Once again, she collapsed by the door of her apartment and wanted to cry. The reactions of the two men had drained her emotionally. She rubbed her eyes and stood up. She picked up the medium sized package and opened the flowered wrapping paper. Inside was a new pair of headphones.

As she was staring at the gift—which was fine, of course—she reached to touch the brooch she had received in that very kitchen only a day ago. This had been the best birthday she’d ever had. If Kylo could keep acting like this, she was confident they were going to be champions. She hoped that it wasn’t just an act as well and that he genuinely meant all of this and cared about her.

Maybe it was a good thing they didn’t kiss after all. They still had a long summer to get through.

 


	13. Summer 2017, Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo accidentally injures Rey. She is even more hurt to discover it's his birthday. See author's notes for warnings!

**Late July — Hartford, Conn.**

He was sprawled out on the ice, breathing heavily. Eventually, he slammed his fists down and shouted. “God dammit!”

Rey had brought herself up to her knees, feeling a distinct shortness of breath. She coughed and it ached throughout her chest. “It wasn’t my fault,” she choked out.

“Did I say it was your fault?!” He turned to shout at her. “That was all my fucking fault.”

The lift had ended with a hard drop to the ice. The quad throw was starting to come together, but they were suddenly having trouble with a simple lift. Rey felt her breath not really coming back to her and she had been winded. She knew her ribs were bruised too. She wasn’t sure if they were broken or not. There was still more than a month left before another planned event, but since her birthday things had changed. Everything would work perfectly, and then he would get a frustrated look on his face and training would falter for a couple days. It felt like an endless cycle of skating, flailing, and then skating again as a team. Rey was beginning to feel exhausted from all of it.

Slowly, Rey got up, but every movement hurt. She reached to help him up and he complied. She held his hand lightly when he got to his feet.

“You can talk to me,” she softly said, despite her own pain. “If something’s wrong.”

He exhaled, roughly. “Yeah, it’s just…”

“You’re exhausted.” She reached out to touch his shaking arms. He leaned against her and sighed again. She nearly winced at the pressure.

“We’re not good enough yet,” he said, closing his eyes. “We need to keep going.”

“No, not if it’s starting to really hurt you,” she quickly shot a look over to Luke and shook her head. She wanted to cough again but was afraid of the pain. It was like he didn’t notice. Kylo had turned away, skating a small angry circle with his hands on his hips.

“I can work harder,” he finally said again. “We’ll go again.”

Rey bit her lip. It was already later in the day. They could and should stop now. She shook her head, finally letting the pain take over. She hunched over, holding her middle.

“I think I bruised my ribs,” she admitted when he turned to face her. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

With the adrenaline, she had been able to ignore some of the pain for a couple of moments; plus, she had been so focused on him. But when his face dropped with concern about his mistake, she got a flashback to Finn and the deep discomfort spread throughout her chest. Both the pain and the memory of being abandoned seemed to cut her to the bone and she started to quiver.

“That shouldn’t have happened,” he moved to put his hands on her hips and she flinched again. “I caught an edge. I _shouldn’t_ have caught an edge.”

“Please, Kylo, it’s okay,” she winced. “I think we’re done for today.”

She wanted to get off of the ice and felt him start to lead her off of it. He took her hand and guided her. So it was one of those days where he would be kind and caring again. She could deal with this emotional whiplash for a little bit longer. They reached where Luke sat and he looked at them with concern.

Luke pressed his hands to her ribs and hissed. “This one could be broken, Rey.”

She felt tears start to sting her eyes as he touched her. “I hate the hospital.”

Sighing deeply, Luke pulled out his phone. “I’ll call Dr. Ackbar. He’s got times at his private practice. We can get you checked out sooner than the emergency room and it will be easier to fix the insurance.”

Kylo strangely kept his hand on her hip the entire time, standing close to her. It was almost like he was trying to protect her. Luke was speaking either to Ackbar or his secretary a few meters away and Kylo pulled her into a hug. It hurt, but she tried not to react.

“I should’ve told you that it’s my birthday,” he mumbled into her hair. “I think that’s why everything’s been…off.”

She blinked, trying to process the information. He was really good at keeping secrets. She still didn’t bring up that she knew about the accident. She also knew about Kylo and Luke’s other past lives now. She was still slightly hurt that neither of them had told them they were related. She still wondered what had happened with Snoke and everything else he had tainted. Having him hold her close at times would make her body react, but it also made her so confused simultaneously. What was he doing?

Luke returned, looking somewhat satisfied. Kylo had pulled away but was still holding her hand. “He’s got time, let’s go. Rey, you can’t go around in pain and not tell anyone.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not him.”

Kylo looked at her with slight humor in his eyes but also seemed to look offended. She felt her body getting stiff so she couldn’t really shower or change. She felt like her breathing was getting shallower. Kylo had to take off her skates. She felt like an infant, trying to catch her breath.

Luke drove them to the doctor’s office. She was thankful that they both didn’t follow her into the examination room, the way they were acting.

Ackbar smacked his lips as he checked her midsection and chest. He’d been the club doctor for years and she was thankful she didn’t have to see him that often again. “There is some bruising, but not that much. See here? There is some swelling, but it doesn’t feel that serious. We can get an x-ray, but I think that if you rest for the next two weeks, you shouldn’t feel that much pain. Tylenol will work. What do you think? Should I talk to Luke too?”

She felt immense pain pulling her shirt back on, and it felt nearly impossible, but she wanted to trust his judgment. She felt exhausted when her shirt was back on. “No, if you think it won’t be a bigger problem…”

“Here’s what I think and what I know. You should come back in two weeks after resting. _No skating_. And then we’ll see you again and decide if you need an x-ray down at the hospital,” he blinked at her from his overly large eyes. “Good?”

“Yeah, good,” she replied. She shook his hand and left the room, still moving gingerly. The waiting room was half filled with other athletes—mostly football players, both American and standard—when she emerged.

Luke went to talk to Ackbar anyway in private after she had rejoined them. They were speaking intensely when Kylo frowned at her.

“You should have gotten an x-ray,” he mumbled. “What if they’re broken.”

She shook her head. “It is starting to feel better. I’m not that short of breath anymore.”

He could only shake his head again. He didn’t say anything until Luke returned. He said pretty much the same thing as Ackbar while Kylo glared at him. She was trying to convince herself she was starting to feel better, although her ribs ached. At least she could almost breathe again.

“I’ll take you home,” Luke said to her as they went out to the parking lot. “You need to rest and I think that the both of you could use a break. Watch some training videos or something. We’ll figure things out in two weeks.”

Rey felt so disappointed that she would be costing them time that tears were starting to rise in her eyes. Kylo cleared his throat.

“You can take us back to the rink and I can take care of her,” his voice was neutral but slightly challenging. It wasn’t his usual tone of aggression.

Luke narrowed his eyes, but didn’t say anything. Without another word, they went to Luke’s little red truck and he took them back to the rink. Kylo held her throughout the entire ride and she leaned into him; the entire time she felt numb. They gathered their things in relative silence and Luke reminded them to take it easy. She felt her face redden at the warning. Kylo took over, again trying to take care of her but some how making it awkward this time. He seemed overly nervous and guilty.

He took her to her apartment to grab some things before telling her that the shower at his place was better. Fine, whatever. She grabbed some extra clothes and her makeup bag. Every move felt like pure pain but truthfully her breathing was getting better, even after the few hours since her fall. What was more annoying was how he couldn’t seem to leave her alone. He was watching her pack and didn’t really say anything. It was like he was looming over her and she was starting to get frustrated with him.

It was his birthday. He had kept one more thing from her and apparently it was something important to him. It was so hard to trust him and he still seemed to want to keep things from her. It almost made her hurt more than her ribs. What was his problem? He wouldn’t have known her birthday if Luke hadn’t told him. She felt slightly bad for not knowing, since it was public information, but she wouldn’t let the guilt take over. She just focused on her breathing.

Kylo didn’t seem to have a plan for his birthday, like the one that he had planned for her. That day still filled her with warmth, although it was hard to breathe right now. He looked at her awkwardly when she asked him what he was thinking about.

“Today has been a nightmare.” He sounded distant. “Rey, I never meant to hurt you.”

She felt frustrated. He had dropped her before in practice. It wasn’t like the first time when it was out of arrogance that he could just power through whatever he was dealing with in his head. Now, it just felt like normal small mistakes that every team made. He couldn’t seem to understand that it was just a part of training.

“Kylo, I…” she sighed. “I’m sorry I don’t have anything planned. You gave me a great day and I…”

He shook his head the second she started to speak. “Rey, I didn’t tell you. It’s fine. If you’re not hurting too much, we can do what I had planned and thought to ask you about.”

She narrowed her eyes in question. “What’s that?”

He shrugged, still having trouble meeting her eyes. “I’ll make you dinner. We can…talk. It’s nothing spectacular but I…I really hate my birthday. It's like a ticking clock that my career won't be much longer. Maybe that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

He looked so nervous that she wondered if it was about her fall, his birthday, or everything at once. She wasn’t used to seeing him uncertain. She slowly nodded.

“Kylo, I’ve had bruised ribs before. It’s hard to breathe for a while, and then it goes away,” she said, firmly. “You can stop looking at me like I’m broken.”

Again, he sighed. The midday sun hit a crystal charm she had hung from her window years ago and cast a rainbow against his face. Her apartment never really felt like a home but the charm made things a little warmer. She couldn’t decide how he looked, attractive or not, because the colors were distracting her.

“I know you’re not broken,” he said, sharply. “It’s just been awhile since I’ve…hurt anyone.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’ve dropped me plenty of times.”

“Yes but not like this!” He seemed to be taking every word to heart and snapped at her. She just wanted to go find a place to sleep and a way to lay down that didn’t hurt her body. Why did he decide now to freak out? She felt herself starting to cry at his outburst and couldn’t really keep it in.

“Kylo, please,” was all she could gasp out.

He moved near her, but didn’t touch her. It was like he was suddenly afraid of it. “I’m sorry.”

“Can we just go?” she said. “I’m so tired.”

Slowly, he nodded. He helped her with her bags and they went back to his place. His couch was clean and more comfortable than hers. Maybe it was a good idea to be here after all. The last time she had injured her ribs, her couch had felt awful to rest on. The part she couldn’t deal with was his nervous pacing.

“Kylo?”

He shook his head. “Are you going to rest now?”

She nodded.

“Good, I’m going to go for a run and then buy groceries,” he said, the words practically spilling out of his mouth. He rarely spoke so fast but slowed down when he opened his mouth again. “Are you okay here?”

She nodded again. “Yeah, you have a nice couch.”

He looked like he didn’t hear her but shook his head up and down anyway. He pulled off his shirt in the kitchen and then stalked to his bedroom to change fully. At this point, Rey craved the time alone. Her body ached and he was adding to the tension. When he came back out, he was in his running gear, shoving his phone into its holder on his arm, headphones already plugged in.

“Don’t go anywhere.”

That was his last command before leaving her alone again.

The last few hours came crashing down upon her and Rey started to cry. He was having some problem he couldn’t deal with and that ended up hurting her. Luke still handed her off to him without a real question. That part also made her ache. Who could she trust?

Surprisingly, after crying for a few minutes, she started to feel sleepy. At first, she was worried it was another concussion. But it felt different this time so it didn’t really feel the same. There was no nausea. There was no dizziness. There was just a steady ache in her chest. She hoped most of it was from her ribs.

She napped, taking in the sunshine spilling in from the large windows. It felt good to sleep away the last parts of the doctor visit. She floated lightly in her dream space, realizing she was thinking about him. He would sweep her off her feet, kissing her deeply. They were skating for a gold medal and he would kiss her instead. When she woke up an hour later she was actually worried that she was concussed.

He returned, shirtless, sweating, and panting. He moved to his fridge and grabbed a bottle of water. He practically inhaled a liter in several large gulps. She knew how he could drive himself into the ground and was getting increasingly distressed by his actions.

“Hey.” She said.

“Hey.” He replied. “I’m going to shower then head out again.”

She nodded, not really replying. There wasn’t much she could say. She was mostly focused on trying to figure out how to calm him down and to make him feel good. She didn’t have the money or the resources that he did to make his birthday something special, and didn’t have the time to get him a present. She felt annoyed with herself when he emerged from the washroom, dressed. He didn’t look at her as he left the apartment again.

Rey instantly regretted thinking about trying to make him happy. Why did she keep doing these things for him?

When he returned with groceries, he actually looked at her again.

“Do you want to shower?” He asked, causing her to remember that she hadn’t taken one earlier. Although she was attracted to him, the idea of him undressing her at this point made her feel a little unsettled. But she would really like to shower and take her sleep and the day off of her. It felt like she was back in her apartment, injured and not showering, needing Jessika to force her to do it, when she was left alone those months ago.

“Yeah,” she nodded. She couldn’t think of a nice way to tell him that she didn’t want him to follow her, so she let him guide her to the washroom.

He seemed to feel her tension and shook his head. “I can help you, but if you don’t want me to be here, I don’t have to be.”

She started to blink back sudden tears, catching their reflection in the mirror. “I’m scared, Kylo.”

He hugged her in the slight humidity of the washroom that was lingering from his earlier shower. “Why?”

She shook her head and slightly pushed him away. “We skate well, and then we skate bad. You feel good, and then you feel bad. It’s like I’m stuck in between and can’t control anything.”

Kylo took two or three deep breaths before he shook his head. “That’s all true.”

“Can you leave me alone for a while?” She asked. “I just need help with my shirt and…bra. But you have to close your eyes.”

He looked offended but didn’t object. He simply closed his eyes and reached out his hands.

It was strangely both the most erotic and pained moment in her life. She guided his hands to her shirt hem and then let go. He started to gently lift, even though she hissed in pain when he lifted it off of her. With his eyes still closed, after casting her shirt aside, he stretched his hands out again. Her midsection was aching but God, did he look guilty and attractive in that moment. His eyes were pressed closed, and he didn’t look like he was about to speak any time soon. The only sound was their breathing and the fan from the ceiling of the bathroom.

She could only gently lift her arms so taking off her shirt had hurt. When she reached out for his hands again, he met her awkwardly. She brought them towards her body and nearly held her breath. She brought them to the clasp of her sports bra and felt her body tighten in another way. She heard him exhale when he touched her body, even with his eyes closed.

“You have to take it off too,” she finally said. “It hurts my shoulders to move.”

He didn’t reply. He only nodded. With sudden precision, he undid the clasp and lifted it off of her gently. She gasped lightly at the lack of pressure on her chest suddenly.

“Did I do something wrong?” He asked, letting her bra fall to the floor beside her shirt.

“No, it just felt off, I…” she suddenly realized that she had started to feel pain moving up and down. Could she really ask this of him? Her face got hot and his eyelids didn’t budge. Maybe she could trust him?

“Your pants,” he finally said. “I can do that too.”

She flushed entirely. “I’d do the same for you.”

He managed a smile. “Maybe I will ask you to do that one day when my knee gives out finally.”

Once again, he reached out his hands. She reached out to guide them to her hips. He placed his hands around the edges of both her pants and panties, looping them with his thumbs. God, she realized, he would smell her. He would smell how much she wanted him. It was both a turn on and a turn off. What if she smelled bad? They had been skating all day, after all.

He grasped the edge of her training pants and her underwear. He slowly dragged everything towards the floor. A small part of her wanted him to be practically naked in that moment too. She shivered a little, in pain and suddenly lacking clothing with him, standing with his eyes closed in front of her.

“Rey?”

“It’s…it’s fine.”

She looked at him and even though she still had trouble breathing she wanted to throw herself at him. She could see his well-formed chest and saw how his strong arms shaped the sleeves of his shirt. She had been naked in front of teammates before, but not like this.

“Turn around and you can go now.”

He turned as quickly as she spoke. He reached for the door and was gone so swiftly that it left her shocked. Was this out of respect or fear?

She figured out his shower and then quickly rinsed her body. It hurt too much to do more than lightly moving her hands. She didn’t bother washing her hair, just dampening it instead. This shower was more about making her body feel a little more normal and she was thinking about things that were not their routines. He had nice smelling soap; there was a hint of lavender but it wasn’t overwhelming. She suddenly realized that she would end up smelling like him after this.

She finished her shower and stepped out of the stall. He had some how placed a new towel on the closed toilet seat without her noticing it. The room was foggy from her shower and she smiled at the gesture. She hurt so much but realized that she might be able to trust him to help dress her. It was still hard to think about. Maybe she really was concussed with the way she was reasoning.

She toweled off, slowly recognizing how much she was in pain again. She wrapped the large purple towel around her and stepped out. After opening the door, she got his attention. He was sitting on his couch, on his laptop. He was watching some of their practice from a few weeks ago. He saw her and stood up.

“How did it go?”

She shrugged and then winced at the dull pain. “I hate to ask, but can you help me?”

He stood there, looking blank. “I can’t put on a bra.”

He looked so panicked that she actually laughed. It hurt, but she still laughed. “I don’t really have any breasts. I don’t really need a bra to hang out here.”

Kylo still looked at her with a bit of pain. “You’ll have to help me again.”

“It’s fine,” she said. “I’ve had medical people help me, or see me naked. You can stop being so bashful.”

“I’m not a doctor, I’m your partner,” he narrowed his eyes. “Where are your clothes?”

She pointed to her bag. “I actually brought a button up dress. I won’t have to lift my arms over my head like with my shirt. It’s easier to put on when you’re injured.”

He nodded and picked up the bag. “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

He met her eyes and then reached into the bag, pulling out a pair of faded grey panties. God, why didn’t she pack something sexier? She nodded. In the middle of his living room area, he dropped to his knees and she stepped into them. He glided them up her body until he was caressing her bottom under the towel. Her breathing may have been restricted but her heart could still beat quicker.

“Next?” He asked, his voice strained, removing his hands from under her towel. He had done a good job not grabbing her ass, bit he had still touched her everywhere.

She exhaled so hard that it hurt.

Letting the towel fall away, she closed her eyes. She heard him gasp and could guess that he looked away. She gestured towards the light button up sundress in her bag. Moving slowly, he slipped her into it, accidentally brushing against her breasts as he buttoned up the delicate yellow and white checker-patterned fabric. He mumbled a sorry. To his credit, he didn’t linger. It wasn’t a perfect fit, but he had done it. His hands had felt certain and she was determined not to look at him. She felt herself getting more and more turned on, thinking about watching him, but met her eyes.

It was clinical but also overwhelmingly sexy; she knew his hands and seemed to trust that they wouldn’t stray.

“Kylo, I didn’t get you a birthday present,” she said, after he had stepped away. He had excused himself and then returned with a hairbrush.

He finally met her eyes. She could see his hands were still shaking. “You are here. That’s all that matters.”

“What do you want for dinner?” She asked, wishing she had her bee brooch. He gently brushed her wet hair in silence. She also wanted to break the tension between them. Her ribs still hurt but another part of her body was starting to ache too.

“I already brought out some salmon from the freezer and bought everything else,” he said, shortly. “We can make a teriyaki sauce with rice. It isn’t fancy, but it’s good. I’d like to drink some wine too…”

She laughed. “He didn’t give me any serious painkillers. I’d love some wine. It will be good to relax.”

It was late enough so she was almost glad to see the look in his eyes when he next spoke, stopping his brush strokes. “We can open some now, if you want.”

She grinned. “Please.”

“I’ll be right back.”

He disappeared into his bedroom before returning. He had a bottle of red wine that he clearly had kept hidden somewhere else than the regular wine rack. That meant it must be expensive and for a special occasion. She suddenly started to regret saying yes.

“How much does that cost?” She asked. She studied him again. He was wearing a simple pair of black jeans and a white polo shirt. His hair was still falling wildly around his face, as if he hadn’t bothered to fix it that afternoon.

“Does it matter?”

She gave him a small grin. “It is your birthday.”

After opening the cork, he handed her a glass. They sat on the couch and she sipped the wine. She wanted to down the glass to force the pain away, as well as kill the awkwardness between them.

“I’m…I’m sorry for the past few days,” Kylo said. His glass was already half empty. “And I’m sorry I can’t make it up to you properly.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “We should take a trip, or something…Rey, I don’t know anymore.”

She sipped at her wine. It may have been his birthday, but he really needed to start taking care of himself. “Kylo, it's something I want to do for you. If I can’t get you a gift today, I’d like to get you something tomorrow.”

He smiled lightly, finishing his glass. “I need a new summer jacket. Maybe a raincoat. You can get me that.”

She smiled and refilled his glass, ignoring her own. She thought about how simple the gesture would be—to take him shopping—and grinned at the idea. “Deal. I’m sorry it can’t include a ferry ride.”

He took his entire glass in a series of long, quick gulps. She felt afraid as he wiped his mouth to look at her. “Do you know why I hate my parents?”

Did he really hate his parents, she wanted to shoot back but didn’t. He looked like he was out for a fight so she softly shook her head. He refilled his own glass, ignoring hers. She sipped her own—and it was actually good wine—as he downed another mouthful. She might have been in physical pain but was clearly combating something inside him.

“They were never there, but still expected me to be everything to them,” he said, stretching out next to her on the couch. “My mother was either away teaching or at a conference or doing something in the city. Her life seemed to only be the university and her ideals. She had an apartment near campus that was her private domain for writing and research. It was like they never wanted me and I was a failure from the beginning. Maybe I ruined their relationship. My father was always away. _Always_. He was basically retired when I was born but he was doing coaching or scouting or something that was about what _he_ wanted. The fact that I wanted to figure skate instead of hockey, well, he was more than disappointed. He tried to make me play hockey. I didn’t care. And then it just felt like he disappeared. Then I ran away and I’ve been avoiding them since. It’s only been since you that…that it’s changed.”

She swallowed, reaching out to touch his leg. “You must have felt so alone.”

He didn’t move and she was slightly pleased. “Rey, I want to do something stupid tonight.”

She tensed but still asked what.

He snatched up the bottle and started drinking directly from it. “I turn thirty in two years. It’s all almost over.”

She wanted to correct him but instead forced a smile. “Slow down.”

He met her eyes and put it aside. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugged, realizing that it hurt lest now. “I can move now so I know it’s not that bad. Why don’t we make dinner? And drink the last of the wine in _glasses_.”

He actually smiled at her and complied. They split the remaining wine as he let her find the pots and pans in his kitchen. She turned on the rice as she drank a little at a time, trying to let it take her pain way. At least she had convinced him to drink from his glass again. It was early evening by now but she still felt numb from both her injury and his attitude.

They made dinner together. The salmon was easily steamed. They had also made rice and warmed the teriyaki sauce. A bottle of white wine sat on the table now. Rey didn’t feel like drinking more but could force herself for him. She looked happily at the still cooking meal and then back at him.

He stirred the food and made sure nothing overcooked. He was basically trying to keep himself busy and not really talk to her. It wasn’t overly awkward but not exactly comfortable.

“I want to take you shopping for your birthday, I’ve decided,” she said, trying to lighten his mood.

“I’m not going to the mall with you,” he shook his head. “Buy it online like everyone else.”

She laughed. “Come on! The mall is great. I’ll even buy you an Orange Julius.”

He actually chuckled. “Rey, I don’t think those exist anymore.”

She was satisfied with the change in his mood and they set the table. They ate dinner with light conversation and then sat on his balcony. There wasn’t much furniture, aside from a patio loveseat and a glass table. She sat next to him, still holding her wine glass. He put the bottle and his glass on the table.

“It’s a nice evening,” she said, looking out from his view of the city. It was different from the sight from her window and she envied him having a balcony. Rey’s head felt heavy from the wine and from the day. She felt like he expected her to say something and was waiting for it. “Have you had an okay birthday?”

He nodded, moving his arm to settle on her shoulders. She leaned into him and sighed. She had made herself too vulnerable today but he had only flinched, slightly. He seemed to want to open up to her but was having trouble talking to her while dealing with his emotions. Now she had to deal with all of the fallout.

Without a word, he leaned down and kissed her, surprising her. She opened her mouth in shock and he deepened the kiss. His breath tasted like wine. She wasn’t prepared for any of this. He kissed her and she let him do it. She scrambled to shift into his arms. He gently picked her up to take her to the sofa, leaving the balcony door open behind them. He hugged her, sighing and gripping as tightly as he dared to do. He laid her down and stretched out next to her. He stopped kissing her to stroke her face.

“I need to tell you something,” he mumbled. She nodded, bringing their bodies closer. Her ribs ached slightly but the surprise kiss had brought back the earlier tension between them when he had dressed her. She was getting even more turned on with him being so close. She stroked down his chest before looking up to meet his eyes.

“Snoke…he beat me when I was a kid.” He said, flatly. “Whenever I made a mistake.”

She shook her head. “Kylo, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay,” he shrugged. “We all got it. He seemed to hate us but still needed us for his reputation, or something. I wouldn’t be where I am today without him but it was grueling and I…”

He trailed off and she kissed him gently again. He seemed like he wanted to say more but she knew how hard it was to talk about abuse.

“I’ve told you before that I know exactly what that’s like,” she said after she broke the kiss. “You can’t live in fear for so long and not be changed by it.”

“Rey, there’s so much more I want to tell you. I can’t always find the words,” he kissed her cheek. “I can’t believe that you’re here.”

There was one thing that came to Rey’s mind with his secrets. She slowly took a deep and long breath. “What happened with the accident?”

Jerking back, he looked at her fiercely for a second before he understood that some one must have told her. “How do you know about that?”

“Maz told me,” she mumbled, snuggling closer to him.

He nodded against her. “Rey, I’m…I don’t want you to hate me.”

“Why would I hate you?”

He shifted, forcing her to sit up. She hated every motion of it, feeling two types of painful tension.

He looked into the distance again but held her hand. “What did Maz tell you?”

“That you were driving in New York. That two of your teammates died after a truck hit you. I know that it all must hurt but I still don’t understand why you hate Luke for it?” She asked, honestly. Her voice had been slow and steady. What else was she supposed to say?

“I killed them.”

“What?”

“I killed them!” He suddenly shouted, jumping to his feet and scaring her. “Nobody knows the truth, but it was all my fault!”

“Kylo, what? Calm down, please.” She tried not to let the fear creep into her voice, but it did shake when she spoke.

“It’s actually Luke’s fault, he let it happen.” He stood across the room, fists clenched.

Rey was trying to figure out how to calm him down when he suddenly sobbed. She stood, moving gingerly.

“Hey, come here,” she hugged him and he wrapped his arms around her.

“You have to believe me,” he whispered, tears shaping his words.

She nodded. “You have to tell me what happened. Please sit down.”

She led him back to the couch and made him sit down. There were unshed tears in his eyes when he spoke.

“I was an idiot teenager. I already thought I was better than everyone else and Luke couldn’t really control my attitude,” he spoke slowly and lowly. “There was another pair of skaters that went with us, Jyn and Cassian. They were older than I was. We normally didn’t go to these smaller events but I think Luke was trying to teach me something. Obviously, I didn’t learn my lesson.”

He paused and she gripped his hand. She silently watched him and wondered if he was replaying the events in his mind.

“The weather was shitty even before we left. I wanted to show off so I insisted that we go,” he said before frowning. “Jyn and Cassian wanted to go too but I think they were just trying to keep me happy.”

She moved and got their glasses. Leaving his warm form left her aching. When she returned, he took a long drink before continuing.

“We skated that afternoon. Quite a few people didn’t show up because of the weather, but they didn’t cancel the event. It all seems so stupid when you think about it. Why didn’t they just cancel it? It wasn’t a big event to begin with,” he mumbled the last part. “It was time to go home and I was full of myself. I wanted to get home as soon as we could, I forget why. We packed everything up and it started to snow really hard. Luke was driving as carefully as possible but I complained about how slow he was going the entire drive. I was purposely trying to distract him and annoy him. I was so stupid.

“I was yelling at him about something and when he turned to tell me to shut up, the van hit the ice,” he paused. “I think I made him crash, but he should have had more control.”

Rey took a slow drink of wine, letting the words start to sink in. It really didn’t sound like he had that much to be upset about, but if he’d never talked about the guilt before it must have built up over the years.

“It was shocking to flip over. Everything went white and there was glass everywhere. But we were alive. Jyn had a gash over her eye and Cassian was holding his arm, but we were ok. I undid my seatbelt and climbed out, angry at myself and Luke and upset at being in pain. I couldn’t put any weight on my leg and I was more worried about skating again than my teammates. I could hear them calling out, saying that their belts were stuck or something," he looked very distant and a tear slipped down his face. “I started shouting at Luke and pushed him away from the crash. I think I was already taller than him. He wanted to help them but I was blocking him. It was snowing so hard and I had blood in my eyes…”

He trailed off and suddenly looked blank when he spoke again.

“We didn’t hear the truck until it crashed into the van. It was like watching a can being ripped open. I’ll never forget the sound. The metal creaking and smashing together seemed to be everywhere. The truck plowed them into a tree off the road. It was like the earth was being torn apart, ripping up the white snow. The whole thing burst into flames and we couldn’t do anything. It was so hot that I thought that I was on fire too,” he shook his head, lost in the memory. “They died because of me. I killed them.”

Rey took both of his hands and shook her head fiercely. “Kylo, no. You could have saved them but you would have been in the van too when it hit. Think about it. You could have died too. It was a terrible accident that you couldn’t prevent. The roads, the ice, the truck...it was a tragic chain of events. You can’t blame yourself…or Luke.”

He looked at her with intensity. “Snoke knows I didn’t help them. He uses it against me. He makes me hate myself.”

“Stop letting him control you,” she replied. “You’re the one that always talks about putting things in the past. You need to mourn your friends but you can’t let your guilt blind you from the fact that it was an accident. Anyone could have reacted the way you did.”

He leaned forward to cup her face and kiss her again before pulling away. “I’m sorry for telling you all of this when you’re hurt.”

“I’m here for you,” she answered instantly. “We’ve both got some healing to do.”

He nodded and yawned. She suddenly felt exhaustion sweep over her. She made him get up and brush his teeth. They let the dishes stay where they were, but she did move their wine glasses aside while he was in the washroom. Sleepily and with caution, she unbuttoned her dress and let it fall to the floor. She noticed that it still hurt to move, but not as bad. She pulled on a pair of shorts and put on a button-up pajama top. He returned and looked at her with something like disappointment that he didn’t get to dress her again.

She brushed her teeth and washed her face. She didn’t know where the rest of the night was going but hoped that he would just let her sleep. Sex wasn’t really on her mind at this point.

She returned to the couch and noticed he was already lying there, under a thin blanket. The lights were turned out, aside from the glow of the clock under the shelf below the television. He looked at her with raised eyebrows when she curled up next to him.

“You can have my bed,” he said. “You don’t have to sleep here.”

“It feels right,” she answered, cuddling up to him. “Goodnight, Kylo. Thank you for telling me everything.”

“Thank you for listening,” he mumbled into her hair. He practically whispered the next part. “You make me want to be a better person.”

“That’s good,” she replied. “You’re getting there.”

He nodded and she closed her eyes. Rey instantly fell asleep, overwhelmed by emotion, wine, and her still lingering pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter again contains some sexual descriptions and depictions of drinking. I'm sorry for doing this to them.


	14. 2017 Nebelhorn Trophy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo finally talk about the aftermath of his birthday at a major competition that pits them against Hux and Phasma.

**Late September — Nebelhorn Trophy, Oberstdorf, Germany**

The season started hard and fast, but Kylo defiantly thought that they were ready. The rest of the summer had been spent training and performing whenever they could. The first real challenge had been at the U.S. International Classic in Salt Lake City. He admittedly was pleased with finishing fourth because they were a new team and other than some minor hype, they weren’t really expected to succeed so quickly. They hadn’t landed the quad, but they were nearly there. Next was the Autumn Classic in Montreal. This time they had slipped a little, dropping to sixth. Still no quad. Rey had fallen on two jumps and he had fallen hard on a jump too. They felt a little beat up and sorry for themselves by the time they reached Germany and the Nebelhorn.

This was a major step in getting to the Olympics. They needed to secure the USA spot at the Games in pairs. While they wouldn’t be guaranteed a spot if they earned the qualification, since that was up to the sectionals and US Championship results and the committees, but it was absolutely crucial that they be polished and focused. They had to beat the other American team as well to put them in a good position to make the team.

And they were still a little off that goal.

Not by much, but they were still just not as equal as the other teams. They were close but their newness still showed.

He sat with Rey and Luke in a small pub, not far from their hotel. They were going over their routine and discussing the long program. They were sitting fifth overall, ahead of the other US team. That was acceptable but he still wanted them to push themselves a little harder. They just needed to finish in the top ten to earn the spot but he still wanted to prove something more…

Rey was sipping on a coke and he had taken a single beer earlier before switching to water. German beer was good but he needed to solve the problem with their skating. It was a while ago since he had been in Europe so he missed some of the things about being around multi-lingual people. He needed to improve his German but it was good enough to get around town.

“The scores are okay, but I think they were unfair about the triple flip,” Rey complained. “They docked us for no reason.”

“It was probably you,” he teased, lightly. “They probably hate you.”

She flicked the empty paper from her straw at him. She’d nervously balled it up earlier when they sat down. It felt good to almost be able to relax around her again. He had other things to worry about.

Hux and Phasma were there at the tournament. They were sitting second-last overall so they were not happy, but still seemed to look at him with superiority. They had skated in the same warm-up group so they had had to share the ice during the few minutes they had to warm up. Somewhere in the building, Snoke must have been watching them and him. He was sure the old man would avoid meeting him but it still made him cringe at every lurking shadow.

Luke eventually sighed and stood. “I think it’s time to go back. Tomorrow’s going to be another long day. I need to take a long walk before bed. I need some ideas on how to help you.”

“You two are acting like we’re losing,” Rey said, with a frown.

“We might as well be,” Luke mumbled before he left them alone.

She rolled her eyes. “Maybe we should have left in retirement.”

“There’s still time to force him into it again,” he said before sighing. “I also think we’re doing okay. I always want to win but…if it makes you feel better…we’re okay.”

“But we can’t just be _okay_?” She asked with a small smirk. She met his eyes for a little too long before speaking again. “Can we…take a walk and talk?”

He felt his stomach tighten.

They still hadn’t really talked openly about the end of his birthday. They had awoken together in his living room and he felt awful about everything. She was still in pain and winced sitting up. The previous day had come crashing down hard and he felt completely off balance. He wanted to send her home in a taxi but didn’t say so. He let her shower first and _thankfully_ she didn’t need him to undress or redress her. Touching her naked form had broken his resolve and made him admit how attracted he was to her again. It was like she had given him a gift that he had to be careful not to break. The brief glimpse of her breasts was almost too much.

He had written a long text that evening and deleted it. He didn’t want to avoid her but at the same time he didn’t know how exactly to explain that it had been a mistake. He had been sitting on the balcony and thought about how he kissed her for the first time and wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to want to again.

He dropped by twice over the course of the next two weeks to cook for her. She seemed to appreciate it and didn’t seem to want to press him into answers. The first time he came over he casually mentioned that maybe some time apart would be good so she could focus on her recovery. She looked a little hurt but also agreed. He came by the next day to make dinner again and she brought up the idea again and said that she could accept the break if it was about her injury and not the other part. He lied and said that it was. It wasn’t totally untruthful, but he had to get her to believe it. So, two weeks came and went. She had her x-ray and everything was fine. She slowly returned to skating and things felt fine on the ice. Off the ice, they returned to their previous state. They never crashed on one another’s couches again so that was dialed back a little.

Then the season started and their personal life was no longer their top priority. He guessed now she finally had her chance to ask him about it and he secretly groaned at her timing.

They walked around the main square in the town. The Bavarian Alps surrounded the town, towering over them. He wished he had more time to tour around with her.

“How have you been?” She asked. He knew what she meant.

“I’ve been…better,” he replied. “Since we talked about the accident.”

She nodded. “Good.”

He kept his hands in his coat pocket, avoiding holding her hand. It had been months and he could still remember how smooth her skin had been underneath his hands and how sweet her mouth tasted.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“For what?”

“For not talking about it earlier and for going so long without really bringing it up again.”

She stopped walking and touched his arm to get him to stop and turn to face her. “Kylo, I think about it all the time. We…we spend a lot of time together and have a very physical routine. It would be strange if we weren’t attracted to one another.”

“We need to focus on skating,” he finally said. “That’s what’s important now.”

He caught a slight sadness flash across her face and then slowly nodded. “Skating first.”

“It wasn’t a mistake,” he quickly said. “Just…bad timing.”

She quickly grinned. “Would you feel better if we didn’t talk about this again?”

He nodded. “I mean, I…maybe until we’re off the road at the end of the season.”

She dropped her eyes for a second before meeting his again. That was so many months away. He winced at his own words before she replied. “Yeah.”

“So do we have a deal?” He asked, feeling incredibly lame and trying to keep that feeling from showing in his tone.

She smiled and reached out her hand. “Deal.”

He shook her hand and she was still smiling at him. Maybe she was faking it, but she seemed to be somewhat relieved by the conversation. He should have asked her more often how she actually felt. She pulled him into a quick hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. He shivered at the motion, despite the fact that they hugged all of the time on the ice.

“Kylo Ren!”

A familiar and dreaded voice called his name across the square. He still held onto Rey and didn’t want to move, instead he whispered in her ear.

“Whatever you do, don’t let them get to you.”

“Who?” She asked, pulling away. She looked around and finally saw who had called to him.

Crossing the square towards them were Hux and Phasma. Hux was wearing a ridiculously puffy coat for the time of year and Phasma looked arrogant and aloof as they neared them. Hux had an overly satisfied look on his face for some one who was almost last and had fallen five times in his routine and pulled out of more jumps than he had landed. Kylo balled his fists and glared.

“Nice to run into you two again,” Hux extended his hand. “We haven’t been formally introduced. I’m Armitage Hux.”

Rey looked at it suspiciously and returned the handshake. “I’m Rey Niima.”

Phasma simply gave her a small wave of her gloved hand. “Phashestha Mumford. Just never call me that.”

“What would you rather be called?” Rey asked, confused by the taller woman.

“It’s Phasma.” Kylo added. “You should just change it by now.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well then I’d be like you and we can’t have that.”

“I thought you two would already be in bed,” Hux teased with a serious look. “Would you like to join us for a drink?”

“We’re still in contention, not at the bottom,” Kylo snapped. “We don’t have time for that.”

Rey glanced between the two men and looked confused. Kylo wanted to get her out of there before Hux said something stupid. They hadn’t spoken in months but he was willing to bet that he had some select things that he wanted to drop on Rey to throw them off their rhythm and damage their relationship.

“Come on, we will hardly see one another tomorrow,” he prodded. “Rey, I would love to know where you are from. Phasma and I are from London.”

Kylo noticed the look that settled over Rey’s face. “I’m from nowhere.”

“We’re all from somewhere,” Phasma added.

“South Yorkshire is nowhere, compared to London,” Rey stated, firmly.

Hux laughed a little too hard. “You don’t sound like you come from there.”

She narrowed her eyes. “You don’t sound like you come from London. You sound more Irish.”

He shook his head, narrowing his eyes at her. “Is that supposed to offend me? You need better material. Come on, even if you don’t have a drink, we should at least sit down and talk. Maybe figure out where Rey is from after all. It won’t take all night.”

“No,” Kylo said firmly.

“Come on, I can still put a good word in with Snoke,” Hux met his eyes, challenging him. “He still might take you back…”

“Rey, come on, let’s go.” Just the mention of the name made him nervous, so he grabbed Rey’s hand and stalked across the square, towards the hotel. He shoved Hux as he went, practically knocking him to the ground. He didn’t let go of her hand until they were practically at the hotel. She had to practically run in the beginning to keep up with him but she didn’t complain until the last part of the walk.

“Okay, I don’t think they’re following us now,” she pulled her hand away. “What was that?”

He turned away from her and sat down roughly on a bench. Underneath the streetlight, she joined him, looking at him with her caring eyes. It must have hurt to hear the rejection, or whatever it was, earlier in the evening and she was still here, trying to support him. He really shouldn’t have let her get this close. He didn’t deserve her. They were in such beautiful surroundings but all he could focus on was her and his own issues. He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Hux also trains through Snoke, using some of his trainers in Europe,” he huffed. “He constantly bothers me at tournaments. We have trained together a couple of times and it was aggravating. I didn’t want to talk to him at this tournament, and not at any of the other tournaments they’ve been at. He’s arrogant with no real right to be so. And he just annoys me. Mentioning Snoke just made me…I don’t know. Angry.”

“I…I understand,” she nodded. “It sounds awful what he did to you.”

He shook his head, conflicted by his own feelings. “It was…challenging. But it really made me a better skater and I can’t forget that. Plus, the sponsors were always there and there was never a problem with money or equipment. When he left me alone, I had control of my destiny. It was just when I was younger that it…hurt.”

She lightly took his hand, squeezing it. “Kylo, we’ve all got ghosts and pains in the past. I still think about my parents all of the time. They just left me and never looked back. I’ve tried to track them down but it never really worked. I don’t know if they are alive or dead. I wish some of the foster parents I had were not alive anymore, but they were just plain bad people. Snoke is a bad person and a dreadful coach but that doesn’t mean you have to accept the idea that you didn’t get yourself to this point.”

He shook his head. “He has resources that would be nice to have.”

Everything bubbled up in his chest and he tried to find the way to talk to her more about Snoke. He wanted to really let her know everything but still held back. There was always some excuse. Now, it was the balance in their personal relationship and their skate the next day. She didn’t hate him at this point and that felt like something he could live with. He was tired of feeling alone and he appreciated her attention.

“Come on,” she said, lightly tugging at his hand. “Let’s go before your friends find us again.”

He groaned and followed her to their room. She was right. Tomorrow was going to take a lot out of them. And he was still digesting their conversation from earlier. Skating had to come first. He couldn’t let this overwhelm his common sense and competitive spirit.

Once they were upstairs and changed, she was scrolling through her phone while sitting on her bed. He realized that she was wearing the same shorts and top that she had worn at his apartment. He really wanted to regret that slip up and telling her everything but part of it was almost comforting. She was giggling at something probably stupid so he didn’t bother asking but she turned to show him anyway.

“Look at this stupid tweet,” she handed him her phone.

He didn’t understand what was funny about a tiny dog sitting on a subway, paired with Journey lyrics. He faked a smile and handed back her phone.

“Yes, that is stupid,” he replied.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Come on, Kylo. Relax a little. Things aren’t that bad.”

“Hmm.”

He stretched out on his bed and looked at the ceiling. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her pull out her headphones to listen to music. She had her life and he had crashed into it, forcing himself into a partnership that was somehow working. He was still frustrated with how some of their moves were going, but overall he felt somehow better being on the ice with her than when he was alone. It was like he had to push himself harder to make her satisfied and happy. Truthfully, he never thought he would be capable of all of this. Everyone else seemed to think that too in the beginning, but now they were showing them wrong by placing strongly.

He wasn’t sure why he was frustrated as he fell asleep about an hour later. Maybe it was the smug look on Hux face when he caught them in the embrace. He’d texted him and he deleted it without reading it, determined to not be distracted before tomorrow.

He felt slightly robotic, going through the routine the next day. Everything seemed to wash over him as he moved through practice, photographs, short interviews with the media, and everything else that the tournament entailed. He gave some interviews to various European media, slipping easily into a different personality for each. Rey had looked at him with still the slight awe and he never felt like he would get used to seeing her watch him like that.

“You talk more in other languages,” she mumbled when they were waiting for Poe and his ESPN crew to be finished with another skater before their time with him. “Maybe I should learn Russian.”

He snapped his head to look at her. “Rey, that would be a great idea. I’ll teach you.”

She mouthed an exaggerated no as Poe turned and started approaching them. He set his face in a firm line, dreading the camera on them.

“So, guys, how does it feel leading into the long program?” Dameron asked, shifting his weight from side to side. It was like he was nervous. “Kylo, although they had a bad short program, you’re still skating against some skaters from your old coach. How do you feel about skating against Hux and Phasma?”

He stared blankly at the man. “They’re good competitors. We’re going to beat them so it feels like we’re in another league compared to them.”

“But we wish them luck,” Rey piped up. “We wish everyone luck. But we always are more focused on ourselves than the other competitors.”

Poe didn’t look satisfied but nodded anyway. “How did you feel about the triple flip? The quad? Will that hold up today?”

Kylo avoided the question and looked at Rey. She nodded, as if they had developed some way of communicating without speaking. She really liked being on camera. He only liked it for the fame.

“It’s something that’s coming along,” she smiled, looking back at Poe. “I trust my partner.”

There were a few more questions before the interview thankfully ended. When the camera stopped rolling, Poe took his chance to ask something more off of the record directly to Rey. Kylo felt an instant jealously towards the more private action.

“Hey, Rey, did Hux and Phasma give you shit for not skating for the UK?” he asked, acting like it took a while to pack up his phone and notepad.

“It’s not really an issue,” she shrugged. “I’ve got my green card and can apply for citizenship soon. What with Brexit and all, I’d rather not think about where I was born. It’s too hard to switch countries, anyway.”

“Can I get some comments on Brexit? Maybe another time?” He asked, as if realizing that he had other people to interview and a story to write.

“Sure, you have my Skype. Just let me know,” She said, warmly.

He reached out to touch her side as he was walking by and Kylo felt himself see red. How dare he touch her? How dare he touch her _in front_ of him?

“What was that? He Skypes you?” He snapped, letting his jealously take over.

She looked at him sharply. “He’s not actually hitting on me, he does that to everyone. And he has my Skype for interviews. Better than having my actual phone number.”

 _He’d better not have that_ , Kylo thought angrily. But he managed to stop himself from saying it. Instead he tried to count back from ten and get his thoughts under control.

The rest of the afternoon went normally. They were changed now, watching the first warm up flight of skaters circle the rink. Of course they were with Hux and Phasma’s group again. He had seen the man glaring at him from across the rink during most of the lead up. It was impossible to avoid people, but it was possible not to speak to them. Ignoring someone was an even harsher gesture than being actively mean.

The leader board looked tight when they hit the ice for the six-minute warm-up with their flight. They would have to score high to keep their place, but Kylo wanted a higher score anyway. He hated the way Hux skated with Phasma. They were acting like they were better than him and Rey, only because they had skated together for years. Their warm-up was spent skating the small, short practice time before they would compete.

He was focused on Rey. She was having trouble with the throw triple loop suddenly and he was about to get angry with her. It had been fine earlier. They were mainly going through the motions of the jump and she would pull out early, avoiding straining herself now. Finally, it started to feel right. She landed not far from him, looking at him with a grin, gliding backwards.

There was a flash out of the corner of his eyes and suddenly a large red-headed body barreled into her from her right. Rey was sent sprawling hard to the ice. She hadn’t seen Hux coming. He’d elbowed her in the head and she had been struck hard. Kylo saw that he had been skating backwards, but had obviously been moving closer and closer to their area of the ice on purpose.

He was going to kill him.

“What the hell!” Kylo shouted, skating up to the other man, grabbing at his costume with both hands to bring their faces together. He panicked and looked towards Rey, then pushed him away, angrily. Rey was dazed, and still getting to her feet. He didn’t mean to ignore her but _fuck_ he was angry.

He heard a lull from the crowd as Hux turned and shouted back at him. “I didn’t see her! Isn’t that obvious?”

Phasma, to her credit, went over to help Rey up. She was stone faced the entire time, but did help the other skater to her feet. Rey was holding her head and just the thought of a concussion enraged him.

Turning, he got in his face and shouted insults before Rey, Phasma and the other skaters quickly broke them up. He could hear the crowed buzzing, but all he could think about was the sight of Rey getting elbowed in the head. Someone else had hurt her and he couldn’t control himself.

“Kylo, stop it please, I’m okay,” she gasped, pushing him back. Phasma was guiding Hux to the other side of the ice. Kylo just pointed at Hux and glared as if to say that this wasn’t over.

He quickly draped his arm around Rey’s shoulders and asked if she was okay.

“It just shook me up,” she was blinking rapidly. “It was more of a shock than anything. Please believe me.”

He stopped where they were and looked into her eyes. He could feel the crowd and the other skaters’ eyes on them, but he didn’t care. He caught a glimpse of Hux and Phasma leaving the ice and saw everyone else leaving after them. They had to get off the rink soon also but right now, he needed this. He needed just to look at her.

“If he hurt you…” he started to say.

“Please,” she grabbed his arms. “Please stop. I’ll be ready when it’s our turn. I need you to be there too.”

He shakily nodded, letting the thought go. He pulled her into a rough hug and they left the ice, hand in hand.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, when they were finally arranged in the call area. Hux and Phasma had been placed far away from them by the organizers who had obviously seen the incident.

“Don’t be sorry,” she snapped. “Be focused.”

He nodded, tapping into her serious energy. He couldn’t help but wonder if Snoke had been behind this, somehow. He’d caught traces of the man here and there, and knew he was definitely there when he saw that one of the other coaches was talking with Hux and Phasma.

Luke was pacing around the other side of the rink. Kylo almost wished that Maz was with them just so he could have some one else to look at rather than him.

Their warm-up group finally started to perform and he could start to focus on the event again. He wanted to tell Rey every mistake that the other teams were making but he could feel that she was angry at something, which he assumed was him.

“Don’t let them take this from us,” she hissed, finally. They were skating soon. He needed to push the anger away. He had ignored Hux and Phasma’s scores. It would have only made it harder to skate.

“I’m here.”

She looked at him sternly, meeting his eyes. When she finally believed him, she nodded and gripping his leg before turning away. “Good.”

He was still feeling slightly agitated when he stepped out on the ice. He was thinking over the hit rather than routine. That shouldn’t be happening.

“Hey,” she said, stopping quickly. They only had seconds to get to their starting point after greeting the crowd. She pulled him into her arms and kissed his temple. “Be here, with me.”

He nodded when she pulled away to move to their starting spots. She looked at him with such intensity that he was gripped back into where they were and what was on the line. His heart skipped a beat with that look and he was back in the moment, with her, on this ice.

She needed him.

The thought rang in his head when he took his starting pose, their hands lightly touching. She quickly brushed her hand over his fingers before straightening her hand again into the starting pose. It meant calm down and have a good performance. He needed it.

Their music filled the arena. He still hated Ed Sheeran and now he was even more angered when he realized that he reminded him of Hux. But none of that mattered. Now it was about their routine. The first part, _Shape of You_ , beat throughout the arena. The crowd clapped along. They did like this shitty pop song.

The first major challenge was always the quad. They were hitting their choreography, although he was slightly off. He corrected himself, finding her eyes and matching her movements. They skated into the start of the move and he pressed his hands on her hips and basically let her guide him into the next part. He threw her up into the air and she spun, high and tight. The crowd cheered and she was back in his arms seconds later, landing perfectly. They both grinned before turning back to the crowd to complete more of the artistic motions. The side-by-side jumps slowly approached after a few other spins and turns. They had changed the jumps to be triple triples and he was still worried about Rey. She wasn’t really a flier, but she fought for every spin.

One, two, three.

Perfectly timed.

Each time they landed he heard her blade hitting the ice at the same time as his. It felt glorious to turn out to the crowd and meet her eyes again.

Maybe he should skate angry from now on.

The rest of the routine was fairly clean. Rey caught a small edge and the crowd gasped. By the time they were nearing the end of the _Thinking Out Loud_ portion of the routine, he felt like it was a decent skate. It was nearly perfect, but they were still missing small things. But it felt good to be with her either way.

They ended in the tender embrace to close the routine and there were cheers around them. He couldn’t imagine having a routine like this after having such a shakeup during the warm ups. He pulled her close and hugged her.

“Thank you,” he hissed into her ear, brushing his lips across her forehead.

“Thank you.”

They separated, turning to the crowd to bow. She looked so elegant and calm and he only felt rigid and lacking in grace. They left the ice and he didn’t want to let go of her hand. Luke joined them, looking pleased and clasped them on the shoulders as he sat down next to them in kiss and cry. They still had a lot of work to do but it felt comfortable.

In the end, they came up fourth. _Fourth_. But was enough to get the US a spot at the Olympics in that event.

Hux and Phasma finished tenth of twelve skaters. Britain already had a spot, but it wasn’t looking good for them to get it.

Although he still regretted not punching him, Kylo knew that he had made a small victory on his road to redemption: both when it came to skating and when it came to Rey. He still needed to fix things in his own mind but that would take much more time.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day because I'm...bored. Also, I had to fudge some stuff with the qualification rules. Mostly because the US only had one pairs spot in 2018 and it can't be too easy for them, etc. Thanks for the kudos and comments. Keep 'em coming :)


	15. 2017–2018 Eastern Sectional Figure Skating Championships, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A major victory later in the year sends Rey over the moon and she and Kylo celebrate. They might have celebrated a little too hard and things change rapidly. See notes for warnings.

**Mid-November, 2017–2018 Eastern Sectional Figure Skating Championships, Boxborough, Massachusetts**

Rey felt like she was floating when they left the arena. She sat in the front seat of the rental car as Luke drove and giddily turned to smile at Kylo. She was so happy that they weren’t in Luke’s regular truck. Her partner must have been in a good mood as well because he actually returned her bright grin with a small smile of his own. He stretched out his arms behind his head, leaning back.

“I never would have thought that I’d be satisfied with second place,” he said. "And actually be happy skating to that gala song."

She reached back to swat at him. “Come on, have a real emotion. That was great! We’re going to the championships!”

It was a dark November night in Massachusetts but Rey felt like everything around her was shining. They had qualified for the US Championships and shown everyone that they were a good team in the States at last. The seemingly shaky start (well, he did drop her several times) seemed to be fully behind them after all of the months of grueling hard work. Their chances of making the Olympics team were nearly guaranteed if they could fix the small stuff now. This lingering sense of pessimism kept her from thinking it was certain. She smiled as she turned to look out the window. Boxborough felt ungodly small but she still wanted to celebrate. The gala skate had made her feel like she was glowing. They would be driving back to Hartford the next morning so there would be time to embrace the feeling.

“Let’s go out! It’s not that late.”

Luke sighed next to her. “You two should, you deserve it. But I’m looking forward to going to bed. Driving you two around is exhausting.”

Fine, whatever. Luke would only order a single beer and stare at it if he were to tag along. “Okay, but Kylo, come on. We’ve earned a bit of fun.”

He also sighed. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” she replied. She quickly scanned the buildings they were passing. There was virtually nothing open, unless they drove out of town. “But then again…”

Luke chuckled. “I think you’re stuck with the hotel bar.”

Rey shrugged. “That’s actually fine. We’ll get dressed up and that will make it fun.”

“Or we could just get champagne and stay in the room. I don’t want Dameron to ruin another night for me,” Kylo spoke up from the back seat. His voice was steady but she thought she could hear it break slightly. It was the voice he usually got when he was planning something. Part of her was thankful that they were only competing against American skaters against. Hux and Phasma tinged her last memories of doing relatively well at something major. She decided to ignore it and keep her good mood going.

“That sounds perfect to me,” she said, clapping her hands together.

They returned to the hotel and Luke shuffled off to his room while they stopped at the desk to put in the room service order. Most of the skaters that were still in town were staying at the same hotel, along with the media. She quickly thought about Jessika and again winced at how little time they were spending together now that she had Kylo. She had qualified at regionals so sectionals were more of a chance to get extra experience; she had decided to go directly home after her routine rather than waiting for the gala. They had hardly spoken other than to wave and wish each other good luck. Rey wondered if she was being a bad friend again and bit her lip as she noticed many other skaters interacting around them. Kylo had taken up her life; it wasn’t exactly a bad thing anymore, but it still felt a little strange. He needed her, she could tell. He wasn’t as moody anymore and kept showing her tiny gestures of kindness, like driving her to the rink—okay, that wasn’t really kindness but instead it was acting like a normal human. Now, she noticed that Kylo paid with his own card rather than putting it on the room. She tried not to stare, but had to comment when they were returning to their room. At least she had gotten used to rooming with him, despite his moods.

“You didn’t have to pay for all of it,” she said.

He opened their door and didn’t really react. “It wasn’t a big deal. You wanted to celebrate. I wanted you to be happy.”

It was the same tone he used on her birthday and she broke into a big grin. They stepped inside and closed the door. Their skating bags had been left in the trunk of the car so the room felt a little empty. The costumes would be cleaned and sent back to them directly. Returning to the moment, she smiled again and reached out to touch his arm, stopping him from stepping further into their shared space. It was still strange sometimes to touch him off the ice, especially after what happened on their respective birthdays, but she was trying to get him used to being close in other parts of life.

“You know, we did this together,” she said, in their room. “I’ve never skated better than I did today. Our marks were great. We helped each other. I know that we can win with just a little more training. We’ll show them all next time.”

She kept her hand on his arm for another few seconds as they stood near the door. He looked slightly tired but also satisfied. His hair was still slightly styled from their performance, which made her realize her hair must still be filled with glitter. She had washed away the makeup but forgot about her hair.

He lightly smiled at her. All of the time training together, including the arguments and the blowups, and he was still careful in the actual time they spent together. Since her birthday, despite how it ended, he was softer but guarded. That changed again when he kissed her and confessed everything on his birthday. They never really talked about it, other than agreeing it had been poorly timed when they were in Germany and they needed to focus on training instead. It had been months, but she hoped that he didn’t regret it. She thought about the hug after their performance just a few hours ago, as well as how it felt to be held by him on his couch, listening to him confessing his past mistakes. Tonight, when she wrapped her arms around him, he pulled her closer than he had done the dozens of times earlier. The feeling of his beating heart against her chest and his ragged breath in her ear made her feel safe. She had felt the hint of his lips on her head and that made her heart leap. This was an unimaginable day.

Someone knocked on their door and she dropped her hand. She smiled at Kylo before turning to the door to get the champagne.

“Here ya go,” the worker wheeled the trolley. “Thanks for the order.” She was surprised to see two bottles of champagne and a simple fruit platter being brought in. She thanked the employee and waited until he left before lifting both bottles from their ice pails as a question to Kylo.

“Two bottles?”

He had grabbed the platter and went to sit on the bed, shoving a strawberry into his mouth. “Luke is driving tomorrow. We’re celebrating. It’s what you wanted.”

She smirked, returning one of the bottles to the ice bucket and picking up the two glasses instead. “Don’t get cocky, mind reader. But thank you for getting food too, I’m starving.”

He raised his eyebrows at her as if to say ‘I knew you would be.’

She handed him his glass and plopped down on the floor beside the bed. He sat cross-legged on the bed, biting into a piece of melon. She opened the bottle and was pleased with herself that it didn’t spill.

“Look, I did it!” She called over her shoulder, holding the cork up in victory. “I’m terrible at opening bottles and I did it.”

“You just need more practice,” he thrust his glass towards her. “We need to finish on the podium more often.”

She filled his glass before fixing her own. She was happy to sit on the floor but after standing to return the bottle to the ice bucket, she sat on his bed. The fruit platter wasn’t much to look at, but the melon looked tasty and the orange pieces appeared to be fresh. The grapes could be a little fresher but it was November and she didn't want to be a snob like he was. She raised her glass towards him.

“To returning to Korea,” she grinned.

“To Korea,” he replied, clinking their glasses together. “I promise not to drop you this time.”

She laughed then took a long drink. She thought about that time and the other time being dropped had brought them closer. “Getting dropped isn’t so bad.”

“Better than getting kicked in the face?”

She laughed. “Far, far better.”

The first bottle started to vanish. Rey had set up her phone to play their usual workout playlist, despite Kylo rolling his eyes at her. At least it wasn’t their performance music, which he still insisted that he hated. They talked about the other competitors and how they felt the routine went in the beginning but that quickly melted away. They spent so much time together that they knew nearly everything about what the other did daily. They trained, they ate meals together and they trained more. Hanging out socially was more balanced, now but they were working very hard to meet their goals. Tonight felt special so she ignored her reservations about drinking too much. Rey knew how hard she would have to train in the following days but right now she welcomed the buzz.

They’d finished the fruit and set it aside. Kylo sat propped up on the pillows while she was stretched out on her stomach beside him, picking something else on her playlist. He’d opened the second bottle and was filling her glass when he paused to chuckle. She looked up at him and asked what the problem was.

“Your hair. Glitter really doesn’t suit you.”

After taking it, she set her glass on the table beside the bed as she sat up, touching her hair self-consciously. “I like the glitter. It matches the outfit. I love sparkly things.”

“No you don’t,” he replied. He emptied his glass then shrugged and began drinking directly from the bottle. “You like simple things. You’re not superficial.”

She reached for the bottle and took a long drink. The bubbles tingled her mouth and she felt some of the wine dribble down her face. She remembered the simple birthday gift that she had received from him and realized the source of his words. Her vision was starting to feel blurry and her head and hands felt lighter. Rey realized she was getting tipsy and felt a rush at the sensation. She wanted to laugh more. She wanted to move more. But she also wanted to touch him more.

Rey let her hair down from her ponytail. “You’re superficial but I don’t see you covered in glitter.”

He took the bottle from her, brushing her hand slightly as he took the cold flask. “I have a nice car and clothes and a decent apartment. That doesn’t make me superficial.”

She watched him drink and felt her heart start to race. The way his lips kissed the bottle was still focused, despite him also being slightly drunk. The memory of his mouth on hers felt like a lifetime ago and not just a memory from the summer. He looked at her and smiled, handing her the bottle.

“I like your car,” she replied, accepting it.

“I know you do. Because you don’t have a car. Really, Rey? The bus.”

“The bus is fine, I like taking the bus,” she said before she took a long drink before handing it back to him.

He chuckled. It seemed ridiculous to share the bottle. She was starting to realize how much she wanted to hear him laugh and how calming it sounded. She guessed that she liked it so much because of how seldom she heard it, even now. The day of her birthday—or her wish day as she had started calling it—she heard him laugh quite a bit, compared to how he acted normally. The way he had helped the children still made her feel warm inside. Even though he was stiff and angry around his parents, he was still concentrated on keeping up her mood. When they had danced at the end of that night, it really was a perfect day. Rey didn’t realize she could be happy off the ice.

“I could drive you more often,” he finally said, after taking another long drink. “I hate this weather.”

She shrugged, taking the bottle. “You already do. The snow and cold aren’t so bad. Better than the rain back home.”

He didn’t reply. She was still careful to talk about her life in England. He must be curious but kept to himself. She knew about his past and the pain that was there and didn’t want to burden him with her sadness.

She returned the bottle to him and he checked the level.

“Want another?” He asked.

Rey sat up and felt her head slightly spin. Drunk but not too drunk. She was guessing that the champagne— _okay sparkling wine_ —wasn’t very strong. She reached out and put her hand on his thigh. He glanced from her hand back to her eyes, still waiting for the answer to his question.

“Something stronger,” she replied, tapping his leg. “What was it we drank at your parents’? Do you think they have that whiskey here?”

He laughed; she was getting rewarded by his laughter tonight. “They have whiskey but definitely not the type my father prefers.”

She had started tracing circles on his pants, not realizing that he was staring at her. “Still, whiskey would be good.”

“Hmm.” He rose from the bed, and her hand fell away. She knew his body and he knew hers. She shivered when she remembered him undressing and dressing her. She knew him in a different way than she knew Finn’s body. He crossed the room to the minibar and held up a handful of bottles of various liquors: gin, vodka, rum.

“It’s not whiskey, but it does the job.”

Rey laughed and stood up, jumping slightly on the bed. She looked down at him and felt the room start to get warm. Her voice wasn’t quite her own when she spoke. She couldn’t believe he was being this reckless. “Yes! Raid the minibar. I’ve never done that! Are there crisps?”

He grabbed the tin of Pringles from the mini fridge and held them up. She laughed and hopped on the bed. She spun around, performing a sloppy axle.

“Yes! Fantastic!” She laughed. Over the dull music, she heard him lightly laugh too.

He set everything beside the television and turned to her. “You’re drunk.”

“Yes!” She jumped to the other bed and giggled. “It’s fantastic.”

He opened one of the tiny bottles and handed it to her. He opened his own and from clinked their drinks together. She looked down at him as she took a long drink of the bitter booze. She nearly hiccupped when she stopped drinking. Wiping her mouth, she looked down at him and giggled again.

“Slow down, you weigh eighty pounds,” he said as he moved to sit on the bed she was standing on. She quickly plopped down next to him and grabbed his hand, entwining their fingers. This was something she needed to do. He stiffened a little but didn’t pull away. He didn’t look at her, and seemed to think that the strange painting across the room was very fascinating at that point. He was so close that she could take in how good he smelled.

“You know that I weigh more than that, you complain about it all the time,” she answered, lifting their hands to study his. He didn’t resist, but instead slowly finished his tiny bottle. It reminded her of the night of her birthday. The wine had flowed freely and that whiskey had burnt, but it was also deep and rich. She remembered the way that he had put his arm around her when they were dancing on the patio, drinking nightcaps with his parents. She thought again about the next morning, when he walked her to her apartment. If Finn hadn’t been there, everything could have been different. That was a beginning. But the next beginning could have been his birthday, but that night was different. It was like he wanted to forget it, in a way. He rarely brought up what they talked about that night.

“You say that you don’t like being thrown around,” he slowly said, giving her hand a squeeze. He finished his bottle and tossed it aside. She quickly chugged the last of hers and turned to him grinning.

She wanted to be smooth and daring. She wanted to be sexy and alluring. She wanted to seduce him and keep him with her forever. In order words, she wanted to be anyone but herself at that moment.

“Kylo…” she slowly said.

He reached out with his other hand and snatched her empty bottle from her. He pulled his hand free as gently as he could so that he could put her bottle aside. He retrieved two more bottles and the Pringles. This time, when he sat down, he sat on the opposite bed to her. Rey realized she was drunk at that point because all she could think about was that it seemed so unfair that he was so far away. He wasn’t resisting her, but he wasn’t doing what she wanted.

He wasn’t exactly a warm person, but he did care about her. It was strange that he was so calm about where they had placed today. He was so determined to win everything—they still argued about that all the time—but he just seemed to accept this position and take everything as it was. No arguing this time. They had truly skated as a team. His hands had been steady on her body and right now, she realized, she wanted those hands again. But this time in a different way; as she drank from her tiny bottle, she was trying to figure out how to solve that problem. The first step was to eat something.

“God, I love crisps,” she said when she shoved three Pringles into her mouth. “I never get to eat them but when I do, they are just delicious.”

“That will always sound strange to me,” he finished his bottle in a couple of long gulps. He sat back, lounging on the bed. “You’ve been here forever and still say crisps.”

She put three more chips in her mouth and then finished her bottle too, determined to keep up with him, despite how she felt herself slowing down. “I can’t help it. It’s just who I am.”

“Your accent gets worse when you’re drunk,” he slowly rose from the bed to get another bottle—this time only for himself. “It’s...charming.”

She stood from the bed, lacking her usual grace and stumbling towards him. “Give me one too.”

He shut the fridge and blocked her. “No, you’re going to be sick.”

“You took one.”

He smirked. “I’m bigger than you. And drink more often.”

He quickly opened the bottle and downed it. She gaped and moved towards the fridge, but he blocked her. He tossed the bottle aside and grabbed her wrists in one hand when she tried to reach towards the fridge. She didn’t notice that he was laughing but started to whine in protest.

“Let me have just one more, come on,” she started to struggle, taking in how large his hands were when compared to her tiny arms. Things were starting to blur and time felt like it was rubbery. The room was darker than she remembered. But she liked the sensation and liked how daring she felt. She pressed her body closer to his, pretending to struggle.

“Not unless it’s just water,” he said, laughing slightly.

“Let me go, and I’ll get a water.”

She tried to pull free and he quickly let her go. She pushed him aside and opened the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Part of her wanted to take one of the few tiny remaining bottles but she decided that following orders would be teasing enough. When she handed him the bottle he took two long drinks before giving it back to her.

“See? I took the water.”

He walked over to the bed and sat down on it. “Good job.”

She took a long sip of water before setting it aside. The room was suddenly quiet, aside from the gentle buzzing of the mini fridge. “When did the music stop?”

He shrugged. “I didn’t notice. It’s nice without it.”

Time seemed to skip and she realized she was sitting on the bed next to him.

“Rey, you’re drunk.”

She heard him say it firmly, but he also said it with a smile.

“I like being drunk,” she replied. Her brain started to slowly click after a few seconds. “Let’s play truth or dare.”

“No,” he said bluntly. He moved to sit with his back against the pillows and she followed. She stretched her legs out, feeling his strong thigh resting against hers. When she sat down next to him, he put his arm around her. She wasn’t sure if it was because he wanted to keep her from grabbing another bottle from the minibar or for other reasons. “Just sit here.”

She felt happily drunk and leaned against him. “You are warm.”

“It’s warm in here.”

She reached out and put her hand on his leg, still fascinated by what he was wearing. “This is nice fabric. So soft.”

“Rey…” his voice sounded like he was warning her. “You’re drunk.”

“You said that before,” she said, looking up from his shoulder to face him. The room was very warm. Her hand felt smooth from stroking his leg. Things were starting to tilt.

He looked at her and took a deep breath. He licked his lips a second later. She moistened her own lips and heard him sigh. Then Rey made a decision.

She leaned up and kissed him. He met her halfway, pulling her closer and pressing their lips together. Their mouths met and both of them were equally demanding of the other. He ran his hand through her hair and she gradually opened his mouth to her tongue. This was everything. It felt as good as last time, but almost better. This time they were happy and not emotionally exhausted. She suddenly hated being drunk; it would be harder to remember. He tasted like alcohol but also was sweet and unique. Almost like walnuts. She had kissed so few people in her life that she didn’t know what more to do. She wanted to make him happy but also wanted to let him guide her. Her thoughts started to blur as he deepened the kiss and she moaned.

She wanted this and wanted more. Stretched out, he pulled her on top of him and she straddled him. She didn’t want to stop kissing him but she broke away for a second to run her hands through his hair.

“I love your hair.”

She tucked a strand behind his ear and they stared at one another for a few seconds, just feeling their hearts beating. It was like the moments before a performance. They were drunk but Rey still managed to take in the moment.

“God, I want you,” he said with a low rumble, reaching up to cup her face. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

She didn’t answer and instead kissed him firmly. She ground her pelvis against him, shuddering at the sensation of his growing erection against her. Yes, yes, _yes._

His hands were quick, grabbing at her shirt and lifting it over her head. She gasped when his mouth left hers but happily groaned when he kissed her again. His hands ran down her sides, carefully following her trained body. He reached behind her to undo her bra, moving to kiss down her clavicle as his hands worked the clasp. All Rey could do was to move her hips, not sure what to do with her hands.

“Rey.” He said, suddenly stopping. His breath was warm on her skin.

She took a deep breath, shifting to look at him.

“We can stop. I don’t want you to regret this.”

Those few words nearly made Rey fall in love with him then and there. He was only this gentle on the ice and not off of it. This was different. They were winners now and could be happy together.

“I want this,” she said, pressing her lips beside his mouth. Okay, she was drunk, but it still felt right. “I need you.”

He tipped her face towards him and kissed her firmly. After she said that, he shifted her over so he was on top. She nearly lost her breath, forgetting how much bigger he was. But feeling his body on hers felt so much more now. The last time this happened it wasn’t like this. Their time on the ice was one thing; now, this was so much more. His hands were more certain, grabbing her hips and grinding their bodies together. He carefully kissed down her neck, stopping to swirl his tongue around her left nipple. She gasped, feeling herself getting wet, and realized she needed more. She heard him lightly groan as she wrapped her legs around his back, pulling him closer.

“Less clothes,” she said. “I can’t take off your shirt.”

He looked down at her. His hair was mussed and he looked flushed. He was carefully trying to maintain control. He ran his hand across his face. “We need to turn off the lights. And we should probably brush our teeth first.”

“You’re so anal,” she scoffed.

He smiled broadly, but avoided making the joke. He shifted off of her and as quickly as he stood up, he removed his shirt. He moved to the washroom and she heard him undo his pants as he moved. She just sat on the bed, trying to figure out what was happening and what she should do. The sudden lack of physical contact made her drunkenness seem more real. Did she really want him? She felt the ghost touches of his lips on her breasts and covered them as she sat up. Should she stop this?

He returned from the washroom with her toothbrush. She smiled brightly and took it, pushing aside the doubt. He wanted her; she could see that by his erection. Her body was pushing her towards her goal. Drunk Rey could also be logical. Despite the pause, she knew she would want more in just a matter of minutes. She followed him to the washroom and they brushed their teeth together, like normal but a little bit more unbalanced. She reached out and grabbed his side, glancing askance at how they looked in the mirror. They fit together. And they were still wearing too many clothes, her pants and his boxers between them. She dropped her arm and noticed how he studied her breasts in the mirror. Only the tiny voice of doubt in her mind broke her mood slightly; why would he want her?

She forced herself to remember the sensations of today and earlier. Dancing on her birthday. Cuddling on his. The way he had opened up to her. The way she wanted to open up to him. Her landing gracefully into his arms after a throw. The feeling of his hand as he guided her on the ice.

She deserved to be wanted. He wanted her. Drunk or not, she wanted all of this. 

The room felt heavy by the time she finished brushing her teeth. He was only wearing his black boxers, leaning against the wall while watching her.

“Can I take off my clothes now?” She asked, suddenly shy.

He tilted his head and nodded. “Yes. Unless you want help again.”

In the poor hotel lighting, she removed her pants. Her panties matched her bra she suddenly realized, although it was nothing he could notice at this point; she had bought it seven years ago. It was a worn and boring set. She had only worn it because it was nearest at hand when she was packing. Pulling them down and tossing them aside, she was suddenly naked. She felt small and unpleasant next to his well-trained and strong body. She was toned to be lean, strong, and small; he had muscles in the perfect spots and had started to strengthen the new parts that were needed for pairs. She was changing his body. She leaned against the sink and looked up from his feet, tracing his body as she went, up to his face. When she met his eyes, she noticed that he had been doing the same.

They rinsed their mouths, naked, brushing against one another as they did.

“Happy now?” she asked, leaving the washroom and reaching to stroke his face. She nearly bumped into the room service cart, still unsteady on her drunken feet.

“Very,” he replied, before kissing her. Mint now covered the alcohol, but it still tasted slightly like walnuts.

His hands could roam more freely now. He guided her towards the bed, tracing down her body. He gripped her ass in a new way, sighing with pleasure as he did. He placed her on the bed and then moved away. She was shocked for a few seconds before she saw the lights turn off. She blinked for a few seconds. The only light was from the dim streetlights in the winter night outside of the hotel windows. She felt her drunkenness start to get heavier. Time was starting to get jumbled.

“Get under the covers,” he murmured, guiding her under the sheets. As she moved, she felt him start touch her naked form. It felt like it happened in slow motion. She lifted her hips to help him and took a deep breath. His hands slid down her body and he moved to lay himself down next to her, finding the right space. She pressed her naked body against his and moaned. She felt his erection rub against her opening as he turned and she started to spread her legs, wanting to wrap them around him again. His hands were still tracing her body, finding the right places to touch her. His hands gliding down her side, he gripped her ribs and wound his hand across her smooth stomach.

He kissed her collarbone and gently paused what he was doing to whisper against her. Kissing her bare skin, he was very quiet. “We don’t have a condom.”

She heard herself laugh, realizing again how drunk she was at this point. “Been on the pill since I was thirteen. Helps with competitions to have everything taken care of.”

He seemed to relax and nodded but still resisted her legs. He gently kissed her collarbone and then moved down to her breasts. She shuddered when his mouth caressed her nipple; he bit down slightly and she hissed. He kissed across to her other breast, fondling it as he pressed his lips to her sensitive nub. His hands felt like they were everywhere; it was like they were larger than her body was. How could she know these hands so well but still be surprised by them? Rey suddenly felt like she was neglecting him and traced down his back with her nails, following his firm form towards his hips. As he focused on her breasts, she reached for his erection, even though it was awkward. He inhaled and turned slightly. She wanted to stroke him more but he quickly moved out of her grip, licking down her body.

He dipped his tongue into her navel and she squirmed. It seemed to touch her core directly when his tongue swirled just there. At the same time, she felt his hands tracing up and down her body. His right hand followed up her thighs then shifting down her stomach, missing her opening.

“Oh god, yes, Kylo.” She gasped, wiggling into a better position.

The room was dark but she was sure she saw him smirk as his eyes traveled down the rest of her body. He kissed her lightly on both of her hipbones, following the angles of her thin body. She sighed as his hands found her opening and brushed against it before he brought his mouth down. He carefully licked her, exploring until he found her clit. Rey, at this point, couldn’t remember the last time she had had sex. It was a strange thought to have at that moment. His hand joined his tongue when he found she spot she gasped at. He gently began to rub his fingers against her while his tongue traced her other wetness.

“You’re shaved,” he hummed, before quickly starting to rub her clit with his hands, moving quickly from gentleness to giving her pleasure with faster motions. She wanted to be slightly annoyed at the fact that he'd seen that before. His hands had been there. Maybe he really did respect her and ignore that intimate moment on his birthday.

“Hard to wear those costumes otherwise,” she gasped at the change of pace. No one had done that to her before, despite where her mind was going. Everyone before him felt like idiot boys who mashed their faces against her. His tongue and his hands were finding everything right but she didn’t want to come like this. She was so close, but she gentle pushed him away, whimpering. She saw his shocked eyes in the low light and tried to smile.

“I need you now,” she said. “Please.”

They knew one another’s bodies so well, but this was new. He nodded and kissed her deeply after moving up her body. She could taste herself on his lips and it made the situation real. She gripped his cock as he moved and heard him groan. This was what she wanted, she told herself. He felt large in her hand and she wanted to have him inside her. Yes, yes, _yes._

“Ready?”

It was strange that he was so careful, but it just made her want him more. This wasn’t the same man she met in February. “Yes.”

As he eased inside her, she gasped and moaned. He filled her perfectly and she never wanted to lose the sensation. She wrapped her legs around him, wanting to bring him closer.

“God, _Rey_.”

He started to thrust and, just like with skating, she met him in time. She didn’t realize that she was starting to yell until he gently kissed her and told her to hush. His cock was hard and thick and felt perfect compared to anything else she had ever had before. Just the thought of him coming inside her made her body tighten. She saw stars.

His thrusts grew quicker and he groaned.

“I…” he started to say. “I’m going to…”

“Do it,” she said bluntly, kissing him in return. She felt like she was floating again, while at the same time filled with so many wonderful sensations. Her body was humming.

She wrapped her legs around him tighter and with three last thrusts she felt his body still and his cock stiffen. The sensation of him coming inside of her pushed her over the edge again and she felt her body shudder with pleasure.

Rey was panting lightly as she loosened her legs. He hummed gently kissing the side of her neck.

“I need to go to the toilet.” She whispered.

She heard him nod and she quickly dashed away, only slightly stumbling. Not having him inside her, she suddenly felt empty but she had to clean up. She used the toilet and then washed her face. Glancing in the mirror, she didn’t notice any change. She was drunk and the mirror looked blurry and almost hazy. Everything was fine. It had to be fine. She sucked down a few mouthfuls of water before returning to bed. But which bed?

He seemed like he was already half asleep. She grabbed the bottle of water from somewhere and drank half of it. She found her panties on the floor, at least, before climbing under his covers. She cuddled against him before hearing him sigh.

“You’re perfect,” he said, pulling her closer.

“You are too,” she answered. The sex had briefly woken her up but now wrapped in his warm arms she felt reality drifting away.

Rey was happy. She was likely going to the Olympics. And she had had sex. With a surprisingly careful and gracious lover.

She felt slight panic start to rise about the fact that he was also her partner but she tried to push it aside. Everything right now was perfect.

She heard him grumble before he spoke. “You need more water.”

He shifted way from her and handed her the bottle. She drank it all and then he lightly kissed her.

“Goodnight,” he said.

“Goodnight,” she replied, resting against his chest.

As Rey drifted off, she realized that she could blame it all on the booze if she wanted to. But the way that Kylo held her made her think that she wouldn’t need to.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter contains sexual content. Dats all.


	16. 2017–2018 Eastern Sectional Figure Skating Championships, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo deals with the morning after their night together. Can he be what Rey needs him to be? See notes for warnings!

 

He didn’t mean to sleep with her.

Well, he did but he didn’t mean for it to feel so good.

Lying in bed, Kylo already felt how difficult the day would be.

Despite his lingering hangover, he had woken up before her. She was still fast asleep, curled up next to him. Her soft breath warmed the skin of his chest. He didn’t want to move, but knew that Luke would want to head out early. They would need to shower and be downstairs in something like two hours, he guessed. He was awake far too early but his brain wouldn’t let him fall back asleep.

He thought about how she had actively pursued him last night. The way she had touched him, keeping her hand lingering on his body, made him smile at the memory. He hated admitting that he was bad at things, but he wasn’t good at relationships. There were always some signs that he missed or thought were unimportant. He had forced himself to have a good friendship with Rey after their biggest blowup in the summer. It was for the team. He decided he wanted to let her close and she seemed to appreciate it. They had nearly been here before, but he had pulled away then, earlier in the summer. There had been too many things said that it would have been like she was pitying him.

Now, things had changed again. Before, it had been friendship. But now, it was more.

The way she tasted was slightly sweet but still unique. Her body was strong but also fragile at the same time. She really suited the bee brooch he had given her, he realized. He thought now that he was probably crushing her last night at some points, without him really knowing it. Next time, she would have to be on top.

He inwardly groaned to himself. Would there be a next time? Why was he already thinking about that? He had to stop worrying about her. He decided that counting the tiles on the ceiling of their room would do for the next few minutes before he would have to wake her up.

His mind was drifting a few minutes later when he heard her phone pling. It was rare that he wasn’t thinking about everything at once so he was instantly annoyed by the cheerful sound. Then he heard the dull buzz of his phone follow from the opposite side of the room. Probably time to get up.

Sighing, he gently kissed her forehead. He heard her stir and decided to be daring. He pressed his lips gently to hers and she sleepily started to respond. He had to remember to tell her that she looked perfect in the mornings.

“Hey,” he said. “Time to wake up.”

“No,” she mumbled, dropping her head back down to his chest to kiss him lightly. “Too sleepy.”

He gently stroked her hair, trying to remember the last time he held someone like this in his arms. One of the Russians, probably. There were some nights there that he hazily remembered. Rey was different. And that started to worry him.

“I need to check my phone,” he said, shifting her to the side as tenderly as he could. She reluctantly rolled away as he left the bed. She mumbled to herself something he couldn’t hear as he reached for his phone. He read the message as he returned to the bed.

_Leaving in an hour and a half /LS_

That was that. No lazy morning.

“Rey, we need to get up,” he said, sitting on the edge of the bed. She reluctantly sat up, rubbing her eyes. Her hair needed to be brushed and she looked tired, but she still looked beautiful. She reached out and took his hand, just like last night.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

He stroked her hand with his thumb, trying to reason out what to say next.

“I like you,” she said, breaking the awkwardness that he felt. “You can stop worrying.”

Looking at their hands, he nodded. “I…I like you too.”

“I know I’m incredibly hungover right now,” her voice croaked slightly as she spoke. “But this is good, right? Us?”

He turned slightly to look at her. So she wouldn’t let this time go unspoken about for months, that was clear. She had let the blanket fall away and he glanced at her perky breasts before meeting her eyes. What was the best way to answer that question? Did he want there to be an _us_? They were already a pair but to be partners in another way could lead to heartache. He knew he was going to hurt her at some point and that could come at any time; he couldn’t really control it. He was normally more cautious than this. The people that were around him were always beneficial but could never come too close. But she knew nearly everything about him. She knew how to meet him in time on the ice and last night her thrusts were perfectly timed to his. They fit together. This was what he wanted, right?

“Yeah,” he finally said, giving her a small smile. “I meant what a said before.”

“Before? When?”

He softly traced a circle on her hand. “On my birthday. When I said that you make me want to be a better person. Not just a better skater, but everything else.”

He normally wasn’t this honest. He felt his throat tighten as he spoke. He blamed the lingering alcohol, but this felt heavy. Talking to her right now was necessary but also felt hard, for some reason.

She leaned forward and cupped his face, kissing him gently. “You’re a great person.”

“No, I’m still shitty,” he replied instantly.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re great to me.”

He didn’t know how to feel. He was torn between two reactions. Part of him wanted to tell her how she made him feel, every aspect of it. How her smile made his heart beat faster. How her small touches made him feel less ugly and awkward. He knew that he was falling in love with her every day that they spent together. It scared him and he wanted to talk with her about it, to see if she could find some way to make it feel better. Some other distant part wanted to ignore it all and push it away. He would make her feel hurt and stupid for giving herself to him. But the other part of him wanted to pin her down and fuck her raw. He wanted their bodies to match again, just like last night. Just thinking about it made him hard. He met her eyes again and knew that she could feel his reaction.

“Shower?” She said, trailing her hand down to his shoulder.

“Yes.”

In one move, slightly slowed by hung-over reactions, he scooped her up. She wrapped her legs around his back and cupped his face to kiss him. She laughed as he kissed her neck while he carried her to the washroom. He set her down and she instantly leaned towards him again.

“Can you fuck me again?” She asked, running her hand along his body, brushing his ribs and down his stomach towards his groin. He groaned in desire, reaching to place his hands on her hips. He needed to make sure that their bodies still fit together.

“You’re still drunk,” he smirked. He noticed it gradually. She looked tired, but would never speak like this if she weren’t herself. She could only smile at him. “You only swear when you’re drunk.”

“So are you.”

With that, he pulled her towards him and began to kiss her. Their stale morning breath quickly melted away as they kissed, turning into a neutral, dull taste. He reached for her panties and started to tug them down. She quickly wiggled out of them, hardly breaking away from his mouth. He removed his own boxers, pushing their bodies closer to the shower. It was a dingy shower installed with a low bathtub. The door was semi-translucent glass, coloured a deep green. He lightly pressed her against it, bringing his hand to her left breast. He lightly gripped it, his fingers circling her nipple. She had a beautiful body and he wanted to learn every inch of it.

He nudged her to move into the shower. She stepped inside, nearly stumbling, and that made him almost think twice about this. She wasn’t herself and he should stop but god, the way she was touching him made it all feel right. After closing the door, he turned on the water as he felt her slightly pull away. The warm stream started to pour over them and he turned to see her on her knees, waiting for him.

They didn’t say anything as he watched her run her hands up his legs. She grasped his hardening penis with one hand and ran the other up his firm stomach. Her mouth was slightly opened the entire time. He could sense her nervousness and guessed it had been along time since she had blown someone.

“Hey,” he tipped her chin up. “I like you.”

She grinned, now dripping wet. “I like you too.”

And then she took him into her mouth. She balanced how she moved her tongue with the strokes of her cupped hand. He wished he was more awake and wished he was less hungover. It felt good but slightly mulled. It was like he was still asleep, in some dream. With every stroke he had to stop himself from bucking against her mouth. He grasped her head lightly, resisting the urge to pull her closer and faster. Even though he realized what was happening was very real, he still felt like this was some part of a long fantasy. She was naked, kneeling and wet, with his cock in her mouth. Water streamed down his back and he started staring at her ass from where he stood, trying not to watch her suck him. Fuck, he needed more. It was getting too close.

“Stand up,” he commanded. “Against the wall.”

He pushed her slightly and she looked shocked for a second before smirking. She turned around quickly, putting her hands on the back wall of the shower to steady herself and spreading her legs. Yes, yes, _yes._

He ran his hands down her body, steadying them on her hips. Her skin was soft and her well-toned body was firm under his hands. Kissing the back of her neck, he moved one hand and started to guide himself into her. It was so hard to be gentle when she was so open to him. He had never wanted anyone more than he wanted her in that moment.

She gasped when he entered her. It felt just as good as last night but this time almost better. His body wasn’t dragging from the alcohol this time, but only from its aftereffects.

He began to thrust and moaned at how tight, wet, and warm she was. He heard her start to pant lightly as he gripped her hips. One, two, three, four, five thrusts. She shifted her hands for a better grip on the wall but her body was so perfect. Six, seven, eight, nine, thrusts. He heard the sound of his balls meeting against her opening. God, she felt good. As he thrust into her, he saw a small patch of glitter on the back of her head.

“Oh god,” she exclaimed. “Yes, Kylo harder.”

He lost himself in her body and the sound of her. She gave quiet whimpers and moans as he moved. She was tight and smooth and it was like she was made for him, with the way his cock fit inside her. In the warmth of the shower, he nearly felt himself starting to feel lightheaded. He wanted to reach to touch her clit, wanting to double the pleasure for her. But thinking about her body tightening and shuddering around him made his body jolt. 

“I need to come now,” he said, growling lowly. “Okay?”

“Yes! Yes!”

That’s all he needed. He gripped her hips tightly and filled her. He felt himself shudder as he came. Everything numbed for a second, and he didn’t want to move. Their bodies were perfect. This was perfect.

The seconds passed and she slowly pulled away from him. He hissed at the sensation of losing her but she quickly turned to kiss him.

“Can you wash my hair?”

He ran his hands through her wet hair. “I promise to get all of the glitter out.”

As they showered, and he learnt how annoying it was to wash hair that was longer than his, he began to realize how much he needed this. He needed her. He wanted to feel less afraid of all of this, but it still felt like a heavy weight on his chest. This was all going to fall apart and it would be his fault. That was all he could think about as he washed and conditioned her hair, carefully massaging her scalp. She was happily sighing against his hands, her hands running up and down his body.

“Do you want me to wash yours?” She asked as he maneuvered her towards the nozzle to rinse.

“No, it’s fine.” He took a few steps back, reaching for the hotel-sized shampoo bottle on the ledge.

He quickly washed his hair as he caught her shaving her armpits out of the corner of his eye. She had snatched her razor from the side of the tub and tried to be descrete. Sometimes he hated how she seemed so cautious around him. But at the same time, he hid so much from her as well.

They switched again slightly awkwardly so he could rinse his hair. He closed his eyes and tried to lose himself in the feeling of the warm water. Then he felt her hands running through his hair.

“I know you use conditioner, don’t be shy,” she whispered, working in the new serum. He felt her body brush against him and felt warm when her breasts rubbed against his chest. Aside from his mother, no one had ever washed his hair. Rey was getting too close. His chest tightened at the thought but resisted stepping away. Thinking about his mother made his stomach ache slightly in panic. How would she react to this? He didn’t even want to consider his father’s gruff reaction. At least thinking about is parents made the rest of the shower less erotic for him.

“Tilt your head,” she said, her soft voice guided him.

He followed her orders, and she rinsed his hair. She was gently scratching his head, following near perfect circles around his scalp.

“I like you,” he suddenly said again, needing something to say.

She finished washing his hair and tipped his face towards hers. “I like you too.”

She kissed him while reaching to turn off the water.

They toweled off and then brushed their teeth. He moved around the room and gathered up their things while she leaned against the wall, more tired than he was. She was waiting to move and seemed to be thinking things through. He put the tiny coffee pot on and found a change of clothes. He wanted to keep touching her but also needed to let her choose the distance. It was only in this room that they could be close. Once they left it, everything would really change.

It felt normal to finish their morning routines and be changed and ready in the next twenty minutes. He sipped on his coffee as she finished her motions. She had been moving in slow motion up until then. Rey normally didn’t wear much makeup but she had carefully applied a thin layer of foundation and neutral eyeliner while he was finishing packing. He assumed it was because there could be photographers in the lobby but also hoped it was for him. They were packed, changed, and ready, but stood tongue-tied by the door.

“Can I stay at your place tonight?” She asked, putting her hand on his hip. “I can come over after Luke drops us off…”

“I don’t want him to know,” he answered quickly but then corrected himself. “Right now.”

She nodded. “Kylo, we’re both not good at admitting when we’re wrong. I…I’ve never really had a boyfriend before…”

He cringed at the word. Boyfriend? “You know me. I’m going to be the one to ruin this.”

She met his eyes with determination. “I won’t let you.”

He felt guilt settle deep within him, while hope fought against it. She looked tired but still beautiful. Her makeup was simple compared to her performance look. She was beautiful and irresistible, he thought as he memorized the look of delicate happiness on her face.

“I hope you're right,” he said, pulling her into a kiss.

The second the door opened, he wanted to reach for her but had to stop himself. They had only fifteen minutes to eat a quick breakfast before meeting Luke by the car. He was, of course, nowhere to be seen in the continental buffet part of the restaurant. He was probably in his room drinking overly strong coffee and brooding, Kylo scoffed to himself. Around the media and other skaters, he slowly realized how hard it was to balance out what had just developed. Would it just be easier to let everyone know? Would that just break her heart even more when it all fell apart?

They ate together, acknowledging whoever passed by. She knew everyone and he only knew whom he hated.

Underneath the corner table, he brushed his foot against hers, trying to get her attention. She was wearing slightly raised light brown boots and a light blue dress. She lifted her eyebrows at him and nudged him back. She looked like an angel in the early winter light spilling in from the morning outside. She diligently ate yogurt with extra granola even though he knew she was still hungry. It was hard to keep in competition shape, but he guessed she was worried she would be sick later from the drinking and hangover.

Breakfast was finished in relative silence and they took their bags to the car. Luke would—sooner or later—appear.

“Hey, can we say we are tired and sit in the backseat together?” She asked, leaning against the car.

He nodded, not knowing what to say. They shuffled their feet in the crisp morning sun before Luke showed up. He glanced at them quickly and rolled his eyes. He climbed into the driver’s seat without a word. He opened the trunk and they put their suitcases in. His already sat there and Kylo wondered when he had done that. His distrust of his uncle had still not completely lessened, despite everything. Mutual silence never really solved anything.

They both climbed into the backseat from either side. He heard Luke sigh.

“You both drank too much last night.”

“It’s Rey’s fault,” he answered quickly. “She’s awful.”

She swatted at him and pretended to argue. “I’m not awful…but it is my fault. Luke, can we sleep?”

He started to back up the car. “Just don’t throw up.”

The next two hours were spent half dosing and trying not to get too comfortable against her. He was starting to fall asleep and she was already there. She had laid down on the seat, curling up to rest her head on his lap. She'd even taken her boots off to curl up against him. Luke was muttering to himself about the GPS and the roads but Kylo was too tired to care. He stroked Rey's hair before drifting off to sleep, resting his head against the window.

He woke up when the car came to a firm and decided stop, not realizing how long they’d been asleep.

“Ben, you’re home,” he heard Luke say. He slowly shook himself awake. He ran his hand over Rey’s shoulder.

“Come on, let’s go,” he said to her before turning to Luke. “Yes, we’re getting up.”

He pretended not to notice how Luke gripped the steering wheel as he roused Rey and they gathered their things. Pulling on her boots, she appeared not to know where she was but pretended anyway, following him with as much confidence as she could. He didn’t bother saying goodbye to Luke when he shut the door. She lingered for a few seconds, waving, before following him towards his condo door.

“Practice, tomorrow. 6 a.m.!” Luke shouted through the now-open passenger window before driving off.

They stood there, slightly stunned in the crisp November air, before he moved towards his door. He heard Rey trailing after him, her boots crunching against the light snow. After getting inside, they tossed their bags aside. They kicked off their shoes and winter jackets and he quickly led her inside. When they reached his bedroom, he closed the blinds. She waited near the doorway, watching him. She had not spent as much time at his place as he did at hers.

“Kylo?” She asked, wearily.

He didn’t answer, but stripped off his shirt and pants. She studied him then nodded, pulling off her dress. They climbed onto his over-sized bed and he pulled her towards him under the covers. It felt like it was all happening in slow motion. She brushed her hand across his stomach and sighed.

“Sleep,” he whispered to her. “I want to sleep with you.”

She curled up next to him and he felt her nod into his chest. It was still technically morning but he quickly realized how tired he was.

“Can I call you Ben too?” She murmured, hugging against him.

He started to speak but stopped. He didn’t know what answer to give her—was he still Ben? To Luke, Leia, and Han he was Ben, despite how often he insisted otherwise. But to himself, he hadn’t been Ben for years. It was only with her that he had started to feel like he had when he was younger—back when he didn’t need to be some one else.

“Yes,” he said, kissing her gently. “You can call me that when we’re together.”

“Thanks, Ben,” she answered, sleep starting to take her.

He felt her falling asleep against him and knew that there would be things to talk about but right now, he was in his bed, with his partner in his arms.

Both later today, and even tomorrow, felt like a lifetime away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More sexual content! Beware!


	17. 2017 Skate America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey returns to Skate America with her new partner and they have very different results. And then have a surprise Thanksgiving dinner as their reward.

**Late November, 2017 – Skate America,** **Lake Placid, NY**

It was strange to feel at home in the middle of being tossed into the air.

The crowd buzzed as Rey spun above her partner, twisting her body in tight and fast rotations. It was exhilarating to fly but almost better to land perfectly in Kylo’s arms. Her blade met the ice and his arms steadied her.

Cheers rang out over their music and she met Kylo’s eyes and grinned. He returned the look as they quickly moved towards the spot on the ice where they would perform side-by-side turns. Part of her still couldn’t believe how well the jump was executed. They were moving perfectly synchronized with crisp lines and well-timed turns. Landing the quad at the start of their routine made her heart soar. Their long program had to be perfect to medal and it was starting to feel what colour it would be. She had much to be nervous about her return to Skate America. It was overwhelming while it was simultaneously exhilarating. It seemed like everything was about her and the attention took some time to get accustomed to. She was pressed from all sides for interviews about how she felt to be back at the event after what happened over a year ago. On the other hand, she was worried about performing with Kylo for the first time since their relationship had changed. They spun and then he reached out to take her hand to guide her across the ice and into the next moves.

It was only a couple of weeks since sectionals and she had been glad to wake up every single day. The afternoon after they returned home had been lazy but calm. Kylo had made a small lunch while she slept. She woke up to chicken noodle soup being placed on a serving tray in bed. It was like he was taking care of her if she were ill. It made her heart swell to imagine him doing little things like this for her every day.

He had retrieved his own tray and they ate together in comfortable silence. She was thinking about what to say as they finished eating, but his voice broke through her thoughts.

“Was it okay?”

“It was really good,” she answered, hoping he was asking about the lunch.

“Good,” he said before sighing. He put their trays aside and pulled her into his arms. He was wearing a black robe that smelled deeply of his unique, pleasant scent. She breathed him in and waited for him to finish what he was saying. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I should probably take you home soon.”

It hurt a little but she nodded.

“Look, don’t be upset. I just…need some time alone,” he quickly kissed her forehead, sensing her tense up. “Rey, you’re important to me and I need to figure things out.”

She lifted her head. “You’re right. I think I’m just sensitive right now.”

“It’s okay,” he gently kissed her. The kiss slowly deepened and he pulled her on top of him. They ended up making love slowly in the lingering afternoon sunlight on his bed. It was like he was apologizing for asking her to leave. Later, after showering, he drove her home. They shared a lingering kiss in her doorway before he left. After hanging up her skating gear, she let the last few days settle in her mind. A week earlier she would have never imagined how things could change so quickly in a good way. That night, when she was getting ready for bed, she got a short good night text from him.

And the next morning, things were normal. They trained together, letting touches linger a fraction of a second longer than they usually did. She felt her confidence rise as they ran through a perfect short program routine. Laughing, she wrapped her arms around him before looking over to Luke. He’d looked at them with something close to pride. Kylo asked her to come over that night and she’d brought an overnight bag. She hadn’t slept in her apartment since, except to quickly grab more clothes and check her mail.

And now, at the Herb Brooks Arena on Thanksgiving weekend, they were putting on a routine of a lifetime. The air hummed around them and her heart fluttered to the music:  _Take me into your loving arms._ She now had a pair of loving arms to call her own.

They entered the final spins without any major mistake. Maybe she had missed something minor, but it was clean. Compared to how things ended a year ago, it was wonderful to see white ice rather than red. They were skating as a whole and she didn't need to pull anyone else's weight. 

She shifted in his arms during the final twists and he quickly moved into the final pose, with her lifted above him. The music ended and they froze for a brief moment before they left the tableau. She heard their skates hit the ice in unison and the crowed erupted into cheers and applause and the music end. With joy, she turned to face him. He smiled briefly before raising his arms and shouting in victory. She reached him and he grabbed her hard, pulling her to him.

“You’re fantastic, Rey.”

“Ben, I can’t believe this is happening.”

They turned and bowed, holding hands. Flowers and teddy bears rained down on the ice. Rey felt like she was in a dream. They were good at exactly the right time. Kylo snatched up a pink unicorn and handed it to her with a goofy grin. She’d rarely seen him be that playful before. She accepted it and briefly thanked the small girls who were gathering up the rest of their gifts and flowers. They reached the sidelines and moved quickly to the kiss and cry. Luke had hugged her firmly when they came off the ice.

Sitting down and breathing deeply, she grabbed Kylo’s hands and looked skywards.

She wept with tears of joy when she saw the scores. They were firmly in the lead with two skaters left. Quickly doing the maths, she realized they couldn’t catch them.

It was a blur of shouting, crying, applause, and a nearly bruising hug from Kylo.

“We did it!” He said, gripping her hard. She buried her head against his shoulder, before slowly remembering that the world was watching. They stood up and waved to the crowd. Rey felt like she was floating as they ambled to the winners’ couches to watch the final two routines. The Germans and the Chinese were still chasing them so the next few minutes would be going through the motions of watching the other skaters. It was a big victory and they would be able to go to the Grand Prix final if they chose, but Rey wondered if it was more important to focus on the US Championships for the Olympic Trials. This win would put them in an even better position to get selected for the team.

“It’s so hard not to kiss you right now,” Kylo whispered as they sat down, greeting the other skaters in the top spots they would soon be losing.

She gripped his knee in response and kissed him quickly on the cheek. “That will have to do for now.”

When the last skaters got their scores, there was more celebrating. He lifted her off her feet and she felt tears sting her eyes again. How was this happening? She felt herself start to shake. Maybe she didn’t deserve any of this. Kylo had brought her to this point and she wouldn’t have gotten there without him. Her tears were briefly sad as she lingered in his arms.

She couldn’t lose him.

The thoughts clung in the back of her mind as they followed the routine of the rest of the afternoon. There were official photos and video taken. The press conference would be the next morning, before the ice dance. Poe interviewed them briefly off the ice as the crew prepped for the men’s skate; he actually looked secretly overjoyed for them and Kylo gave proper answers. They would get their medals after the men were done skating so there would be a bit of waiting. Wrapped in her Team USA sweater, Rey sat beside Kylo in a call area within the arena as they watched the men skating. She could hear Kylo point out everyone’s mistakes under his breath but it didn’t bother her. Other skaters lingered around, congratulating them or giving them jealous looks.

An ISU representative knocked at the doorway. “Miss Niima, Mr. Ren? I’d like to speak with you.”

They stood up and shook her hand. Rey tried not to react to the purple hair. She had seen the woman throughout the tournament and still couldn’t believe that some one with purple hair worked in such a professional position as she clearly did. She held a neatly ordered clipboard and wore a tailored pantsuit. She smiled at them lightly.

“I’m Amilyn Holdo, we’ve talked by email and on the phone,” she greeted. “I thought that it would be good for you to put a proper face to the name, leading up to the US Championships.”

They both nodded before Rey spoke. “It’s nice to meet you. It’s been a good season so far.”

“Oh, yes,” she said. “You’re both ranked very high on the committee’s list after this and your season scores. We’re surprised since you’re such a new team, but it’s a good story for Team USA.”

Kylo nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Rey, I will call you again about some of the issues we've been having about your visa. It's not a big problem or anything, just something we would need to fix before Korea. We’ll be in touch over the next few weeks,” she said, standing to shake their hands again. Some one called to her in the hallway and she turned back to them. “I think that there are some guests here for you?”

Kylo’s back straightened but he nodded. They walked out into the hallway and were greeted by his parents. Holdo had stayed in the room, talking to other skaters. Rey would let them take care of the visa issue because it was nothing she could control. Surprised, Rey grinned and quickly hugged Leia in greeting and even gave Han a quick hug as well. Kylo merely nodded at his parents, both of who were beaming at them both.

“I’m so glad we got to see that,” his mother said. “That was unbelievable. Congratulations.”

“Must feel good,” Han said. “Good job, you two.”

Kylo nodded. “I’m glad you could make it.”

“Really?” Leia asked with a quirked eyebrow. “That’d be a first.”

Rey expected a snappy or bitter reply but Kylo only shrugged. “Winning makes me...more agreeable.”

“I didn’t know you were coming,” Rey cut in. “But I’m glad anyway.”

Leia nodded. “We both know that you’ve got a full afternoon, but if you can, we’d love to have a late Thanksgiving dinner with you both. It would be a little celebration.”

Rey looked hopefully at Kylo. It had been years since she properly celebrated the American holiday. “I think that we’re free.”

Kylo didn’t say anything, but nodded. Leia clapped her hands in joy. “Great! We rented a suite at the Crowne Plaza. It’s not like home, but we’ll make the best of it.”

They chatted for only a few more minutes before the same representative, Holdo, rushed them away. Rey had waved earnestly when they left and felt even more satisfied with the day. She noticed that Kylo didn’t look as uncomfortable as he usually did when the topic of his parents were brought up. She was still thinking about them as they prepared for the medal ceremony. They were still in their costumes, although she had touched up her makeup during the break. Their names echoed around the arena and Rey imagined how proud Kylo’s parents must have been at that point. Things were going so well that she had to pause to take in all of it.

As they stood at the top of the podium, Rey took a deep breath, trying to look beyond the photographers and the Chinese and German skaters beside her. She grasped her flower bouquet and counted every petal. She needed to remember this moment forever.

“We’ll get here again,” he said, lowly, leaning into her ear. “You’re so beautiful.”

She looked up at him and smiled brightly. Rey didn’t speak, but he returned the look.

He was all she could think about when they arrived hours later to his parents’ hotel suite. He hadn’t said much the rest of the day, but had spent any time that they had alone touching and hugging her. The first time that they were really alone was in the taxi from the arena to the other hotel. She had wrapped her arms around him and they kissed deeply and passionately, almost wanting to stretch out below him in the backseat of the cab.

Han greeted them at the door and Kylo actually shook his hand in greeting, surprising Rey. Leia hugged them both and they entered the room with a view over the lake. It wasn’t as extravagant as the summerhouse—what _could_ be—but it still suited their attitudes. The small table in the dining area was set, although the food hadn’t arrived yet. Rey felt hungry but most of the knots in her stomach were from the situation, as the reality of it dawned on her.

She wanted to kiss and hug him in front of his parents, but they hadn’t talked about what to do. It had been more important to bruise each other’s mouths in bliss on the ride over. The euphoria of the afternoon made her want him even more.

Han handed her a drink from the bar area. “I still don’t know what you like, but it’s hard to go wrong with a whiskey sour.”

Her ears burnt at the mention of whiskey, remembering how she had teased Kylo the night they first got together. “Thanks, I’m not really picky.”

Kylo picked up his own glass and looked around the room. “You might as well have booked the entire floor.”

He was studying the various pieces of luggage that rested in seemingly every corner and stacks of books and papers littered everywhere, including the bed. They didn’t travel light.

“It was a bit last minute, or she would have,” his father answered, stretching out in an armchair in one of the few free corners. “There’s some archive here she needed to check out. I let her do what she wants, as long as I can call up some of the guys from the team from time to time.”

Rey felt her head nearly start to spin. She was looking around the room again when she realized that Kylo and his father were having an actual conversation. Not wanting to break it, she followed Leia out to the balcony. The air was a bit chilly, but the view was beautiful. She was alone with his mother and that felt both awkward and calming.

“I don’t really like New York,” Leia said. “I grew up in the city but the entire state is just…something else.”

Rey nodded. “I hate where I grew up. It was a dead industry town. Everyone complained about Thatcher but still voted for her before I was born. I never had a decent bed to sleep in before I came to America so I don’t really think about where I’m from as home.”

Leia sipped on her drink and leaned casually against the railing. “So how’s my son’s bed?”

Her stomach clenched and her eyes went wide with surprise. “ _What_.”

Leia reached out to touch her arm. “I didn’t mean to scare you like that. I just didn’t know how else to ask. And I can be a little dramatic. Maybe that’s where he gets it from.”

“Right,” Rey took a long sip of her drink before looking out to the lake. What should she say? Deny it? No, that didn’t make sense. “It’s…it’s new. I…I like him.”

She was tongue tied, searching for words before Leia gripped her elbow again. “If he hurts you, you can always talk to me, Rey. I think that you’re part of the reason he’s started to talk to us again. But he can still be...unpredictable.”

Rey shivered in the November air, but nodded. “He told me about the accident. I think I understand most of it, but there’s still some things we have really talked about. I want him to trust me.”

Leia nodded. “You are a good girl. I don’t know what you went through as a child but maybe you can help one another. I’ve missed him. You’re good to him and we like you.”

The doorbell chimed, although it was muted by the balcony door. They finished their drinks as they reentered the suite. Rey tried to shake the stressful conversation when she rejoined Kylo. He gave her a look that showed he’d had a similar conversation. She hoped that the lingering joy of their victory would sweep away the nervousness they now felt. As Leia fussed with the food cart and the hotel employee wheeling it in, Rey reached out her hand. Kylo looked at it, met her eyes, and then slowly nodded. They moved hand in hand into the dining area.

Leia and Han were lightly bickering over how to set everything on the table. Eventually, Leia waved Han off to open the wine. Rey took a step closer to Kylo and he dropped his arm around her. Maybe this dinner would be different.

Leia and Han noticed how they were standing at the same time. Han gave them a bit of a whistle and handed them both a glass of red wine. He gave one to his wife and then raised his own glass.

“Cheers to our victors. Congratulations for today and, well, for this.”

Their glasses clinked and even though Kylo was smiling, Rey could still see some tightness at the corner of his mouth. He took a big gulp of wine and that made her slightly nervous.

“The kitchen couldn’t do everything I asked for,” Leia explained, moving back to the table. She seemed to ignore how her son could be stiff at times.

Han rolled his eyes, also taking a long drink of wine. “Your stepmother’s turkey recipe couldn’t be fixed by the best chefs in the country, trust me. Plus these two have to skate tomorrow. Don’t fill ‘em too full.”

Unlike the last dinner, Kylo actually seemed not to need to force himself to talk with his family. He wasn’t there to fight or to make Rey satisfied. It seemed like he was there on his own accord. The food was good, but Rey imagined a larger and better spread at Leia’s. There was a turkey, sweet potatoes, regular mashed potatoes, green beans and a salad. For the four of them, it was a good amount of food. She saw a pumpkin pie resting on the counter and daydreamed about what a true Thanksgiving dinner would look like at the Solos.

A sudden image of her and Kylo guiding a small, chubby-cheeked child around a buffet, insisting that he take at least three beans for every bite of potatoes. He’d be dressed in a tiny sweater vest, his dark hair combed in a way that it never was at home. He’d drink too much lemonade and stain his khaki pants trying to play football with his granddad. His grandparents would still give him extra pie, despite how much or what he ate. She would be holding their tiny daughter, who would still be nursing, dressed in a frilly pink dressed. The thought made her freeze and stare at her half-full glass, trying to remember how much she had drunk. If she was daydreaming about babies at this point, it was time to cut herself off. She drifted back into the conversation.

“…and you’re right. That music is godawful.” Han said, finishing his glass of wine.

Rey forced herself to laugh, trying to loosen herself from her imagination. “We got good marks for it—and the audience loved it. You both are snobs.”

Kylo reached out and took her hand and kissed it before speaking. Their elbows rested on the table and he looked at her with a smile. “Sweetheart, Ed Sheeran is a tool.”

Both of his parents burst out laughing and she followed, being drawn into their joy. He also started to laugh. The weather had started to turn and she could hear the wind start to blow against the balcony door, but in the hotel room, she felt warmth and a feeling of family and home.

She declined a drink and coffee with her pie, but she still ate a piece with a smile. Rey had slightly glared when Kylo accepted a glass of cognac without coffee, but he knew his body better than she did, apparently. They finished dessert and tried to leave before it got too late. The press conference the next morning was already approaching.

After their cab was called, they lingered by the door to the suite. Rey took Kylo’s hand after they put on their winter coats and they were saying goodbye.

“Well, let us know when we should book our tickets to Korea, kids,” Han said, giving them both a nod. “We’ll be there unless the princess here has some law emergency.”

Leia rolled her eyes. “We’re both so proud. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Rey said. Kylo only nodded lightly and they left. The trip down to the cab was quiet.

“You’re beautiful,” Kylo whispered when they got into the car. “Thank you for dealing with them.”

She kissed him and then smiled. “They were fine. I guess I should thank you for being…well…”

“Normal?” He interjected.

“Yeah,” she supplied.

He kissed her again. “I can pull it off from time to time.”

She felt a rush of the alcohol and the lingering endorphins fill her thoughts again. “I…I started thinking about Thanksgiving when we were there. I started to imagine us as a family at your parent’s house and…”

“Do you want a family?” He interrupted.

She thought for a moment. “I never really had one so I don’t know. It would be nice to hug and kiss some one who depends on you and needs you without questioning it. I guess…I guess I’d like to create real memories for myself from my own children. That sounds selfish.”

He shook his head but his tone was flat when he replied. “It’s not selfish at all.”

They reached their hotel and he held her hand, leading her inside. She started to hate what she had admitted because she felt a slight distance between them.

As they stood in their pajamas and brushed their teeth, Rey was still rolling the conversation over in her mind. “Do you want a family?”

He stopped what he was doing to give her a firm look. “I haven’t had the best role models either, no matter how nice they seem. But right now, Rey, we have other things to think about. Okay?”

His tone was light but also warning. They needed to be back on track. She felt slightly sad that he wouldn’t indulge in her fantasies but also knew it was for the best. She didn’t cry but filed the feeling away for something to deal with in the future. Kylo was right. This was their season and she shouldn’t ruin it with thoughts about the future.

She desperately made love to him that night, clinging to him with as much passion as she could. He loved her back, letting her ride him as he pressed up into her while on his back. She saw stars when she orgasmed and he held her against him as he came. He kissed her cheek and breathed heavily into her ear.

“I’m yours.”

She gripped his face and kissed him deeply. “I’m yours too.”

They slept deeply that night. Rey pushed away thoughts about the future and started to play out their gala routine in her mind. The present needed to be taken care of first.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brief mention of sexy times. Nothing too graphic. Thanks again for the kudos. I think I need to add another chapter or two to the ones I had planned but we'll see.


	18. Christmas 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Christmas Eve and Rey tells Luke and Kylo about a painful incident in her past. Kylo still doesn't know what to think. See notes for warnings.

**Late December, Hartford**

 

“Happy Christmas, Luke!” Rey greeted, pulling him into a hug at Kylo’s front entrance stood there, a little awkward and holding a bottle of wine.

“Thanks, Rey. Merry Christmas to you…both,” he still looked stiff but took off his boots. “At least it’s a white Christmas.”

Kylo didn’t answer, focused on the food. Rey let him in and took the wine. “We’re glad you can make it.”

Luke still seemed to cringe whenever Rey brought up “we” and part of Kylo still felt a little wary of getting too comfortable, but he wanted to be. He was starting to feel like he wanted to give her everything. They’d been officially together just over a month, but had been partners since February so it felt much longer.

They had decided to spend the short Christmas break at his apartment. They had declined his parents’ offer in favour of more training, so that meant no long journey to the other side of the region in the snow. Luke had actually come over on Christmas Eve to share the small early evening meal with them. Maz had gone to visit some boyfriend and no one in the rest of the club accepted Rey’s offer. He guessed it was because of him.

“We made a roast,” Rey said excitedly. “It’s been ages since I helped anyone made a roast.”

“So are we having a traditional English Christmas?” Luke asked. “Maybe you can share some stories from home?”

The tips of Rey’s ears were red from the drinks they’d had while making the food earlier. She was happily buzzed and Kylo enjoyed her laughter at the question.

“Luke, you would have died looking at the old rink I used to skate it,” she shook her head. “I think the place only stayed in business because they were connected to a pub. Such a strange set up.”

Kylo checked on the potatoes and then left the kitchen area. “Do you want a drink?”

“Yes!” Rey said.

“ _You_ need to wait, sweetheart, or you’ll pass out and ruin Christmas,” he turned to his uncle. “Luke?”

“Yeah, I’ll have one. Hers too,” he teased.

Rey just grinned, suddenly noticing the bag he had set by the door. “What’s in there?”

Luke took the glass of steaming mulled wine from his nephew and took it with a tight smile. “Presents. I have a white beard, might as well act like Santa Claus.”

Rey giggled again. Kylo handed her a bottle of water and gave her a look. She sipped at it and pretended to look offended.

“When do you open presents in America?” She asked. “I’ve never had like a proper Christmas. It would always be with other skaters so there was never really anything traditional.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “You watch enough bad movies to know.”

“Movies aren’t real life,” she replied, flopping down on the couch. “ _Love, Actually_ isn’t really like it is in England at Christmas.”

“Mr. Darcy doesn’t stalk a Portuguese waitress every year?” Luke mumbled, finishing his drink and gesturing for another. Kylo filled his glass and took one for himself to sit next to Rey on the couch. She snuggled up beside him and Luke took the chair, looking at them.

Kylo wanted to say something smart about that awful movie but pushed it away. He was usually on the losing end when they argued about pop culture.

“I’m happy you’re not alone on Christmas,” Luke said, meeting Kylo’s eyes. He sipped at his drink and Kylo nodded.

Christmas and New Years always brought back memories of the days before the accident. It had been so long ago but that last Christmas was still one of the last normal holidays he had had in a long time. Well, since the impromptu Thanksgiving. And all of that had been because of Rey.

“It’s nice,” Kylo said. “Right?”

Rey looked up from his chest. She had been eyeing the packages, still waiting for an answer about when she could open her gifts. Luke chuckled.

“Fine,” he stood up. “Here comes Father Christmas.”

He handed out two packages to each of them. Rey looked at Kylo and grinned when she saw that one of the gifts was from his parents. Kylo was starting to realize how much she missed having a family. It seemed like she’d never lived with anyone other than roommates for a long time too. He didn’t really want to think about how she grew up. She would talk about it from time to time and he would do his best to listen. Sometimes, he wasn’t very good at it.

“Youngest goes first,” Luke said.

Rey opened her first package. It was a new cashmere scarf from his parents. He suspected that since his gift was the same size, he would also be getting a scarf. And it was. They were different colors but the same pattern. He had to roll his eyes at his mother’s idea of what was a good idea.

“We can’t wear it at the same time,” he said, dowsing Rey’s hopes.

“You’re so mean,” she said, swatting at him. She suddenly got quiet. “Luke I just realized we didn’t get you anything.”

He waved them off and Kylo was relieved. “Rey, it’s not that often someone else makes me food. Just being here is an okay present.”

The next packages were from Luke. One was a Korean dictionary and the other was a Korean travel guide. Rey laughed.

“Are you sure this won’t jinx us?” Kylo asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, when we go to Beijing the next time we’ll take a vacation in Korea on the way there,” was Luke’s slow reply.

Rey jumped up to hug and thank him. “Thanks so much Luke. I’ll have to call Leia and thank her.”

Finally, the timer on his phone started to ring from the kitchen. He stood without saying anything and moved to get everything ready. He finished the food, taking the roast and the potatoes out of the oven. Rey and Luke were chatting on the couch and he was happy to take care of the food as a distraction. Rey was getting close to his parents and that was forcing him to deal with his past even more. Rey wouldn’t press him to talk but he would gently reveal things in time. It never came out in the rush like on his birthday but he was letting his guard down. That probably wasn’t the best thing, but he loved to see her smile.

“Okay,” he finally said, after setting the food on the table. “Come and eat.”

Luke was shaking his head as he sat down. “I still can’t believe you took the time to learn how to cook.”

Kylo helped Rey into her chair and then took his own. “I think, like everything, I learnt it out of spite.”

Luke chuckled, taking it as a joke. That was only really partially true. Rey laughed and he opened the bottle of red on the table. He served his guests and then himself. He raised his glass.

“To the season,” he said.

They toasted. He wasn’t sure which season he meant. It might have been Christmas or their season together.

Rey was eating lightly, tasting all of the food before judging his cooking. “It all almost tastes like home. Really Kylo, it’s delicious.”

“Almost?”

She shrugged. “Maybe I’ve never had a real Christmas either.”

She looked distant for a second before eating a bit of potatoes. She looked distant over the course of the rest of the meal, but would smile and talk when they asked her something. Luke and Kylo had a slightly forced conversation before everyone fell silent, finished eating. There was still wine left and Rey sipped on hers before sighing.

Both Luke and Kylo were quiet and Kylo felt his heart start to beat faster before she spoke, feeling uneasy.

“It was around Christmas one year, when I was about ten or so,” she started to say. “I thought that the family was nice at first. I moved there around October. There were two parents and two kids that were their own, plus another older foster boy. I had my own room for the first time and it felt like heaven after sharing a room with three boys since I was eight. Their house was this ancient three-level place just off the main road. They put me there for a better school but the rink was so much further away. I was so worried when I got there. But they said they would help me.”

“Rey,” Kylo said suddenly. “You don’t have to tell us, if it’s too…sad.”

She shook her head. “No, I think I need to.”

She closed her eyes and nodded to herself before opening them again.

“The first two months went fine,” she finally said after a long drink of wine. “They would take me to the rink and they even paid my yearly fees. I was ecstatic—I usually had to collect cans or work cleaning for pence to save up for everything. The homes were always supposed to give us a stipend but most places just took it. Everything seemed so great.”

Kylo was sitting up straighter. Luke had taken a sip of his drink, but was nodding and looking at her sincerely.

“Seemed?” He asked.

Rey nodded. “The other two kids were fine. They walked me to school and seemed normal. But the other boy…after that first month he started to get jealous that I was getting special treatment. I needed to apply for some sort of stipend of scholarship for low-income kids to compete in sports. I knew it was because the parents would get a cut but it would help me along the way. I could get new skates and it would pay for costumes and ice times…”

She trailed off and looked down at her plate. “Kylo, thank you again. This was great.”

“I’ll clear the table if you’re done with it,” he said. She nodded and she sat with her glass and seemed to be thinking about what to say. He brought out the bottle of port once he had cleared the food to the counter. The table was behind the couch in the living area so everything was moved to the kitchen island. There would be leftovers for lunch for a while.

He handed out the port glasses. She put her hand on his lightly and smiled. He sat down again and she started to talk.

“The boy was about fifteen and he was so angry all of the time,” she said, flatly. “Christmas was coming and I wanted to get the parents something since they were the first normal people I’d known in years that I thought I could trust. I…I trusted him, stupidly, and asked him to take me into town to go to the shops.”

Kylo sipped his wine and wished she wasn’t sharing this with both him and Luke. This was something private that he only wanted him to tell her. He tried to clamp down on his jealously but it needed to be fine.

Her eyes started to tear and he gently moved her glass out of her reach. It was practically empty.

“I thought I knew my way around, but he took me to this part of town that I didn’t know at all. We got off the bus and walked for a while and I was scared, it all felt wrong. I asked him what was going on. There was this gang of boys waiting at this play area and I felt so, so afraid,” she was whispering.

He wanted to tell her to stop. Luke also looked panicked, suddenly.

“Rey…sweetheart.” Kylo said. “We’re here for you.”

Luke looked at him in surprise but gave him a seemingly proud nod.

“I think that I knew what they had in mind,” she spoke again. “I could see it in their eyes and had seen that look before. One of them grabbed at me and pushed me down. He was pinning me against the ground and started to pull…at my clothes. I punched him in the nose and he grabbed by jacket and was able to get out of it. That jacket…it was my favorite. It had everything in it. My money for gifts. My keys, including the one to my locker at the rink. I kicked at him and got away. I can’t believe that I was able to get away. I lost my shoes, some how. Thank god, this policewoman was at the end of the street. She scared them away and took me back but I still had to come into the house without shoes or a jacket.”

They sat in silence and Rey silently sobbed. Kylo finally pushed her glass closer to her again. She saw the motion and smiled at him. She finished her drink, tears still dripping down her face.

“What happened?” Luke asked, his voice hushed.

Rey shrugged and cleared her throat. “The other boy lied and said that I wanted to ‘do things’ for the boys to pay for skating. The parents—the parents—I couldn’t believe it but they took his side. He’d been with them for so long that they just listened to him. I was placed in another home with this awful drunk, but at least I got the stipend. I could spend as much time skating as I could and not think about how _they_ were still profiting off me.”

Kylo took her hand, not knowing what else to do. “You were brave, Rey.”

“But they still gave me away,” she shook her head. “I thought they wanted me and they gave me away. They lied about wanting me.”

“Those awful foster parents will never know you again,” he said, lowly. “They will never get a chance to know the person you have become.”

She smiled a little, wiping her eyes. “I…I’m sorry for ruining Christmas.”

Luke scoffed. “Kylo maybe you tell her about _that_ Christmas.”

“ _No._ ”

Luke laughed and reached for the bottle of port. Kylo, reluctantly, handed it to him. Luke poured himself and Rey another glass and gave Kylo back the bottle. Not knowing what else to do, he poured himself another glass.

“I think that this will brighten the mood,” Luke looked smug and stroked his beard. “You were what, six or seven?”

“I was eight,” Kylo said, flatly.

“Right,” he smirked. “Anyway. We went out to the Vineyard for Christmas. I forget why Leia didn’t want to be in Providence.”

Kylo rolled his eyes. “No one wants to be in Providence.”

“You hate everywhere but California so shut up,” Luke finished his glass and motioned for another. Kylo gave him the bottle. “So we bundle out there and she starts warming up the house, decorating and bossing us around. He was eight going on three, I swear. He would pout at everything that didn’t go his way. The television went out after a couple of hours and he started crying when we couldn’t fix it…”

Kylo glared, from the bottom of his soul.

“So he decided that there would be no Christmas for anyone if he couldn’t watch some show. He gathered up ALL of the presents and started throwing them into the empty pool. Even his own. I came downstairs and he was almost done and was yelling at Leia about what he’d done,” Luke was starting to laugh at the memory and Rey was chuckling lightly, her mood brightening.

From where he sat, the story was only mortifying but at least she was smiling again.

“Han came in just as his son realized that he’d also thrown his own presents down there and Han got this look on his face I’ll never forget,” Luke said. “He basically said they couldn’t have any presents unless Kylo got them. Now, imagine this. It’s the coast. There’s snow everywhere. He’s at the deeper end. The wrapping paper is covered in snow and little B…Kylo needs to climb down into that ridiculous pool that they have…”

Luke got the hugest grin on his face and Kylo closed his eyes and sighed.

“My father pulled up the ladder,” Kylo sighed deeply. “He told me I had to have Christmas…in the pool. I didn’t know it was a joke so you can imagine…”

“You must have been furious!” Rey shouted with a laugh. “I can’t imagine how adorable it was.”

“It was, actually,” Luke said. “But we couldn’t let it go too far. He was maybe down there five minutes before Chewie helped him up, pushing Han aside and swearing at him.”

“Chewie?” Rey asked.

“Leos Ctvrtlanik,” Kylo said, gathering their glasses to move from the table. He pulled out a bottle of sparkling from the fridge and motioned towards the couch. “From Czechoslovakia. He was like seven feet tall and played with my father. He could basically reach down with one hand and help me out of the stupid pool.”

He poured three glasses and waited for them to move. He waited until Rey was beside him to hug her thoroughly. “I realize now that it was just a stupid joke—a mean, cruel joke—but I was so angry at them. Mom was upset too. She made Han apologize and make me cocoa.”

“What did you end up getting for Christmas?” She asked, before sipping on her glass.

“A slightly damp GameBoy color,” he mock glared at Luke when he came to sit down again, taking his glass. “So I didn’t need the stupid television.”

The mood had been lightened but things were still slightly somber from Rey’s confession. Kylo felt angry that he couldn’t change her past and realized that he could very much control her future. And that made him cringe, inwardly. He tried to relax against her and felt her leaning in.

“Rey,” Luke said, after finishing a single glass. “I…we don’t talk all that often about or pasts. I’ll tell you some day about Leia and I’s father, but that’s for another day. So I…I’m grateful you told us that. I know you must have so many more stories but that was…I’m proud of you.”

She smiled slightly nodded. “It felt…okay. And at least you didn’t throw me down a pool.”

Kylo pinched her, playfully.

But then Luke stretched. “Well, my children, I think I shall call a cab. The snow has stopped. We have a tight schedule coming up so only a half skate tomorrow. That’s another present from me. Take it or leave it.”

“Can I leave it?” Kylo mumbled and Rey swatted at him.

“It’s fine, Luke, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

Luke got a line on his phone and left, and Kylo felt the tightness in his chest release. Why did he have to compare his childhood to Rey’s with that story?

Still, Rey snuggled close to him and sighed. “That was nice.”

He could only blink and then realized there were far too many lights on. “Hey, I’m going to clean up a bit. Help me?”

She stood and helped him take the dishes to the dishwasher and put plastic wrap on the food. They had skipped dessert and that mildly annoyed him, given the time they had spent on it. He started the dishwasher as she turned off the lamp above the dining table. He dimmed the lights and they returned to the couch.

“Hey.” He said. She was looking at the television across from them blankly.

“Hi.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Like I ruined Christmas,” she said, sadly.

He shook his head. “No, you wanted to talk about home. And there’s nothing really good about it. That’s how it is.”

She sighed. “I never really had a home until now.”

He hugged her tighter, despite what he was thinking. What was he going to do?

They didn’t talk more the rest of the evening. He silently regretted not getting a tree but they had strung up Christmas lights on the balcony. He gazed at them and remembered again kissing her there and how he felt it was a mistake then, even though they were here, now, as a couple. She fell asleep in his arms and he leaned his head on hers. Could he really give her a home?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Mentions of a situation that can be perceived as the lead up to a rape/assault. It's not graphic but be warned.


	19. New Years Eve 2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's New Years Eve and Rey and Kylo spend it at home. He makes her dress up and Rey reflects on their year and how much she loves her partner and what's to come: the Olympic trials. See notes for warnings!

**New Years Eve, Hartford**

 

Rey was in another good mood when New Years Eve arrived. They had practiced a little that week and had some down time since Christmas. It made getting ready for the competition a little different. They had only a short couple of days to pack up and head out to California for the senior pairs events and practice times. There would be the press, other skaters, and a lot of practice to deal with so the tiny domestic moments would be put behind them.

But Rey was so happy with the domestic parts.

She had bought him a new type of coffeemaker and a pair of gloves. She had scrambled to find _something_ he didn’t have and decided that a new moka pot and some better gloves were the best. He’d smiled and kissed her on the forehead. They had opened presents in bed, letting the sunlight shine in from the beautiful Christmas morning outside. He bought her a headband, a necklace, and a new phone. She was overjoyed with the new phone, although her old one didn’t sync so she had to basically start from scratch and redownload and copy everything. Her old phone must have been ancient.

He had left her to go do some shopping for their meal that evening. She didn’t know what he had planned but liked being surprised. She was on the couch, moving numbers from one phone to the other in a painstakingly long process. At least this was giving her a chance to delete people she hadn’t talked to in years.

One number made her pause. It was just marked “Detective - Mum & Da”. The country code was to the UK. Her eyes widened as she remembered what the number was about. They hadn’t spoken in years, but it was the man she had hired to find her parents. It had been so long ago that she hadn’t really thought about him in that time. But she had held onto the number all this time.

Carefully, she copied the number to her new phone, but she put off calling for now.

Kylo was back, entering the room and mumbling to himself about hating the snow.

“Hi,” she greeted. “Did you find everything?”

He nodded. “But I’m still thinking about ordering everything online. The stores here are awful.”

“There’s nothing wrong with the ShopRite,” she shook her head, standing to help him put away the groceries. “You are probably overthinking it.”

“Do you know how much they _charge_ for delivery? It’s $10,” he complained, putting a can of coconut milk in the cupboard. “I’m not paying that.”

Rey was holding a bag of limes and suddenly burst out laughing. There was something so mundane and ridiculous about standing in his kitchen, listening to him whine about something like $10. He went from looking confused to finally smiling at her. She wrapped her arms around the back of his neck and kissed him.

“I love you,” she smiled.

He flushed, deeply. “Rey…” He met her eyes and kissed her again. “I like you.”

“Good enough for me,” she grinned and leaned up to kiss him again. _For now_.

“Come on, we have to start making dinner,” he said, gently shaking her away. “There will be time for this later.”

She faked pouting but agreed and let him order her around the kitchen. He was in a slightly anxious mood but gradually relaxed as they fixed the dinner. He had insisted on a multiple-course meal that took a little more effort than some of their other meals had taken.

She let herself sort of zone out as she moved around his kitchen. She was more comfortable here than at her place and she already knew where everything went.

Kylo was tasting the ceviche they were having for starters before putting it in the fridge to chill. He looked pleased with himself and met her eyes. “You could probably start getting ready now.”

She rolled her eyes. “I still don’t want to dress up. We’re not going anywhere.”

He smirked at her. “Come on.”

She sighed, acting defeated. “All right.”

Leaving him alone, she left for the washroom to shower and get ready. She thought it was a little ridiculous to dress up to stay at home but it was part of some plan he had. Home, this was her home. Putting some music on, she undressed and started the shower. She blushed slightly, thinking about the frequent mornings they would spend there. Part of her wished he had a larger bathtub, like the one at his parents’ house. Rey still thought about how it would have been to kiss him then, on Martha’s Vineyard, so they would have had more time together. Maybe he wouldn’t still be so wary around her.

Then, she thought about showering there the first time. It was vastly different now, but that time had made her feel some how sexy, despite the fact that she was in pain and he was angry with himself. Her mind then turned to the morning at the hotel and gently touched herself. She massaged her fingers against her clit and felt her pelvis muscles tense. She remembered the way he felt inside her and shuddered slightly, imagining him there now, making her body contract around his dick. They were better partners on the ice the better they got to know their bodies off the ice.

Blinking, she stopped herself from going any further, realizing that she couldn’t shower all evening. She quickly washed her hair and rinsed it, using some lavender shampoo he had bought for her.

Stepping out of the now-off shower, she quickly toweled off and wrapped her hair. She put on another towel and left the washroom to join him again in the kitchen.

“Was there anything in specific you wanted me to wear?” She asked. “I still don’t have everything here.”

He was adding some salt to the soup on the stove and looked up to meet her eyes, seeming to ignore her towel. “Wear something low cut.”

She smirked. “I don’t really _own_ anything really low cut. But I think I can find something.” She thought about dropping the towel and making him stop what he was doing, but pushed the thought away.

He looked handsome and focused as he turned back to the food. His hair was getting a little long and he would have to cut it before the competition, even though she liked it this way. She almost felt annoyed at how focused he was on their evening and not on her at that moment. He was always giving her small looks from time to time, but when he was focused on something, he usually shifted his interest. This included on the ice. She remembered their most recent practice and sighed at the thought of it all; he was the perfect partner in that way—their long program was very intimate and he would have to brush against her midsection, breasts, thighs, arms and practically anywhere during their practice time. She had to grab hold of so many parts of his body that she touched it clothed more often than unclothed. Even though he could flirt with her, teasing lightly when they were slightly more relaxed, he would be very professional on the ice. She could really trust him there.

Grabbing her phone from the washroom, she went to their bedroom to change. She was still lulling over their most recent practice in her head. She could trust him on the ice and now off the ice was where she wanted to be. Looking around their room, she felt warm at the thought that this was their space. This was where they slept and made love. She loved his bed and dreaded having to sleep at her place at some point in the future.

She searched through the closet and found a low cut, black dress. She shrugged at his request and put it on, then slipped on a pair of black heels and returned to the washroom to fix her hair and makeup. Turning the music back on, she heard him swear at something in the kitchen. Poking her head out, she asked what was wrong.

“I just dropped something,” he answered, keeping his back to her. He slammed something down, hard on the stove and didn’t look at her. She noticed now that he had changed at some point during her shower. He was no longer barefoot in his tight jeans and black t-shirt; now, he was in a crisp, black suit. She sighed as she turned away, as he swore again at something on the stove.

She fixed her hair and make-up and again thought about his outbursts. He didn’t actively try to hurt her like he did in the beginning but they still caused an ache in her. There were still some things they didn’t talk about.

That thought lingered when she emerged from the washroom, feeling as polished as she did when she stepped on the ice. He’d moved to the couch and was sitting there, with two drinks sitting on the coffee table. He stood up when she approached to hand one to her.

She toasted him. “Thanks.”

“You look so beautiful,” he said in return. “Thank you for doing this for me.”

“It’s no big deal,” she said, sipping the drink as she sat down. “I dress up all the time on the ice.”

He sat down next to her, putting his hand on her leg. “But this is just for me.”

She took in his suit as his hand traveled up her thigh, moving her dress to brush against her underwear and she sighed at the sensation. He almost looked a little disappointed to have his hand meet fabric.

“You should have joined me in the shower,” she said with a small grin. “We would have had time.”

He trailed his hand back down her thigh and returned to his drink. “I needed to finish dinner. Sometimes, I have other priorities.”

“Hm.” She said, lifting her glass again and eyeing how he drank his. He sure did, she thought. It would be a hard conversation the day they would need to talk about _that_. She still sipped at her drink and thought about how many things would be easier for them both if he could just talk about them. She pushed the feeling out of her mind and tried to focus on the evening he had planned. It had been a long, long year. She couldn’t believe the change in things since she last celebrated New Years Eve. That night had been spent curled up on her couch, pretending to hate the world. She couldn’t really hate it, but she really did feel totally abandoned.

When she looked at him again, he winked at her as he turned on the television to put on some music. He put on the classical music station, avoiding their usual bickering about what to listen to. He was handsome, strong, and talented, but not perfect. It wasn’t the things that were nice about him that made her want to be with him, but also the things that were difficult about him. He was stubborn and easily to anger. He could be angry at any turn and without warning. And he was secretive and still didn’t seem to trust her. But he still looked at her like he wanted to try harder. It was like being on the ice all the time. He wanted him to push her and her to push him.

She listened to the music as she finished her drink. Life wasn’t so bad right then.

“So,” he said, draining his glass. “Let’s eat. The last part will be the steaks.”

“Sure.” She followed him into the kitchen.

“I already put out the ceviche. I…” he suddenly paused. “I forgot to ask if you like it. Do you like scallops?”

She shrugged. “I’ve never really had it before. I will give it a try.”

“Are you allergic to shrimp?” He cringed again and she giggled. The soup was on a low simmer so it was too late now.

“If I swell up at the scallops, then we might want to skip the soup.”

She suddenly realized how he could go from so certain, to so nervous instantly. He wasn’t like this on the ice, unless he was annoyed with something he was doing, or something she wasn’t doing. She brushed her fingers against his hand as he moved to take the fillets off the counter.

“Kylo, everything looks fine,” she smiled. She still switched between the names, not knowing when he would be comfortable with it.

He nodded. “Well, I hope you like reindeer.”

He quickly put the two red fillets in a frying pan before she could answer. The chanterelle mushroom sauce was already bubbling beside it. She didn’t really question where he was able to find reindeer or how he knew how to cook it but guessed it had something to do with Russia. She still couldn’t believe he could do all of this. He was so focused on himself and on skating and seemed to be able to do anything, but was reluctant to do it. She felt both lazy and judged.

He opened the first bottle of white wine. “What did you do last New Years Eve?”

She sat down and watched him pour the glass. “I was still feeling awful. I think I told you that before. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t concussed and that felt nice…”

He sat down across from her and raised his glass. “To your head.”

“To my head,” she answered, clinking her glass to his.

As she started eating, she thought about how good the food tasted, as well as how he was finally starting to relax. He was looking down her dress from time to time, but pretending not to. She enjoyed watching him be attracted to her. He made her feel wanted and gorgeous. He could look at her and she just wanted to melt into him.

“Kylo, this is delicious,” she said, before taking another bite. “I didn’t even know I liked scallops.”

He smiled lightly back at her. “I’m glad you like it.”

She looked back down at her bowl, trying to come up with something to say. “Where did you go to school?”

He took a slow bite before answering. “I was home schooled until I left for California. There were good schools but it was too hard with my schedule and...their priorities. Before that it was about whether my father would leave the Bruins or not and my mother was away all the time. After I left, Snoke put me into this private school that was connected to his academy. It was mostly the other skaters but I still hated high school.”

She nodded. “I can’t count how many primary and secondary schools I went to before I settled in Sheffield. I was so happy to move to America. There was no way I would have passed my A-levels.”

He had finished eating and had drained his glass. He poured himself another one before filling Rey’s glass. She tried to think about how to explain it all but was almost glad he let it go.

“Rey, we’re not normal people,” he finally said. “You don’t have to feel bad all of the time.”

She shrugged, thinking that he was one to talk. “If you’re interested, I finishing high school here in America.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Why did you say that like I would be ashamed or…whatever…about your education?”

She finished her glass quickly. “I…I don’t know. You know so much more than me and you can do things that I can’t…”

“I can teach you,” he interjected. “Like with Russian. We can work on it.”

She smiled but still shook her head. “I’m British, Kylo, we’re not capable of being multilingual. We just conquer countries and force them to speak English.”

He laughed slightly then poured her another glass and she raised an eyebrow at the gesture.

“There is another wine for the soup,” he said, and then he mumbled the next part. “And the main course.”

She still couldn’t believe that he had all of this. It was basically like going out. Grinning, she looked at him.

“We could have just ordered pizza and drank beer,” she said. “But I’m glad we’re doing this. I like…living here.”

She knew that she hadn’t really asked to move in but had basically done it anyway. It felt daring to say this to him and test his reaction. She stretched her feet out, slipping out of her heels to rest her feet on his thighs across the table. His warm hand started to rub them.

“I’m glad that you’re here,” he finally said, then returned to their earlier conversation as if to avoid talking about the fact that they were living together more. “I hated school. I liked the education but hated the teachers and everyone else. There is so much that everyone _should_ know but doesn’t. And they look at you and judge you automatically without actually explaining anything.”

“That’s how I felt coming to America,” she drained her glass and let the warmth spread throughout her chest. “Everything was presented to me as if it was something I should already know.”

Again, she started to think about how different their upbringings were.

He cleared his throat. “Can you help me with the table?”

She didn’t realize how much time had passed, but she nodded. She helped him clear the table, starting to feel her face flush from the wine. Tonight might actually be a good night.

He poured the soup into a proper serving bowl and set it on the table. She watched how quickly and thoroughly he was moving. He first fetched their glasses and opened another wine bottle. He poured them both a glass and looked at her with a tight smile. He was about to set the fillets in the frying pan before she spoke.

“Did you ever go to university?” She asked.

He nodded. “I have a kinesiology degree.”

He quickly seared the filets on both sides and she sipped her wine. “How did you have time for that?”

He shrugged. “Mostly night courses and online. Snoke pushed it on me. I hate failing at anything so I finished it in three and a half years.”

She was still amazed by it, given the competition and training schedules they had to keep. He put the pan into the oven and turned to her and looked serious for a moment before forcing a small smile.

“Come on, sit down and we can eat and…talk more.”

She sat down and he served them both the soup and drink. He motioned for her to start eating but she was still wondering about what he said.

“So you want to coach when you retire?” She asked.

Again, he shrugged. “If there is room for me somewhere. I’m trying not to think that much about the future, but I think I have a plan.”

Inwardly, she hoped there was room for her in that. “I have no idea what I’m going to do. It’s sort of terrifying.”

“They’ll get you into broadcasting, Poe and his cronies. You’re too beautiful to be anywhere else but on television,” he answered, plainly.

She grinned broadly at the compliment. “I hope they think so too.”

“You should Skype him and ask.”

She laughed at the taunt. “Don’t be jealous.”

“I have to be,” he said. “You’re mine.”

She met his eyes and felt her body tighten. She wanted to be as beautiful as he seemed to think she was.

As they cleared the dishes and prepared for the final course— _had she ever had reindeer before?_ —they were lightly touching one another teasingly. His hand brushed against her back as she put the plates in the sink. She turned and he grabbed her hips, pressing her against the counter. She spread her legs, letting him come closer to her body. Tucking her hands under his suit coat, she dug her nails into his shirt and hissed as their bodies met. He leaned in, kissing the side of her throat. She wanted to get lost in his soft lips. The hairs on her arms started to rise and thought of him being inside her, being held and then pounded against the counter.

He kissed her slowly on the forehead and then slightly stepped away. Puzzled, she looked at him. He dropped his hands from her hips to grasp her hands.

“Rey, I keep thinking about what you told us on Christmas,” he said, quietly. “I keep thinking about what they could have done to you and it makes me so…angry.”

“It was something that happened,” she replied. “I’m not that little girl anymore, but I can’t forget her. And you can’t forget that you lived through a horrible accident, and you are not that boy anymore.”

He squeezed her hands once more and then turned back to the range. Grabbing an oven mitt, he opened the door to remove the pan. He set it down and gestured for her to get the plates.

The rest of the dinner was relatively quiet and relaxed. She smiled at him gently, sipping the wine and enjoying the food. Rey was so full that she was glad they didn’t plan on dessert.

“It was a good idea to have the salad on the side. Reindeer is actually pretty good,” she said, putting her cutlery on her empty plate. “Where did you get it?”

He shrugged. “A former teammate of my father is Swedish, from up north. He brings it over and my parents have a freezer full of it.”

“They really do have everything,” she said, nearly under her breath.

He looked guilty. “My dad was well paid, and that kept him away from me. My mother always had full research funding, plus her salary. But she was always away too. The savings came from my grandmother. She died when my mother and Luke were born so I’ve only seen pictures. The brooch I gave you was hers. My mother was taken in by another family that knew my grandparents and they raised her in her old home. They had money too. Luke was lost in the system for a while but eventually they all met. He…I give him a hard time but he didn’t have an easy life growing up either.”

“That brooch is beautiful, Ben, I love it very much,” she nodded as she spoke. She was slowly learning more about his past and was very thankful for that.

He bit his lip, looked away, and shook his head. He quietly gathered their plates and she sat there, not knowing what she did wrong. She slowly followed him into the kitchen area, carrying the pan and a bowl. Kylo had started rinsing the plates for the dishwasher and turned to look at her.

“Hey,” she said, touching his waist.

“Hi.”

She let him be and silently began to help him clean and organize the kitchen. She felt buzzed from the wine and wanted to feel happy and dance with him, but he looked very serious. He was always at war within himself, she knew, and she wanted to break through that. Once the kitchen was cleaned, he seemed to shake out of his mood and gave her a small hug beside the island.

“Sorry about that,” he mumbled into her hair.

“It’s fine,” she said. “You can tell me about it some other time.”

“Why are you so patient with me?”

“Because I need to be.”

He pulled her closer and she wrapped her arms around him. He shifted to tip her chin up towards his mouth and kissed her. It was a deep, long kiss that made her heart race. The way he held her made her desperately want him, but in a different way than before on the counter. That was for sex and now she wanted to make love to him.

He grabbed her ass to lift her onto the kitchen island, leaving his hands at her sides after he had set her down. She spread her legs, lifting up her dress as she moved. He pressed against her and she could feel his hard cock through his pants. Kissing down her neckline, he fondled her breasts, moving his hands up her body. Through her dress, she hissed as his hands touched her. She tangled her fingers in his hair, letting him guide her legs. After placing kisses on both of her clothed breasts, he returned his hands to her naked thighs. He found the loops of her panties and pulled them down. She wiggled them down to her ankles and reached for the zipper of his pants.

Their eyes met and suddenly they were moving too slow. No, this was about sex. He pushed her hands away and undid his pants, letting all of it fall to the floor. Grabbing her, he pushed her legs apart and firmly gripped her ass. She didn’t want to say she wasn’t ready and gasped when he entered her. It felt hot and rigid for a moment before she let herself begin to grind against him. She was filled with him and he pulled her closer and it felt like he hit her core. He was going to come inside her again and god did that turn her on. Grasping her sides, he thrust into her, shifting her slightly. He hit a spot inside her that made her cry out.

“Oh god! Ben!”

“Rey, yes.” He hissed, lightly biting the top of her ear. “ _Fuck_.”

She felt his thrusts getting quicker and tried to lean more into him. She needed his cock in her and she never wanted the sensation to stop. Hard, thick and long. Her body felt whole with him filling her.

“ _Mine_.” He said, kissing her again. Then he grunted and stiffened, filling her with his semen. This was always the best part—feeling him truly fill her. She panted, not letting him leave her yet.

“Yes, I’m yours.”

He met her eyes, still catching his breath. They locked gazes and she wiggled a little, feeling him slightly soften within her. His hair was messed up and the top button of his shirt had come undone; maybe she had caused it? His eyes were still wild but she saw him starting to calm down. He smiled lightly at her and kissed her gently.

“You need to let me go clean up now,” he mumbled.

“I guess this means no sex tomorrow,” she replied, cheekily.

“No, but later tonight isn’t out of the question.” He tenderly pushed her away and left her body. She focused on the fridge as he ordered himself and disappeared to the washroom. When he returned, he had removed his suit coat and tie. He had undone two more buttons.

She was still sitting on the island with her panties around her ankles.

“Hey, go get cleaned up,” he said, moving to the living room to do something with the television that she couldn’t quite see.

“I will,” she replied. “I’m just…catching my breath.”

She hopped down and fully removed her underwear. Her shoes had long been forgotten under the dining room table so she padded off to the washroom. From the living room area, she heard more upbeat music start to play. She cleaned herself up and fixed her hair and make up. The dress still looked wrinkled but she made the best of it. Sighing, she met her own eyes. She loved him and it was all happening too fast. She wanted her heart to stop beating so fast around him. Tears started to form and she looked down at the floor. She was happy and this was real. 

She returned to the living area to find him standing near the balcony. There was champagne sitting on the table with two glasses. It was about 10 p.m. but she knew he had another bottle hidden away somewhere. She was surprised she didn’t feel more drunk, but the evening had been long.

“I’m happy,” she suddenly said, as if to confirm it to herself, and he turned to look at her. “Are you?”

“Yeah,” he said. “Are we…okay?”

“Of course.” She smiled.

“Good,” he replied. “Come and have a drink with me.”

The next few hours were spent laughing over champagne and making out on the couch. Just before midnight they put on their winter coats and Rey put on her boots. They went out to the balcony and watched the fireworks being set off from city hall not that far away. She couldn’t see them from her place, but they could see them from his. Some other people were setting off fireworks at a nearby park and they too brightened the sky. She kissed him at midnight and felt warm, despite the cold.

That night, in his bed— _their bed_ —she drunkenly made love to him. It felt like he was clinging to her, holding her too close and his mouth lingered too long on her skin. She was his. This would be their year.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content :) A little bit of a fluffy chapter.


	20. 2018 U.S. Figure Skating Championships, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pairs selection for the US Olympics team is announced. Kylo has two surprises for Rey: one that brings them together and one that might tear them apart. (AKA This is why Kylo Ren can't have nice things.)

**Early January — 2018 U.S. Figure Skating Championships, San Jose, California**

Kylo knew it couldn’t stay perfect forever. Rey was not herself as they neared the end of their short program and now was not the time. Her arms had been a fraction of a second late meeting his before a lift. He was almost reluctant to force her into the air, balanced on his hand on her side, holding her skate in the air. It felt dangerous to push her. But the move was already underway before he could think. She dropped back into his arms and she felt so off-balance. He had to keep turning her and her body was already in motion. Holding his thigh after the rotation in his arms, where she was vertical to the ice, he had felt her nearly slip. He had to grip her tighter, twisting her up into his arms and spinning her horizontally.

He had given her a short glare before neutralizing his face and continuing with the routine. _Points for expression_ , was the phrase that Maz had drilled into him. _Look at her like you love her_. Then she would wink and he would try to suppress his reaction.

In the middle of matching his arm motions, Rey's eyes fell slightly before she returned back to trying to focus on the routine. They were done their lifts, their jumps, and their throws. Finishing the final artistic motions, he tried to get her under control but her eyes seemed to avoid him. The final pose, him raising her backwards by the armpits above his head, felt more like a pain than its usual elegance.

This short program at the trials only confirmed his pessimism about being together, he thought as they skated off the ice. He kept gripping her hand and whispering her questions. She would just shake her head and smile mostly for the camera. Luke eyed them when their scores came up. They were fifth— _fifth_ —overall going into the free skate, but they were still close; it wasn’t out of the question that they could still be selected. The quad could save them but Rey needed to be perfect. The routine had felt fine at the times but lacked the crisp edges and well-timed jumps from Skate America.

The past few weeks had been productive in practice, but occasionally either he or she would overthink things. They weren’t awful today but he still felt himself getting angry with Rey. She seemed distracted the entire time they were there, and he had to restrain himself from completely snapping at her. Making the Olympic team and what that would entail lurked in the back of his mind. He needed her to be focused for so many reasons.

He glared at her after they left the changing area. “What’s wrong with you?”

She seemed not to understand the question, adjusting the strap of her bag. “Ben, it’s fine I…” She glanced around, noticing other skaters and officials milling around. “…Kylo, I mean…”

He took a long and deep sigh. He had to force the words out of his mouth. “Tell me what this is about.”

They were heading back to their hotel room. Luke had left them alone the moment he saw them arguing. It was for the best, given what needed to happen in a few weeks. Maybe the honeymoon was over for all of them, but he needed to get Rey on his side.

She stiffened. “I didn’t want to tell you when we got here…”

“What is it?” he demanded, they were both alone now and heading out of the building to go to the hotel. California in January felt drearier than it really was, despite the lights hanging everywhere. It made him itch. He could almost feel Snoke’s eyes on him everywhere. What would he say to that man at this point? They were so close and it could still all fall apart. He had a short temper, not knowing what she was going to say. Their cab couldn’t come quickly enough.

He tried to think about what could have come wrong. Before they had left, it had been fairly normal. His apartment had gradually become Rey’s. She helped him cook and clean and his closet was starting to be filled with her clothes. He remembered both Christmas and New Years and had thought things had been fine, despite the fact that he was fighting some emotions inside about what she had divulged. He was also getting too comfortable and the urge to pull away again had started to rise, but he tried to ignore it.

He thought again about Christmas, pushing New Years away. He felt bad in a way that he had outspent her but he had more sponsors so he justified it in his head as a way of treating her to something she couldn’t have. Not everything had to be a competition. Hopefully she would remember the presents in the future.

Their relationship was something he needed, but at the same time he didn’t know how to deal with it. Slowly and almost reluctantly, they had also worked out their practice schedule and when they would have sex. They were both not really happy with it, but it was necessary. They could be physical on the ice and balanced it out with what they did off the ice. Just being able to hold her some nights was good enough. But now, in the Californian air, she stood there looking distant and avoiding him. All of what they had worked towards had apparently meant nothing. Rey was almost skating against him rather than with him. And that hadn’t happened for months. What did she know? He assumed it was about him.

Their taxi arrived and she sniffled when they climbed inside. After giving the address _again_ , he was still angry but the realization that something had happened that she wasn’t telling him started to claw at his emotions. She wiped her eyes and looked at him.

“They found my parents.”

He blinked, wishing the taxi ride would go faster so they could have this conversation in private. Why did this have to happen now when everything was on line for him and them? It was also important for her. Part of him also wished Rey had focused on his attempts to teach her Russian. While most of the skaters around them knew Russian, it would be helpful in their everyday personal life. “When did you find out?”

She shrugged. She usually didn’t keep secrets, but this was more important than who drank the last of the milk. “Yesterday. I thought…I thought I could handle it myself.”

They sat in silence, but he did take her hand and held it as they drove. He felt his stomach tighten. They pulled up to their hotel and he quickly paid the driver. He walked her inside, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. It was late in the afternoon but it was still lighter than he was used to in Connecticut. Russia was another story, he thought distantly. She looked like she was about to collapse as they reached their room.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

She sat down on the bed, toeing off her shoes. “I can’t let you take over my life.”

He took off his own shoes and took a deep breath. He counted back from ten before he spoke again. “It’s not just your life anymore.”

She looked up and he saw tears starting to slip down her cheeks.

He wanted to stay mad at her. He wanted to yell and fight with her and then angrily fuck to release the tension. But instead his heart started to ache for her. He really wasn’t the person he was a year ago and that suddenly terrified him. He needed control again. He needed to figure out what to do. There was a part of him that didn’t understand why she was so upset; he had a family and all he wanted to do was throw them away. Months ago, he’d have done anything to trade them away for anyone else or—better yet—no one. Now, he had her and her demons, plus his own obligations. At this point, he wished that some one else, other than him, could take over his thoughts.

She wrapped her arms around her body and studied the floor. “I was moving numbers over to my new phone and I found this old one from the UK. It was some detective who used to be at Scotland Yard or something I found when I was eighteen, when I realized I was going to stay in the States. I’d called around a bit before finding him but he said that he’d try to find them, since no one in Services had any idea. He called a few times but then stopped. I’d nearly forgotten about him. When I rang him now he said that he remembered me and then he sort of sighed, and that made me so afraid. He found…he found some answers. Eventually.”

He waited, wanting to reach out to her, but still felt embarrassed for being angry. Slowly, Kylo moved to sit next to her on their bed. He took her hand and nodded that she should continue.

“When I called, he acted like I should have tried harder to push him on,” she sighed. “It felt like my mistake.”

He rolled his eyes. “People have a job. But they’ll never do it. Trusting people doesn’t work…all the time.”

She smiled lightly and hugged against him. There was a long pause before she spoke again. “He finally said that they were dead. My mum had died just after I was left in care and it took him that long to track her down. She was some drug addict and had almost sold me rather than letting me go any other way. My dad lived longer but had drowned at the docks something like ten years ago.”

He’d often wished his parents were dead but couldn’t imagine losing people one hadn’t even known. The anger over the previous day, and the bizarre stressfulness of the situation, had faded slightly and he pulled her closer. He should tell her everything now but he realized that it would be too overwhelming. It was starting to feel overwhelming to wait this long.

“Rey, it’s okay to be sad,” he said. “But you…honestly, they abandoned you. They didn’t want you. But I do.”

She registered the small pause before he finished the last part of what he said. He kissed her gently and tried to make her believe what he was saying. He still felt a dull pang of regret of getting too close to her but this was how it had to be. She cuddled up closer to him and he leaned into her.

“If they had known you, they would have loved you,” he said, lowly, kissing down her neck.

“Do you love me?”

He paused, regretting whatever he was about to say. He wanted to tell her how he actually felt, but he resisted it. It needed to be locked away for now. He needed to find another way to make her feel better and make himself feel less worse. His voice shook when he spoke. “I can’t promise you anything right now, Rey, except that I like you and won’t leave you, unless you tell me to. I’m…not sure what love feels like.”

Biting her lip, she nodded. She didn’t appear sad or answer him but instead just looked at him blankly. Why did she have to look at him like she could read his mind sometimes?

“You’re the person I want to come home to,” he finally said, pushing aside one confusing thought for another and finally settling for a way to make her happy rather than what would have been closer to his truth. It wasn’t a lie, but it was what he meant in another way. “I want to tell you everything…one day. I just need more time to figure out what to say. This is still new to me, and I don’t want you to be sad. Your parents have been gone for so long, and I want you to put them behind you. I…like you. And I want you to feel the same about me. Rey, you’re everything. I don’t know if I can say that I love you, but I’ve never felt this way before.”

She blinked, looking up at him with a small nod.

“We skate tomorrow,” he said, slowly. “Think about what matters. This is our chance. Don’t let them ruin one more thing in your life.”

She nodded, after a while. This was taking too long. He moved to hug her. As he did so, he felt her start to cry against his shirt. He didn’t realize what she was keeping inside at this point.

“Tell me it’ll be okay?” She asked, whimpering.

“It will be okay,” he replied. “We’re so close, Rey, don’t give up now.”

She licked her lips and nodded. Kylo slowly realized a way to make her feel better, although it was also a way to sooth his own mind. He then kissed her deeply with every emotion that he could. She was hurting and he didn’t know how to fix it. He frankly didn’t care how her drunkard, addict, awful, parents died. She needed to be here and in this moment. Tomorrow and their free skate were coming hard and fast. There were so many words he wanted to say, but none of them seemed to work at that moment. She must have felt like an orphan and there wasn’t much he could do about that. He needed her to get back in the moment and fix her headspace. And he wasn’t as good at correcting those thoughts as she was.

He studied her body as he moved his hands over her clothes; he wanted to remove them and show her how much he meant to her. He tried not to let his anger bleed into his movements but it was still there, both at her and himself. It took so much of his strength not to hold her down and demand her to behave. Why should her dead parents ruin everything? Why was he getting so stressed out about both this and the trials? He felt himself ache inside—of course it was because it was the most important thing they would ever do and it meant a total change in their lives.

Part of Kylo wanted her to keep going because it was fantastic, just to hold her against him. But another part of him started to see the pained look on her face with every moment he stole to look at her. They had a big day tomorrow. It was better that they got along than got off at this point.

“I need you,” he whispered. She kissed him in response, trying to deepen their touches. “But we have to focus right now.”

“Promise you’ll never break my heart,” she asked, softly as her hands stilled. Her voice was so vulnerable and broken, her hands stilling on his stomach. She needed him and he wanted to be anywhere but there.

He felt instantly guilty and didn’t know what he could say to her again. They needed to get to their goal. They needed to keep going. He needed to focus and he needed her. Why did he let everything get so emotional? Everything seemed to depend on what he said and it made him ache.

“I promise.”

He hated thinking that it could be a lie. _It probably was a lie_. He wanted her to trust him and needed her to get back to where they had been before. She needed to change her attitude. He realized why he was feeling so on edge but couldn’t admit it.

Something did change.

Two words…he was able to convince her.

He’d never been so thankful.

The next day, Rey had looked at him with love but also a hint of restraint. She was more focused. It was like she understood where they needed to be at the right time. As they practiced that morning, she’d started to dare him and push him to their limits. Jumps got harder and she was ready. He smiled, deeply, at her as if to say bring it on when they skated onto the ice for their long program. They stretched out their arms, greeting the crowd. They had seemed to have found their rhythm again. When she smiled at him when they approached their starting positions, he quickly grabbed her and brought her closer to quickly kiss her cheek before she skated by. If that didn’t mean something, then nothing did.

And the skate for their life began on a common balance, even if he needed to fake it.

He took a deep breath as the first notes of their music started. 

It all came down to this.

 

-=-

 

Rey blamed herself for everything. Kylo had looked exhausted during every conversation over the course of the previous day but this morning had felt different. He wanted her to trust him again and vice versa. It loomed over her that he was not getting as close to her as he had been a short while ago. Because of her family, her heart had been broken into so many pieces. When she asked him about his feelings, he had replied to her thoughtfully, but still carefully. Although they had been worlds apart in their short program, she wanted to find him again when the time was right.

And now they stood there, breathing heavily after completing their routine. They’d landed the quad. His hand had been steady and she had flown perfectly. They’d done the triple triples. They were almost perfectly in sync. Their spins, jumps, and turns had brought them closer rather than pushing them apart. 

It was such a change from their short program and Rey couldn’t believe it. The ice felt like home again and she had breathed in time with him. His eyes were on her all the time and she wanted them to never leave her. It wasn’t the same dynamic they had had before, but it was what they needed.

She wrapped her arms around him and started to cry. He patted her lower back almost to the point of grabbing her ass. While still on the ice, she whispered teasingly, “You’re an asshole.”

“But it works,” he grinned in response. He pulled her closer before they parted to bow to the crowd. One side, then the other. She was happy to lift her head and meet the crowd this time, her smile genuine. 

Luke again patted them both lightly as they came to kiss and cry. He sat next to Rey and still eyed her with caution, wondering what had changed during this skate. He asked as much but she hugged him and said that she didn’t really now. She still felt that she wasn’t exactly where she wanted to be but it felt so much better to skate together than apart. Luke had grabbed her arm and nodded. Then he glared at Kylo and things felt like they had been reset yet again. Why did everything always needed to be his fault?

All she wanted was her scores. She groaned between the two men and gripped the stuffed animal she had grabbed off the ice closer to her chest. She needed to hold it nearer so she could breathe again before the scores could let her finally decide which direction her life would actually take. The animal was pink and stupid. There was no way that Kylo would let her keep it. 

Her heart nearly stopped when she saw the marks. They’d climbed up to second—a _strong_ second. She reached out and hugged Kylo hard without thinking; she practically crawled onto his lap then and there. _You didn’t have to win the trials to get to the Olympics_ , Maz’s voice rang in her head. They had just won a serious competition just before and that would impact the decision. She was telling herself all of that as he whispered something in her ear.

“We did it,” he said, pulling her close. She saw a slight tightness at the corner of his mouth, probably because they weren’t first. But he still looked at her with happiness. “You are perfect.”

She built on those words and let the rest of the event flow around her. They were so close, but her lapse in judgment could have cost them everything. There was a short press conference after their medal ceremony and she felt distracted the entire time. Sitting at the table, she took in the room. Dameron was there, among other reporters. Holdo, although in her representative role, still gave her a small wave from where she stood by the door. Rey hoped she would get a chance to talk to her today. She seemed to listen to her when they spoke after Skate America. She had tracked Rey down before they left and seemed to like her. As she scanned the room again, she felt a heaviness settle onto her chest again. During every previous interview, she’d always imagined that some one back home would be watching her, cheering her on from afar. Now, she realized, there was no one. She looked tired but answered the questions as best she could.

“What happened between the long and short program?” Poe asked, for once seeming to read how exhausted they looked so his tone was prodding yet cautious.

“We were a team for the long program,” Kylo answered, glancing slighting at her. “The short program…”

Rey cleared her throat. “I learnt of family emergency shortly before we arrived here. It’s nothing I can talk about openly right now but I…Kylo’s right. This long program is something we can be proud of. I wasn’t really there during the short.”

Poe eyed them both and nodded, then sat down. He was typing rapidly on his phone and that made her nervous. She saw Holdo give her a sincere look before turning to speak to another event coordinator.

The team would be announced within twenty-four hours so she thought it must have just been nerves for all of them. And now, Poe was also chasing a story and Holdo had to return to overseeing the rest of the weekend. The committee would be meeting that afternoon to assess their chances. The team that finished ahead of them had had an okay season, but they had been around longer. She hoped that Poe had some magic left to get them over the top. He always seemed to be able to pull them into the limelight in one way or another.

Despite how he’d been smiling earlier, it was now Kylo’s turn to be withdrawn. He seemed to be thinking about every single mistake they had made and assessing their chances, Rey guessed. In every article about them up until now, they were always in the running to make the team. Holdo’s words of encouragement also kept her going. They couldn’t have come this far to lose now. The next Olympics were too far away and, she thought, he might feel too old by then, although he’d never admit it although he complained about it all the time.

“Hux and Phasma made the British team,” he mumbled, glaring at his phone from across the hotel room. “They don’t even have a quad.” They’d been back for about a half an hour and he hadn’t really spoken.

“We’re better than them,” she shrugged. “Don’t think about it.”

“Let’s hope that the committee sees that.” He slumped down further in the chair. He nodded at her raised eyebrow but didn’t say much more. He scrolled through his phone and sighed again. She didn’t ask what it was about. After a while, he stood and stretched.

“I have to go for a while,” he said. “Are you okay to be here alone?”

She was a little confused but still nodded. “Yeah, it should be fine.”

She remembered that he used to live in California but hadn’t really thought much more about it. She wondered if this had something to do with his previous life. He quickly kissed her on the forehead, grabbed his jacket and left. Alone in the room, she finally let the last few days sink in. She had been so happy over Christmas and New Years that she hadn’t really taken all of what was about to happen seriously. They had only been dating for a short while and she had basically fallen into his life without thinking about what that might mean. 

After sending a quick text to Finn and then another one to Jessika, she stood and stretched. She knew that Kylo needed his time alone but it still bothered her that he didn’t tell her where he was going.

Her thoughts slowly turned back to her parents and felt her sadness starting to turn into a cold emptiness. They were gone and there was nothing she could do about it. She had a new family now, she decided. She had Kylo, Luke, and Maz. She had the other skaters back at the club. Finn and Jessika were there for her. She had Poe, but in a strange way. In another way, she had Han and Leia too. She wished that they were there to watch them again.

She needed to think about something else, she decided. Turning on the television, she watched the rest of that day’s events before turning on a movie on another channel. She didn’t catch the title and didn’t bother to check because it was just some silly romantic comedy. It was nearly time for dinner by the time Kylo returned. He had a neutral look on his face so she couldn’t begin to guess where he had been.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hi.”

“I got you something,” he took out a tiny jewelry box from his jacket pocket. With wide eyes, she took it, sitting up on her bed. Her heart started to beat quicker when she noticed the strangely tense, guilty look that crossed his face.

Inside was a tiny silver ring.

Tears sprung to her eyes as she looked up at him.

“It’s not an engagement ring, but I…I need to…It’s a promise ring, to show you that you have a future…with me,” he was atypically tongue-tied. “I need you.”

She leapt up to wrap her arms around him. “I need you too.”

He hugged her, long and hard, and she realized she was shaking. Pulling back she kissed him. “It’s a beautiful ring.”

“It’s silver—I know that the gold will come later.”

She kissed him again. “Can I wear it tonight?”

He looked apprehensive, but nodded.

She was watching him out of the corner of her eye as they changed and got ready for dinner that night with Luke. She would have rather attended the skaters’ dinner but realized that maybe it was better to spend it around her team. She was nervous about what the committee must have already decided. With some pride, she avoided checking her phone and Twitter feed. Rumors would only make her feel worse.

The restaurant was small, but she thought she recognized some other skaters in another part of the place. Luke was sitting at a corner booth, sipping on a whiskey. When they sat down and she picked up her menu, she noticed how Luke raised an eyebrow when he spotted the ring. There would obviously be a private conversation later that night.

“How do you feel about tomorrow?” He asked.

Rey shrugged. “I’m nervous. But we have a good chance. I mean, we skated so well in our long program.”

Kylo didn’t really react. “There’s not much more we can do at this point.”

He was silent during most of the meal, obviously more tense than he was willing to show. Since November, things had felt good between them. He could still be withdrawn from time to time but he was a better partner. Rubbing the ring on her finger, it felt elegant and delicate. He really cared about her, she had to repeat to herself.

When he left for the washroom later in the evening, Luke took her hand and lightly gripped the ring in question.

“What are you two doing?”

She blinked. “He got it for me today. Luke, I know that you don’t always agree about this…but I needed him. I haven’t had time to tell you but before our short program, I found out that my parents have been dead for years. It was so hard to take. He helped me. I’m still not feeling completely okay but he’s here for me.”

“I’m sorry, Rey,” Luke slowly said. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

“It’ll get better, right?” She asked, remembering the brief mentions she’d heard about his past.

He drained his wine glass. “It…it just gets further in the past. You’ll feel normal again one day and won’t even realize what changed. You can keep focused on how you feel and it will take longer, depending on what you want.”

“Why would I want to feel sad?”

Pouring himself another glass of wine, Luke briefly lifted his shoulders. “Maybe something else will make you feel even worse. Or someone else. It will be easier to deal with that sadness than the new pain.”

She sipped her own wine and met his eyes. “You’re talking about Ben now.”

Scratching his chin, he studied her before taking another smaller, slower drink. “He…he can be unpredictable. You’ve been together as a team for a short time and an even shorter time as…whatever. He keeps secrets and still thinks about himself first. Letting you down as a skating partner is one thing, but the other thing…”

Rey suddenly felt defensive. Luke had obviously not noticed or cared about how much Kylo had changed. “You shouldn’t talk about him like that. He’s not the same as he was when we started. Why are you so suspicious of him? You should be on both of our sides. He’s still hurt about the accident, I know, but you can maybe be the bigger man and give him the benefit of the doubt again.”

Kylo had returned at this point, but missed the end of the conversation. Standing at the edge of the table, he noticed the tension and glared at his uncle. Sitting down, he cleared his throat.

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who can ruin an evening,” he said with a light tone. He sipped his wine and Rey wondered why he wasn’t angrier with the entire situation.

“Look, tomorrow will be a big day,” Luke answered. “I’m going to head to my hotel. Don’t stay up too late. They should be in touch with us early.”

He stood and left, paying the tab on his way out. Kylo drank the last of his wine, looking distant.

“He still doesn’t want us to be together,” Rey told him, feeling both an enduring sadness and anger at their coach. “I told him about my parents and he acted like it was something he _wanted_ me to remember.”

He licked his lips and looked away, scanning the room before meeting her eyes again. “He’ll never fully trust me. And I will always blame him too. I think that we’re stronger together without him, in a way.”

“I have a good feeling about tomorrow,” Rey finally said with a small smile, trying to force herself to truly feel that way. Maybe they were something more than Luke was giving them credit for?

He looked at her with a neutral expression. “It has to be us, Rey.”

She took his hand. “Let’s go home.”

That night, as she rested her head on his chest, she felt a nervous fluttering in her stomach. She couldn’t quite fall asleep, but he was already slumbering beside her. Morning was going to come no matter what she did but sleep felt very, very hard to find. There was so much to think about: their performance, her parents, Luke’s misgivings, Kylo’s secrets. She eventually nodded off, but the entire night she didn’t really feel like she slept at all. She woke up around four and rolled onto her side, away from him. He stirred, mumbling something as she moved.

She thought about what Luke had said and her small anger briefly woke her up again. What was he thinking when he warned her? It wasn’t really helpful to try to push her away from him. She looked at the ring again and let the anger at Luke fade slightly, replaced by how much she felt needed by what it symbolized. He still kept his emotions to himself quite often, and still seemed to have mysterious thoughts that she didn’t know about. He had said as much. But this ring appeared to say that he would tell her one day.

When she woke up again later on in the morning, he was already out of bed. Sitting up, she yawned. He was drinking coffee, sitting in the chair in the corner of the room. He looked oddly calm, scrolling his phone as he noticed that she was awake.

“Any news?” She asked. She’d never been in this position before and was still uncertain about how the entire thing would go. What time would they let them know? It was nearly 8 a.m. He'd been named to the Olympics before so he knew. He had been in that position over four years ago and she needed him to help her through it. 

He looked up from his phone to watch her stretch. After setting his coffee aside, along with his phone, he stood, looking grim. He was moving slowly, almost like he was reluctant to face her. He folded his arms and frowned, seeming very serious. Rey felt herself start to panic, feeling like he was about to give her the news that they had picked the other team. What would they do then? The World Championships seemed like a dull consolation prize. Beijing was another lifetime away.

Suddenly, he looked up and his face changed. “It’s us.”

“What?!” She jumped up to stand on the bed. Looking down at him, she exclaimed again. “What?!”

He picked up his phone. Smiling, he showed her the email from Holdo. “They asked us to the press conference. You don’t go to the announcement if you’re not on the team. It’s embargoed for now, but Poe already tweeted something he thinks is clever.”

She leapt down from the bed into his arms, practically tackling him. “Why didn’t you wake me up? Why did you look like it was bad news? Oh my god, Ben, we’re going to the Olympics!”

He spun her around, taking in her excited laughter. “It’s fun to tease you.”

She cupped his face and kissed him deeply, dipping her tongue into his mouth. The hint of coffee was bitter in her mouth but as she felt him kiss her back, it was the best thing she’d ever tasted in the world. His tongue swirled against hers and she felt him gently set her on the ground.

He looked at her like he wanted to say something when there was a knock at the door. He groaned and moved to the door. Luke stood there, looking both proud and smug.

“Told you so, kids,” he was actually wearing a Team USA cap. He came into the room and handed them both the pullovers they were going to wear to the conference. Rey hugged him hard and she laughed nearly to the point of tears.

“I don’t know what to say,” she grinned. She felt like she was going to explode from happiness.

He shrugged. “Well, just don’t say anything to Dameron before the official announcement. He’s going to be overjoyed that his stalking can continue.”

She nodded. Luke left shortly after, mumbling about paperwork and plane tickets. They ordered up a room service breakfast and quickly showered in the brief time it would take to arrive. There was hurried kissing and fumbling under the warm water. Her heart was racing, both from his body and the announcement. He looked at her with intensity in his eyes, running his hands along her waist. It reminded her of how he would grip her before a throw. He was so focused on kissing her and she kept trying to get him to be closer to her, to be in her.

"Ben, please, I need you," she almost sounded whiny when she spoke. She grabbed his firm ass and ground her hips against his erection. His cock brushed against her clit and she bit her lip. 

"We might not have time," he said, kissing down her neck. She took him in her hand and started to stroke him. "Rey, ugh, you're perfect."

"No, you are," she answered. 

"Can you..." he nudged her to move down his body. She grinned; blowing him always made her excited. He had to hold himself back in a different way than when they made love. She loved seeing him have to be restrained. 

She slowly kneeled down, again thinking about the first time they had shared a shower. The way that his cock had felt in her mouth was such an incredible sensation. Now, it was even better. Gently, she gripped the base of his shaft and started to stroke. When she glanced up, his head was leaning back and his mouth was parted. He wanted her. He was attracted to her. Her confidence in giving blow jobs had truly increased in the short months they had been together. She took him into her mouth, stroking at the same time she moved her mouth. Her tongue brushed against the large vein on the side and she focused on matching the motions of her mouth with her hand. He started to moan when she hit the right tempo and she felt his hand come to the top of her head. He wanted more of her and she took nearly all of his cock into her mouth, trying not to gag. That was always the hard part. He gasped at being inside of her wanting mouth, gripping her head a little more. She wanted to make him come and to taste him again. 

Like with skating, she could find the right timing that would bring him over the edge. His body stiffened and she knew he was close. 

"Rey..."

"Mmhmm."

With her response, he filled her mouth. He tasted slightly bitter but she still swallowed, careful to let him finish. Slowly, he stepped away and helped her up.

"Thank you."

She laughed. "No, thank you. You taste good."

Kylo shook his head. "I'll, um...we don't have time...but you need..."

"You can make it up to me later," she said, leaning forward to turn off the shower. They were naked, wet, and comfortable. She never thought she would be comfortable being naked around someone else so often. 

He grabbed a towel to wrap around her body and she grinned at the sweetness of the gesture. He put on his own towel and when they were outside the shower, she looked at them both in the hotel mirror. He started his electric razor, after toweling off. He looked so focused and she didn't know what to do. Her hands were still shaking from the excitement but his face was set in some sort of satisfied determination. She wished that she could ask him what he was thinking. He looked like he was pondering what he would say to the media, causing a concentrated wrinkle to crease his forehead.

"Stop thinking," she said, touching his chest. "Unless you want to think for me."

He paused, stopped the razor. "I wish I could."

Rey smiled and stepped out of the washroom to find some clothes. She needed to leave him alone for a while. Throughout the rest of the morning he was checking his phone more often than usual, but it didn’t seem strange on a day like today.

She was getting more anxious as the morning went on. He was sitting silently in the chair, changed and ready to go, but his leg was bouncing nervously. Unable to find something constructive to do, Rey sent Jessika a private Instagram picture, pressing a single finger to her lips in the picture. Jessika texted her back instantly, with seven exclamation points filling the text field. Kylo had watched her do it and gave her a look of restraint. Rey thought about the fact that she couldn’t tell Finn just yet. He had been filming more segments for ESPN the magazine (or maybe it was NBC, she couldn’t remember) and she’d read some of his blog posts. She hoped that he would be allowed to do some broadcasting at the Olympics so they could be together in Korea. Finally, this good news seemed to sweep away some of the remaining doubts she had about him. It would be fun to work with him in a new way.

Kylo’s phone rang and he looked at it with annoyance. “I’ll take it in the hall.”

She nodded, guessing it was his family. She thought about asking to talk to them too, but let him have his privacy. He came back into the room a few minutes later looking slightly angry and agitated. His hand looked tense, like he wanted to hit something. Definitely a call from his father, she sighed. She didn’t want to ask.

Holdo collected them. She gave Rey a genuine smile and small hug. “You two deserved it. It’s such a good story for the team, too. Everything is going to go very fast from now on, but I hope that you can enjoy it.”

Rey nodded and they were brought to the media area. It was the final day of the event; they would be presented in a separate conference as the men had been announced just over an hour ago. Rey felt proud of both herself and Kylo; there had been only one spot available and it was theirs since they helped earn it. They waited backstage and she nervously played with the pocket of her pullover. Kylo looked at the posted list of the men’s team, still pinned to the wall, with something that might be envy. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t totally overjoyed? He was a singles skater at heart. She would never be able to land a side-by-side quad with him, although they had a quad throw. He had different talents, but they had shown that a team of two people, basically forced together by injury, could pull it off. Reminded of how they came together, she realized that she hadn’t thought about her scar in a long while.

Holdo led them onstage to present them to the media. She moved to stand beside the U.S. committee vice president. He stood at the mic and moved his hand to gesture towards them.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he announced. “The U.S. Figure Skating’s International Committee, after taking into consideration the results of recent events and these championships, have selected Rey Niima and Kylo Ren, from the West Hartford Figure Skating Club, as the representatives for the pairs event at the 2018 PyeongChang Winter Olympics in February. We welcome you to this official presentation and photo opportunity. We understand that you have questions, but please arrange them with our skaters after this event. Again, Rey Niima and Kylo Ren: Team USA’s pairs’ team.”

Her heart fluttered at the sound of their names being announced. Cameras flashed and she smiled brightly, taking in the moment. Some one called for Kylo to smile and he actually did so. She turned, locking eyes with him. Rey felt herself move slightly closer to Kylo with every camera snap. Their hands brushed before he fully took it, leading to more flashes of phones and proper digital cameras.

She was going to the Olympics with the man that she loved. Nothing could take that feeling away from her: not her dead parents, not Luke’s concerns. Nothing.

The rest of the afternoon went quickly, filled with phone calls, text messages, reporters, and even more questions. Luke hadn’t really been around, but she guessed that he had logistics to deal with. Kylo didn’t really seem to relax fully the rest of the day, but she blamed it on the media attention.

When they were finally alone back at the hotel, it was nearly evening. She was happily chatting to him about if Luke would actually shave his beard if they were going to be at the Games—it was something he had promised. Her good mood hadn’t really spread to him and she finally decided to question him about it.

“What’s wrong?”

He was sitting on his bed, looking at his hands. When he looked up at her, he had a similar look to that morning. She was hoping whatever he had to say would be another joke.

“Ben, you’re starting to worry me.”

His eyes were serious when he spoke. “We can’t skate for Luke at the Games.”

She felt her body freeze.

What was he talking about? Leave Luke? For who? She wasn’t sure if it was her voice when she let out a hushed _What_.

He kept his eyes focused on her. “I promised Snoke that we would skate for him when we made the team.”

Panic, confusion, hurt, and every other emotion spread through her body. “You promised him _what._ ”

“That we would switch to him for the Games,” he repeated. He seemed to transform in front of her, changing from the person she loved to a stranger. How long had kept this from her? “It was part of the deal he made with me when the rumours had started. He wanted me to train with you, bring you up a level, and then…”

“And then betray Luke? Ben, why did you do this? What were you thinking?” She felt tears stinging her eyes. It wasn’t just keeping it from her, but keeping it from her for so long. He had _promised her_ not to leave and break her heart and here he was, this strange man in his skin. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier? You knew from the start and you never told me?”

“I wanted to tell you!” He shouted, suddenly standing from the bed. “Everyday, Rey, everyday I wanted to tell you. He’s been pushing and pushing me. He knew that you wouldn’t trust him until I got you to trust me.”

Nothing made sense. Her entire body was shaking. The thought battered her mind; he had been manipulating her the entire time to get what he wanted. He’d used her to get to the Olympics just so he could move back to his abusive and evil coach and life back in California. He’d kept this from her the entire time they were skating together. She couldn’t breathe. Every single beautiful day they shared, every single kiss and hug, and even every time they had made love had been built on a promise to a man he should hate. She felt her knees give out and she dropped to the floor, weeping.

“I can’t do that to Luke!” Her voice shook. “He’s helped us and taken care of us. Don’t do this, Ben. Don’t ask me to leave my home.”

He looked furious but also confused. She noticed tears streaming down his face. Standing in the middle of the room, he clenched his fists and faced her. But he didn’t meet her eyes; it seemed like his was looking right through her.

“Do you think I had a choice?”

“Of course you had a choice! You could have _told_ me before…before everything. Ben, I fell in love with you!”

“Well, you weren’t supposed to!”

His words caught in her chest and she felt her world imploding. How could he do this _now_. She’d already lost one family this week and now he was forcing her to make another choice. Luke was right; this was all too much to handle. Anger rose in her body and she stood to push him, not knowing what else to do. Her hands landed limply on his chest and he held them there in place. She whimpered in pain as he took an angry, shaky breath before meeting her eyes.

“You need to come with me,” his voice was suddenly small and pleading. “He’ll take everything else from me if I don’t get you to come with me.”

She shook her head, not knowing if she could take another shock. “So he’s been supporting you too? This entire time?”

He nodded, guilt washing over his features. Biting his lip, he reached out to touch her face. She was too dazed to resist him and he gently wiped a tear from her face.

“Think about it, Rey. We’ll be well represented. We’ll have sponsors. We could leave that shithole rink in Hartford,” he said and Rey wondered if he was trying to convince himself at the same time he was presenting his ideas to her.

“I can’t leave Luke and my other friends,” she shook her head. “I just can’t.”

“You said you loved me, so why can’t you do this?”

More tears snaked down her face. “Don’t throw that back at me. Don’t you dare.”

Still caressing her cheek, he reached down to take her other hand and trace the ring that had, up until then, felt so right and perfect that she was determined to never take it off. Now it felt like a symbol for the ultimate betrayal that she should have seen coming.

She could never trust another word he said, no matter how much she wanted to believe it.

“You need to leave,” she said, weakly. “I can’t look at you right now.”

“Please, Rey think about it. Think about us.”

Her voice quivering, she answered him. “Even if we do end up skating together, I…I don’t think there can be an _us_ anymore.”

He looked pale and his hands dropped away. Without another word, he grabbed his jacket and phone and left.

She collapsed on her bed and wept. She turned off her phone and ignored every sound from out in the hallway. She didn’t know where he went or when he would come back and part of her really didn’t care.

For Rey, the happiest day in her life had suddenly become the most heartbreaking time in her life. She would give anything for the world to open up and swallow her whole.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content, plus stupid Kylo.


	21. 2018 U.S. Figure Skating Championships, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo tries to undo his mistake but it might be too late for them as partners off the ice, but they need to come back together on the ice as the Olympics near.

**Late January, Hardford, Conn.**

Kylo Ren was the biggest asshole on the planet. It had been about two weeks since he shattered everything and he woke up, hungover and miserable and thought about how fast it had all changed. He didn’t just feel that way; he knew it was true and obvious as the misshapen nose on his awkward face. He felt angry and exhausted, both physically and emotionally. It reminded him of how he felt after the accident, but this was worse.

He’d lost Rey off the ice. On the ice, however, was another story. They would start practicing together again shortly and they needed it for their skating, but for their hearts it would be too soon.

Over the past couple of weeks, since California, everything needed to be reorganized and he agonized over every day. Just as they had come together hot—hungry and love starved—everything had cooled. They had withdrawn from the Four Continents Championships in Taiwan, citing a fake injury for him and family reasons for her. The ISU woman, Holdo, had responded to him personally and asked what had happened and he was silent. The only things he kept up with were the Olympic preparations, which seemed to be never ending paperwork to reply to and fill out. There was no way they would be missing that.

He thought about that night over and over again and how he’d hurt her by not telling the truth. He’d lied to her for a year and he couldn’t take that time back. Another part of him ached at how quickly she could turn on him and shut him out; she had never been whole from the start and he’d played with her heart, even if he didn’t mean to. Well, in the beginning he might have. That thought made him wince and stare even harder at the watermark on the ceiling of his bedroom. The fact that she had pushed him away and shut him out so quickly meant one of two things in his mind: she loved him too much or she didn’t love him enough. Both options were too much for him to handle.

His bed was empty. And it was all his fault. Again, he thought about what he’d done. It had been a time bomb waiting to go off that entire day and he couldn’t put it off any longer. Why had he chose Snoke over her? Why didn’t she want to trust him?

That night, after he had left her at the hotel, he went directly to Snoke. He was waiting for him at a bar around the corner. Rapidly thinking of a way to control the damage, he realized that this needed to stop. How stupid could he have been to think that some one like Rey—pure and perfect Rey—would want anything to do with this horrible man? What was he thinking? Why was he so weak? He needed to get away from this man and needed to go back and grovel at Rey’s feet. That was the only way.

He had nearly lost all confidence when he arrived. The way Snoke was drinking his red wine put Kylo back where he had been mentally when they had met in the Czech Republic. He looked at him with anger when he said that Rey had refused, but Kylo almost felt too heartbroken to argue with him. He should have spoken up a long time ago, but now he had to say something he’d kept inside for so long out of fear. It felt like he had nothing left to lose.

He knew that Snoke was powerful in many corners of their world and would work to destroy him. But right now, he was going to the Olympics; the tickets had been arranged and the paperwork was processed. He couldn’t take that away from him. Maybe he had lost Rey romantically but they had to salvage what they had on the ice. They had their careers to think about. He had to keep moving forward or else he’d end up thinking about ending it all. His mind was so scattered at this point. All he could think about then was the look of horror on her face when he had left.

“I can’t force her,” he had said, lowly. His anger suddenly started to build. All of the abuse and all of the torture—mental, physical, emotional—had broken him over the years. The accident had shattered him as child and then this man put him back together, but he had made so many mistakes. He had put him back together wrong and now that mistake had broken the heart of a lovely, perfect, and innocent person. This couldn’t continue.

“You promised, Kylo Ren,” Snoke snarled. “Try harder.”

“No!” He said, firmly slamming his fist on the table. A few heads turned but he kept his strong tone. “I was an idiot to believe in you and an even bigger idiot to have stayed with you all of these years.”

“I made you,” he narrowed his eyes, hand clutching his glass. “Watch your tone. She’s a talented skater now, because of you, but don’t think that you both are somehow, together, are stronger than me.”

“But we are!” He hissed. “I should have told her long ago. Now I’ve lost her. Because of you! The only thing I can do is cut all ties to you.”

Snoke chuckled, bitterly. “I will not let you go without getting revenge. They’ll all know what happened during the accident. Aren’t you afraid of that? You _murdered_ your teammates. Do you think that Team U.S.A. wants some one like _that_ walk in the Opening Ceremonies?”

Kylo shook his head and took a deep breath. “No. It doesn’t matter. Even if you spread those lies, I know now that they are not true. I told her and she believed me; I had been blaming myself for so long that I was blinded by your lies.”

Snoke just stared, not speaking. His eyes were cold and unfeeling. How could he have been so foolish? This was the first time he actually felt that some one else meant more than him and he hated himself for not brining it up earlier.

“Take your money. I don’t want it anymore,” Kylo pulled the tainted credit card from his wallet and tossed it down on the ground. “Don’t ever contact me again.”

And he stormed out. He left Snoke sitting there, still expecting him to come back to him. He walked around the rest of the night, aimlessly glaring at whoever he walked by, finally finding his way back to the hotel at 6 a.m. She wasn’t there and it both made him relieved but also brought on another wave of regretful sadness. Would he ever be able to face her? He packed his bag as quickly as he could. He called the airline and found an earlier flight, not wanting to make the long journey with her looking at him with so much pain in her eyes. The cost meant nothing. It felt selfish but he still needed to do it. Maybe she needed space too? He fled like a coward.

He had been home a day, when the news broke. It wasn’t as dramatic as he had feared. There was plenty of news about them leading up to the Olympics and this story was big, but also criticized by others online. Maybe Snoke was wrong and being with Rey had made him more sympathetic. Some one wrote an article detailing that night in the snow, but from a new angle. It was the story he had believed for years, before she helped convince him otherwise. Back then, everyone had mourned the young skaters and felt sorry for him and Luke, and almost understood why he switched coaches and became a new type of skater. During the successive years, the story had been buried and the feelings for him had faded too.

But this story now described how he’d caused it. It was like reading the account he had locked in his mind word for word. The author was vicious, blaming him and saying that the US team should drop him for something that happened at 14. He was selfish and represented arrogance. Deep down he knew that it had been an accident all along; Rey had understood that and he had to try not to be hurt by this. He deserved to hurt, actually.

Poe called him. And he ignored it. He still ended up writing a piece that defended him anyway, saying that none of the original reports indicated any of the so-called proof that the new story was putting out there. It was like the threat was meaningless from Snoke. Why had he been so afraid of this?

Luke called him. And he answered. They had to talk. He agreed.

But when he hung up, he threw his phone so hard at the door that it broke, splintering against the wall. He left the shattered screen lying there, glaring at the broken garbage.

The older man came over that evening. When he stepped in the door, he eyed the phone and stepped around it. After first raising a questioning eyebrow, he held up an irate hand. “First, do not say anything until I let you. I can’t believe any of this is happening. Second, she told me everything. She’s broken, Ren. Third, I don’t know who dug up whatever bullshit about that accident but I’m guessing it has something to do with that bastard Snoke.”

Kylo nodded, standing in his kitchen with his head down. Luke sighed deeply and folded his arms.

“Why? Just tell me why?”

He wasn’t sure which part Luke was asking about, but he tried to find some sort of answer to his question. “I…I thought it was for the best, at first. Sign up with you, get her to go along and then switch coaches right before the Games. He promised us everything and I thought that in the future, she’d understand. I didn’t really have a choice, or thought I didn’t have a choice. But now I know that Snoke had just used me. I…I fell for it. And I ruined it all.”

“Yes you fucking did,” Luke replied. “We can take care of this accident stuff. I’ll call Dameron and get him to keep spinning it—people still love you guys. Maybe they’ll feel sorry for you for some moron spreading rumours.”

“You don’t blame me anymore?” Kylo asked, meeting his eyes. “It’s hard to think about them again…after so long. Jyn and Cassian deserved so much better.”

Luke shook his head. “I never stopped thinking about them. And I don’t blame you for that. It was an accident, Ben. You needed to let it go a long time ago.”

“I know,” he shrugged. “She was helping me get better. We talked about it a couple of times and I…I see that now.”

“Why didn’t you tell her about Snoke’s deal, or whatever? I don’t care if you didn’t tell me. This is the type of shit that you’ve pulled your entire life. But she really cared about you and she feels like you tricked her this entire time. That you chose Snoke over her and your relationship. She deserves so much better than you,” he paced slowly to Kylo’s kitchen and sat down at the table. “But we need to figure out what to do to salvage this.”

With that, Luke laid out the plan for the lead up to the Olympics. The withdrawal from the Taipei competition felt obvious at that point. There was no way they would be mentally together for it. He told Kylo to contact Rey in a couple of days and figure out a way to get her to come to practice so they could work together. Luke couldn’t do it for him, he had said emphatically. Then they would take a short break; he’d make the excuses.

Luke almost looked at him with sympathy when he prepared to go. “You broke her heart, Kylo. She can't trust you anymore. I didn’t want to believe I was right, but here we are. If you are still capable of these selfish, egoistic actions, then maybe it is really time to give up on Ben Solo.”

The harsh words rung in his ears as he had sat in his empty apartment that evening after Luke left, noticing her things scattered throughout the rooms. A light-yellow winter jacket hung by the door. Her scarf had fallen to the floor, pooled next to the shoe rack. She had left a pair of blue boots there as well. He thought about the clothes in his closet and the food she’d bought for him. It was so empty here without her.

He was still contemplating her belongings and how important it suddenly was that her things were there, when the doorbell rang. An angry, dark-haired woman greeted him. She was also a skater, he remembered distantly. Jessika something.

She handed him two large, empty Ikea bags. “Rey wants her stuff.”

“She could have come herself,” he answered, slightly hurt. “I don’t remember what’s all hers.”

She rolled her eyes. “She doesn’t want to talk to you right now. Just get whatever and if something is missing, then I’ll be back.”

He slowly picked up Rey’s things and put them in the bags. It felt like it took hours, but it really only took fifteen minutes. When he brought them to the door, Jessika pulled a small Ziploc bag from her pocket.

“ _Here_.”

His heart dropped when he saw the contents. The bee brooch he’d given her on her birthday, along with the small silver promise ring sat in the bag and mocked his feelings. This couldn’t be ignored or pushed away. He took the bag robotically and watched Jessika snatch up Rey’s things and left. He stared at the pin before looking to the ring. Placing the bag on the kitchen island, he emptied it. He’d made love to her there. There were traces of her everywhere and he couldn’t erase it. The ring clattered lightly against the table of his seemingly hollow home. It looked small in his hand when he picked it up.

He had meant every word when he’d given her that ring. He really wanted to make her a promise for the future. But now, he repeated to himself, she thought every word had been a lie and part of a larger plot to trick her. It didn’t matter what he had meant; it was all about how she interpreted it and her feelings. Tears welled in his eyes. What had he done? Why had he been so stupid? He cried, remembering how she had wept at his words. Wiping at his eyes with his sleeve, the first time they made love came to mind. How she had drunkenly let him take her, letting him fill her. She had been tight yet open and seemed to know his body so well. Her body was firm and flexible under his hands.

Sitting on the couch reminded him of her; the simple evenings at home were just as enjoyable as skating. She could push him on the ice, but pushed him in a different way when they were at home. Except this wasn’t her home anymore. Apparently, she was never coming back. Their final days there, he remembered how she made him try some bizarre English dish he had heard of but never wanted to try. It was some Yorkshire pudding variant, mixed with mushy green peas. English food was never his favorite, except with her. She was trying to work towards being practically a vegetarian (her New Years resolution) and get protein; he had reminded her that eggs did not have the same protein as meat and she’d stuck her tongue out at him. They had created so many memories in a short amount of time and now he felt guilty that it had turned out to be mostly in his space. He’d been so selfish and didn’t even think that she might have wanted him to go to her place.

Aside from the personal things, having her skate beside him was the best part of his career, he realized. The way she would fly into his arms and trust him with every move. How she would meet his eyes coming out of a spin. Her small grin and light touch of her hand when they got off the ice. The way her costumes accented her body and glittered in the lights. He ached when he remembered seeing the glitter in her hair that morning, damp, when she had been ready for him to make love to her again.

It was all too much. He snatched a bottle of vodka from the liquor shelf. He was so thankful he had smashed his phone, at that point, when he had started drinking. Luke didn’t hate him but didn’t trust him either. But Luke didn’t blame him for the crash. That part, maybe, he could put to rest.

He took a long swig and slumped down in front of his chesterfield. There was so much to do over the course of the next few weeks and he didn’t want to deal with any of it at that point. He drank himself to sleep and had woken up still dressed and smelling awful. After standing up, he tried to figure out what he had to do.

The first step was a shower.

The next step was going to find a new phone. He cringed at that part, realizing that there wasn’t much he could do until he had that. He drove down to Westfarms, not caring if he looked depressed and hungover. Maybe that would help with getting recognized, if it came to that. He didn’t bother to remove his sunglasses and kept his hood up. The people at the Apple Store looked at his phone and back at him and smiled tightly that they couldn’t save the physical phone, but could set him up with a new one.

At this point, Kylo remembered that he wasn’t living on Snoke’s stipend anymore. It wasn’t that much compared to the fund he got from his parents or from his individual sponsors, but it was still enough to make him comfortable. He hadn’t really felt poor or lacking money that often in his life. He never grew up like Rey. That was part of the reason he wanted to take her over to Snoke—they wouldn’t have to take his parent’s money and instead be paid for the quality of their skating.

He had angrily snapped at some employee when these thoughts started to burn in the back of his mind. Apologizing, he lied and said he was just upset about his phone. With his new device set up, he went back out to his car. Every part of his life made him feel guilty and angry at this point.

He unlocked his phone too quickly, swiping for Google maps because _fuck_ Connecticut roads and accidentally opened the photo album.

The screen showed the few most recent pictures he had taken. All of them were of her, smiling brightly at the camera or looking at something. There was one picture of them together from New Years. It was on the couch, his arm draped over her shoulders. She was laughing and he was focused on the camera. The lights were dimmed and they were softly lit, but still the joy on her face shone through. He didn’t remember taking the picture. He guessed she had made him do it.

He wanted to delete it, but instead started sobbing in the Westfarms shopping center’s parking lot. He could see the Lord and Taylor out of the corner of his eye and everything felt bizarre. When did he lose the ability to control his emotions?

Two days later, he called Rey.

She didn’t answer.

The day after, he went over to her place.

This time, she did answer. They had been apart for a less than a week at that point and it felt like a lifetime.

It was the early evening, but she answered the door in obviously well-worn pajamas. Her eyes were red and her hair was greasy and flat. He was surprised to see her like that at first and then let his guilt flush his face.

She let him in without a word, turning to slump on her couch. She looked at him with hooded eyes and sighed.

“Should I thank you for giving me space?” She asked, sounding bitter.

He lingered in the doorway. He used to feel comfortable in her warm space but now everything felt dark and claustrophobic. He shook his head and sat in the loveseat across from her. It was well worn and sunk when he sat down.

“No, you don’t have to say anything right now…,” he answered. The speech that he had planned fell apart. She didn’t look like herself and all of this was _his fault_.

There was an awkwardness he hadn’t felt in months fall between them. She looked more tired than angry. The entire room was grey, the background Hartford “spring” whistling outside them. It wasn’t quite storming but it might. He dreaded getting snowed in and determined that if it came to it, he would take the risk and drive home. She hated him too much at this point.

“I’ve spoken to Luke.”

She nodded.

“We need to go to Korea.”

She nodded again, still silent.

“But we need to figure out…how.”

She flipped her hand. “I think that we’ll take a plane.”

She sounded so bitter that he didn’t really smile at the joke.

“Rey, I can’t say how sorry I am again. You need to know that I’m done with Snoke. It’s over. I’m here for you as a partner, however you will have me,” he said, trying not to sound as scared as he felt. Weren’t they stronger than this?

“How am I supposed to believe you? You keep so much from me.” She softly asked. He wanted to be mad at her and insist that he had not been as dishonest as she thought but he knew how much it could hurt to feel manipulated. He couldn’t be angry. He needed to be calm.

“Forget the other part for now…” he started.

She was frowning, deeply, and interrupted her. “The _other_ part? Kylo, I’m 23. I’ve never had time to be in love before. This is the part…this is the part…” she sobbed and he wanted to reach out to her, but still kept his distance. “I feel so stupid. You made me feel so beautiful and like I was worth something. And you just broke all of it because now I can’t trust you anymore.”

The silence that stretched out between them felt like it would last forever before he tried to compose himself.

“Rey, we have our careers. We have to finish this season, including the Olympics. I’m not giving up on you. We can make a deal,” he swallowed, hard. “We finish this—do the rest of the year and our schedule. And then it’ll be over. I go wherever and you find some one else. Partners until March, or sooner if you decide.”

She closed her eyes, looking exhausted. “It’s so hard for me to look at you right now, but you are right. We need to practice and we need to jump through all these hoops that your country wants. If you can fake caring about me and what I want all of this time, I can do it for a few weeks.”

He wanted to snap that it _had_ been real but instead mutely nodded his head. Maybe she was looking for a reason to push him away and he had given it to her. Skating had to come first. He’d been so blinded by everything that he had lost that part in her afterglow.

He cleared his throat. “We’ll do what Luke says. We’ll start training next week and then follow the plan to Korea. What started there, ends there. I’m going to go see my parents tomorrow, and then come back on Sunday. Everything after that can be put on a schedule.”

“Kylo, I still don’t know why you lied to me,” she asked suddenly. “Wasn’t I important to you?”

“You were and still are important to me Rey. You’re everything to me,” he tried to meet her eyes but saw her look away. “But if I can’t be with you off the ice, I can live with our on-ice chemistry for a few more weeks. I can promise you that if you tell me, after this season, that you never want to see me again, it would break me, but I would step away. I…I hurt you. I was selfish and lied to you. If you want to go, I can let you do it. I will never feel anything again without you. But as long as you are moving on…Rey, I fucked this up. I need you to be okay again someday.”

“Someday,” she mumbled. “Can this just be it then? We do our thing on the ice and you leave me alone? We go to the Olympics and fake being happy. We have interviews already arranged and _goddammit_ Kylo I don’t want to sit there with you pretending to like you. But I can do it as long as you promise me that when all this is over, you will let me go. I can’t deal with this hurt anymore. Everyone in my life has always abandoned or betrayed me and you did the same thing by lying to me.”

He met her eyes. In the dull light, he felt tears sting his eyes. He blinked them away before he nodded. “We need to prepare and go to the Olympics. We will do what they ask of us, but I won’t…you can draw the line when I’ve gone too far. And then, after the Championships or maybe before, we’re done. As partners. As…everything.”

She nodded again, not replying.

“Rey, please…”

“No, stop!” she raised her voice. “Don’t say anything. Let’s just make this deal, take a break for a few days, and then get back to practicing. I need to be alone for a while and know that you are not in town. I don’t care how hard this has been for you because frankly, you made your choice. You chose him over me from the start and then _kept_ that choice when you were making promises to me. I swear, Kylo, I thought I knew you. All you had to do was _tell_ me.”

He blinked, not knowing what to say. Every word felt like a bullet to his chest. She was right of course. Sleeping with her and not telling her everything was the worst thing he could ever do.

“I know.”

He slowly started to stand, reaching into his pocket to pull out the bee brooch. He placed it on the coffee table and he met her eyes. She looked hurt, sad, and tense. It was like she was afraid he would come towards her.

“Rey, this is yours,” he said. “You should sell it if you don’t want it.”

She didn’t say anything and instead sat up a little.

He cleared his throat. “Luke will be in touch and we’ll work out the schedule.”

She nodded, her lips pursed and her eyes miserable. He already felt worried about her as he left the door. He started to think that this was the last time he would be leaving her apartment and it made his body flinch inwardly. She looked awful and he had done that to her. He wished he could find a way to get her to listen to him because she was misunderstanding the entire situation. He was done with Snoke and willing to do anything for her. But that seemed like a long shot.

The next day, he started the drive out to his parents’ place in Providence. It was the house he had grown up in but the drive felt like it took a million years. He would stay a couple of days and then would move back into the new reality. It was a world where he was afraid to touch Rey but needed to and that made their partnership on the brink of breaking. The drive seemed longer than it should but he made it by the late afternoon. He felt numb, coming into the place and being greeted by his father.

He sat down heavily in the main living room. The couch must have been new or something because he didn’t recognize it.

His mother was away at a conference so he was alone with his father. If there was a hell, he was in it. And he deserved to be there, he reminded himself.

Han handed him a beer and sat down next to him, his own in hand. “You look like shit.”

“I feel like it,” he took a long swig. “This is awful. Since when do you drink Corona?”

His father shrugged. “Got a taste for it when we were down in Mexico last year.”

At least he had the energy to be angry about something, Kylo thought to himself. “Dad, I fucked it all up.”

Taking a deep breath, Han nodded. “Rey called your mother and told her everything. Then Luke came by and was pissed off. They both have the right to be mad at you. I’d be mad at you, but instead I’m just disappointed.”

“I…I don’t know what to do,” he took a long drink, suddenly regretting opening up to his father. “I love her. I really love her and I hurt her. She thinks I faked the entire thing to trick her. I don’t think I can ever get her to believe me again.”

Han nodded. “Have you told her you love her?”

He took a guilty sip. “No.”

“Good lord, you really are my son,” he said with exasperation. “And the stupidest man on the planet.”

They finished their beers as Kylo let the thought roll around in his head. Han retrieved two more bottles. This time, Kylo got a Sam Adams. Only marginally better. How can some one be rich but essentially uncultured?

“Look, I’m not the best at these things either,” his father slowly said. “I was always more there for the team than you or your mother. And your mother had her causes too, off trying to change the law world. We thought that Luke coaching you would remind you that you still have family and that it wouldn’t be so bad in the end. I should have never put the team first.”

“But you did,” Kylo replied, sharply.

Han nodded and continued. “We can’t change what you did or what I did. Or what your mother did on all of her research long weekends. There were so many times that I almost lost her and had to get her back. If you really love Rey, and I think you do, and she loves you as much as she says, then you can get her back. But she needs to want you back.”

“I don’t think she does,” he mumbled. He took a long deep drink of his beer and contemplated the oddness of the situation yet again. Without Rey, he had never gotten back on good terms with his parents. Without Rey, he wouldn’t be having this conversation with his father. It was something they should have talked about years ago but this apparently was the time. A year ago, none of this would have been possible. And now, here he was. But without her.

“What’s the most important thing to her?” Han asked.

Kylo had to think deeply but realized what it was. “She feels like she’s never really had a family.”

“Then be her family. Promise her a place in this family, no matter how messed up it is. You have to take a chance and tell her that. She might or she might not want to listen to you. It’s her choice and you need to remember that—it’s _her_ life. You need to make it up to her and show her that you mean it,” his father said, firmly.

Kylo nodded. “I should have told her everything from the start, but things were different then…Now, I need her to know that I love her.”

“Don’t tell her now. The Olympics is stressful enough. Give her time and be there for her as her skating partner,” Han answered. “When I would get into an argument with a teammate, it was hard to practice with him but I just let the game take over. We had a duty to the team to not let it be on the ice. You have to put your team first. She deserves it.”

Kylo had finished his beer and set the bottle on the arm of the couch. “Do you guys still want to come to Korea for us?”

“Son, you couldn’t keep me away,” his father retrieved the bottle and left the room. “Now come on, the Rangers are playing the Bruins in the early game. If you’re going to drink your sorrows away, at least do it pretending to watch the game.”

So Kylo did. He spent the rest of the night drinking, watching hockey, and trying to figure out what he could say and do to get Rey back. It all felt impossible, no matter what his father said. He didn’t deserve to have her back, but he had to try. 

 


	22. 2018 Winter Olympics, Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Kylo arrive at the Pyeongchang Olympics still hurting; they are a team, but still apart. Rey struggles the most, trying to figure out where her heart and her head should be. At a moment of weakness, Kylo takes care of her. They celebrate the team medal before Rey meets with an old meddler and needs to figure out how the next part of her life should be.

**Mid February — XXIII Olympic Winter Games, Pyeongchang County, South Korea**

These should be the happiest days of her life and Rey felt nothing. She could plaster a fake smile on her face for every photo and hug the other athletes when the photographers asked, but she was still careful when she would have to be near _him_. Everything had spiralled out of control since they had their conversation. It was slowly back to training but instead of the warmth and small touches of before, it was just clinically going through the motions. She finally stopped crying after every training time after the first week and now she was trying to force herself to be more angry than just numb.

She looked around the room that they would share and just wanted to disappear.

They had taken separate planes, but were in the same room of the athlete’s village. Her heart fell when she had arrived first and put her suitcase on her bed. It was an echo of a year ago but instead of hope, she just felt empty heartache.

Just as soon as she got there, she had left the room before he arrived and decided that a walk would help clear her head. Luke had told her this time when he would be getting there _this time_ , but also said that there was no way the rooms could be changed. There were simple beds in a simple room. She wanted to scream and cry every second she was alone at the intensity of the situation in her mind. The pressure of competing was immense and she wanted to find a way to push through it but knew that she couldn’t do it without him.

She missed him. Just training with him made her regret his selfishness. The way he would fix his hair made her remember so many tender moments and that made her wish again that he wasn’t such a selfish, lying, jerk.

They were there before the Opening Ceremonies, since that was what they planned. She was wandering around the grounds, listening to music, and pondering the last few weeks.

Everything had felt mechanical. Their practices were just going through the motions. It felt like they were nearly perfect, but everything also felt automatic. Then she would come home to her cold, empty apartment and not want to talk to anyone. She would pull up his most recent text messages and wanted to delete them all but couldn’t do it.

It hurt to look at him. She couldn’t forget how attracted she was to him. How she knew his body. She had a hard time meeting his eyes when she needed to. But she forced herself to be professional. The first few practices had been shaky but he didn’t get mad at her; he just gave her a solemn, determined look that told her to push forward. And she did. She had to be a good partner to get them an Olympic podium finish, both for him and herself, and their team.

And then she could just let it go. She would just let him fade away, like he had promised. She kept thinking that maybe she had needed an excuse—they had come together and she had fallen totally into it. That’s what made it hurt the most, Rey thought. She was so desperately in need of being loved and finding some one to love that she had latched on hard and fast. She needed to be alone right now and figure out why she felt this way.

But part of her didn’t want to lose him and push him away. Part of her hated not being able to share these moments with him. She knew that he hated when she showed him stupid things but Korea was honestly ridiculous. She wanted to laugh at so many things but felt herself nearly starting to cry when she realized that most of why she thought it was funny was related to the fact that she wanted to show it to him. His stone-faced reactions had made her giggle. Now all of those moments had felt hollow.

How could he have lied to her this entire time? She passed by some Team USA poster and saw their picture together, shining brightly and smiling. She remembered when that picture was taken. It was before he had ripped everything apart.

She wiped her eyes, dreading when he would arrive.

She still thought about practicing again. He had fulfilled his part of the deal with a mission. It was like he actually cared and didn’t want to let her down. His hands had been steady and his mood, although down, was relatively consistent.

Part of her had wanted to ask how his parents were when they first met again back in Hartford but she pushed that thought away. She remembered talking to Leia and crying to her about everything once she returned home. His mother had been rational and calm, but still sounded caring. She didn’t make any excuses for her son but also said that he could make bad decisions without thinking about the consequences. The entire Snoke deal had been building since he was fourteen so it was clear he had a hard time regarding letting it go. The man had shaped him and that was something to think about. Rey had only sighed and cried more; she still didn’t know if it was all fake or not.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had cried this much. When she was injured, she hadn’t been able to cry as much as she had since January.

Rey had returned to her— _their_ —room and was charging her phone when she heard him come in. Her stomach couldn’t fall harder.

He shuffled into the room, softly greeting her.

“Hey.”

She blinked, not looking at him. Staring at the blue comforter, she wanted to vanish into the bed and disappear. “Hi.”

“How was your flight?” He asked. It was one of those typical questions that he would ask but not really care about the answer.

“It was fine. I was with some of the others from the team,” she said, still staring at her phone, resting on the bed. She didn’t want to look at him.

He put his suitcase on his side of the room and started unpacking. He hung up his clothes without saying much. It was only now that she really appreciated how little he spoke when he was thinking, upset, or even when he was feeling normal. He was so infuriating that she wanted to scream.

“Luke’s here,” he finally said. “He came with me. Maz too.”

She nodded, not saying anything.

“We’re still doing the Opening Ceremonies, right?” He asked. “Otherwise, I wouldn’t have come so early.”

“Don’t talk to me like that,” she snapped, not realizing how harsh she sounded. It dawned on her that she wanted to hurt him. “I don’t care what you want.”

He looked so guilty in that moment. It was like he actually felt something when they were together. He deserved every second, she thought. But part of her, deep down, felt sorry for him. This was his dream too and they should be there as a team. They would have been if he hadn’t thrown everything away.

“I’m sorry, Rey, you…” he paused. “I was just trying to make sure.”

“We both have the schedule,” she slowly said, trying not to cry. “We’ll follow it. We have so much to do and I honestly don’t know how I can do it with _you_ here.”

He stood there, looking awkwardly out the window. “I looked for another room, you know.”

“ _I know_.”

“Rey…”

“Look, we need to go to sleep. Soon. Or else we will just stay jetlagged forever. So just listen to me for once and…”

“Stop it,” he suddenly snapped. “For fuck’s sake just stop it. I get it. You hate me. Let’s just get this over with.”

She looked at him blankly, not really reacting in any way. She was afraid to react. “Kylo. We had a deal.”

“Yes but…” He turned and was about to yell at her again but stopped. He seemed to know how she was feeling and what was actually going on. “Yes, the deal. We’re here to finish this.”

She nodded roughly, before softly speaking again. It came from her heart, not her head. “I don’t hate you.”

Not meeting his eyes, she kept staring at the corner.

She spoke again. “I wish I could hate you.”

He was suddenly soft when he spoke again. “Rey, I…can we…talk.”

She shook her head. There had been a mutual silence that had fallen between them during training that she wasn’t sure if she could go back to how it was. But she missed him—she missed running with him, hugging him, spending time with him. He would tease her about something and she would laugh and fall onto his lap. Just remembering moments like those made her want to push him away because he had been hiding something from her the entire time. She felt tears start to fall down her cheeks. Everything was just as difficult as she thought it would be. “Not…not right now. Please, Kylo. I can’t hear your voice right now. We’ll talk…soon. When I can handle it.”

He seemed to be reluctant when he nodded. The room felt filled with awkward tension but he still prepared to try to sleep. Sitting on her bed and facing the wall, she had heard him change and brush his teeth but had ignored it out of the painful memories those simple motions brought up. Rey didn’t know what time it was when she finally washed and dressed for bed. He had managed to stretch out and appeared to be asleep.

It was the first time they would be sleeping in the same room since January. It was only a few short weeks but everything had changed.

She glared at his bed as she went to her own. She hated how her thoughts always wrapped back to how much she actually cared about him. He was a betraying asshole. He had lied to her. He had kept so much from her. But there were times when he would look at her with such sincerity that she had actually believed it.

Could she ever forgive him? She crawled into her bed and felt cold and alone. It would be so simple to crawl over to him, cry and ask him to forget it all. She could forgive him and it would all be over. But who would she be then? She had been led along a long road of deception and had been blind to everything. But he was still here and he had officially cut everything off from Snoke, or so he said. When this season ended, he would be cut loose. Part of her regretted feeling sad about that fact, she thought. Why did she care about him so much?

They woke up the next morning like strangers. They had showered and done everything in silence. They were going to be fetched for the meeting about the meetings and preamble before the Opening Ceremonies at any minute. Rey just wanted to run way. She had no idea how she was going to get through this.

They both jumped at the knock at their door. He answered it, after she decided not to move. To their surprise, it was the ISU woman, Holdo. She smiled genuinely at the woman.

“Did you get the updated schedule for the team event?” She asked, looking serious. “Things are bumped up by five minutes.”

Kylo didn’t say anything, of course. Rey was forced to speak.

“We know, Luke told us. It will be fine, Amy.” Rey tried to sound natural but realized that her voice was still slightly touched by the fact that she felt for him.

“Of course it will be fine, but being on time is more important,” Holdo replied. “Just check your phones before the Opening Ceremony things start. It always seems like no one knows anything until it actually starts. But I will see you soon.”

She left and Rey actually enjoyed the encounter. It was like she was reminded that the world still existed whenever she met some one that _didn’t_ know about what an idiot she was.

They would be skating as part of the team event too. Part of their training had changed when they had been added to that. It would give them a chance to do their routines twice, but it still meant another couple of days of being close to him. There wasn’t time to throw together new routines and that felt fine. Having his hands on her body was something she could clinically deal with but from time to time there were moments that she wanted to share with him and she just couldn’t. They needed to win but she didn’t want any extra memories.

Soon, they were bustled off to the pre-ceremony events and she just emptily followed the instructions, smiling when she was asked. Sitting on the bus, on the way to the arena, her hand brushed his on the armrest. She firmed her look and put up her elbow to block him. It reminded her of when they had done their pre-Olympics video. She had felt like a bad actress, talking about how she wanted to win it all for him and her. How their new team was thriving. It all felt like a bloody lie.

She melted into the world of the Olympics Opening Ceremony. The music, the laughter, the lights, and the _show_. She might never be there again so she wanted to put her head in the right space: skating first. The team first. She tried to block him out with every other turn. It was only when they were gathered to join the long and unruly procession out into the arena. He softly reached out and brushed her hand in a gesture that had been enduring only a short time ago, but now she could only look at him with hurt.

Maybe she was being too harsh on him but he should have said something. He had so many chances and he didn’t take them. It kept hurting her with every second that should be spent in happiness.

She slowly was absorbed in with the other skaters and athletes, trying to laugh and join in with their Instagram and Snapchat stories. She ignored him as they walked out into the event. The sounds, smells, and everything about it were exhilarating. She fell into the arms of her teammates and she forced herself to leave him alone. But part of her duty to the team itched and she eventually found him in the waving crowd. It was hard to be away from him, no matter what she did. She ached, thinking about how awkward all of this must be for him. But he chose to be a loner but still seemed to take pride in doing these things. Maybe she could be normal, she decided, letting the exhilaration take over her common sense.

“Hey!” She said, forcing happiness. “Let’s take a picture, everyone else is doing it.”

He looked reluctant but nodded. He lightly touched her shoulder as she took the picture. She smiled at him, maybe too much, before disappearing again. Her heart was beating quicker just being near him again in this crowd of people.

She posted the picture, as per their media contract, and was forced to look at it again while it was uploading. His serious face and her smiling lips. His perfect hair and her careful ponytail. The way it always looked like he was looking at her rather than the camera in every picture. All of it made her miss him even more.

The night seemed to drag on and on after that point, but eventually they were back in the village for the after party. They would be performing soon so she hoped that he wouldn’t be drinking, but at the same time she reminded herself that she didn’t _care._ Despite the closeness and how conflicted she was, he deserved this. The American athletes had split off to their own corner, bringing bottles and speakers out from nowhere. She thought she saw some Russian skaters lurking around, talking to Kylo. Inwardly, she was jealous and angry at the same time; he wasn’t hers anymore because he chose to keep secrets. They had found a small and unused longue and everyone gathered together, although Rey still didn’t know half of them. Kylo stood in the corner for a few minutes before disappearing back to their room. She couldn’t help but worry about him.

A fairly drunk male ice dancer plopped down next to her on the couch. “Hey, how’re you?”

She shrugged. “Excited. Jetlagged. I still can’t believe I’m here.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty great. Where’s your partner?” He asked.

She shook her head. “He’s a little tired, I think. Plus, he hates people.”

The ice dancer laughed, putting his hand down so close to her leg that he was basically grabbing it. “Yeah, he’s a little cold. The team event will be fun, have you ever done that before? The Canadians are going to kill us.”

She smirked, moving her leg out of his reach. “No, but I’m looking forward to it. This is all just…fantastic.”

He was smiling too broadly and smelled like beer. She caught him looking down her shirt and it made her body tense. Grabbing her thigh, he leaned forward to push a strand of hair behind her ear, filling her personal space with his large frame, and she shot up from the couch instantly to push him away. No one seemed to react, obsessed in their own little worlds.

“What are you doing?” She demanded.

He rolled his eyes. “Just being a teammate. Come on, come back and sit down.”

She quickly finished her drink and shook her head. “No, no I’m…I’m going to bed. Goodnight.”

She had to take a few deep breaths before she opened their door. Her hands were shaking and her eyes were tearing. Inside, she was surprised that he was already asleep. She performed her nightly routine and tried to be as quiet as possible, trying to put the idiot ice skater out of her mind. If she woke up Kylo, the words would just come tumbling out of her mouth about what just happened and she didn’t want to face his reaction.

This was not at all how she had imagined their Olympics over a month ago. And she was hating every second of it.

And it only continued. The ache was in her chest every morning, except for the hours that they practiced together. Luke had given them a stern lecture to stop being morons, but that could only go so far. It was when she could step onto the ice that things started to feel normal. The team event would be first—short and long program—and then their own event would occur. She wanted to cry at the fact that her short program was around Valentines Day. God, why was this all such a mess.

It was after some pre-Team USA team event that he managed to talk to her when they were back in their room.

“Have you seen how embarrassing out pre-event video is?” He asked softly.

She didn’t want to smile, but she did anyway, although it was only a small gesture. “I think I’ll watch it in a couple of years when I need a laugh. We are so awkward.”

He seemed to be fumbling with something he wanted to say in his mouth and didn’t speak. He only smirked at her instead.

If there was anything she was used to, she thought bitterly, it was the fact that she was used to him being rude and silent in Korea. All she needed to do was survive these next two weeks and then it would all be over. She was now at the Olympic level. She could partner with whomever she wanted. Apparently the male ice dancer thought she was attractive so maybe she wasn’t as plain as she saw herself. She didn’t need to be with a selfish, lying, manipulative asshole anymore.

But still, no matter how bitter she tried to be, it didn’t stop her from worrying about him.

That made the pain even worse.

The next couple of days went by in a blur. It was mixed with training, arguing with Luke and Maz, as well as avoiding Kylo. He looked just as sad as she felt but frankly he had no right to feel the same. He had known all along what he was doing, no matter what he said.

Then, it was time for the team event. They were crammed around the happy faces of the rest of Team USA and had to be people again. The male ice dancer was _always_ too close to her but she hoped that was just something that the program demanded of him. It was the same one from the party and she was dying to tell her partner about it. She was trying to soak it all in and found it hard that every second she brushed Kylo’s hand made her chest hurt. She would smile tightly at him and then turn back to the others, avoiding one other pair of eyes at the same time. They had to skate perfectly. She wanted an Olympic medal to have something to show for all this pain.

But again, on the rink, they could transform. He was more focused and seemed to put his emotions aside. The Puccini medley had slowly become her favourite; her costume was brighter for the short program than the dulled, sandy tones of their long program. He was stage smiling and meeting her eyes for timing rather than in the intimate way they used to. They did their short program and it felt oddly good. It was like stepping back into an old apartment that belonged to an ex—it still works perfectly and you know every room but you don’t live there anymore. Her leg extensions felt good and even being wrapped up in his arms and around his body had felt somehow _okay_. The world was watching them and she couldn’t let the moment be taken away from her.

Everyone had to hug and wave as a team so she was crowded by the others and Kylo. She tried to hate the way he smelt but it was too much. It was a light, slightly musky smell that was just _him_. It was how he smelt after every performance as his cologne faded. Their scores came in and the team cheered. They had done their part for the short program. Now, it was up to the others. Their free skate would be the day after tomorrow but Rey felt drained by all of the events. The eyes of the male ice skater seemed to linger on her. She just wanted to escape and never come back.

She was refilling a water bottle, down some rare hallway where one could be alone, when a familiar rather than unwelcomed hand gripped her shoulder. “Hey!”

She turned and instantly stepped into a hug from Finn. “Hey! So sorry I didn’t properly congratulate you on the broadcasting job! I’ve been…busy.”

Finn looked at her seriously, although he was joking. “What about? Rey, I can’t believe we’re both here.”

She smiled weakly again. “Look, can we meet later tonight? I really need some one to talk to and this circus…I never thought it would be like this.”

“Me neither,” he laughed. “Yeah, do you the café across the street from the village? The media is always there. Anyway, there’s a bar across from that. There’s some cat on the door. Meet me there around eight?”

“Sure!” She called, letting him walk away back to his life.

The hours ticked by and she spent most of it avoiding their room. She needed some one to talk to who hadn’t heard every detail.

It was a few minutes after eight when Finn showed up. He waved at her and looked more than comfortable in the strange Korean bar. She had taken a glass of red wine and forced herself to keep drinking even though it only reminded her of him. It made her feel numb and that was good at this point.

“You skated so well today, Rey, holy shit!” He exclaimed when he had approached her at the bar. “I’m almost glad we’re not partners anymore.”

Her smile faltered. “It…it’s okay Finn.”

He ordered a beer and they settled into a small table. He suddenly picked up on her mood. “What’s wrong?”

“Finn, I…” She wanted to cry but couldn’t. “You can’t tell anyone.”

He took a deep breath. “You’re my friend, Rey, but if there’s a story, I need to think of my new job…”

Great, another man she couldn’t trust. Fine, whatever. She would push on. “Kylo and I were dating for a few months.”

“Were?”

She looked at him blankly. “We’re not anymore.”

“Peanut,” he reached out. “What happened?”

She spilled the whole story, starting to sob. She desperately drank her wine, trying to balance out her emotions. Tomorrow and the next few days were too important for awful feelings and hangovers but _dammit_. Slowly, Finn nodded.

“You know I don’t like him, right?” Finn said. “And you deserve better.”

She could hear the hanging tone in his voice. “But?”

“But it’s clear that you still care about him, Rey.” Finn answered with a straight face. She couldn’t believe what he was saying. “He lied to you but he’s still here—he’s given up Snoke. That story about the accident got buried and Poe basically defended him. He’s here to make you succeed. I couldn’t face you again but here he is. You…you need to think about that.”

Rey wanted to snap at him that he didn’t know anything about anything. She had five more glasses of wine over the course of talking and that was only about the time-span of a couple of hours. He didn’t stop her and even bought her two shots. She’d hardly eaten and felt her jetlag and exhaustion start to press on her. They were talking about nothing before deciding she was too drunk and angry to be around him. She needed some one to agree with her anger and not her other emotions. Once again, he seemed to vanish.

She stumbled back into their room feeling overly emotional the entire time, wondering how she suddenly found their room. It was like she teleported to their door and opened it with shaking hands.

“Are you drunk?” A deep voice called when she came in and fell to her knees, rummaging through her bag. Where was her phone? Did she forget it?

“Are _you_?” She snapped. Her voice broke and she could feel herself slurring as she spoke. “Yes, and I can’t find my phone.”

The lights flicked on. He came over to where she was hunched over by the door. She had been crying the entire way home without really feeling it. It had been too long since she had been both this sad and this drunk. He came over to her and loomed nearby, not knowing what to do. He dropped to his knees, phone in hand.

“I can call it.”

She jerked her head up and down, still trying not to openly sob. He found her number and then pressed call. The gentle notes of her ringtone filled the room from somewhere in her bag.

“See, it’s there. Come on, I can help you up.”

She was angry, tired, and heartbroken. “Okay.”

He took her to the washroom. He brushed her teeth. She was fading in and out from consciousness as this was happening. She remembered faintly pushing him away a few times but he mostly just guided her. He washed her face without protest, tenderly removing her makeup. The only thought that kept returning to her was the fact that she was so drunk. He took care of her like he had done before and she felt herself weeping the entire time. It was like she was not in the same room.

He gave her a bottle of water and commanded her to drink. She was swaying there, in the darkness in her pajamas, not knowing where she was or how she got changed.

“Come to my bed?” She asked, reaching out to touch his warm, bare chest.

He shook his head. “Rey, you are drunk. You don’t want that.”

“But I miss you!” She shouted collapsing on her bed. “I don’t know what to do anymore!”

He gently sat down across from her, showing her careful respect that she didn’t really expect. “Rey, sweetheart, you are going to drink some water and then go to sleep. And then we will go through this circus again tomorrow. I can’t be with you because you will just hate me more if I do. I…I’m sorry.”

She slowly shook her head in agreement. “Yeah, Kylo. Yeah. I…”

She suddenly felt her stomach lurch and her throat tighten. She started to throw up and it spilled down her shirt. He instantly grabbed her and basically carried her to the toilet. He held her hair as she puked; it was red and frothy and smelled awful. She had wet herself during the ordeal and started to cry again. Why was he here. Why did he have to do this to her.

“Rey,” she heard a steady voice speak to her. “You need to take a shower. I can’t…I…I need to…”

She was drunk and exhausted from smelling like her bodily fluids. “Just…just help me.”

She was numb as he pulled off her clothes. He tossed them into the corner and brought her into the shower. She didn’t realize that he had entered the booth in his boxers until she turned under the stream. They were both wet, but in a different way than she was used to. He rinsed the vomit from her hair in gentle motions. She started to cry again and felt her stomach start to lurch. She collapsed outside of the shower. She threw up two more times before returning to the shower and wept during the most of it. He eventually shut off the shower, towelled them both off, and took her to bed. She was in and out of consciousness while he dressed her, not sure what was really happening.

“Why…”

“Shh.” He hushed. “Rey, I would do anything to take it back.”

That was the last thing Rey remembered before she passed out.

 

-=-

 

He felt heartbroken as he woke up. Rey looked paralyzed by her ordeal from the previous night. Thank _God_ that it was a rest day from practice and competition, although they would have to be there for their teammates. She looked like she had only passed out and hadn’t really slept. He knew that feeling. Despite the shower, she still smelled slightly.

“I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart,” he mumbled. There were a few long minutes when he could only watch her. He put on a pot of water for coffee or tea. When it started to whistle, Rey finally stirred.

She woke up slowly. “I don’t remember anything.”

He moved to sit opposite her, reliving the previous night. “You were drunk. You threw up. I cleaned you up.”

She studied her clothes, stopping when she noticed that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. He’d been too afraid to touch her closely. It all felt too much like before.

“Thanks,” she mumbled, standing up then moved to hold her mouth, having to hold back her retching. She ran to the toilet to vomit again. He ached for her.

She eventually came back, clothes mussed and her mouth slightly wet from throwing up and then rinsing it away. He remembered how much she hated being sick.

“Kylo,” she said, sitting down and sounding like she was about to cry. “Do we skate today?”

“No,” he answered.

“Good,” she mumbled. “I’m going back to sleep.”

So she did and he let her. He turned off both of their phones and let her rest. The room smelt like her sickness, but he tried to ignore it. They would skate the next day and obviously any sort of practice today would be out of the question. He would go down to the rink but would make some excuses to the others. He’d have to tell Luke and insist that Maz not come and bother her.

He watched Rey sleeping and started to feel tears come to his eyes. He’d done this to her. He’d broken her to this point of emptiness. They were supposed to be there and they were supposed to be happy. But he had ruined it all by keeping selfish secrets.

The only thing he could do was get her food and make sure he wasn’t in the room when she woke up. Just like a year ago, he found a Korean food vendor who served the slightly sweet egg sandwiches just outside the athlete’s village. He had bought one and put a sandwich beside her bed. And then he left for the day, not knowing where to go.

How were they supposed to survive the next few days like this?

 

-=-

 

They accepted their bronze team medals with smiles and pride. Rey felt like it was somewhat worth it all to be standing there, watching the American flag rise alongside the Canadian and Olympic Flag for the Russian athletes. Kylo had hugged her and it felt real in the moment they got their medals.

She was an Olympic medalist. They both were. It was merely a bronze in the team event but her—their—routines had been excellent. There was such optimism for their individual event that her heart started to hope that in a couple of days they could do it all again. It felt almost okay to stand next to him, although the awkwardness of her night out still hung on at the back of her mind.

There were more pictures and smiles, both alone and with the rest of the team. When she was standing with one of the other female skaters, she noticed that their respective partners were talking off to the side. It was the same male ice dancer from a few days ago. She saw Kylo go from looking neutral to appearing angry in a flash. He shook his head and turned away, ignoring the other man. This cut her to the pit of her stomach. What had that man said to her partner? It bothered her enough that she brought it up when they were returned to the village. There were always handlers and media following them around. It was hard to find a time when they were alone, but not in their room. She still felt slightly uncomfortable there.

“Hey,” she said, touching his arm as they walked towards the dining hall. There were some couches that were free, so she decided to take her chance. Still slightly happy from their medal, she had actually agreed to eat with him. Maybe it was a way of thanking him for her _mistake_ the other day.

“Hmm?” He asked.

“What did he ask you?” She sat down and motioned for him to sit beside her. He looked reluctant but sat down anyway.

He was slow in his reply, so of course they were interrupted. Two Korean athletes, she was guessing they were figure skaters but she didn’t always recognize everyone, stopped to talk to them.

“Hi, Kylo, Rey? Sorry to bother you,” the girl asked. “Can we take a picture?”

Kylo just stared at them and Rey was about to say no when he agreed. He surprised her by pulling her into her lap, to make room for the other skaters to sit on the couch. The teenaged boy sat down next to Kylo and pulled his partner onto his lap. The girl held out her phone, attached to a selfie stick and took their picture. She swore she felt him nuzzle her and didn’t know how to feel about that. The other team enthusiastically thanked them and then walked away, laughing and talking in Korean, looking at the picture. She then realized that they were still wearing their medals when she felt Kylo’s against her back. He wasn’t showing any signs of letting her go.

“He asked me,” he whispered in her ear, his chin perched on her shoulder. “If you were as flexible off the ice as you are on the ice.”

She felt her arms go rigid and his arms tighten around her.

“I…” she started, before she paused. “He hit on me the other day.”

There was an awkward silence and she could almost feel his jealously rising. Did she want the other man? No, he was a creep. But did she want someone who could so easily hurt her again? She didn’t know what to say. She slowly pulled away and turned to face him. “We have a job to do here. It’s not over yet.”

He looked at her with sad eyes but then eventually nodded. “A deal is a deal.”

He followed her in and they ate in silence. They took a few more pictures with other athletes but Rey kept her distance from Kylo during those encounters. It felt better not to cry all of the time but there was still a dull ache whenever he looked at her.

She spotted Holdo across the room and waved at her. The other woman waved back and motioned to her phone that she couldn’t really talk then. She was always holding a clipboard and looking stressed. Rey was almost envious of her; she had many more distractions to deal with than Rey.

Kylo cleared his throat. “My parents are here. They want to see us.”

She shook her head. “I think I’m going to go back to the room. Tell them I said hi.”

She quickly left before he could reply. He didn’t follow her and she was very thankful for that. She was crossing the lobby area towards the elevator when another man she didn’t want to see at that point caught up with her.

“Hey, Rey,” Poe jogged up to her. “How’s it going?”

She scanned the hall, half expecting Kylo to materialize from nowhere and punch the man in the face.

“I’m fine,” she replied. “Just going to my room.”

“Can we walk and talk? Off the record,” he asked smoothly.

She sighed. Fine, whatever. “As long as it doesn’t take long.”

He led the way, taking her out of the residence onto the grounds. She spotted a very pretty gazebo in the quad-like area around the village. There were flags flying everywhere so it was nice to see something that wasn’t a waving nationalistic symbol. She followed him, listening to him randomly chat about their skate.

“Finn told me about you two,” he said eventually. “Rey, I’m sorry.”

Inside, she seethed but outwardly she could only manage a shrug. “As long as you don’t ask me for a date, it’s fine.”

“Wouldn’t even think about. Don’t mix work with pleasure, right?” He grinned. “But really, Finn said that you were pretty upset…”

Was she really having this conversation? She turned towards him, clenching her fist at her side. First the ice dancer and now this. “Mr. Dameron, as long as you don’t write about this, I don’t really have much more to say. I guess I appreciate that you care, but my private life isn’t something I want to talk about right now.”

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I get it. But Rey, stuff like this is only temporary. Winning that medal will be forever.”

Her head snapped up. “But it will be a forever I’ll have to share with _him_.”

He winced. “Right, yeah, sorry.”

“Look,” she slowly replied. “I can’t tell you what happened and I hope that Finn didn’t say anything more than just, mentioning it or whatever. We are still good on the ice and that’s all that matters. And thank you for fixing the lies about the accident. He feels better about that.”

“But are _you_ okay?”

She felt her lip quiver at his tone. She shook her head and turned away. He gently touched her arm lightly before turning to walk way. He didn’t press her for an answer for once and that was good. Part of her was really mad at Finn for telling him, but since they worked together and were part of the media so it was impossible to keep them from talking.

Rey stood, alone, looking up at the Korean sky.

She only had to deal with him for a few more days. But did she really want to let him go now? She still wanted to share so much with him and still needed him, in a way. She couldn’t remember what happened when she was drunk but there were some flashes. Him holding her in the shower, rinsing her off with caring hands and tired eyes. He’d looked at her with intensity, but not in a sexual way. He’d just been taking care of her.

Without him, everything felt sort of empty. She still felt betrayed and it pulled at every corner of her mind. Could he ever really share everything with her? Did she want him too?

No, she wasn’t okay. Nothing was that simple. She was so tired of being angry and sad. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

She moved to turn away when she noticed a figure shuffling across the courtyard that she was sure she recognized.

“Coach Yoda!” She called, running up to the ancient man.

Hunched over in his over-sized glasses, he looked up at her, blinking and smacking his lips together. “Young Rey. Made it you did.”

“Yes, I…I’ve been meaning to get in touch you with you but Luke always avoided giving me your number for some reason,” she explained. “I hope you’ve been well.”

He nodded. “Well enough, I have been. Not well at all you are.”

His eyes seemed to pierce through her and she swallowed.

“Things are complicated with Kylo…” she managed a sad shrug. “I think that I have to let him go.”

“Walk with me,” Yoda said, reaching up an arm. Why did she want to confess everything to him? There was just something about him that made her want to trust him. She never had a grandfather and this was as close as she was going to get. She took his arm and started to slowly walk with him. He was almost frustratingly slow. “Sad, sad Rey. Tell me what Kylo Ren has done. Know him little I do but know of him.”

She didn’t know what to say. She’d told the story so many times to herself that it was starting to seem far less complicated than it really was.

“He lied to me,” she said, finally. “He wanted me to turn my back on Luke and go over to his old coach. Snoke. He lied to me about why he wanted to be my partner from the start. It made me wonder how many other things had been lies.”

“Hm, powerful is Snoke. Hard to say no to him. Dealt with him many times I have and none of them pleasant,” Yoda was shaking his head, stopping to slam down his tiny cane. “Lies are what made Kylo. Many lies to himself and the world. Happy with him were you, hmm?”

“I didn’t think I’ve ever been that happy before,” she answered before she could really think about it. There was something so innocent about all of those times and, even though they were brief, they had felt like rare and beautiful moments that she couldn’t forget. “I thought it was real. He says it was but I don’t know.”

“Hard love is,” he scoffed. “Rebuilding trust, even harder.”

She nodded, biting her lip. “What do I do?”

“Mistake he made, not telling you. Awful mistake,” he stopped his shuffling and tapped on her arm with his cane. “Listen you should, when he speaks next. Decide yourself, you must, which path to take. With him or without him. Forgiveness may not be easy but possible it is when one is so young and in love. Now, go I must. Some one I need to see.”

He gave her one last pat on the arm before shuffling in the direction they had just come from. Everything had really come full circle and she really had to decide how the next loop would start.

 


	23. 2018 Winter Olympics, Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snoke makes a final revenge against both Kylo and Rey in shocking ways before their short program. By the time the dust settles, Kylo realizes that he can't go on without Rey, which puts their long program in jeopardy. Can she forgive him before they go for gold? See chapter notes for warnings!
> 
> Final chapter so the next one is an epilogue! Enjoy!

**Mid February — XXIII Olympic Winter Games, Pyeongchang County, South Korea**

 

Kylo Ren couldn’t think of anything better to do than go for a run when he woke up too early the morning of their short program. This was one of the consequences of never fully adjusting to a new time zone. He wouldn’t push himself too hard but he needed to get his mind off of everything for the time he had before they would be taken to the rink to practice before the event. It was just after five. Rey was still sleeping, curled up and facing away from him. What hurt him the most at that moment, he thought as he dressed to leave, was that he couldn’t give her a good morning kiss, like he used to.

There was a smaller training facility across the village that was only a short walk from the apartments with treadmills. It was before dawn but they had had so many early mornings that he was getting used to the fairly dark sky. But he was still surprised to see quite a few people milling around, either walking to somewhere or walking from somewhere, carrying various pieces of equipment. The Olympics never slept, apparently. There was one man who looked like he hadn’t slept at all, leaning against the wall outside of their building. He appeared to be Korean and seemed to be staring out into space. He met Kylo’s eyes and offered a small nod.

Well, mornings suck for everyone so deal with it, Kylo thought as he walked across the concourse.

His thoughts were occupied first by Rey and then the competition came in a close second. He remembered his previous Olympics and winced at how he had behaved. He was a different type of skater now, or at least he thought he was. The part where he broke Rey’s trust more closely resembled the man he had been four years ago when he couldn’t control his emotions. It was a different case now as to why his emotions were all over the place.

Gripping his hoodie closer around in the cold, he recalled being able to briefly hold her yesterday and the cutting jealously he had felt when the other skater had talked about her like his did. That told him how much he still wanted her physically. Whenever his hand had to brush against her thigh, stomach or any other part of her, including the extremely intimate lifts and carries, he had to put his professionalism to the test. They had been so close and now it had to be nearly clinical. He missed holding her, filling her, and feeling her tight wetness clench around him. Yes, he needed her physically. But emotionally, could he ever make it up to her?

Something caught his eye and he slowed down a step.

He was being followed.

The strange man from outside of the building was behind him by a few metres but he could feel eyes on the back of his head when he looked askance. Snoke’s words of revenge had seemed to ring hollow but he shouldn’t have been so blind as to think that the man wouldn’t find some way to get at him.

Not one to back down, Kylo spun to face the approaching stranger. “What's your problem?”

The man didn’t slow down or stop. He kept his brisk tempo and met Kylo’s eyes but otherwise didn’t react. That was when Kylo spotted the bat in his hand and he tensed, ready for a fight.

“Snoke sends his greetings,” the man finally said when he was within swinging distance and quickly took aim.

Kylo easily jumped away, but suddenly a second, hidden attacker grabbed him from behind. A strange voice hissed in his ear. “Make this easy and take it like a man.”

The man with the bat swung, striking him in the midsection. Winded, he tried jerking away and elbowing the man holding him, Kylo quickly tried to push away the pain. He had to get away or get help. Weren’t there security guards awake at this hour? It suddenly felt very, very empty in the dark morning light.

The second stranger recovered and tackled him to the ground. Throwing a forceful elbow backwards, Kylo connected and heard the man groan and release him. The man with the bat was circling and tried to swing again, nearly hitting his knee. This _was_ Snoke’s doing, the bastard.

Kylo kicked out, sweeping the ground to knock over the man with the bat; his grip held even as he gave a small shout at the fall. Kylo leapt onto his back and tried to knock the weapon out of his hands, punching hard and wildly. Then he felt a sharp kick to the head, followed by a quick punch to the face; the other man had recovered, jumping on his back.

He was blindly fighting, trying to keep from getting seriously injured. His heart was beating in his ears, deafening him to the sounds that the men were making. Another hard hit to his face and side and Kylo was about to just let Snoke win but he couldn’t. He needed to fight for Rey, she needed to get to the podium, or at least stay alive.

He elbowed the first man again and could nearly break away.

Two more hard strikes to his side.

The second man grabbed him by the throat, pulling him off the first. He kicked out but kept missing. _Why_.

A whistle split the air. And he finally heard yelling from a nearby building. The two men quickly released him and scrambled to their feet and took off.

Laying on the ground, looking up at the sky, he saw strange faces surround and start nattering at him in Korean, Russian, and then finally English. But the most he could hear was his own ragged breathing.

“Sir? Sir? Are you okay?” There were three or four security guards there with him, helping him to his feet. He caught the guilty looks of a few other bystanders, slowly gathering.

“Yeah. Where the hell were you?” The ground was lightly stained with his blood and the fine frost had been thoroughly disturbed. The fight had felt like it had taken minutes rather than the few seconds that had actually passed. 

They were helping him up when he saw two security guards disappearing in the direction that the men had ran.

“It’s okay,” he tried to shake off prodding hands. They went back to talking in Korean, radioing people as they went.

Kylo ran a hand over his face and noticed he was bleeding at the side of his head. He felt the tinge of pain from the punch to the side of his face as well. His ribs ached but nothing feel broken. His knee was fine, most importantly. He was going to be fine. Trying to control his breathing, he brushed off the crowd of people.

“You should go to the clinic,” one woman said, sympathetically touching his hairline.

“It’s fine,” he mumbled. In his pocket, he felt his phone vibrating and he was about to scream at whoever was calling _now_ when he saw the name.

«Rey _._ »

_No._

“Rey?”

She was crying, hardly making sense, when he answered.

_No, no, no._

“Kylo? Where are you?” She gasped out.

“I’ll be right there.”

He took off running, leaving the stunned security guards behind him.

It was one thing to come after him but if Snoke had come after and hurt Rey, _his Rey_ , then this went beyond simple revenge. This was terrorizing someone to the point of insanity.

He burst into the room to find her, Luke, and Maz sitting on her bed. She had been crying but didn’t look hurt, still in her pajamas. Part of him was relieved.

“What happened to you?” Luke asked, standing to stare at the blood now dripping down his face.

“Some guys attacked me,” he said, trying to catch his breath. He winced at the pain in his side, along with the pain on Rey’s face. “Snoke sent them.”

Maz shook her head. “Then he must be behind this too?”

“What?” His head shot up.

Rey whimpered.

His ears finally heard the dull report coming from the television. The NBC nightly Olympics broadcast from the US was focused on Dameron and another anchor.

“…and Poe, what does this mean? Rey Niima has never been suspected of doping before and now we have this suspicious result. Walk us through the next steps.”

Dameron almost looked mad when he replied. “Well, Quinn, this doesn’t really happen all that often. She’s had an excellent season with her new partner and the timing of this report is just ridiculous.”

“You sound like you don’t believe it’s an actual positive? You just said that she’s never skated like this before so that could explain things,” the anchor answered.

Dameron met the camera and it was like he was looking for Rey. “Well, right now she has a temporary, emergency block that can be lifted. The US delegation is already making arguments as to why she should be able to skate and the sample retested later. Unless we get some answers, though, they won’t be skating today and that could also take away their medal in the team event. But right now, I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

“Thanks Poe, that's Poe Dameron from ESPN, but now back to our main story leading into the pairs' short program, British-born, American figure skater Rey Niima has had a suspicious result on a random dru—“

Luke muted it and Rey let out another small cry.

“The drug test I did before the team event... Holdo emailed me this morning. The drug people released a press release late last night in the States, after we went to bed…They might…we might be out.”

“How is that possible? You don’t do _that_.” Kylo’s hands were shaking, he so desperately wanted to reach out to her and comfort her but was stuck across the room. “He did something. I know he did. Rey I’m…”

Her voice was trembling. “It’s like you just keep hurting me, Kylo. You chose him over me and now he’s ruining _my_ dream and my future.”

Luke touched her lightly on the shoulder before moving towards the door. “We have three hours to sort this out before our practice ice time starts, then the event right after. That’s practically no time. And if you’re hurt…”

Kylo shook his head, wiping his nose to notice a streak of blood remained on his sleeve and scrapes on his knuckles. “It’s nothing.”

“Rey, no one thinks you took anything. We’re very, very careful,” Maz was stroking Rey’s hair and speaking to her soothingly. “We’ll get through this, okay?”

Luke was nodding. “That Holdo woman likes you. We need her to get the retest done right away or at least get some answers about how to skate today. They have the reserve sample. It should all be prioritized since we compete. I need to find out if they can do it in time.”

Kylo was just looking blankly at Rey. He was the worst thing to happen in her life; he had really brought her down into his world and trapped her there.

“I’m going to kill him,” he said, suddenly. He stalked by Luke and out into the hallway. Where could that old man _be_? Hux would know. His first stop would be that bastard’s room, not caring how goddamned early it was.

People were looking at him with wide eyes as he jogged down the stairs to where he knew the British team was staying. There weren’t that many of them so this wouldn’t take long. He tried to rub some of the blood off his face as he moved, but he didn’t make much of an effort.

He caught Hux in the second hallway he checked, about to reenter his room.

“Hey!” He shouted, grabbing the shorter man and pressing him against the wall.

Hux reacted with shocked eyes. “Jesus Christ, Kylo, what the fuck happened to you?”

“ _Snoke_ happened to me,” he said through clenched teeth. “And now he’s tampered with one of Rey’s drug tests. I need to know _where_ he is.”

He pressed his arm to Hux’s neck, trying to squeeze out the answer.

“He’s…he’s…Kylo, he’s at…hotel,” Hux gasped, gripping at his arms. Kylo slowly loosened his grip but wouldn’t let him move far. “The City Hotel.”

Shoving him to the ground, Kylo pulled out his phone and stormed off, ignoring the pained gasps of the man he’d just assaulted. Whatever, he’d get over it.

Rage continued to wash over him and everything happened in a blur. He was in a taxi before he could think twice. What was the plan now? His leg shaking, he recognized he hadn’t really thought that far ahead. He pulled up the hotel and left the driver and told him to _wait_. It was hard to argue with a bloodied man with rage in his eyes. It was the same at the front desk; the small girl was shaking when she told him the room number.

As he stood outside of _that man’s_ room, he finally came up with his plan. He hit a button on his phone and slipped it into his front pants pocket. This had to work.

He knocked with one slam of his fist to the door.

To his surprise, the old man answered in a bathrobe, looking entirely too pleased at Kylo’s emotional state. Clenching his fists, Kylo stalked by him, into the room. For all he knew this could be another trap but there really was no other way to solve all of this.

Raising an ancient eyebrow, Snoke glared. “You look…upset.”

“Of course I’m upset! You had me attacked, Snoke! Look at this!” He shoved his bloodied hand in Snoke’s direction.

“Accidents happen. Especially with baseball bats.”

Kylo tensed, keeping his eyes narrowed. _Keep talking you old bastard_. “So you did have me attacked? I saw him waiting outside my building. What was he going to do if I didn’t leave the building? Get me in my room?”

“Perhaps. And maybe it was me who planned it. But perhaps you have many enemies. Did you think about that?”

“I don’t care about that. How did you fool the drug test people? How did you mess up Rey’s test? You can’t be that powerful.”

Snoke rolled his eyes. “Please, Kylo, I know people. I know many, many people. Switching one jar of urine or blood for another one is so, very, very easy. They know nothing. My other skaters…never caught. But others were. All these years. These people, are just as stupid as you, thinking I would let you get away from me without showing you how pathetic you are.”

Again, Kylo felt the urge to attack the old man. It wouldn’t take much to knock him to the ground and beat the life out of him. But he kept his attention on the old man, ignoring the urge to check his phone nor move. _Please let it be recording_. “It’s not going to work.”

Snoke gazed at his watch and moved to sit in an ornate chair in the corner. Kylo took a cautious step closer. The coach eyed his former skater and sighed. “No matter how many strings you pull, you can’t get that test redone in time. No medal for her, no medal for you. You are back to being the weak and pathetic, _emotional_ , fool that you have always been. _Murderer_ , _liar_ , and now partner to a _cheater_. Nowhere to go now.”

Kylo finally took a steadying breath. “You have no idea how _wrong_ you are.”

He left Snoke sitting perplexed in the corner and quickly left the hotel before any goons could appear out of nowhere.

Returning to the cab, he pulled out his phone and listened to the recording he’d made. It was clearer than he expected. He was breathing heavily when he saved the file, his hands shaking, trying not to mess _this_ up.

Then he called Dameron, possibly the second or third last person he wanted to talk to in the world but he needed him at this point.

“Kylo, Kylo, Kylo, I need you to tell me exactly what’s going. Rey’s doping? Someone attacked you, then attacked a British skater?” He could hear the excitement in Poe’s voice and it annoyed him. “I can’t keep up with this. You all are giving old Tonya a run for her money.”

He very slowly counted down from five.

“Kylo, are you there?”

“Dameron, listen. If you can pretend to be a professional for five minutes, I need to meet and speak with you. But first, I need to send you something,” he paused. “My former coach, Vladimir Snoke, is behind all of this and I’ve got something that will hopefully clear up things for Rey. We…we don’t have much time.”

Poe appeared to be chewing on something on the other end but made a noise of agreement. “Oh yeah, for sure, send it over. I’m at the media centre trying to put this thing together because I, man, this story…” The sound of him typing replaced the chewing.

“Good. I’ll be there in ten minutes.” Kylo ended the call and started to email the file. The Internet was ungodly slow for a few agonizing minutes but then it went through.

He slouched in the back of the cab and felt his side start to burn. Had he done enough? He noticed the time and winced again.

Two hours until they had to practice before the short program. And the sun was finally rising.

 

-=-

 

When Kylo had stormed out of the room, Rey actually believed what he had said. She had been too shocked by her own accusation that she had hardly noticed the cut to his face and slowly forming bruise on his temple. She was still shaking when the door slammed shut.

“Where do you think he’s going?” She managed to ask.

Luke looked grimly at the door. “I think we’ll find out soon enough. Did any of that make sense?”

Rey could only look at her phone and the message from Holdo. She needed to talk to her and find out exactly what all this meant. She knew more people than Rey did. Maybe she could fix this? Poe said the US representatives were doing something. She was terrified at losing her medal and losing the chance to skate for another one. She also felt a part of her healing heart slightly crack again. This was still all part of the same, sad story.

Grabbing his phone, Luke headed to the door. “I’m going to make some calls. I have no idea what is happening but we will _fix this_ Rey.”

She nodded, still trying to wrap her mind around it all. The room was very, very quiet.

When they were alone, Maz slowly stood from the bed. “Rey, they will clear it up, Luke and Kylo. This is all a mistake and I believe in them.”

She slowly shook her head. “I just want this all to be over right now. I can’t…I feel so broken it's starting to feel numb. I was so stupid to think that I could change him and that this would actually work. I…I Maz, who would actually believe that test? I’ve always been clean. Why are they doing this to me? And why can I only think about _him_ when it’s my career here?”

“We live in world where everyone is fallible and everything is uncertain,” the older woman removed her glasses to clean them. “I’ve been worried about you. You should have told me about how serious things were.”

Rey could only let her head drop at the main part of her heartache. “I fell in love with him so quickly that I didn’t even realize it.”

“Why is that a bad thing?” Maz carefully asked.

“Because, I…” she just shrugged. “I don’t know anymore. It just hurts so much right now.”

“You reached out to him, Rey, when you got the news. We were here and you just wanted to talk to him,” Maz said, coming to sit next to her on the bed again.

Rey bit her lip. “I hate how I miss him even though I’m always around him. God, Maz, he’s hurt and out doing who knows what. Why can’t I stop caring about him?”

Maz looked distant and then nodded. “We may not have known one another for a long time, Rey, but I’ve been in this world long enough to know that the people that shine the brightest in our hearts are also the ones that are also somehow broken and in need of our care and our love. Even in the strongest, stubbornest people, we can sometimes see what they are hiding. You saw through him and made him your partner, someone you want to trust again, if that phone call says anything. He will make more mistakes, but never like this again.”

“How can you be sure?” Rey weakly asked.

“He came in here thinking you had also been attacked,” Maz shrugged. “That’s all he cared about, not himself or how he was hurt. He was deceived for so long. I’m never going to make excuses for the unbelievable things he is capable of in this life, but he’s going to do anything to get you back.”

“He told me he would let me go if I said so. Do you think he could actually do that?”

“Yes, I think that he could make that promise and keep it, now come on go shower and I’ll go find Luke,” she ushered her out of bed and into the washroom. "We have a routine to get ready for."

Taking off her clothes was robotic. She shrugged out of her pajamas and caught her eyes in the mirror. She wasn’t herself anymore. Sagging against the wall under the warm water, Rey wanted to cry. This _was_ a mistake and she wanted it to be the final straw. Yesterday, she had almost felt hopeful. But what if they couldn’t fix it. What was the point of _any_ of this if she couldn’t skate? She wanted to start her usual pre-skating routine but couldn’t find the energy.

She glanced at her watch: less than two hours left until they had to skate their practice ice. If they didn’t show up, they might as well not skate at all when the short program started a short time after.

After quietly dressing, she left the safety of the washroom with her head low. She nearly ran into Luke, who was pacing around the room on his phone. He was still capable of bursts of nervous energy, despite his usual laid-back demeanor. Holdo was also there, also on her phone, speaking rapidly in French. Maz was the only one who apparently didn’t have any calls to make; she was sitting in one of the chairs in the corner, looking slightly pleased with the chaos. The TV was on mute, but her eyes caught the breaking news scroll under the anchor. Noticing her name, she started. She couldn't focus on the rest once she read  _potentially cleared to skate in last minute drama._

“Where’s Kylo?” She asked.

Maz waved her over. “He’s talking with our good friend Mr. Dameron. Apparently, these two still have some strings to pull but it’s…it’s fine Rey. You will skate today.”

 _Unless I have to go help Kylo hide a body_ , she thought bitterly as she nodded.

Luke finally ended his call. “This is all beyond any of us. He’s apparently been cheating for years, switching samples. That bastard Snoke has been messing with the lab.”

Holdo briefly held her phone away from her mouth. “We haven’t found exactly who he’s had on the inside, but we’re going to find it. People are talking now that there’s evidence out there.”

Rey could only nod numbly. What was happening? She sort of swayed and looked between the three people in the room, really wanting the fourth one to be back. “What…what did Kylo do?”

“He saved you,” Maz said. “He saved us all.”

Blinking, Rey noticed she was crying, the emotional block shifting. “So we can skate today?”

“Yes, Rey,” Luke nodded. “I’m going to go make sure he’s okay right now and then we’ll meet you at the rink, okay? Start getting ready”

After quickly talking with Holdo, Luke left the three women alone. Holdo reached out and pulled Rey into a loose hug.

“I’m sorry that all of this happened on such an important day, Rey,” she said. “I never believed the report but I needed to let you know as quickly as I could so we could figure out what was _actually_ happening. Things broke in the US and it was the middle of the night there. There are going to be hard times ahead. Investigations need to be structured.”

“I still don’t understand…” Rey mumbled.

Holdo pressed her lips together. “From what I got from Luke and my other colleague, coach Snoke had some influence on one of our ISU labs that we also use for Olympic testing. He’d either contaminate or switch samples. We’re trying to track down the technician but this could lead to some major changes. He’s had many successful skaters, Kylo among them. We might have to look into his samples as well.”

“He’d nev…” Rey started to say but then corrected herself. “I don’t think he would, he’s too proud, but you never know about people.”

Holdo looked at her sympathetically before her phone started to ring again. She sighed and tossed up her arms. “I have to go; this is such a mess and we’re not even halfway through the event. I will see you at the rink.”

Rey let the next hour or so just wash over her. Maz tried to lighten the mood with light jokes as she packed Rey’s skates and costume for the performance later that morning but Rey’s mind was elsewhere. She changed into her workout clothes before leaving for the rink. The Team USA sweater felt so wrong at that moment. What if Snoke _had_ forced Kylo to take something when he was younger? He could really be exposing himself to losing his career just to clear her name. On the way to the arena, she blinked away tears. Maybe this was the first step in him stepping away from her and from the sport that he had devoted his life to.

Pulling up the hood of her sweater, she avoided the media, and the other skaters, and ducked into the arena. There were panicked organizers leading her around, but her mind was still on the whirlwind of the morning. Could she really let him do this?

That was the thought that rang in her head when they were finally reunited in a more private changing area. They normally dressed and sat with the other teams who had the same practice times as they did. Apparently there was enough tension that they needed to be kept apart.

He was mid changing, his chest bare except for a very tight tensor bandage wrapped along his ribs. He hadn’t heard her step into the area.

“Hey.”

He turned, “Hi.”

“God, Kylo, your eye,” she couldn’t help it; she let her bag fall to the ground and went up to touch his face. “What did they do to you?”

He shrugged but leaned into the touch. “It’s not that bad.”

His nose was slightly swollen and she saw at least two stitches when she ran her fingers through his slightly dampened hair. He shook his head. “When you called, I thought that they had gotten to you too.”

They lingered near one another for a fraction of a second too long and Rey felt herself get lost in his orbit.

“They did, but in a different way,” she said. “But you fixed it. You got back at him.”

Kylo finally turned away, pulling on the dark tunic that he wore when they practiced. She quickly sat down and started putting on her skates. They had to get their heads on right _._ Practice now, skate later, feelings even later.

She felt so many eyes on her at the practice facility. They would quickly warm up here, before moving to the main ice rink to change and then perform. The most intense looks came from Phasma and Hux, circling in their little corner. How did they have the same time as them? Rey felt panic start to rise, even as they were going through their warm-up stretches and lifts. Months ago those moves had been awkward. Now, she watched him try to pour his focus into them.

“Everyone knows everything, don’t they?” She finally said from above his head.

He could only nod, focused on getting himself accustomed to a slightly painful injury. He moved a little clumsily and hissed when she was in the air. She watched him strain to put her down carefully.

“I’m afraid,” she said, lightly touching his hand when she was back on the ice.

He stopped skating. “Rey, we need to…we need to focus. We have…we have the deal.”

Other skaters were passing them by, obviously trying to eavesdrop.

She tersely nodded and they went through as much of their routine as they could, trying to use every second of their practice time before being called away to prepare for the performance. She had to desperately push away her thoughts about how he had hurt her and for a few short hours, her career looked finished before it could really begin as an adult. Seeing the slight bruise lightly spread across his face was just a reminder of all the hurt that was in the world and what people were capable of.

Moving into the death spiral, Rey stretched out, gripping his hand and looking up at him and the lights of the arena.

She tried to lose herself in the spinning and the gentle motions of skating.

A whistle broke the soft sounds of blades meeting the ice. Time to go.

 

-=-

 

When their short program ended, they skated off the ice hand in hand but seemed to be worlds apart. Kylo loosely held on but was seething inside. He’d messed everything up. Technically, Snoke had threatened everything but that was also partly Kylo’s fault. He’d let that man creep back into his head and could only feel the viciousness of his training return to his mind. Their marks were going to be horrible, he thought as he hung his head when Luke and Maz joined them in the kiss and cry. Maz sympathetically patted his shoulder and he pulled away.

They ended up being fifth. He wanted to be pleased with it but it still felt hollow. It wasn’t the best finish but they could still reach the other teams and the podium if everything in their long program was perfect. It had a higher difficulty and they were better at it than their short. They had the quad and it had to be perfect. From time to time, Rey would look at him with pain behind eyes. He was the one pushing her too hard and he had made simple mistakes he hadn’t made in months.

“Don’t give up now,” she whispered when they stood and bowed to the cameras and the crowd again, before leaving back to the call area.

Her words should have soothed him—the fact that she was talking to him so calmly—but instead it just reminded him of what he could lose. Following behind her swinging ponytail, he could only feel sorry for himself.

They only had a few more days together and then he would have to step out of her life. He had promised. It hung over him like a heavy murkiness, clouding his thoughts. He still hadn’t come up with the right words or the right time to tell her everything that he felt. Despite what his father said, he didn’t deserve her. He was selfish to think otherwise. That morning had just proved everything; there were people out there that would be out to hurt her because of him and his past. Maybe he had to let her go and have a fresh start in every aspect of her life. He'd brought so much sadness and hurt into her life...

But he also remembered that he had made her happy once so maybe he still had something to offer her.

He desperately wanted to talk to her. Things had happened so quickly with the extra circus that he’d set in motion. The Snoke investigation and their involvement had rocked the pairs’ event. There was already extra scrutiny on the team that represented Russia but couldn't be called Russia. Snoke's connections there were being brought to light in every report that happened to find his ears. Externally, they were in a frenzied world of reporters, cameras, fans, and other, bitter skaters. But inwardly, he could still hear the ice dancer’s words ringing in his ears and still remembered how she felt on his lap when they took the picture the day before. The way she smelt when they practiced and the small sounds she made when she slept were hard to shake.

His head wasn’t where he needed it to be. He couldn’t skate the long program without knowing there was still a chance. Kylo remembered the panic he felt when he thought that someone had physically hurt her and he realized how short life was and how tomorrow, another bombshell could go off. He knew it was an egotistic way of thinking, but it ate him up inside. He couldn’t let go of the thought. This had been building over the last few days and he didn’t know how to deal with it anymore; Snoke’s actions that morning had been the final catalyst.

But it was all bad timing. He was going to put everything in jeopardy again because he couldn’t stop his selfish thoughts.

Their long program was the next morning so there wasn’t much time left. Tomorrow would probably be the last time they would be competing together and he felt his usual impulsiveness taking over.

He left her alone in the room to prepare for what and how he was going to talk to her. She seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. Rey wasn’t angry anymore but he could still see hints of sadness in her eyes. She was answering emails and replying to things about the fake test. She was sighing a lot and avoiding his side of the room before he left. Their skating that day was also weighing on her, he could tell. He was going to destroy everything because he couldn’t get over how he felt.

He walked out, not knowing where he was going. Wandering around, he saw the gazebo in the area of the athlete’s village. He was only thinking about Rey and what he should and could do when a familiar redheaded man came jogging up to him. He was standing by a decorative pond, underneath the Norwegian flag. He wanted to murder everyone.

Hux looked even more enraged than he’d expected. His eyes had flashed anger on the ice but now he had built up to frenzy. He was his usual barely qualifying position but, Kylo reasoned, and that must have made him extra fierce, given their encounter this morning.

“Where’s your girlfriend?” Hux approached and asked. “You’ve really fucked things for everyone, Ren, what the fuck has she _done_ to you. We’re going to lose _everything_ at the training centers. The funding, the trainers, everything!”

Kylo wanted to ignore it but let his anger spill out. “Fuck you, Hux. We don’t need to come down to your level. I don’t skate there anymore and it’s corrupt and wrong and you should _see_ that now. Switch coaches, have a fresh start.”

“Oh, like you did? Before you tried to come crawling back? We all know everything, Ren. You couldn’t get over her and then you stabbed _us all_ in the back to get back with that trashy cunt,” Hux actively took a step back to be out of Kylo’s range when he spat out the nasty word. Maybe it was the ache in his side and maybe it was the lingering pain from the competition but he just wanted it all to be over with.

He responded with silence.

Hux could only scoff. “I think I _know_ why. I heard from _someone_ that she was wearing a ring at the trials so…congratulations? But I haven't seen one here so I guess there wasn't really any honeymoon. I hope she’s worth all of this. You’ve fucked us all over so there’s no one to come crawling back to when she drops you for all of your lies.”

Kylo, not wanting to punch him and risk getting in trouble, just glared. Hux had been somewhat of a man and not told anyone that it was indeed Kylo that had attacked him in the hallway. After that confrontation and all of the earlier ones, sharing ice with him during their competition had been more than trying and he wanted to push everything—Snoke and the rest—out of his mind. Why was Hux here? To gloat about losing his funding? To gloat about nearly being last? To torture him about not being with Rey anymore?

“Go away.” Kylo sneered and went down another path. He wandered around until he found what he needed. At that point, he thought he had found an answer that might suit her. He needed to make this work.

When he returned to the room, he had brought flowers, along with an ornate vase he borrowed from the front desk. It was such a stupid thing to do but he didn’t know how else to start the conversation.

She smiled tightly, taking the gift. “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“I missed Valentines Day,” he said, shortly. “You deserved something. After having such an awful couple of days. Especially today.”

She looked slightly confused and nervously bit her lip but nodded. She filled the vase with water and put it on the small table at the center of the room. They weren’t the best flowers in the world, but she looked at them with mild satisfaction. But he could also see her mouth set in a tired, sad line.

“Can we go somewhere to talk?” He finally said.

She looked at him with no clear expression on her face. Finally, she narrowed her eyes. “Is this really a good time?”

“Please.”

With tired acceptance, she agreed. They dressed and she followed him outside into the late afternoon light. Everyone was still milling about, preparing for training or being ushered to venues. The courtyard area always had people strolling through it. He led her to the small gazebo he had spotted. She sat down across from him, looking distant and tired.

“I’m sorry for this morning,” he began. _Don’t mess this up, Ben_ , he thought with grim uneasiness setting in his stomach.

“Are you?” She asked, her tone flat. “This morning was just a pure nightmare and it all stemmed from something we should have taken care of so long ago. I…I’m glad you fixed it but I still don’t know everything. Ben, tell me what’s going on here? I thought we still had your deal. It’s what you wanted, right?”

She looked unhappy and he was worried that she would leave. He needed to get her into the moment.

“Rey, please, I need you to listen to me. I won’t take too long. I know that I have no right to ask you to hear what I have to say, but if I don’t tell you some things, then I don’t know how I will be able to get through tomorrow,” he looked up from his hands to meet her eyes. “Just hear what I have to say first and then make up your mind.”

She looked at him with intense eyes before simply nodding.

The knot in his stomach twisted and his side still ached. Her reaction was practically unreadable by then.

“I’m not asking you to forgive me again for what happened, for _all_ of it. You don’t have to. I deceived you about why we started as partners and I had no right to keep that from you. _No right_. I shouldn’t have asked you to leave your life and this family that we had created. It was selfish and stupid and I hate myself for hurting you like I did,” he kept his eyes locked with hers. He had to get this right or it really would be over. “This morning just confirmed that I have this…ability to hurt you. Even when all I want to do is to protect you and keep you safe…”

He trailed off. _Say it right_. He had to find his voice. She just gazed at him, her face nearly blank.

“I love you,” he said, his voice breaking. “I love you so much and I despise myself for causing you all of this pain. I’m never going to deserve you but…,” he wished that she would respond but kept going. “But you’ve made me a better person and I never thought I would be able to change and to care about someone as much as I care about you. I hate anyone that has hurt you, including myself.”

He paused, still searching her face for a reaction. Tears started to slip from her eyes, but she didn’t look away. People were walking by them and he only saw blurs of their faces. All he could look at was her.

“Rey, I’ve never skated better than when I’m with you. You make me feel strong and needed. When we’re apart, I just feel empty and angry. You are such a tough and beautiful person and you fill a hole in me that I knew was always there but thought would never be fixed. Not having you in my life these past few weeks has been…it’s been torture that I deserved,” he looked down, back at his hands.

She sat there, silently looking at him. She was blinking rapidly, as if to keep from crying more.

“I made a mistake and I can’t take it back. And then I kept making mistakes and everything came down on you. But I can tell you that if you were to give me another chance, I would never lie to you again. I would never take that risk. I want to protect you. I want to be your partner on the ice and off of it. Equal partners. I want to be your family and give you one,” he stopped again when she let out a quiet sob. “Please, Rey. I love you. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without you.”

He took another deep, shaky breath, trying to find some way to look at her without starting to cry. “But if you tell me no now, then I’ll let you go. I made the deal. What I need is nothing compared to what you need. You need a partner and a family. Not a broken liar. We’ll skate tomorrow and I _will_ make it up to you. And then, like I said, I’ll walk away. But I’ll never forget you, your kindness, and your love. My life changed a year ago and I can go back to feeling empty and alone again because I have memories of you.”

His heart ached as she looked at him; she’d stopped crying. Her face slowly stilled, she looked like she had made her mind up as she wiped her eyes. He felt his hands starting to shake again; he was speaking softly but it felt loud at the same time.

He found his voice again. “I need to thank you for our time together, even though it was so short. I need to know how you feel and…and what I can do to get you back. If I could ever get you back.”

He stopped again, his voice unsteady. Rising, he stepped towards her to extend his hand. She also came to her feet, looking at his hand and shaking her head.

It was hard to see the pained look on her face.

“So you really would walk away if I asked?” She asked. She blinked away tears and stared deeply into his eyes. “Even after what you did to Snoke today? You'd have nowhere to go.”

His heart fell. “Yes.”

“Ben, you hurt me. I still don’t know if it was all part of the lie…”

He interrupted her. “It wasn’t.”

She sighed and continued. “But, I’ve never been with someone who can make me feel the way that you make me feel. I…I haven’t been myself in the time we’ve been together and that’s a good and bad thing. You make my head spin with how you act. You…I’m still afraid of your anger and your dishonesty. Your silence. And I don’t know if that’s really what I need in my life. I almost lost my reputation today and that was because of you.”

She turned her head away and he felt the last parts of his world collapsing. He’d said all he could.

Rey stepped away from him and he couldn’t breathe. She had to make her own decisions. She _was allowed_ turn away and leave him, she had that right. Partners tomorrow and then nothing more. He had to accept what she was going to do. He felt an angry tightness at himself spread throughout his chest. Skate tomorrow and be professional, but this was it.

She took another step, moving just slightly further from him towards the steps of the gazebo. She paused and he saw her shoulders slightly shake. He clenched his fists. He had really ruined everything. He felt frustrated tears start to sting his eyes and had to stop himself from reaching out for her.

Then, she turned and he caught a glint of a bit of dull metal on the lapel of her jacket in the sunlight.

The bee brooch.

He held his breath.

She held out her hand.

Everything seemed to happen in single, heavy heart beats.

He stared at her hand, not knowing how to react. His heart was thundering in his ears. She slowly stepped forward and grasped his hand. He still felt frozen by her grasp and the world seemed to fade away. She stepped closer to him and he finally took a deep breath, afraid to shatter the moment.

“I still love you,” her voice trembled. “I don't forgive you yet, but I still love you. Come here.”

She guided him into an embrace that made him stiffen. She spoke into his ear in a gentle tone. “I love you so much, Ben Solo. But you hurt me. And it will take a long time for me to fully forgive you. But I want to try, together. It was so hard to be alone and I don’t want to feel that way again. I don’t want to be around you and not be with you at the same time anymore.”

He let her take a step back and took both her hands.

“I love you,” he said again, moving to cup her face in his hands and kissed her. He kissed her deep as he tried to pour all of his sadness, passion, loneliness, and desire into it. She returned it, sighing against his lips. He lifted her up, letting her wrap her legs around him. Gripping at her back, he wanted her closer. 

“I love you,” he repeated again when he finally released her.

“I know.” She said with a smile.

Hand-in-hand, they walked around the grounds of the village. He wasn’t sure where they were going, but he just wanted to walk with her.

No matter how they placed tomorrow, he was already where he needed to be.

 

-=-

 

The final leg extension felt clean and in time with the music, and Rey grinned down at Kylo before he spun her into his arms. The final twists and arm movements were done and she glided up into the air, his arms supporting her as they came to a stop in the final pose.

The last notes ended and she started laughing, unable to find another reaction. They tumbled to the ice and she lay there, trying to catch her breath, when she felt him climb on top of her.

He kissed her deeply, grabbing her face gently and letting his lips linger against hers. The ice was cold and she could hear the roar of the crowd, but everything seemed to fade away so it was just the two of them.

He hugged her and she kissed him back, letting it all go in those few seconds. They were likely never to be back there again so why not let it all go. She replayed the routine in her mind, letting his tongue explore her mouth. The quad was perfect. Their side-by side jumps were nearly perfect. She cried out in joy, finally forcing him away.

Tears sprang to her eyes. “Ben, we did it.”

He kissed her again in the few seconds that they had after they got up and bowed to all corners of the rink, waiting for the sign they had to leave the ice. It mirrored so many other performances, but at the same time it felt different.

He loved her. She loved him. Despite everything.

It was all she wanted, even though it was complicated.

Rey skated off the ice, reluctant to let go of his hand.

There was still so much work to do between them. It felt right to be held by him the night before; they just slept but she was still happy to be embraced by him. And it didn’t make her ache completely every time she looked at him now. There was still a dull ache, like a stubbed toe, lingering in the back of her mind but she let the joy she felt now overtake it. She’d felt alone around him for so long that it felt good not to feel hollow. He had her trust again and he had better not break it again.

The crowd was overly excited for them and the other skaters seemed to be smiling (or glaring) a little more when they left the ice. She’d carefully avoided the angry eyes of Hux and Phasma from the call area. They had skated in the first flight and had been long finished, just lurking to cast death glares at her and him. She dreaded a confrontation. Rey still hadn’t got the full story from Kylo but she guessed that their coach getting busted for switching samples was _bound_ to leave a mark. She had gotten angry messages from other skaters as well and quickly made her Instagram private, trying to shelter herself from whatever fallout would come from this. She needed him to help get through it.

After the storm in the media over the (still ongoing) drama around Snoke, they had been pushed to the front of everyone’s agenda. Her cheeks had burnt when she saw the newspapers that morning. Yesterday, a picture of them kissing in the gazebo had spread quickly; they weren’t exactly alone when they had have their conversation. They had caught the entire build up too. She hadn’t realized she’d wrapped her legs around him when they’d embraced. The picture of the kiss had dominated the American figure skating media. She had let it be dubbed a Valentine Miracle by Poe, without letting on exactly what it meant.

Luke draped his arm over both of them and Maz laughed.

“You both look suddenly so bashful,” Maz said. “Kiss her again, Ben!”

Kylo seemed to listen and his tongue filled her mouth. She closed her eyes and shivered, despite her embarrassment. It felt debaucherous, but she let it happen. They would never be back in this exact moment again. Luke eventually shook them apart to see their scores.

With two skaters to go, they were first.

Rey screamed. His and her names were in the gold place. They might not stay there, but they were going to medal.

Her _second_ Olympic medal.

All four of them hugged together and waved at the cameras before her and Kylo were guided away to the winners’ circle area of couches. Team USA hoodies were draped on their shoulders. He almost looked more offended than she was. The other skaters looked at them with tight smiles and congratulated them and she grinned in response, offering them hugs. Kylo sat next to her and she felt several camera flashes when he kissed again, lightly on the cheek; there was little privacy in that area because people were everywhere and wanted a piece of them. Looking at him, she noticed that the slight cut and a small bruise were still visible, despite the performance makeup. The stitches could still be seen under his hair. He was hurting too but still made her feel beautiful and needed. She gripped his hand and he intertwined their fingers.

Despite his hand on hers, they dropped a spot to the Germans.

Silver.

They won silver after only a year together.

He nevertheless looked at her as if they had won gold, as clichéd as it seemed. Rey still couldn’t believe that she was walking away from her first Games with two medals and a chance to reunite with the man who loved her. Her heart still needed some time to fully heal but he seemed determined to help her get there.

Accepting the medals and the flowers, she turned to look at him. He looked to be taking in everything with awe. She guessed that if she had asked him, he’d say that today had been an afterthought. Their conversation yesterday had been more important.

Compared to how he met him over a year ago, it was a different Rey Niima that sat opposite Poe Dameron when he pulled them into an NBC/ESPN media corner for a brief interview. He hugged her and smiled genuinely at her. He had been working the story hard the past twenty-four hours that she was sure he hadn’t slept, so there would surly be more interviews to come over the next few days leading up to the gala skate. His makeup looked a little extra caked on under his eyes. It wasn’t the best set up, but it was very much the style of the sports channels that handled their event. The chairs were a little more private but were still cheap and uncomfortable. Finn stood there nearby, by the entrance wearing a headphone set, after having hugged her too when they had stepped in.

Grinning, she grasped Kylo’s leg as they sat down. Her silver medal somehow felt heavier than her bronze. The days had really weighed on her, she realized.

“Well, that was the skate of a lifetime!” Poe exclaimed. “That must have been tough. With everything going on, how does this all feel right now? I’ll ask you more about that other part when we can be alone. But right now, how’s it feel?”

Rey nodded. “We’re beyond ecstatic! Next time it will be gold.”

Poe looked at them both with a grin. “Given the investigation, again, did you feel any added pressure to perform? Is that what changed during the long program?”

She could sense Kylo tense beside her but instead of snapping, he sat up a little straighter. “We were trying not to think about that. It’s out of our hands. Now…We just…we’re together now. And that’s the most important thing in the world.”

“So…?”

“We’re a couple now, yes,” she said. “Just to clear that up.”

“I’m glad to hear it. Thanks. I’ll let you move on because I think the CBC wants to talk to you,” he was looking at Finn’s rapid hand motions and pointing. “But I’ll be in touch, you know you can’t keep me away.”

“Thanks for the threat,” Kylo said coldly, and she hoped that he didn't truly mean it.

The rest of the media seemed to warp and shift away from them. They were a couple _now_ not a couple _again_ ; Rey couldn’t stop smiling to herself. It was a new way to come together. They weren’t just shapes in motion anymore, colliding randomly, but they were grounded people, working together for something bigger. They needed to rebuild their feelings and they needed to do that together.

They were carted away back to their hotel and she felt like she was floating the entire time. There would be more interviews, more ceremonies, and everything else. She happily looked at her medal before realizing that Kylo looked at his with a hit of sadness when they entered their village room.

“I might be too old next time, Rey,” he said. “Fuck, everyone else is already 17 now.”

They were alone in their room in the strange early afternoon light. It was really the first time that they were way from everyone else. They were supposed to get changed and meet Luke and Maz for a celebration. Then, Han and Leia would join them. She looked forward to seeing them again with joy in her heart. They couldn’t linger for too long, could they? She couldn’t let him go on feeling like this.

“Ben,” she forced him to look at her. “Look what we did in a year, despite everything. And think about what we can do in four years. You are strong and talented and _mine_. It’s gold next time.”

He blinked. “I believe you.”

She rolled her eyes, pushing him down onto the bed. Pressed by her motions, he was stunned but complied. He seemed almost reluctant to touch her in private the way he had kissed her on the ice. She straddled him, kissing him deeply. She could tell he was letting himself be carried away by her motions, except when he suddenly pulled away to turn off her phone, resting on the bedside. Grinning, she pulled his phone from his pocket and put it on silent too. Leaving him for a moment, she dashed to turn out the lights.

Her heart was beating quicker when she stalked back towards his bed and pulled off her sweater. She wanted him to fuck her. She wanted to convince him that everything would be okay.

He pulled her closer, groaning as her strong but delicate thighs pushed against his body. They didn’t win gold but she was starting to feel better about being with him again. He made her body feel like it was on fire. She wanted more teasing but realized she couldn’t deal with much more with their clothes on.

“You love me,” he breathed into her ear, heavily.

“And you love me,” she answered. She looked down, meeting his eyes with passion. “Now hurry up and take off your clothes.”

He started fumbling with his shirt and she reluctantly moved, quickly ditching her pants, shirt, bra and panties. She’d missed his sex too, she admitted to herself. She straddled him again and he hissed and she wasn’t sure if it was from pain or pleasure. Her lower parts nudged his erection and he closed his eyes and seemed to be taking it all in. It really was like the first time, but now they weren't drunkenly fumbling. They were relearning how to love.

Before they continued, she slowly put her hands on the deep bruise on his side. He didn’t say anything, but just rested his hand on hers and shook his head. They could talk about it later. He kissed her then and she shuddered at the reaction of her love-starved body.

Grabbing her, he swiftly flipped her onto the bed. She gasped at the sudden, changed connection and the feel of his strong, large form on top of her. He swept a large hand along her side, taking in her body again like it was the first time. Lightly gripping her breasts, she felt herself wanting him more and more as he circled her nipples with his fingertips. His eyes were gentle but hungry when he looked at her. Settling his hands on either side of her, he moved to guide her legs apart, kissing and licking every piece of skin he could as he moved downward. When his mouth settled on her clit, swirling lightly before increasing the pressure, she couldn’t really breathe.

“I missed you so much,” she hissed as he increased the pressure and speed of the motions of his mouth.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said, bringing her closer and closer to the edge. He slipped two fingers into her and began to quickly move them, reminding her of what was to come. “Missed this so much.”

His mouth, his hand, _him_.

He quickly changed his pace, rapidly flicking his tongue against her swollen clit. The pressure built inside her and she wanted to pull away, it was too good. She gasped, the orgasm hitting her hard. Her body twitching, she squirmed under his hands, trying to wiggle away. Lightly pressing her down, he kept her there, making her feel every small shock, his mouth still teasing her wet opening.

“Please, Ben,” she sighed, heavily. “Fuck me.”

He smirked, moving up her body to kiss her. He didn’t say anything and instead let her spread her legs. He entered her slowly, letting her feel every inch. She gasped at the gradual pressure. She needed more; she locked her ankles behind his back and pulled him closer and she saw stars. He grunted at her sudden aggression but kissed her deeply in response. When he was inside her, filling her and pushing into her deeply, she cried out. No part of this of this felt normal. She wasn’t supposed to be here with him, but here she was. The way he was moving inside and against her began to quicken and she let his body take over hers.

He whimpered and she knew he was getting close. She kissed him again and his mouth was wet and firm against hers.

As he came, she thought about everything at once. She was about to blindly trust him again, without thinking about it. But his eyes—that sincerity—made her want to believe it. She didn't want him to leave her but he did, kissing her lightly as he did. 

A few minutes later, after Rey had cleaned them up, she curled against him with a satisfied hum. He was a little hard again when she settled against him, which was a little surprising.

“I missed this,” he said sleepily, gathering her up into his arms. “I missed making love to you.”

She relaxed for a second then resisted. Needing to try to push away some of her lingering guilt, she turned and grasped his cock and began to stroke it. “Can you go again?”

He exhaled, and she could feel his erection grow in her hand. “Of course I can.”

She stretched out and started to lightly suck him. He went from being nearly asleep to totally awake. His cock was long and thick and it turned her on to think about it inside her. Flicking her tongue against the head, she began the slow motions of sucking him off. She wanted to show him how much she had missed him, sucking and stroking him. She could slightly taste herself on him still and that made her body tighten. Her hand joined her mouth and he groaned.

He nudged her up. “Hey, get on top.”

“I want to fuck you,” she said, narrowing her eyes at him. “Can I do that?”

He nodded, and she straddled him, letting him enter her without much indecision. He wasn’t as hard as before but it was still hitting her in the right place. She felt slick and needed him so badly and _fuck_ she didn’t hate him. She couldn’t believe it was this easy to forgive him. It was that thought that made her falter again. Was she really ready to forgive him? She looked at him with confused tears springing to her eyes when he stopped thrusting into her, reacting to her sudden change of expression.

“Rey...I…” his voice breaking. “It will get better.”

She shook her head. “I know. I love you.”

“I love you.”

With new confidence, she began to ride him again. His gentle hands encouraging her, she matched his rhythm. She was still sensitive from before. It wouldn’t take long.

She felt her body shudder as warmth and love filled up her body.

Despite the lingering hurt, she never wanted to leave that moment.

 

-=-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, strong language. Descriptions of violence and sexual content. It's been a wild ride for everyone. Sorry for such an intense final chapter; things will cool down in the epilogue. Thanks again for all the kudos and comments :)


	24. 2020 ISU World Figure Skating Championships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An epilogue. Ben Solo and Rey finally have their 2019-20 season turn around at the right time and Ben has a surprise for Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, this is the first lengthy fanfiction I've actually completed in YEARS. Forgive me, I was out of commission due to a MA thesis, followed by a PhD thesis, followed by the constant grind of writing applications for funding. So please forgive some of the typical fanficky tropes. I will try to weed them out because I sort of don't want to be done working on this. Second, thanks for the comments and kudos. I really, really enjoyed working on this over a very, very rough summer for me personally. I need to start teaching and researching again soon so even though I know I'm still going to go in and muck around in this from time to time...hopefully I'll make it better and not worse :)

**Epilogue:** **Early March, 2020 — ISU World Figure Skating Championships 2020, Montreal, Quebec**

Their season was finally turning around at the right time, although it was almost too late. Ben was coming back from a knee injury and Rey had sprained her wrist in December. It had not been the best season, but they knew that it happened to everyone.

He kissed her head as their scores came up. He pulled her closer. Finally, a first-place result that might hold up. She grinned and hugged him to her.

“That quad needed work, Rey you are doing that thing with your arms again,” Luke said from her side. “But good job.”

She smiled and nodded. She was a little exhausted from the event but she let the warmth of his hand on hers spread throughout her body. Winning meant celebration sex and _that_ was another adventure.

Despite the injuries this season, the last two years had brought them closer. He went back to being Ben Solo last season and it felt like a good decision. Still, he would pull back from time to time. He was extremely frustrated with being injured and she forced him to talk it out rather than keeping it all inside. And he would listen, eventually. He was more patient than before. He would still surprise her with sweet gestures and that meant the most to her. They had been living together for nearly two years now so it was easier for him to be spontaneous.

He kissed her hand, pulling her back into the moment. They were brought to the winners’ circle to watch the final two teams. He looked more nervous than usual and that made her worried. Maybe his knee was tight. She sighed, still worrying about how sensitive he was about his age. He’d be thirty-one that summer and had already forbade any sort of party (but she was going to throw him one anyway.)

The first team fell on two of their jumps and their artistic marks were low. The second team also fell and their triple triple seemed to implode. She hated being able to succeed because others were failing but that was how it went sometimes.

With the final scores in, he stood and lifted her in triumph. Another gold to add to their other medals. She hugged him back and giggled. “See? Pop music does it again.”

He rolled his eyes at the reference to their routine, skating to Shakira. “Maybe it’ll still grow on me.”

After the medal ceremony, they were brought over to the ESPN set up. Finn greeted her and Poe shook his head, finishing checking his phone.

“So, how did that feel? You both have had a rough season,” he said, holding the microphone up to them. Was he ever going to get a promotion? He’d basically tracked down every source connected to the Snoke doping scandal and he still wasn’t a full-time anchor. She’d him on the midnight SportsCenter one night and thought that it suited him, just not in the middle of the night.

She nodded. “Ben and I really worked hard for this. It was hard to see the other teams struggle at the end, but we were really comfortable on this ice.”

He turned to Ben and nodded. He took her hand and took a deep breath.

“There’s something I need to ask Rey.” He said, flatly. She felt a nervous tension grip her stomach.

The world turned sidewise when he dropped to one knee in the small area, flooded by camera lights. The sounds of the arena phased out to her ears. She grasped her hands against her mouth when she saw Poe slyly hand Ben a small jewelry box. _Those bastards._

She couldn’t help from crying. He looked at her with such hope and promise that she couldn’t think of saying no. This was now and everything but now at the same time; they had the _next_ games in two years to think about.

“Rey, you’re my partner and my best friend. Being with you has changed my life, both on and off the ice.” He said, looking beyond awkward. “Will you marry me?”

“You idiot,” she replied taking the ring in one hand and his face in another. “Yes.”

He rose to his feet and she kissed him, shaking the entire time. It was only when Poe cleared his throat that they realized they were still on camera.

“I think that I earned about a thousand dollars on a bet there, congratulations,” he said with a chuckle. “Anything else you want to reflect on?”

Rey grabbed Ben’s hand and shook her head. “We’re good. I…we can’t wait to win gold in Beijing.”

“Promise?” Poe asked.

“Promise,” she replied, fiercely.

 

-=-


End file.
